# Men in their 40's or above, how do you stay attracted to women your own age? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 19, 2017, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623 "2017-07-19T03:47:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 22
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/421 "2017-08-08T04:05:56Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Referring to women who might not be as physically attractive and well paid as this superficial standard you idealize as “downgrades” is evidence right there. They’re fucking people man, not TVs. Having such shallow requirements shows you place no or little value in their personalities, character, sense of humor, etc. Oh sure, you like these aspects in theory, but irl you dismiss all of them in a date unless they met these superficial standards first. People keep saying things like this but don’t you have strong preferences? It would be kind of weird if you didn’t and I think everyone does. I mainly use [Match.com](http://Match.com) which is basically a search engine for dates and “character” isn’t one of the choices. However, height, weight, build, race, education level, income, religion, drug use, smoking and parental situation are. Everyone has to be really specific about those and what they are looking for. They have been working on this game for a long time. I think they know what people are really looking for as opposed to what they claim to be. Most people are a lot more superficial than they choose to believe. I am just honest about it. Of course I want a woman with a sense of humor who is sweet and is like a pro in bed. She also needs to be attractive and well educated too. Those aren’t mutually exclusive goals. It just narrows the field but they are out there. My date this coming weekend is making me break out in a cold sweat because I actually want to get this one right. She hits every one of my checkboxes but those may be different for other people. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/422 "2017-08-08T04:11:38Z")
Wow. I’m glad I’m a hosebeast in a long-term relationship. We went to the grocery store today and enjoyed each other’s company. I must be doing it wrong. Need to do some downtrodding. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/423 "2017-08-08T04:51:02Z")
Trying to imagine myself suddenly single and being “looking” … And sure, it’s hard to imagine a women being a good fit with me if there was not some level of intellectualism and I’d be lying if I said that I would not care at all about looks. I’d be ageist too but more with hesitancy about someone much younger … I think it would be more surprising to find someone compatible with me who was very much younger than I am. You are free to have different values and tastes. That is not a problem. And I think you have a point **Shagnasty** that some women who are by superficial criteria amazing can also be amazing in deeper ways and may be approached less as many consider them “out of their league.” I had an attending back in residency … a beautiful tall intelligent funny highly successful woman … who always complained about how no one ever asked her out. Where you go off the rails though is in the degree to which the woman you go out with seems to be _an item of status_, scores in some “game” you are playing, and not someone to connect with. This line for example > [@](#): > > my ex-wife is very attractive and financially successful as well and I can’t accept a downgrade so I have to match or top her speaks to a disturbing or at least immature mindset. IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/424 "2017-08-08T05:12:50Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > People keep saying things like this but don’t you have strong preferences? It would be kind of weird if you didn’t and I think everyone does. It has nothing at all to do with having preferences. It’s how you refer to and view those who don’t match those preferences (and those who match them too). ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/426 "2017-08-08T05:21:08Z")
Fascinating thread. Why are people bothered to read what they themselves practice? Everyone who dates is aware that it is intrinsically a competitive and judged activity. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/427 "2017-08-08T06:43:04Z")
Remember that kid in elementary school that always had to inflate his self-worth? For summer vacation he was hired by the CIA to be a super mega spy. His uncle works for Nintendo. When kids laughed and said no way, he’d come back with even grander stories. Later in High School he totally had a girlfriend…a super hot one, a model… but she’s in California and has agoraphobia. You’d roll your eyes and say “sure dude, ok, we believe you”. Eventually it dawned on everyone that this guy believed his stories to a certain extent because it’s really all he had. Then it was just sad. Really sad. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/428 "2017-08-08T09:30:02Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > Fascinating thread. Why are people bothered to read what they themselves practice? Everyone who dates is aware that it is intrinsically a competitive and judged activity. Perhaps, but if your main objective in obtaining a romantic partner is to impress other people, you’re doing it wrong. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/429 "2017-08-08T12:19:26Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > When kids laughed and said no way, he’d come back with even grander stories. Later in High School he totally had a girlfriend…a super hot one, a model… but she’s in California and has agoraphobia. You’d roll your eyes and say “sure dude, ok, we believe you”. Eventually it dawned on everyone that this guy believed his stories to a certain extent because it’s really all he had. Then it was just sad. Really sad. I really don’t know if they believe it or not. I’m quite sure that they are thoroughly convinced that other people can’t see through it. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/430 "2017-08-08T12:34:02Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > Fascinating thread. Why are people bothered to read what they themselves practice? Everyone who dates is aware that it is intrinsically a competitive and judged activity. Once again, that’s not the complaint. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/431 "2017-08-08T14:58:42Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > You sound kind of like the racists who deny their racism because they have black friends. Look dude, if person after person is telling you that what you post makes it seem like you lack respect for and have terrible relationships with women (not family members who happen to be female but women as a whole), there’s probably at least a grain of truth to what’s being said. You seem stuck on the early-20s bar-hopping mentality. Which strikes me as very lonely. I find the reference to ‘downgrades’ kind of tasteless at best, but this is a very poor argument. Even if you think that, e.g. “people’s subjective assessment of something is what makes it racist”, you need to make sure that you’re sampling a representative slice of public opinion. I’d be really surprised if this board were a representative sample of what American, much less global, public opinion thinks about whether the remarks in question are offensive towards women. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/432 "2017-08-08T15:01:42Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > The odd thing is that the really high earning beautiful women are easier to get than the average ones. I I think most people just don’t hit on them. I think what’s happening here is the ‘average’ women sense you’re not really all that interested and so they don’t reciprocate. ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/433 "2017-08-08T16:43:44Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Once again, that’s not the complaint. Is it the language explicitly comparing and ranking that has people bothered? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/434 "2017-08-08T17:27:48Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > Is it the language explicitly comparing and ranking that has people bothered? If you have to ask, you’ll never know. Seriously. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/435 "2017-08-08T17:52:41Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > Is it the language explicitly comparing and ranking that has people bothered? It’s the judging and characterizing language - women he doesn’t find hot are “mediocre” or otherwise inferior in quality (or hosebeasts or some other negative descriptor), or are overestimating their worth, or some other superficial judgmental nonsense. A woman might not be for you, but that says nothing about them as a person or their overall quality. It just means they’re not for you. ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/436 "2017-08-08T18:29:57Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > If you have to ask, you’ll never know. Seriously. I disagree. I’m married and prior to being married I wasn’t exactly lonely. So I do understand how this dating business works. It seems to me that people are getting bothered about an explicit admission of what everyone does. Do you or did you date? While doing so do you apply any filters to those you choose to date? Or did you just go out and do anything with anyone with no implicit or explicit rating criteria? > [@iiandyiiii](#): > > It’s the judging and characterizing language - women he doesn’t find hot are “mediocre” or otherwise inferior in quality (or hosebeasts or some other negative descriptor), or are overestimating their worth, or some other superficial judgmental nonsense. > > A woman might not be for you, but that says nothing about them as a person or their overall quality. It just means they’re not for you. That’s the thing iiandyiiii, everyone is judging everyone continuously. Especially in the romantic realm. Is there some false comfort in denying what everyone does? You are judging Shagnasty based on his language. And I’m sure in some way you are ranking him as a poster based upon his language. Is that acceptable? ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/437 "2017-08-08T18:34:10Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > That’s the thing iiandyiiii, everyone is judging everyone continuously. Especially in the romantic realm. Is there some false comfort in denying what everyone does? > > You are judging Shagnasty based on his language. And I’m sure in some way you are ranking him as a poster based upon his language. Is that acceptable? I don’t characterize people as mediocre, or overestimating their worth, or hosebeasts, or some other negative descriptor, based on superficial qualities and my attraction to them. ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/438 "2017-08-08T18:36:59Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > I don’t characterize people as mediocre, or overestimating their worth, or hosebeasts, or some other negative descriptor, based on superficial qualities and my attraction to them. Do you not judge and rank people based on any quality? Superficial to you is important to someone else. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/439 "2017-08-08T18:39:05Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > Do you not judge and rank people based on any quality? Superficial to you is important to someone else. Superficial qualities (looks, formality of dress, etc) have nothing to do with one’s overall quality as a person. ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/440 "2017-08-08T18:44:39Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > Superficial qualities (looks, formality of dress, etc) have nothing to do with one’s overall quality as a person. Those are superficial to you. They are not superficial to everyone. What you value is subjective. What other people value is equally subjective. What makes your set of values correct and theirs wrong? Qualities such as looks, hygiene, dress, health, manner of speech etc. matter to me. They aren’t the only criteria I use in how I interact with people. But they are important aspects in figuring out or judging the whole. Now, I’m not going to go on to a forum and call a lady I dated a hosebeast though. That’s just rude. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2017, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/441 "2017-08-08T18:48:07Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > Those are superficial to you. They are not superficial to everyone. What you value is subjective. What other people value is equally subjective. What makes your set of values correct and theirs wrong? > > Qualities such as looks, hygiene, dress, health, manner of speech etc. matter to me. They aren’t the only criteria I use in how I interact with people. But they are important aspects in figuring out or judging the whole. > > Now, I’m not going to go on to a forum and call a lady I dated a hosebeast though. That’s just rude. Everything is subjective. I’m stating my opinion. Judging as the OP is doing its wrong, IMO. And to me it makes him appear misogynistic, since most of the judging is about women, and in line with rather traditional expressions of misogyny in our society. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=21) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=23)