# Men in their 40's or above, how do you stay attracted to women your own age? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 19, 2017, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623 "2017-07-19T03:47:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 18
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/341 "2017-07-26T10:46:21Z")
> [@Charlie\_Tan](#): > > I have. Let’s break it down. > > “I will have to see if I can go out with her.” > Shaggy is contemplating if he will decide to go out with her. > > “The 32 year old officemmate says that, if I don’t, he will.” > But should he decide not to, his co-worker will step up and do it. > > Nowhere in these two sentences is there any indication about what the woman in question wants. > > Hey, I just had an idea. Maybe he and officemmate can switch places while having sex with her, and she won’t notice. I hope Shags has a good deodorant or his vagina smelling armpits might trip him up. Yeah, I was gonna say, given the context of this thread, “I will have to see if I can go out with her” basically translates to: “I will have to see if I can fuck her”. ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/342 "2017-07-26T11:29:49Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > Have we met? Actually, my teeth are fine. 😛 Mine aren’t; they’re costing a bloody fortune! ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/343 "2017-07-26T11:43:36Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I just want to get the best available while I can still get it. Before they turn into hosebeasts, blue plate specials, etc etc, right? ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/344 "2017-07-26T12:25:27Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Yes, but it was in the Deep South and didn’t cost much at all. We were generally middle class at least in values (my mother was a teacher at the time) but things went to hell when my parents got divorced when I was a young teen and we really were broke then. Lola worked mostly on barter. She was old with no family in the area. She stayed around the house, watched TV and occasionally ironed but she didn’t do a whole lot besides that when we were older. Her main role was to keep me and my brothers from doing something really dumb. We just loved her, took her on errands because she couldn’t drive, helped her to pay her bills and things like that. She first joined our family when I was 17 months old and still living in a trailer next to my grandparent’s house. That type of household help cost next to nothing back then in cash terms. He-yeah. Once upon a time ya had to pay near five hundred dollars at an auction for household help like that. 🙂 So **Shag** , out of curiosity, has your op been answered? Do you understand how many of us men in our 40s, 50s and over are attracted to specific women our own age? You are not. Possibly your specific experiences with women your own age, including a marriage that did not work out so well, has impacted that. You are attracted to some women who are younger than you, and some of them are attracted to an older man who takes control deciding where the date will be and pays and wants to be … deferential … in a relationship. I’m sure some are. Some of us who might find some of the women who would be attracted to that fine enough on the eyes would not be interested in having any sort of actual relationship with them … if we were in the position to be looking for new relationships (_so far_ still married). This is a time when Groucho might have been on to something with his “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.” line: a beautiful woman 20 or 30 years younger than me interested in me? Sorry my warning alarms would go off. I have no desire to be sugar daddy and she would not get half my jokes or cultural references, even if she laughed politely. What you experience as “harpy” some of us experience as “partners” and find attractive. Mileage varies man. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/345 "2017-07-26T12:38:06Z")
> [@Charlie\_Tan](#): > > I have. Let’s break it down. > > “I will have to see if I can go out with her.” > Shaggy is contemplating if he will decide to go out with her. > > “The 32 year old officemmate says that, if I don’t, he will.” > But should he decide not to, his co-worker will step up and do it. > > Nowhere in these two sentences is there any indication about what the woman in question wants. This isn’t even wrong. It’s just irrelevant. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/346 "2017-07-26T12:41:07Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Yeah, I was gonna say, given the context of this thread, “I will have to see if I can go out with her” basically translates to: “I will have to see if I can fuck her”. Why’s that? I’m getting a bit tired of reading over this entire thread to find out whether there is any actual justification for the allegations being thrown the OP’s way. But I have a distinct recollection of him saying it isn’t about sex and that his dating doesn’t have to involve that. If you want to sort through Shagnasty’s post and can show that on balance - using actual quotes - this is what he means feel free to provide them or alternatively I’ll just add your post to the towering pile of “horseshit being attributed to **Shagnasty** without basis” that is growing by the minute. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/347 "2017-07-26T12:52:37Z")
> [@Charlie Tan](#): > > I have. Let’s break it down. > > “I will have to see if I can go out with her.” > Shaggy is contemplating if he will decide to go out with her. If he can. > [@](#): > > “The 32 year old officemmate says that, if I don’t, he will.” > But should he decide not to, his co-worker will step up and do it. Presumably because she’s hot, although she is 42. So someone else agrees that this is a hot, albeit 42 year old, woman. > [@](#): > > Nowhere in these two sentences is there any indication about what the woman in question wants. She messaged him. I would think that indicated at least a willingness to consider dating **Shagnasty**. We haven’t seen the message in question, of course. If she is as hot as **Shag** and his co-worker say, then no doubt she has other prospects as well, and is unlikely to come running to **Shag** in sheer desperation. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Charlie\_Tan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/charlie_tan/32/12582_2.png) [@Charlie\_Tan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charlie_Tan)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/348 "2017-07-26T13:18:20Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > This isn’t even wrong. It’s just irrelevant. What a woman wants or thinks as a prospect of dating is “irrelevant.” Well that’s an interesting position. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/349 "2017-07-26T13:28:02Z")
