# Men who abuse women (or anyone) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 15, 2011, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-who-abuse-women-or-anyone/606307 "2011-12-15T16:11:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 4\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2011, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-who-abuse-women-or-anyone/606307/61 "2011-12-16T07:28:01Z")
> [@Bloodless\_Turnip](#): > > Why not ask the OP, who seems to want to single out men. > [@Bloodless\_Turnip](#): > > Where has anyone stated that only men are abusers?. Glad I went back and read the thread. So many people supportive of the idea that men are not the only abusers out there. But here, very clearly, you answer your own question. > [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > It’s understandable you’re angry, but it’s also important that you don’t only see her as a victim. If you’re not careful you could reinforce her sense of helplessness by treating her with kid gloves. She needs to take control of her own life and that means taking responsibility for her own sense of safety. I’m only speaking from experience in my own marriage - her trauma WILL affect your relationship so the sooner you both deal with it, the better. Your job is to be her cheerleader, not her savior. This in spades. You are not her White Knight, her savior. I made the mistake in my marriage of trying to be this from time to time. I learned that some people need their burdens, and if any of them are lifted, they will not only create new ones to take their place, but if you willingly shift their burdens to yourself, they will willingly shift the blame to you as well. Be careful of this trap. Also, do not reinforce or take on the idea of “men = abusers”, lest you become one in her eyes as well and/or reinforce destructive hatred of all men. Anger is a powerful evolutionary tool. As I’ve said, anger comes from fear, which comes from powerlessness. Anger helps us reclaim our power. Unfortunately, anger also tends to stomp the fuck out of our moral compass and claim power over us by being thoroughly addicting. It feels good to experience power by being angry (hence the age of recreational outrage on the Internet). But in the end, used too much or lived in too well, it warps and destroys you. It makes YOU the monster. Many years ago, a then-friend of mine was robbed at gunpoint by a black drug dealer, and then forced to drive the guy around for several hours while the guy did his deals. He became very racist against black people because of it. What happens is that the victim identifies their assailant as a member of a group, and then transfers their anger to the entire group of potential assailants. Their anger isn’t enough to regain power against that one person who wronged them, so it becomes hatred and irrational anger against people who have fuck all to do with the original situation, as a means of attempting to regain power and protect themselves against it happening again. Hating all men (or women), or all black people (or all white people), or all left handed bowlers, isn’t going to protect you from danger, or make you safe, or give you power, or make you happy. It’s going to fuck you up. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2011, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-who-abuse-women-or-anyone/606307/62 "2011-12-16T07:50:58Z")
> [@LilyoftheField](#): > > I’m not saying that there is no emotional and/or psychological damage inflicted by abuse in any form - obviously there is, but there’s a world of difference between your average man being physically attacked by an unarmed woman and an average woman being attacked by an unarmed man. But women tend to go for weapons more than men. Being bigger isn’t going to do a man much good when he’s being stabbed with a knife or hit with a hammer. > [@LilyoftheField](#): > > Unless you have been in a position where you are being pinned to the wall by a hand on your throat by a person who is a foot taller and more than sixty pounds heavier, while said person, in a rage, foams at the mouth and threatens to KILL you and you know - you KNOW that this person is physically able to do just that - well, that’s a degree of emotional and psychological damage that goes a lot deeper than being hit by someone who is physically weaker than you. As opposed to being attacked by an armed woman when you know that you in effect have no legal right to self defense; that if the police become involved they’ll haul you off to jail and not her even if she’s unmarked and they have to haul you out on a stretcher. And knowing that most people will believe she was in the right and even be cheering her on. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Accident](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Mr.Accident](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Accident)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2011, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-who-abuse-women-or-anyone/606307/63 "2011-12-16T11:08:49Z")
The reason I didn’t include women in my rants is because I was ranting about things I have personally witnessed or been told about. Most of my friends are female, and when they’ve been abused it’s been by men. Every case of abuse I’ve personally witnessed has been male on female abuse. I wasn’t trying to ignore men being abused by women, nor was I trying to play it off as not as horrible. I simply don’t think about it, since I have no experience, firsthand or from stories, so it doesn’t cross my mind much. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2011, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-who-abuse-women-or-anyone/606307/64 "2011-12-16T16:10:01Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > As opposed to being attacked by an armed woman when you know that you in effect have no legal right to self defense; that if the police become involved they’ll haul you off to jail and not her even if she’s unmarked and they have to haul you out on a stretcher. And knowing that most people will believe she was in the right and even be cheering her on. How many times has this happened to you personally? I’m assuming you have some experience being abused and then arrested for it, being that you fixate on this unlikely scenario so frequently. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-who-abuse-women-or-anyone/606307.md?page=3)