# Men in their 40's or above, how do you stay attracted to women your own age? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 19, 2017, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623 "2017-07-19T03:47:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/301 "2017-07-25T03:14:45Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > For those of you that are balking, don’t you have preferences of your own? I have never met someone that would go out with people from any age group, race or anything else no matter how open-minded they claimed to be otherwise. As has been stated many times, it’s not so much that you have preferences it’s how you are denigrating those you’re not attracted to. Someone may not prefer to date others for a number of reasons. However they come across as a total jerk if they then feel the need to insult that group in order to justify their desires, especially if there are members of that group within the audience. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/302 "2017-07-25T04:01:00Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > As has been stated many times, it’s not so much that you have preferences it’s how you are denigrating those you’re not attracted to. > > Someone may not prefer to date others for a number of reasons. However they come across as a total jerk if they then feel the need to insult that group in order to justify their desires, especially if there are members of that group within the audience. I won’t say that I am not denigrating anyone because that obviously isn’t true. I think most men in their 40’s are pathetic as well. That is what I am trying to avoid and I am doing a good job of it so far. Get off your ass and go somewhere that doesn’t involve a cruise, a timeshare or an organized tour. There are a few that aren’t and I latch onto them when I find them but they are fairly rare. They also happen to be the ones that are most successful in their careers because those traits are highly correlated. If I was a 44 year old woman, the pickings would be about equally slim but I am not so all I can talk about are my own experiences. I get outclassed sometimes too. My Manhattan girl did it to me last week. She is very sweet but I showed the Facebook photos to some of my coworkers today and they ranged from “Holy Shit!” to “Good mother of God!”. I have resources but I can’t hang with people that take private jets from Manhattan to Los Angeles with helicopter courier service in between. I think we are just going to have to be life-long friends and I have the perfect angle for it. Ultra-rich, spectacular friends are always a good thing to have but I don’t need that much. Maybe I can drop that down a notch or two and then I can have something even if it isn’t permanent. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/303 "2017-07-25T05:03:16Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Feel free to answer the original question. I still haven’t heard a convincing answer. Why EWWWW? We are comparing them to women in their early 30’s, not recent college graduates. I think it is like you said earlier, you can’t really control what you are attracted to. Trying to force yourself to find people attractive that you aren’t naturally attracted to isn’t going to work as I’m sure you already know. But what happens when the 32 year old gets old? You’re about 44 now, but you’ll be 54 someday and she’ll be 42. What will happen then? I don’t have an answer, it just sounds like the last 40 years of your life will be lived where you don’t find similarly aged women attractive. And as you said, it’ll get worse. Dating a 32 year old isn’t too hard in your 40s, but it gets harder to date women under 35 when you are in your 50s or 60s (unless you are exceptionally good looking or successful). ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/304 "2017-07-25T05:35:16Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > As has been stated many times, it’s not so much that you have preferences it’s how you are denigrating those you’re not attracted to. > > Someone may not prefer to date others for a number of reasons. However they come across as a total jerk if they then feel the need to insult that group in order to justify their desires, especially if there are members of that group within the audience. It’s at worst a matter of relatively minor delicacy. If \*\*Shagnasty \*\*had said “someone unattractive” instead of “hosebeast” and said “grasping unpleasant woman” instead of “harpy” his meaning would have been precisely the same but there would have been less of an excuse for people to get offended. Mostly what **Shagnasty** has been is blunt about a taboo topic; no one appears to disagree with my post above to the effect that (to generalise) older men find young women more attractive. But it’s just impolitic for any given man to say so, bluntly. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/305 "2017-07-25T06:24:44Z")
Not blunt, rude. Also, delicacy is minor until the finger is in your eye and there is a difference between “20yo are generally better looking” (which nobody disputes) and “40yo are disgusting” (which is what Shagnasty said). ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/306 "2017-07-25T06:41:26Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > “40yo are disgusting” (which is what Shagnasty said). Threadsearch says no. You should reflect on why you find it necessary to verbal him. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/307 "2017-07-25T10:07:31Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > It’s at worst a matter of relatively minor delicacy. If \*\*Shagnasty \*\*had said “someone unattractive” instead of “hosebeast” and said “grasping unpleasant woman” instead of “harpy” his meaning would have been precisely the same but there would have been less of an excuse for people to get offended. > > Mostly what **Shagnasty** has been is blunt about a taboo topic; no one appears to disagree with my post above to the effect that (to generalise) older men find young women more attractive. But it’s just impolitic for any given man to say so, bluntly. No. Do you think for a second that if any one of countless Dopers who don’t have a history of misogynistic posts over the years were to confess to those feelings that they would be given grief? Especially is it were framed as a normal opinion and not for whatever reason the OP is written? Someone early on asked if he isn’t trolling. I have no comment either way of that, but at best he poisoned the well from the get-go. I could see (any number of posters here) writing an OP which said that they realized their strong preference in what they find attractive in women. Were they to be a tad bit self deprecating it would have been an entirely different thread. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/308 "2017-07-25T11:51:45Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > This post is going to be offensive to many but I still think it is relevant. I am 44 and do not find the vast majority of women my age attractive at all and I just realized that it is only going to get worse with time. It’s fairly common for men to be attracted to young women. Fortunately, it’s also fairly common for young women to be attracted to older men. Especially if those men are wealthy. But yes, it will get worse with time. > [@Shagnasty](#): > > I have been on tons of dates using internet dating sites and while I always made sure that we had a good time, the romantic or sexual aspect always left me cold. I didn’t even realize what the problem was until a 32 year old from Germany that is among the hottest woman I have interacted with contacted me today while she is on vacation. I am not ashamed to say that I popped a boner just looking at her profile. We texted back and forth all day long and I am sure that she is very real. I don’t know if we will ever actually go out but I would walk 100 miles if I needed to. That is the part that is missing for all the rest. > > I have gone out with lots of other people but it was just an expensive ritual on my part and I am usually not very interested in anything but the selected venue. It doesn’t sound like you had a good time on those dates of it was an expensive ritual and you had no interest in your date. I’m curious, did any of your dates enjoy it, our was it equally an unfortunate waste of their resources (time, effort) as well? > [@Shagnasty](#): > > OTOH, I see sad old men following their extremely unattractive wives around the supermarket a few days a week and many other couples that just let themselves go in general. Why are they doing that? Being married to a hose-beast on either side is worse than being set free (divorced) in my opinion. I enjoy hanging out with my husband. Lots of people enjoy spending time with people they are close to. And we make a good team. If that doesn’t resonate with you, I’m glad you aren’t interested in marriage. I’ve read the thread. I think you should hire a consort. In fact, you seem interested in the legal aspects of an “escort service”. I’ve never tried to hire an escort, but I imagine you could shop for one who is pleasant company at events or even on a cruise. For now, you can probably find a “date” rather than explicitly paying for the woman’s time. But it’s something you should consider as you get older and less attractive. ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/309 "2017-07-25T12:09:04Z")
I completely understand Shagnasty. I’m having a hell of a time finding men of my own age attractive. The basketball bellies. The bald spot. The bad teeth. The dressing like they’re still a schlubby 22. It’s like they’ve given up. Why would I want to get involved with one of these trolls? /s mostly ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/310 "2017-07-25T12:31:50Z")
Unfortunately I’ve seen this before. It seems like once a man gets divorced (women too), they sort of revert back to a high school teenager mentality. Especially if they have enjoyed a bit of financial success. It makes sense when you think about it. Most people, particularly the generation that Shagnasty and I belong to, grew up with the implied expectation that we were eventually supposed to marry, have kids and all that. So it’s kind of like “checked that off, didn’t work out, now I can go back to actually enjoying life”. Unfortunately, a lot of them get heavily into drugs, alcoholism, womanizing (including strip clubs, prostitutes and “sexual tourism”), and rampant materialism. In many respects, it’s like they are so determined to “live each day as if it were their last”, they engage in the sort of behaviors most likely to ensure it will be. I don’t read Shagnasty’s posts as particularly misogynistic (although admittedly, I’m not the best judge). I read them more as “how do I stay 28 for the rest of my life”. > [@Shagnasty](#): > > Get off your ass and go somewhere that doesn’t involve a cruise, a timeshare or an organized tour. There are a few that aren’t and I latch onto them when I find them but they are fairly rare. They also happen to be the ones that are most successful in their careers because those traits are highly correlated. They are correlated because generally only people who have successful, lucrative careers with some measure of enough actual seniority and power to be able to actually take vacation time are the ones who can go on expensive vacations. