# Men in their 40's or above, how do you stay attracted to women your own age? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 19, 2017, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623 "2017-07-19T03:47:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 13
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/241 "2017-07-24T00:16:57Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I don’t have a history of bad dates. I make sure that all of them are high quality even if it doesn’t work out. I pick things that I want to do anyway and treat women to them. It is just one night and there is no loss if we have a good time. Some of them GASP even want second, third and fourth dates. > > I know you don’t like me but the reverse isn’t true. I like most people and treat them very well. I just have very specific standards when it come to romantic partners and they are as about as plain as it gets. > > The problem is that you run into a Venn diagram issue. Every requirement you add cuts out an additional portion of the population. I want reasonably pretty, smart and little baggage. Also, my daughters are the most important thing to me so the best that anyone can do is come in 3rd place. Both my ex-wife and my 1st cousin are running into the same types of issues. They both make hundreds of thousands dollars a year and are very attractive but few people want to date them because they outclass just about everyone and **women generally don’t date down.** > > That isn’t to say it isn’t out there. I am sure that it is. It would just be a whole lot easier if I was a generic person with lower standards but that isn’t me. emphasis added. And, there, perhaps we have the crux of the problem. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/242 "2017-07-24T00:19:59Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Of course not but I do pick the venues. Let’s say I took a date to a Patriots game that I wanted to attend anyway and she wasn’t a good date. Hey, I still got to see a Patriots game. That is the way I arrange them and it is always free for them. So the women you date get no say in where you go/what you do for the dates? Would it still be free for them if it was something _they_ wanted to do? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/243 "2017-07-24T00:26:02Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Look at the forum. There is no universal point. I am mainly replying to other people’s questions and responses and giving my opinions and preferences. It isn’t something that you can easily bring up in real life so I asked it here. That is what this board is for. What is the problem? :rolleyes: Why do you think there’s a problem? I was asking my question, hoping you’d respond. First thought you wanted advice, but that doesn’t seem the case, so I’m asking what you’re hoping to achieve. If it’s nothing, that’s the answer. But if there’s something more, I’m hoping to be illuminated. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/244 "2017-07-24T00:43:28Z")
I’ve stayed out of this thread, because … well. Objectifying people based on looks alone is just ridiculous. I’m sure we all have our own concept of who and what are attractive, but personality that “je ne sais quoi” absolutely comes into play. Full disclosure: when I look at porn on the internet I prefer to view older women. I can’t look at women my daughter’s age, and besides I keep thinking they’re being exploited. Older women probably aren’t being exploited, and they simply are more my age and why would you want to oogle girls when you can oogle women? ---
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/245 "2017-07-24T00:48:21Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > :rolleyes: > > Why do you think there’s a problem? I was asking my question, hoping you’d respond. > > First thought you wanted advice, but that doesn’t seem the case, so I’m asking what you’re hoping to achieve. If it’s nothing, that’s the answer. But if there’s something more, I’m hoping to be illuminated. I think Shagnasty was hoping that other men would commiserate with him about the unattractiveness of middle-aged women. Just recreational complaining, because, as you say, he’s happy with his strategy to dating and doesn’t feel he needs to change anything. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/246 "2017-07-24T00:49:32Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > :rolleyes: > > Why do you think there’s a problem? I was asking my question, hoping you’d respond. > > First thought you wanted advice, but that doesn’t seem the case, so I’m asking what you’re hoping to achieve. If it’s nothing, that’s the answer. But if there’s something more, I’m hoping to be illuminated. I do want advice in some ways and I have gotten some good tips. I have no problem with you at all and I am not trying to insult anyone. However, I am a fairly unique person by all accounts that not everyone likes and I know that. Some people do though and that is why I asked the question. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/247 "2017-07-24T00:52:32Z")
OP, you say you are a romantic, but you have no idea how a man could want to stay with a woman who is visibly older. You mention a relationship you had that was pretty good, but instead of anything about her personality, there important fact is that she is an ex college cheerleader- i assume there were shared interests as well, but you don’t mention those. It seems like youth and hotness are the most important factors to you. Right? ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/248 "2017-07-24T00:53:39Z")
> [@Emiliana](#): > > I think Shagnasty was hoping that other men would commiserate with him about the unattractiveness of middle-aged women. Just recreational complaining, because, as you say, he’s happy with his strategy to dating and doesn’t feel he needs to change anything. You couldn’t be more wrong. I was honestly curious about older women and I have no ill intent. I am about the least “bro guy” that you will ever meet. I was hoping someone would give me a great answer to out with them because those are the most available choices these days but they all seem to some with baggage. I just want someone to travel with me and have a good time without bitching too much. That shouldn’t be a hard request but it seems to be. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/249 "2017-07-24T01:02:04Z")
