# Men in their 40's or above, how do you stay attracted to women your own age? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 19, 2017, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623 "2017-07-19T03:47:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 29
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/562 "2017-08-15T01:00:20Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > Then it was just sad. Really sad. Yeah. Maybe disturbing would have been a better word choice. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/563 "2017-08-15T01:18:38Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > If you screw me over, I am going to hurt you back. . . . All you have to do is not intentionally fuck up and show up on time. > > . . . . > > Our job is to have as much fun as possible in the rest of the time allotted because it isn’t going to last long. For some of us, screwing someone over is not fun and not a good use of limited time. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/564 "2017-08-15T02:28:58Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Seriously, you sound like an angsty teenager. > > And your NDE I fear has given you an exaggerated sense of entitlement. I want to say there’s narcissistic personality disorder going on here, but the ‘‘I’m a total fuck up’’ doesn’t jibe with that. It’s pretty serious, though, **Shag**. If not an actual diagnosable disorder, there are unresolved issues here. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/565 "2017-08-15T02:30:24Z")
I’m assuming this is the kind of feedback you want, not trying to insult you for no reason. It sounds like the Dope is a place you like to test your thoughts and assumptions. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/566 "2017-08-15T10:23:38Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > I’m assuming this is the kind of feedback you want, not trying to insult you for no reason. It sounds like the Dope is a place you like to test your thoughts and assumptions. No offense taken. You are one of the only people I will listen to. There is definitely something odd going on but I have always been that way and I know how to mask it in daily life. It is just when I actually express my true feelings that I run into problems. I do just fine on a daily basis and I am more successful than most people. My oldest daughter has my personality too and no one knows what to do with her either. I just call it Addams Family syndrome. There is nothing wrong with it. It just doesn’t match very well with what other people tend to do. I have been to lots of different types of therapists besides strippers and the best thing they could come up with is [something like this](https://www.google.com/search?q=just+plain+nuts&tbm=isch&imgil=kxC0STWxsWeijM%253A%253Bd_-k_mfEaSzc6M%253Bhttps%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.pinterest.com%25252Fpin%25252F505247651922094111%25252F&source=iu&pf=m&fir=kxC0STWxsWeijM%253A%252Cd_-k_mfEaSzc6M%252C_&usg=__kptT7qIff8ct9PAPE7hw4bDQzzs%3D&biw=768&bih=379&ved=0ahUKEwjulYuYgNnVAhXGMyYKHbJ6CK4QyjcINQ&ei=98iSWa6-H8bnmAGy9aHwCg#imgrc=kxC0STWxsWeijM:). I don’t see it that way though. I certainly have my flaws but I am a successful professional, parent and I do more fun things than most people. I am going to be whitewater rafting in Colorado tomorrow and helicopter touring the day after that if I can arrange it. You can’t just beat a square peg into a round hole without destroying everything. It would be unfortunate and boring if everyone just marched in lock-step all the time. ---
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/567 "2017-08-15T12:03:31Z")
And you wonder why the woman from Connecticut backed out of the room slowly.:smack: ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/568 "2017-08-15T16:41:50Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > Why? If you screw me over, I am going to hurt you back. I am a bigger fan of the Old Testament than the newer one. It is pretty simple. All you have to do is not intentionally fuck up and show up on time. That shouldn’t be a hard request but it is apparently. You really don’t see why someone might have a problem with the idea of taking revenge on someone simply because they were late, or forgot to call you 5 years earlier? That’s some creepy shit. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/569 "2017-08-15T18:54:16Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > My youngest daughter is my ideal date. I don’t mean that in a perverted way at all. She is a competitive gymnast that also loves to play chess and checkers and she can speak French fluently. She is 11 so I can’t understand why 30 or 40 something year old women can’t even do a fraction of that. Do speak fluent French? Are you a competitive gymnast? If not then you are wasting everyone in this threads time. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/570 "2017-08-15T20:39:10Z")
> [@standingwave](#): > > It could be worse. You could have scored a date with [this guy](http://gawker.com/309684/nightmare-online-dater-john-fitzgerald-page-is-the-worst-person-in-the-world). Still wondering what **Shagnasty** thinks of this guy. Can he recognize the narcissistic bloviating that we all see, or does he think the guy doesn’t across that badly? Just wondering how far his blind spot extends. > [@Spice Weasel](#): > > I want to say there’s narcissistic personality disorder going on here, but the ‘‘I’m a total fuck up’’ doesn’t jibe with that. I see this as being as much as a self-criticism as saying “if you can’t take me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” Which is to say, not self-critical at all. It’s just another way of blaming humanity’s shortcomings for what is actually his maladjusted perspective. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/571 "2017-08-15T20:43:00Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > What people don’t understand is that all of life is a game and everyone dies at the end. Every second you waste on senseless bullshit is just a minor version of the death penalty. So how is wasting time on senseless revenge any better than this? That’s two death penalties rather than one. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2017, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/572 "2017-08-30T01:12:31Z")
I swear the gods are trying to mock me or prove me wrong. Soon after this thread winded down, I had two women contact me. They are both in their mid-40’s, beautiful and have lots of talent. One is an RN that is also a semi-pro dressage rider (horse dancing). The other is a relocated Canadian English teacher that is fluent in lots of things including French and runs marathons as a hobby. Now I feel inadequate. The problem is that they contacted me a day apart and I like both of them. I can go out with both if I can arrange a schedule but I have seen enough sitcoms to know this doesn’t usually play out as well as expected. I don’t want to hurt either one and maybe one or both won’t like me but I am not sure what will happen if I hit it off with two women at once. I am more of a one woman at a time kind of guy but you can’t ever tell in advance who you will match up with until you try. Believe it or not, I did listen to a lot of the criticism in this thread and adjusted my strategy based on it. It has been working out really well. For some reason, I was uncomfortable asking for what I really wanted but I am not now and hopefully I can reciprocate. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2017, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/573 "2017-08-30T01:23:06Z")