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/311 "2017-07-25T12:57:57Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > No. Do you think for a second that if any one of countless Dopers who don’t have a history of misogynistic posts over the years were to confess to those feelings that they would be given grief? Maybe it’s just me but I’m not seeing anything about the criticism levelled at Shagnasty being due to history over the years. It seems to me it’s about his (alleged) comments in this thread. I hope you aren’t just trying to manufacture an excuse for yourself. > [@TokyoBayer](#): > > I could see (any number of posters here) writing an OP which said that they realized their strong preference in what they find attractive in women. Were they to be a **tad bit self deprecating** it would have been an entirely different thread. [my emphasis] Now I understand. You and I have entered some sort of weird multiverse thing. I’m reading a thread where Shagnasty says: > [@Shagnasty](#): > > She is very attractive but has an even worse personality than I do so that will never work. > [@Shagnasty](#): > > Sometimes you have to know your own limitations but also how to work around them. > [@Shagnasty](#): > > I don’t think I am the best looking person in the world… > [@Shagnasty](#): > > Poor appearance is a marker that someone has given up on life and I have been guilty of that at times too. > [@Shagnasty](#): > > Others think I am an arrogant prick. I admit that my personality can be a bit polarizing and I am very judgmental (internally)… > [@Shagnasty](#): > > I know I am a (kind) asshole in many ways but I have been that way my entire life and I can’t really change my personality or fundamental thought process. > [@Shagnasty](#): > > You are very good person. I don’t think that I am… > > …I am oblivious to any romantic signals from women… > [@Shagnasty](#): > > I wouldn’t advise anyone to marry someone like me. I don’t make a good husband and I know that so I removed myself from that pool. > [@Shagnasty](#): > > I understand some of the criticism but I am not sure I can do much to change it. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/312 "2017-07-25T13:33:52Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > They are correlated because generally only people who have successful, lucrative careers with some measure of enough actual seniority and power to be able to actually take vacation time are the ones who can go on expensive vacations. Those folks, sure, or folks who were born into money, as Shag claims he was. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/313 "2017-07-25T13:59:57Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Those folks, sure, or folks who were born into money, as Shag claims he was. I wasn’t born into money. I grew up pretty poor at times. It has only been in the last 8 years or so that my family has had it through hundreds of oil and natural gas strikes but, it is there, and I would be stupid not to take advantage of it. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/314 "2017-07-25T14:01:09Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Unfortunately I’ve seen this before. It seems like once a man gets divorced (women too), they sort of revert back to a high school teenager mentality. Especially if they have enjoyed a bit of financial success. It makes sense when you think about it. Most people, particularly the generation that Shagnasty and I belong to, grew up with the implied expectation that we were eventually supposed to marry, have kids and all that. So it’s kind of like “checked that off, didn’t work out, now I can go back to actually enjoying life”. > > Unfortunately, a lot of them get heavily into drugs, alcoholism, womanizing (including strip clubs, prostitutes and “sexual tourism”), and rampant materialism. > > In many respects, it’s like they are so determined to “live each day as if it were their last”, they engage in the sort of behaviors most likely to ensure it will be. I think as you get older you care less about people’s impressions of you. It is harder to get motivated to care about your social image, in part because you get comfortable with your own company and you build a social network of people who accept you as you are. ---
**Author:** ![Kinthalis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kinthalis/32/16084_2.png) [@Kinthalis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kinthalis)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/315 "2017-07-25T14:16:46Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > Half your age + 7. Hmmm, I don’t know if my son is ready for 9 year olds yet. I have a feelign this formula might break down at a certain point. Like the laws of physics when you approach an event horizon. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/316 "2017-07-25T14:37:56Z")
> [@GrumpyBunny](#): > > I completely understand Shagnasty. I’m having a hell of a time finding men of my own age attractive. > > The basketball bellies. The bald spot. The bad teeth. The dressing like they’re still a schlubby 22. It’s like they’ve given up. > > Why would I want to get involved with one of these trolls? > /s > > mostly Have we met? Actually, my teeth are fine. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/317 "2017-07-25T16:17:08Z")
The gods must be trying to screw with me. I just got a message from a 42 year old blonde that works out all the time and is hotter than hell. She seems pretty nice too. I will have to see if I can go out with her. The 32 year old officemmate says that, if I don’t, he will. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/318 "2017-07-25T16:31:19Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I wasn’t born into money. I grew up pretty poor at times. It has only been in the last 8 years or so that my family has had it through hundreds of oil and natural gas strikes but, it is there, and I would be stupid not to take advantage of it. My bad. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/319 "2017-07-25T17:12:13Z")
> [@Kinthalis](#): > > Hmmm, I don’t know if my son is ready for 9 year olds yet. I have a feelign this formula might break down at a certain point. Like the laws of physics when you approach an event horizon. Did you just call her a “black ho”? ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/320 "2017-07-25T17:15:00Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > The gods must be trying to screw with me. I just got a message from a 42 year old blonde that works out all the time and is hotter than hell. She seems pretty nice too. I will have to see if I can go out with her. The 32 year old officemmate says that, if I don’t, he will. I love the assumption on his part that she’s just down to date whoever. Good luck. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=17)