# Men in their 40's or above, how do you stay attracted to women your own age? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 19, 2017, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623 "2017-07-19T03:47:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/101 "2017-07-20T05:07:59Z")
> [@Weisshund](#): > > and wtf is a hose-beast? > Thats usually a word for a woman that sleeps with anything. For no particular reason, since I was previously unfamiliar with the term, [this was the image that came to mind when I read “hosebeast.”](https://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/memoryalpha/images/4/47/M-113_creature.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20170201015941&path-prefix=en) ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/102 "2017-07-20T05:15:22Z")
> [@JohnT](#): > > Huh. I find women my age hawt. Couldn’t imagine dating someone in their 20s. Yep. It’s been that way for me all my adult life. I still find “sexy” to be close to my own age (67). ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/103 "2017-07-20T06:10:35Z")
I’m 56 and as I age, there are more women I find attractive. 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s, women can be attractive at all of those age ranges. But that is physical beauty, which though hawt, is fleeting. What attracts me is intimacy and friendship and love. And I’m married to her. But that doesn’t stop me from looking and admiring. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/104 "2017-07-20T06:32:03Z")
Growing old with somebody makes all the difference. The love and friendship that develops over almost thirty years creates a unique bond. Wrinkles, saggy skin, and weight gain just doesn’t really matter. It’s an unavoidable part of aging. My wife and I have changed a lot since we met in 1985. We’re still attracted to each other. I’m not blind. I do take a look if I see a thirty something rocking tight jeans in the mall. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/105 "2017-07-20T06:59:45Z")
> [@wguy123](#): > > Good bone structure refers to their face? And it is the ability to look the same old and young? Wouldn’t that be more about not gaining or losing weight in the face (or gaining or losing just enough to stay looking the same)? Or do people with bad bone structure have bones that change as they age so they look differently? > > I’m more confused on the “good bone structure” topic. Yes, it refers to the face. People without good bone structure have enough fat and/or droopy skin that their bone structure isn’t clearly defined; some people have droopy jowls or underjaw without having much fat. I’m surprised you apparently hadn’t encountered the expression before. ---
**Author:** ![GreenWyvern](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greenwyvern/32/2834_2.png) [@GreenWyvern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenWyvern)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/106 "2017-07-20T07:11:04Z")
Eventually in life - if you’re lucky - you find out two things: 1. Sex is boring in itself. The enjoyment is in the mind far more than the body. 2. Genuine love and affection is never boring, and if sex is one way of expressing love then it won’t get boring. This may sound very trite and simplistic, it may sound moralistic, it may even sound childish, but it happens to be true. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 9:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/107 "2017-07-20T09:58:16Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Perhaps being married to someone they have a history with and feel comfortable with and love is better than being old and single and jerking off to the image of an unattainable 30-something Euro chick they texted with all day. It’s probably easier for a man in his 40s to get sex from a 30something Euro chick than his wife. Or more likely, you end up old and married and still jerking it. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/108 "2017-07-20T11:17:06Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Someday, I may tell my son: “Son…never marry a woman who doesn’t love your d\*\*k.” What, some sort of fancy antique roll-top?😕 ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/109 "2017-07-20T11:53:58Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > I love your posts and usually, I agree with you, but in the case of the OP, I’d rather he stuck to popping boners with women on the computer rather than inflicting himself on any real-live women. This is based on years of watching how he devalues and objectifies women, particularly if they (gasp!!) have the audacity to be over 25. Yeah, I’m getting rather disgusted by the language **Shagnasty** uses to describe women he doens’t find attractive (harpies, hosebeasts, etc.). **Shags** , this probably won’t get through to you, but this kind of language reveals some troubling attitudes you have about women. You don’t have to love and be attracted to every woman, but they’re all people, and their attractiveness has nothing to do with their worth as a person. And for mature and kind people, attractiveness only has a little to do with one’s worth as a romantic partner. I don’t think you have much of a chance at finding romantic happiness based on your apparent attitudes about women. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/110 "2017-07-20T13:02:50Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > **Shags** , this probably won’t get through to you, but this kind of language reveals some troubling attitudes you have about women. You don’t have to love and be attracted to every woman, but they’re all people, and their attractiveness has nothing to do with their worth as a person. And for mature and kind people, attractiveness only has a little to do with one’s worth as a romantic partner. > > I don’t think you have much of a chance at finding romantic happiness based on your apparent attitudes about women. The expressed contempt for women is troubling. I don’t actually pay much attention to him, I’m just here to add my voice as someone who doesn’t believe women should be traded in at 39. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/111 "2017-07-20T13:54:00Z")
> [@Drunky\_Smurf](#): > > Well, “Don’t be ugly when you get older.” sounds like a good life lesson for everybody. Or ambitious. ---
**Author:** ![shiftless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@shiftless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shiftless)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/112 "2017-07-20T14:01:53Z")
I’ve always found slightly older women attractive so, as I’ve aged my idea of beauty has expanded to include a lot more age groups. My eyesight is fading too. Of course a 20 year old girl with perfect skin and the future ahead of her is attractive. But, and I apologize to all the beautiful young ladies out there, I want more that a pretty face from the person I spend all my time with. Conversation, respect and kindness are essential and a little physical attraction to me is nice as well. Don’t get me wrong, instant boners are awesome, but at some point they stop being instant no matter how pretty the face. Then you’re going to want someone who likes the rest of you. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/113 "2017-07-20T14:39:09Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > … with women on the computer rather than … Married and find my 58 year old wife of 33 years and four kids very attractive but this comment does serve as a reality check to some of the positions staked out here. I know that my wife thought the younger me, with a full head of curly hair, was more physically attractive than the current bald pated one. One morning I woke to her staring at me and saying “how did I end up in bed with middle aged man?” Seriously I think our self-image stops somewhere around 30 plus minus 5 and we best imagine ourselves with someone consistent with that deluded self-image. What I think happens is that long term partners are often at least partially included in our self-delusion bubble. Most “men in their 40’s or above” who partake of observing “women on the computer” are not preferentially searching for material of their own age or older. I definitely see many women my age and a bit older as “hot” and some who are younger “not.” What is first reaction changes often once a personality and mind gets experienced as well. But in terms of superficial reaction before mind and personality gets engaged the statements of some here that they see the older of their gender of attraction as more appealing than those a bit younger seem a bit of protest too much. I do not think there is anything pathetic about my finding Gal Gadot, 26 years younger than me and the same age as my oldest son, amazingly hot. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/114 "2017-07-20T14:57:32Z")
I’m nearly 50 and my wife is 50. We met when we were 20. I still find her very attractive. I don’t think it is simple partiality. I find the office assistant who works near my office very attractive, and she’s a mother of two in her mid-40s. This doesn’t stop me from finding young women attractive as well - though in many cases, I have nothing much in common with them. If I was single, in general I’d rather date women my own age, simply because I think I would find them more compatible with myself in terms of interests and experiences. Young women on average have the edge in looks, but older women on average are more likely to share interests with me; so it ought to be perfectly possible to find a woman who has both - in which case, age isn’t important. I guess I’ve never had this particular concern; being in a monogamous relationship so long, I’ve never really worried about it one way or the other - evaluating the relative attractiveness of others isn’t a necessity for me. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/115 "2017-07-20T15:10:21Z")
Wisdom, experience, depth and balance are very sexy, and often improve with age. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/116 "2017-07-20T15:21:50Z")
I’m the same age as Shagnasty and surprisingly, I’ve managed to stay attracted to my college sweetheart / wife for the past 20 years. > [@John\_Mace](#): > > Half your age + 7. Do 29-year-old women do it for you? 😉 Why wouldn’t they?😕 ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/117 "2017-07-20T17:48:09Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > I don’t think it’s at all plausible that the cliché about middle aged men being attracted to younger men is just something made up out of whole cloth. It isn’t but disputing it makes some people feel better. I think it’s a generalization with a YMMV factor like much of anything. Oh yeah, applies to younger women, too. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/118 "2017-07-20T18:11:40Z")
> [@epbrown01](#): > > It happens quite often, but as a 50-something man, I wonder about men 40 and up that want someone 20+ years younger, as that seems like a pretty shallow metric to look for in a life partner, or even a sexual playmate. We’re talking about someone missing decades of life experience, no matter how mature she seems. > > And how do these guys not remember their own 20s? Property damage or theft, alcohol and drug abuse, infidelity, jealousy, mental and financial instability, epic fights where the police are called, unplanned pregnancies or pregnancy scares, STDs - that chaos and drama is the milieu of 20-somethings. > > Talking to 20-somethings at work it’s clear the amount of just plain stupid shit going on is pretty much the same. > > Give me someone who, to quote Louis CK, “has had people come out of her vagina and step on her dreams.” Those things can be managed with expectations and boundaries and not proposing to every (or any) attractive person. Life stages have a lot to do with this. I see myself being divorced sometime in the near future (not what I wanted) and I’ve learned more about what I would like in relationships with the opposite sex. I think sexual attraction/activity is very important unless/until I have an illness that removes my sex drive (possible but less likely for men in good health who haven’t given up on life like the “sad old men” mentioned in OP) and it’s damn near impossible and probably very unfair to expect any one person to fulfill all the roles most of us tend to demand in a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/119 "2017-07-20T18:21:36Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > Don’t focus so much on looks. Go out with some people that might be great people, but a few pounds overweight (by your standards), or a few years too old, or a few inches too short, or similar. You might find that attraction can develop just because of their personality. > > I’m not saying go out with people you find terribly ugly – just that maybe you should try focusing less on physical hotness. This is what I always tried to do and thought was a practical strategy, but I’ve found that when attraction has to develop the other person will end up incredibly insecure/needy or just resentful and torpedo the relationship. Conventional wisdom might say the less attracted (not necessarily more attractive) partner will stray or look for the “greener grass” but I’ve found the opposite happen. This thread has a lot of legit “there are more important things than physical attraction” examples and that’s true, but how many women really want to be with a man that she had to wear down into trying out a relationship after no sexual attraction and/or he gradually came to the conclusion “this is great lady, we have tons to talk about, might as well have sex because she’s available”? ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2017, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623/120 "2017-07-20T18:48:21Z")
> [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](#): > > This is what I always tried to do and thought was a practical strategy, but I’ve found that when attraction has to develop the other person will end up incredibly insecure/needy or just resentful and torpedo the relationship. Conventional wisdom might say the less attracted (not necessarily more attractive) partner will stray or look for the “greener grass” but I’ve found the opposite happen. > > This thread has a lot of legit “there are more important things than physical attraction” examples and that’s true, but how many women really want to be with a man that she had to wear down into trying out a relationship after no sexual attraction and/or he gradually came to the conclusion “this is great lady, we have tons to talk about, might as well have sex because she’s available”? That’s not really what I’m advocating – if there’s no attraction after one date then it’s reasonable to move on. I’d just say that one should put attraction on a lower peg at the beginning. Many folks are undoubtedly already doing this. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-in-their-40s-or-above-how-do-you-stay-attracted-to-women-your-own-age/791623.md?page=7)