Men, tell me about your father

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

…contd…

Daniel used to take my brother and myself for trips out to the countryside, Derbyshire, Cheshire, Lancashire…all over the place if finance permitted it.

I recall him taking us to Wythenshawe, just on the outskirts of Manchester.

In those days Wythenshawe was fields, farms, woods and very few houses. Nowadays it’s all gone :frowning: mostly a huge housing estate but there are a few farms dotted about.

Sometimes, mostly when I’m feeling a bit heartsick for the old days, I take a trip to just have a look around, to remember what it was once like. I invariably return home just a wee bit saddened at what I’ve seen, because gradually it is becoming a concrete jungle, the farms will soon be gone.

Ah well ces’t la vie…unfortunately

22

My father up and left when I was 8. Can’t even say I have too many memories of him other then being yelled at for not walking with my toes pointed forward and once I had to stand in a corner for I can’t remember why (possibly never knew exactly what I did wrong). I guess this is all a few steps up from being abused. At least I walk with my toes pointed forward.
To my knowledge he never attempted to contact me or any of the other kids. I suppose this speaks volumes to his character. It’s all his loss really, me, bro and sis turned out to be fine upstanding people without his influence and he’s really missed out on some top notch grandchildren.
I don’t have my own children, but as strongly as I feel about my nieces I can’t even begin to understand how someone could walk away and never contact their children.

23

My father never told me he loved me.
My father never hugged me.

I guess there’s still time for both as he’s in his late 60’s and pretty healthy, but I don’t know if it will. My father worked hard to give us a good life and expressed his love with his checkbook. We didn’t really connect until I was an adult; I don’t think he knew what to do with me when I was a kid. I was too young and stupid to carry on a conversation with him (in his mind). He’s a much better grandfather than he was a loving father.

I was always taught to look out for myself; never taught about charitable works; never shown by example the benefits of doing for those who couldn’t do themselves. As a result I grew up thinking that life was all about how to line my own pockets because money is the answer to all of life’s ills. There were those who had money, breeding, class and success, and then there was everyone else. I was taught not to be “everyone else”.

As an adult I learned to resent that lesson. I try to rectify that by teaching my own kids to give back, to volunteer, to be charitable, to treat everyone equally and not to define people by race, creed or color.

At times I think I might be too hard on my father by thinking of him as a cold man, incapable of love. If I want to change our relationship I should do something about it. I haven’t been able to do it yet.

24

My dad and I didn’t say “I love you” until fairly recently. He was in his late 60’s or early 70’s, and one day on the phone, he said, “I love you” to me. I think my initial reaction was, “Uh, what?” Honestly, I thought I misunderstood him. So, he had to repeat it. That was kind of an awkward moment.

ETA: No, he was in his mid-70’s, because I was married when that happened. I guess it was only three or four years ago.

25

Let’s see.

My father was a closet alcoholic and cocaine abuser who decided he loved drugs more than his wife or his newborn child, cleaned out the bank accounts one night, and took off out of state. He showed back up in my early life once or twice to deal with divorce matters, but that was it.

He then spent the next several decades on the run from tax authorities and other folks who could garnish his wages. He eventually remarried and subjected his new wife (and their offspring) to poverty and a life on the run as he worked under the table here and there so that he wouldn’t have to make good on his mounting child-support responsibility. Every once in a while, someone somewhere would make a connection or two with Georgia authorities, and we’d get a few piddly checks-- $20 or so-- before he’d be on the run again, wife and kids in tow.

I did have the joy of seeing him listed as a “Top 10 Deadbeat Dad” on a segment of America’s Most Wanted. That was kind of funny.

When I turned 18, one of those rare connections was made, and my mom was given his contact information. She wrote to him to ask him to begin to take some responsibility-- his son wanted to go to college. He wrote back to blow her off, then he disappeared again.

Needless to say, he never played a sport with me, nor a board game. He never showed me how to shave, or how to tie a tie, or teach me to drive. No homework help, no washcloths on my forehead when I was sick, nothing. I had to do this stuff on my own-- taught myself to shave, had a guy at my first job show me how to tie my tie. Luckily, I think I got homework skills down pat.

I haven’t seen him since I was 2-- I’m now 34. I have no idea what he’s like, what he looks like, if he’s smart or stupid. I don’t know if he has any health issues I need to know about (tendency for heart disease? cancer?). And, for some bizarre reason I still want his acknowledgement. I don’t want money, I don’t even want a relationship with him… but I’d like him to admit I’m his son. And, maybe, be proud that he could help produce a kid who’s grown up to be pretty decent.

26

Student Driver- IMO he doesn’t have any right to be proud of anything you’ve accomplished, as he had nothing to do with it. Contributing his DNA to create you doesn’t amount to diddly-squat. Who you are and what you’ve accomplished is a testament to you and your mother.