So far the biggest turn-off here is the constant bragging about money and status. It’s an immediate signal to me that someone doesn’t share my values. Wealth is pretty much meaningless in my assessment of a man’s desirability and I find it somewhat laughable that anyone would assume otherwise. Men trying to impress me with their money is like seeing a bad stage play and having to pretend to enjoy it. (That’s okay, I can work it all into the book. Conflict has to come from somewhere.) When it comes to physical attraction, I’ve long suspected I’m not wired the same as other people. A super attractive man can open his obnoxious mouth and immediately become average. Likewise, an average looking guy volunteers at a soup kitchen and I’m panting like a dog in heat. It’s not even a matter of ‘‘seeing past the surface,’’ on the contrary, the person actually becomes physically attractive to me as a result of their intrinsic qualities. A man demonstrates his kindness, and suddenly his ears look extra kissable and so on and so forth. My husband is pretty good looking, objectively speaking (certainly I ‘‘married up’’), but I didn’t notice him at all when I first met him. It wasn’t until we became close friends and I realized what a ridiculously good person he was that I fell for him. The first physical attribute I noticed was his eyes. Then one day I careened around a hall corner in our dorm building and smacked right into him. The way he grabbed my arm, to steady me, left me all tingly… ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/250 "2017-07-24T01:43:10Z")
As I related in another thread I’m 63 and Ms Plan B is 45. Ms Plan C, another co-worker, is 55. Then there is a woman from church who is +/- my age; cute and very nice and we’ve both lost spouses recently (Wife and I were eating breakfast at the hospital with her and her kids when he died). Then there’s another at church who you would never guess was older than I, and who still looks like Phoebe from Friends. No chance there, as long as her husband is alive. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/251 "2017-07-24T01:45:33Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > So far the biggest turn-off here is the constant bragging about money and status. It’s an immediate signal to me that someone doesn’t share my values. Wealth is pretty much meaningless in my assessment of a man’s desirability and I find it somewhat laughable that anyone would assume otherwise. Men trying to impress me with their money is like seeing a bad stage play and having to pretend to enjoy it. (That’s okay, I can work it all into the book. Conflict has to come from somewhere.) > > When it comes to physical attraction, I’ve long suspected I’m not wired the same as other people. A super attractive man can open his obnoxious mouth and immediately become average. Likewise, an average looking guy volunteers at a soup kitchen and I’m panting like a dog in heat. It’s not even a matter of ‘‘seeing past the surface,’’ on the contrary, the person actually becomes physically attractive to me as a result of their intrinsic qualities. A man demonstrates his kindness, and suddenly his ears look extra kissable and so on and so forth. My husband is pretty good looking, objectively speaking (certainly I ‘‘married up’’), but I didn’t notice him at all when I first met him. It wasn’t until we became close friends and I realized what a ridiculously good person he was that I fell for him. The first physical attribute I noticed was his eyes. Then one day I careened around a hall corner in our dorm building and smacked right into him. The way he grabbed my arm, to steady me, left me all tingly… You deserve it. You are very good person. I don’t think that I am but I have many attributes that many people find exciting and attractive. I can be a great father to daughters but romantic relationships are something I struggle with. Every successful one I have ever had required letting the woman take the lead (the only reason I got my ex-wife is because I left my dorm room door unlocked one night and she came home drunk when I was sick and hopped into bed with me). I still wondered if she liked me the next day. Similar things have happened my whole life. I am oblivious to any romantic signals from women. That is why online dating has been such a boon. I know how to do that well and I have plenty of experience with it. I can get dates on demand but I don’t want most of them. It has to be an unusual person that wants to do something special. It used to be easy. Now women are falling into the blue plate special or soccer mom trap which isn’t something I do. Men probably do as well but I don’t play that side of the game. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/252 "2017-07-24T01:56:12Z")
You just don’t see how offensive your descriptions of older women are, do you? Maybe you do and you don’t care. Maybe you hear us but choose to not believe we’re correct. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/253 "2017-07-24T01:59:31Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/254 "2017-07-24T02:01:08Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > You deserve it. You are very good person. I don’t think that I am but I have many attributes that many people find exciting and attractive. I can be a great father to daughters but romantic relationships are something I struggle with. Every successful one I have ever had required letting the woman take the lead (the only reason I got my ex-wife is because I left my dorm room door unlocked one night and she came home drunk when I was sick and hopped into bed with me). I still wondered if she liked me the next day. > > Similar things have happened my whole life. I am oblivious to any romantic signals from women. That is why online dating has been such a boon. I know how to do that well and I have plenty of experience with it. I can get dates on demand but I don’t want most of them. It has to be an unusual person that wants to do something special. > > It used to be easy. Now women are falling into the blue plate special or soccer mom trap which isn’t something I do. Men probably do as well but I don’t play that side of the game. You sound like such a catch! ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/255 "2017-07-24T02:14:42Z")
What is a blue plate special woman? ---
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/256 "2017-07-24T02:17:38Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > You couldn’t be more wrong. I was honestly curious about older women and I have no ill intent. I am about the least “bro guy” that you will ever meet. I was hoping someone would give me a great answer to out with them because those are the most available choices these days but they all seem to some with baggage. I just want someone to travel with me and have a good time without bitching too much. That shouldn’t be a hard request but it seems to be. It actually shouldn’t be hard at all. Maybe it’s you that bitches too much? ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/257 "2017-07-24T02:28:38Z")
I’m curious about what all the women bitch about? Not having any say in activities or destinations? ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/258 "2017-07-24T02:38:44Z")
> [@Emiliana](#): > > I think Shagnasty was hoping that other men would commiserate with him about the unattractiveness of middle-aged women. Just recreational complaining, because, as you say, he’s happy with his strategy to dating and doesn’t feel he needs to change anything. He says he LOOOOOOVES all women, but rarely misses an opportunity to trash older women. From the mail carrier thread, this is his post: > [@](#): > > I always wish for that when I hear a pretty name and I am usually disappointed but not always. One notable time was when I had an incredibly painful scratched cornea that was made worse even by sound. I had to go to the ophthalmologist regularly for two weeks. His assistant walked in and I recoiled in pain because my eyes instinctively dilated. She was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen and that was not the time for it. I had to do that every day for a week with her standing right in front of me touching my face at breast level. > > Another time was when I got a call from a headhunting agency about a potential job. I got set up with “Margo” who I thought I knew pretty well after a few phone calls. **She was just a middle-aged, frumpy woman right?** I finally had to meet her in person and the name and voice did not match at all. It turns out that Margo should have been a supermodel. I talked with her for an hour in her private office but I was so distracted that I blew the interview even for things that I knew perfectly well. [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20365372&postcount=13](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20365372&postcount=13) Shagnasty, I know you think you’re “charming” and you looooove women and we all looooooooove you, but you’re not and we don’t. Anyone who loved women wouldn’t talk about any of us like you do in these two paragraphs. You may love what we can do for you and for entertainment, but you don’t love _women_ and what we care about or how we feel. I don’t even know what to call what sickness you have, but it’s so ingrained that you don’t even recognize it. I hope your daughters don’t fall into that trope about women marrying men like their fathers. God help them if they do. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/259 "2017-07-24T02:57:28Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > He says he LOOOOOOVES all women, but rarely misses an opportunity to trash older women. From the mail carrier thread, this is his post: > > [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20365372&postcount=13](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=20365372&postcount=13) > > Shagnasty, I know you think you’re “charming” and you looooove women and we all looooooooove you, but you’re not and we don’t. Anyone who loved women wouldn’t talk about any of us like you do in these two paragraphs. You may love what we can do for you and for entertainment, but you don’t love _women_ and what we care about or how we feel. I don’t even know what to call what sickness you have, but it’s so ingrained that you don’t even recognize it. > > I hope your daughters don’t fall into that trope about women marrying men like their fathers. God help them if they do. You may be right but I have no idea what the problem is for appreciating women for their beauty or why that would be a complaint at all. My ex-wife is objectively beautiful as are my daughters. I get ticked off sometimes when people make inappropriate comments about the pictures in my office (you better buy a shotgun) but I don’t think that is a problem in general. I don’t understand why some people think admiring some women for their beauty is some controversial thing. There are massive industries dedicated to enhancing it from makeup to clothing. ---
**Author:** ![Reluctant\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@Reluctant\_A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reluctant_A)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/260 "2017-07-24T03:46:41Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > My graduate school focus was on sexual differentiation. That is what I studied for years. I understand that being gay isn’t a choice perfectly well because I have personally done the experiments on it in animal models. However, I am not sure my preferences are a choice either. It would be a lot easier if I found women in their 40’s attractive but I don’t in general for some reason with some exceptions. > > You are going to continue to be recreationally offended at lots of things if you keep assuming things about people that aren’t true. That is going to take a lot of mental energy that could be used for better purposes. “Recreationally offended”? That must mean something completely different than I always thought it did, if you think that that’s what I’m doing. > [@msmith537](#): > > Why is one preference a “choice” while the other “develops”? And why is one more or less offensive than the other? I don’t even understand the first question: why is one preference a choice while the other develops? First of all, one of those things is not actually a “choice.” People don’t “choose” to be gay. And the other one of those things “develops” because you’re not born with it. You’re not born with a preference for (or against) “confident black women,” any more than you’re born a bigot. That’s something that you’re either taught, or something that you develop over time, shaped by your own observations or experiences. As to why one is more or less offensive than the other? I guess I feel like the history of the way that LGBTQ people have been treated, just for existing, makes it fucked up to compare their existence to, like, a preference for ‘no crow’s feet,’ or something. It could just be me. > [@Corry\_El](#): > > Being gay is a more profound difference, with more implications outside one’s sex life (which perhaps it shouldn’t have but still does to some degree). But as to it coming about in a categorically different way than a heterosexual’s (or gay person’s for that matter) particular tastes in a romantic partner I don’t see how that’s firmly proved. > > Who can prove that a greater relative emphasis on youth or physical beauty in attraction isn’t also in a person’s nature? Various sexual preferences between and within homo/hetero-sexuality could be determined neither by a person’s conscious decisions nor literally 100% fixed at time zero out of the womb. Insisting it’s 100% at time zero for homosexuality, male and female, all cases, is a political position not a scientific fact. Wait, you think that someone’s identity is a _political_ position? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=12) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=14)