Lol. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2017, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/574 "2017-08-30T02:45:28Z")
^^^ ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2017, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/575 "2017-08-30T03:35:59Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I swear the gods are trying to mock me or prove me wrong. Soon after this thread winded down, I had two women contact me. They are both in their mid-40’s, beautiful and have lots of talent. One is an RN that is also a semi-pro dressage rider (horse dancing). The other is a relocated Canadian English teacher that is fluent in lots of things including French and runs marathons as a hobby. Now I feel inadequate. The problem is that they contacted me a day apart and I like both of them. Someday I really have to figure out how this happens. Where is this “Boston” in which you claim to live? ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2017, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/576 "2017-08-30T04:27:58Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Someday I really have to figure out how this happens. Where is this “Boston” in which you claim to live? I don’t live in Boston proper. I live in Franklin well to the southwest close to Rhode Island. I know you complain that you have bad luck with the ladies. I once did too but it is a very easy problem to solve. There is a formula involved and I would be happy to teach you how to do it for free. A true lady’s man taught me how to do it and the biggest problem I have is that it is too successful. I am not a pickup artist but I can promise you that there are an excess of women in the Boston area that just want a decent date for an event and you can have one any day of the week if you know what you are doing. Just PM if you want to know what I am talking about and I will tell you how to do it. It isn’t complicated at all. I am actually downplaying things. I have already talked to four women on match websites today but I am already overwhelmed by the two I have talked with extensively and there are always new ones coming in every single day. I just ignore most of them. The problem isn’t that there are too few, it is that there are too many and it isn’t like I am Tom Brady. If you aren’t getting results, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person but it does mean that you need to alter your game. All I did was spend a lot of time on my profile with the help of female advisors and it works like chum in a shark tank. I also know how to talk to women on the phone and identify commonalities no matter how obscure they are. That takes confidence and practice. I am not nearly as good in person but I am working on that too. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2017, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/577 "2017-08-30T05:54:04Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I don’t live in Boston proper. I live in Franklin well to the southwest close to Rhode Island. I know you complain that you have bad luck with the ladies. I once did too but it is a very easy problem to solve. There is a formula involved and I would be happy to teach you how to do it for free. A true lady’s man taught me how to do it and the biggest problem I have is that it is too successful. I am not a pickup artist but I can promise you that there are an excess of women in the Boston area that just want a decent date for an event and you can have one any day of the week if you know what you are doing. Sounds like I should talk to the guy you talked to. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2017, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/578 "2017-08-30T06:17:47Z")
I’m going to reply to the OP…I got here late. For most people our attraction is somewhat plastic based on conditions. E.g. I live in shanghai now and there are beautiful women everywhere. If you put me in a sleepy village tomorrow I might initially lament that theres no one I find attractive. But eventually my standards would change. Not consciously desperation, I mean I literally would find the only single woman in town hawt 🙂 If you don’t find women 40+ attractive, but women under 40 keep rejecting you, it’s only a matter of time before your standards change. If women below 40 are attracted to you, then there is no problem. In terms of the OP, the only eyebrow raising part was about seeing guys in their 40s obviously unhappy with their plain wives (difficult to quote, I’m texting on phone). It’s not healthy to look at other couples and think you understand what’s going on. You don’t. You don’t know what their story is, you don’t know who’s happy with whom, things are often much more complicated than you can judge based on how attractive you find the two people. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2017, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/579 "2017-08-30T06:51:12Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Sounds like I should talk to the guy you talked to. Right? All you need to know is this “one weird trick” and you too will have these gorgeous, worldly women lining up to date you. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2017, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/580 "2017-08-30T07:49:43Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Right? All you need to know is this “one weird trick” and you too will have these gorgeous, worldly women lining up to date you. As with many things in life, I am simultaneously skeptical and curious. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2017, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/581 "2017-08-30T08:19:24Z")
> [@Mijin](#): > > If you don’t find women 40+ attractive, but women under 40 keep rejecting you, it’s only a matter of time before your standards change. If women below 40 are attracted to you, then there is no problem. I just want to clarify this part of my post as, reading back, it sounds like I’m agreeing with the premise that women over 40 are not attractive. I do not. My response would be the same if the OP had said “how can anyone find women who don’t have green eyes attractive?”, or whatever. One of three things will happen: 1. If you’re successful at finding and dating green-eyed girls then there’s no problem. 2. If green-eyed girls reject you, but blue-eyed girls are down for you, then it’s just a matter of time before you find blue eyes attractive. 3. If all girls reject you, who you’re attracted to may be completed decoupled from any realistic prospects of dating. It’s not a good place to be. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=28) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=30)