27

My dad was / is great. He was a sales manager for construction equipment, so he was often out of town during the weekdays when I was younger, but he always made time for me and my sister on the weekends. Gave great advice, was there for me when I needed him. Overall a great guy and a great dad. He is now an excellent grandpa to my daughter and my niece and nephew. The only thing he probaly could have done better on the ‘things a dad teaches a son’ front, was “the talk.”

It consisted of:

Him: Any questions?
Me: Nope.
Him: Ok, glad we had this talk.

:slight_smile:

28

I forgot to mention something in my earlier post. I said that he struggled with cancer for a year. It was actually longer than that.

After my Dad died, everyone was struggling to make the mortgage. Mom was working. My brother had taken a job he hated, installing insulation. I was working full-time at 16. But it was still a struggle to come up with the payment. But we did and sent it.

We got a letter a week later.

It said “Apparently you were unaware that your husband had mortgage protection insurance. The mortgage has been paid off.”

We had no idea.

All I can think is that he found out that he had cancer and, with the help of a sympathetic doctor, was able to get this insurance. And lived with the knowledge that he had cancer until the policy was in effect. Then was officially diagnosed.

I have a difficult time imagining knowing I had cancer, and not being able to tell anyone. He essentially sacrificed himself to safeguard our family.

29

Some parents guide you through examples of things that you should do. Other by examples of things you should not do.

Under the heading of positive examples, my father showed me:

  • to provide for my family
  • to work hard and give value for what I do
  • how to write an effective business letter
  • how to reconcile a product inventory
  • how many coins go in a roll
  • how to tie a square knot and a bowline hitch (one-handed, no less - just in case you fell into a well & broke your arm, you know)
  • how to fold a tent
  • how to dig a ditch around the outside of a tent
  • how to make a fire with a single match (or even without one)
    Under the negative examples, my father did many things that I will not do. For example, he did & I do not:
  • drink a case of beer in a single sitting every day
  • smoke cigarettes regardless of the kid choking on the smoke
  • judge kids based on their size, weight, looks, smarts
  • judge people based on their color
    In the area of things he never did, he never:
  • hugged me as a kid
  • told me he was proud of anything I ever did
  • went to any of my school events
  • supported my choice in a girlfriend or later a spouse
  • provided me guidance on being a good husband or father
  • stood up to his role as a Scoutmaster, leaving me to make excuses for him
  • acted like he understood how his actions could impact his children
30

I love my dad, but I really don’t have much remarkable to say about him. He never taught me to shave, but I was VERY private and was actually embarrassed to have to start shaving. Just leave me alone, OK? I shaved for the first time alone, by my own choice. I guess he taught me how to tie a tie, because I learned somehow, before the internet. We went to ball games, Cooperstown, stuff like that. He was a good dad. Never beat me, only slapped me once (A minor slap, but I’m still not sure I deserved it. There were PLENTY of times he could have slapped me, and I’d have deserved it.) He drank, but never yelled or neglected me because of it, and, AFAIK, I only saw him actually drunk once. NEVER hit my mom - he’d be long gone if he had.

Joe

31

Dad was 43 when I was born so he didn’t teach me the usual physical stuff (e.g.: football, baseball, boxing*) that dads usually do. He went for quiet stuff instead, like card games (black jack, gin, and cribbage) and how to drive a stick. Family outings had to involve stuff that interested all 12 (or however many were home at any given time) of us; that meant going to movies, beaches, museums, fairs, and amusement parks as opposed to ballgames.

How is Dad a hero? He’s a middle child of a sickly laborer and a woman who didn’t want much to do with her children, so he and three of his siblings grew up in an orphanage. Like his (older) brother, he saw WWII as his way out of that life so he lied about his age and enlisted in the Navy. Dad saw action in the South Pacific, where his ship was set ablaze in a kamikaze attack but he was not injured, and met his future wife while stationed at Pearl. After the war, he used the GI Bill to get a degree at the University of Wisconsin. His degree led to being instrumental in developing Armour’s line of thyroid medications.

*I wish somebody had taught me self-defense.

32

Missed edit window -

ETA - That’s another thing. My blue-collar, working-man dad NEVER disparage ANYONE based on something other than their personal behavior. Black, gay, whatever? He didn’t give a shit, as long as you were a decent human being. Among people I know, that was rare in a father. So he’s got that going for him.

Joe

33

My father disappeared over the horizon before I had any memory of him. He died when I was about 16, having never contacted me or acknowledging my existence, even though he lived out his life here in Alaska. My stepfather was emotionally distant, although he took me fishing from time to time. Big waaahh, right?

34

One time when I was in my early 20s and living a thousand miles away from my parents, Dad called me up and said, “Sorry I was never really there for you.”