Also not a position that anyone has taken. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![chaika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chaika/32/405_2.png) [@chaika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaika)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/350 "2017-07-26T13:56:51Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > But it doesn’t sound like you’re looking for companionship or even sex. You’re looking for ego-gratification. Without a hot woman on your arm, it’s so much as easier to feel small and unimpressive. I agree with this assessment. It also sounds as though you have an oddly transactional view of relationships, **Shagnasty**. You have mentioned many times that you will pay for all dates/outings, and in exchange the woman in question will be the ideal companion who will uphold her end of the bargain (no complaining about her life, no emotional entanglements, and of course she must be physically attractive and youngish). Your financial outlay also evidently entitles you to choose the type of date, where you go, etc. But this attitude seems to extend to all your relationships. Your former in-laws’ regard for you is framed in terms of the holidays they give you and the free access you have to their vacation houses. In addition, there are the many mentions of “spoiling” your children (by which I assume you mean showering them with material possessions). It all adds up to the idea that a relationship is based on input of money/material goods. Investing X amount of money in a person is both an expression of your interest in/regard for that person and an advance on some expected return. Given this rather calculated attitude toward human relationships, I’m not at all surprised that people have suggested an even more directly transactional approach (an escort service or the like). Your reluctance to pursue that option brings us back again to **you with the face’s** insight about self-image. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/351 "2017-07-26T16:47:57Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > The gods must be trying to screw with me. I just got a message from a 42 year old blonde that works out all the time and is hotter than hell. She seems pretty nice too. I will have to see if I can go out with her. The 32 year old officemmate says that, if I don’t, he will. I think there’s some ambiguity here, with a crucial distinction. Did the officemate say, “If you don’t go out with her, I will go out with her”? Or did he say, “If you don’t see if you can go out with her, I will see if I can go out with her”? The second statement is fine, AFAICT. The first one is a little icky. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/352 "2017-07-26T17:06:35Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I think there’s some ambiguity here, with a crucial distinction. > > Did the officemate say, “If you don’t go out with her, I will go out with her”? Or did he say, “If you don’t see if you can go out with her, I will see if I can go out with her”? > > The second statement is fine, AFAICT. The first one is a little icky. The second one and he was kidding anyway. It just meant that he agreed that she is very attractive. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/353 "2017-07-26T19:52:43Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > So, Shag, I hope you tell these women that you’re not looking for anything serious. At the very least, don’t let them think there might be a future. My guess is that the majority are looking for more than you are. Maybe you missed my question? Although, I guess I didn’t phrase it as a question, so now I will. Are you honest with these women about what you want? ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/354 "2017-07-26T21:21:19Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > Maybe you missed my question? Although, I guess I didn’t phrase it as a question, so now I will. Are you honest with these women about what you want? Jesus dude. It’s one date. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/355 "2017-07-26T22:17:31Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Jesus dude. It’s one date. Of course, but one should start out as one means to continue. It’s not ok to lie to someone in order to do out w/ them, not ever. If “Hey, I don’t feel I’m ready for an exclusive relationship in my life right now but I would really like to go get to know you better.” is the most honest thing to say, then it should be said before the first date so everyone involved knows where they stand. Having been lied to by guys in order to get a date and then having to abruptly dump them when I discovered the truth I can say the whole thing was no fun for me and likely not for them either. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/356 "2017-07-26T23:32:55Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Jesus dude. It’s one date. Shag himself criticizes a woman for going one date with him and not being upfront beforehand that she was in a complicated situation. Are your comments applicable to him as well? ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/357 "2017-07-26T23:44:53Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Did the officemate say, (snipped) You are missing the point of the officemate. He’s necessary so that people know that beautiful, desirable women are hitting on Shag. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2017, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/358 "2017-07-26T23:48:27Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > Shag himself criticizes a woman for going one date with him and not being upfront beforehand that she was in a complicated situation. > > Are your comments applicable to him as well? It wasn’t upsetting to me. We went to a good restaurant that I would never would have gone otherwise in an area that I have never been. We weren’t a great match so that is the end of it but I don’t regret it. The only thing that irritated me was that she told me at first that she was divorced and then switched it to “separated” when I met her for dinner. Those are two very different categories in my mind (and the eyes of the legal system). My profiles say Divorced plain as day and I don’t care about the details at first whether someone else is divorced, widowed or never married. They can tell me the details when they are ready to just like I can with them but that depends on hitting it off first. I am not going to tell someone I have never met in person every detail about my life just to go out to dinner or do something fun. That is putting the cart before the horse. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2017, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/359 "2017-07-27T00:13:07Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > **It wasn’t upsetting to me.** We went to a good restaurant that I would never would have gone otherwise in an area that I have never been. We weren’t a great match so that is the end of it **but I don’t regret it.** Sorry, my mistake again. I keep mixing you up with someone who complains about people: > [@Shagnasty](#): > > **It gets annoying.** I get to listen to their complaints while paying for whatever it is we are doing and it is usually very expensive. The one that I went on a date with this past Saturday turned out to still be married because of financial reasons but she didn’t tell me that in advance. I enjoyed the restaurant (Barcelona in South Boston) but **I didn’t intend on taking on a charity case that wants to be CEO of a financial firm while dealing with a complicated divorce.** You know that you can just bring a book or smart phone to nice restaurants and not have to put up with annoying people? It’s cheaper as well. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2017, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/360 "2017-07-27T00:35:04Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > Sorry, my mistake again. I keep mixing you up with someone who complains about people:You know that you can just bring a book or smart phone to nice restaurants and not have to put up with annoying people? It’s cheaper as well. I do sometimes but it isn’t ideal to do that all the time especially if you want to go someplace new and rather far away from home. Annoying and upsetting are two different concepts. Plenty of people have annoying traits including me. You can still have a good time with them at least for a while as long as they try a little. Upsetting is something like not showing up at all or actively insulting you. That is much more rare but it happens too. That is just the way dating works these days. I am doing it recreationally rather than trying to find a “soul mate” or “life partner” like so many are so you kind of have to get it right the first time if it is going to be worth it. I do my part. We don’t have to make out like teenagers at the end or ever go out again but I do expect them to try and demonstrate a little grace while we are there. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=17) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=19)