That mostly sums it up. I think he wanted to be more involved, but the deep depression that he still won’t admit he has prevented that.

He didn’t teach me to shave, but he was a couple rooms away watching MAS*H while I was learning to do it on my own. My grandpa and my mom were the ones who took me to football and baseball games, so at least I had that (Dad hates sports).

35

Ditto.

I could also say:

Mine never saw any of my little league games, basketball games, or any other competitions.
He never taught me how to ride a bicycle.

I could go on but you get the idea.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and we moved a couple of hours away. In the 34 yrs or so since that time, he has come to visit me a total of 5 times, and only once when I was still a minor. I live much further away from him now but he has all the time in the world and I work full time. He has even flown to New Zealand (twice) in the last ten years to see his wife’s son and family.

Was he a workaholic? Wells, yes, up until age 10, when he retired. He was always too busy watching political shows, and analyzing stocks.

At this time, I am 47 and he is 87. Last summer, I drove 1300 miles to see him as well as to see some old friends from my youth. I set aside my last night there to be with him and his 3rd wife. He spent the evening in his bedroom watching CNN, FOXNews or someother political or news show while my sister and me dealt with his over-bearing wife.

It will probably be the last time I see him alive. I am not going to take the time out of my busy life and I don’t think he would me. I love him, but I sure don’t like him.

Am i bitter? you betcha. I guess I can thank god that he was never abusive, mostly because he was never there.

Oh well, sorry to be such a bummer.

36

My dad taught me to hunt, farm, and do other “manly” things, but he did not express any emotion, ever. I don’t recall him telling me that he loved me or was proud of me more than a handfull of times, though I’m sure he does/is. He’s not a particularly manly man, and growing up in a farming community, and going on to become a teacher, I think he felt what Bayard describes, and the distance he felt from his father influenced how he treated me.

I think he feels some resentment toward me because I had experiences that he never had the chance to, and went on to get more education and work at a higher level in academia. I really don’t understand this, as he spent a year in India in the 60’s, which I would have loved to do, and my education level is not that much different than his. I think he’s a little jealous that I’ve had more experience with women, as he married yery young. Frankly, I’m a little jealous of him, as I think it has done me more harm than good.

Now, I’m a father of two beautiful little girls. I’m trying to be the best father I can, though I know it’s my nature to be the same emotionless robot I grew up with. Knowing this, though, gives me an advantage: I can see when I’m slipping back into it. I tell my kids that I love them and am proud of them all the time. I actually hug them and try to be an active parent. When they’re older I will try to remember that they are their own individuals, they have to make mistakes on their own, and they have to do what is right for themselves, not what I or their mother would like.

37

My dad was a human being, just like the rest of us. He had many qualities, good and bad. In the end, all I can say is that he probably did the best he could, and in fact did a damn-site better than many. He provided a very nice life for his family.

The older I get, the more I realize that life isn’t “Ozzie and Harriet” and that many people are pretty miserable, due to thier own faults or being “victimized” (actually or imagined) by others.

Well, its a lot easier to be happy while living in paradise than in a shit-hole, so my old man did okay. Sure, maybe he didn’t play “catch” with me, but I always had a season’s pass to ski and new equipment to do it on.

I’ve learned a lot from my dad. Some good and some bad. I miss him.

38

My dad set the bar high for obligation, duty and responsibilty. He did it through the way he lived his life, rather than anything in particular he ever told me.

His character strengths were courage, determination, faith in himself, kindness to others and devotion to his family.

His flaws were an inappropriate sense of humor, an occasional rush to judgment and a lack of ability to think about how he was going to say something when he criticized, all of which I learned to live with and simply accept.

In all, he was about the best role model I could have asked for. When I’m confronted with something I don’t want to do or a situation I don’t like, I ask myself, “Is this something the old man would have done without bitching?” If the answer’s yes, and it usually is, I just go ahead and do it.

Although I don’t think he knew who Jeff Cooper was, Dad embodied the credo that a father’s three main duties are to teach his children to ride, shoot straight and tell the truth.

39

My dad taught me how to drink.

That’s pretty much it. And it turned out that I was a natural, so I didn’t need the help. Other than that, he was MIA.

40

It’s really interesting to read all the posts…thanks!

One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that my sibs and I seem to have different relationships with our parents. E.g. I wouldn’t be surprised if dad taught my oldest brother how to tie a tie…but the novelty of having a son probably wore off by the time he got to me (#5). In fact, it was my oldest brother who taught me how to tie one.

Since puberty, I’ve felt more connected to my sibs than my parents. The span literally qualifies as a generation gap: my oldest sister has a daughter who is older than me. Being raised by parents 40 years older than me, well, you can imagine…it’s like being raised by (young) grandparents. Some of my ideas didn’t go over big with the Depression-era crowd. :smack: