# Men: Why are you paying for the date? Women: Why do you accept it? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 19, 2017, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668 "2017-07-19T18:43:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2017, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668/81 "2017-07-24T19:33:11Z")
I assume I’m paying if I’m the one who did the asking-out. I mean, you can contribute or even pay for the whole thing if you want, no problem there. I just feel like it’s kind of a dick move to ask someone out on a date and not foot the bill. ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2017, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668/82 "2017-07-25T01:54:15Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Do you mean “the inviter pays”? yep, slip of the keyboard. Inviter pays. ---
**Author:** ![Wakinyan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wakinyan/32/352_2.png) [@Wakinyan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wakinyan)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2017, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668/83 "2017-08-02T22:28:16Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Sorry the nuance escaped me. I do not understand this, what is this “nuance” that escaped you? “But even taking the above as your question” (below), as if my initial question wasn’t actually a question? I do not demand special treatment because English is not my native language, but honestly I do not understand what you mean. > [@gigi](#): > > But even taking the above as your question, many people said this is not the case, that often it is the asker who pays, or the person who is working. […] But the matter of “the one who suggested the drink gets to pay” has already been discussed. If one guy meets a guy and says “hey, lets have a beer”, nobody expects the guy who utter those words to pay the bill. (See upthread.) I also do not agree with “many people said this is not the case”. Quite the opposite my feeling (yes, feeling, becuase I’m unable to know or show that it is so for obivous reasons) is that most women – in opposite to men – who responded to my initial question share the puzzlement of the OP. > [@gigi](#): > > What if one person is treating the other as a birthday gift, or to cheer them up, or while they are out of work? There are many variations of what could be going on, and “man always pays” and “each always pays their own way” aren’t even the only choices. We all know that, and I think I addressed that in post #2 or somewhere thereabouts, and also returned to it later. That is not the question. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2017, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668/84 "2017-08-02T22:58:50Z")
> [@Wakinyan](#): > > I don’t get this. Is it actually so? If you meet a guy at the parking lot and you discuss the weather and he or she says, hey, lets have a burger on Tuesday – do you really expect that person to pay for your burger you’re having on Tuesday? > > If you have an unsuspected telephone call from a person who eventually says, “Hey, baby, you sound like a ball. Let’s have steak Saturday.” Do you leave your credit card at home? – And what, if so, do you do if Deep Thoat says “no” when the waiter asks if you’ll share the tab? Screaming and waiving your hands, “I wasn’t the one who asked for this, I wasn’t the one who asked for this!” > > You bring you own money to the game and pay for it, boy or a girl. All else, I think we all are agree, is dumb. Or do we not agree (which is the “original” question)? I don’t agree, but I also don’t leave my wallet at home. The element you are missing is hospitality. It used to be that people had each other over to their homes for dinner - usually on a Sunday afternoon. But that is fairly rare these days. Now, most hospitality is in the form of inviting someone out to a meal, or some other entertainment. It’s always a moment of awkwardness for me if I’m on the receiving end. I’m never quite sure if the other person was raised with the same rules. Some will be offended if you don’t offer to pay, some if you do. I personally get really bothered when someone makes a fuss to pay for their own meal or ticket when I’ve asked them to come with me. I try to take it lightly, but it bugs me. The assumption is that each will entertain as they wish and can afford, and that the long term enjoyment offered will equal out. The broke friend can always plan a day at a museum, the zoo, or a picnic. It doesn’t matter, the point is to make the effort to be hospitable. So if you are so horribly bothered by paying for a date, then maybe you should plan an activity that doesn’t cost so much, or at all. It’s not a transaction, it’s a social interaction. ---
**Author:** ![Wakinyan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wakinyan/32/352_2.png) [@Wakinyan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wakinyan)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2017, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668/85 "2017-08-02T23:27:46Z")
Dear **TruCelt** , thanks for taking time, but unfortunately this thread has nothing to do with hospitality. I have many times been at the receiving end of hospitality and sometimes at the giving end of it too. I think hospitality is a good thing, but that has nothing to do with this thread. I think that the title of the thread make this clear, but if it is not clear, please PM a moderator to have him or her clarify it for you, and any other doper. Also, I’m not “horribly bothered”. Sometimes people starts threads on the internet that they are not “horribly bothered” by. They might for instance be a bit curious, and they want to have a discussion about it. Right now I’m having an interesting discussion regarding men habitually paying the bill for “high earning women” [quote **shag man**] because they are men, and because the other part is a woman. I find that curious. I’m not “horribly bothered” by it. I find it curious. So I’m asking dopers what they think about it. Is this difficult to understand? If so, how old are you? ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2017, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668/86 "2017-08-03T01:14:54Z")
> [@Wakinyan](#): > > But isn’t that stupid 2017, when women do not need a man to provide for her, and thus isn’t it really insulting to the woman, as if she was unable to have an income of her own, as if you need to “provide”? No. Most women are not going to interpret his willingness to pay as any sort of insinuation about her finances. Most will just consider it as him doing something nice (or, if he’s leering at her the whole meal, as an attempt to get into her pants). ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2017, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668/87 "2017-08-03T03:17:47Z")
Most women, no. For starters, it’s one of those things in which the US has stayed stuck in modes of courtesy which much of Western Europe abandoned sometime during the early 20th century, and that’s limiting ourselves to euro-originated customs. The first time a guy held a chair for me I didn’t understand WTF was he doing, was the chair bothering him? It wasn’t in his way or anything, why had he grabbed it? I wanted to sit down… ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2017, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668/88 "2017-08-03T04:04:45Z")
> [@Wakinyan](#): > > Dear **TruCelt** , thanks for taking time, but unfortunately this thread has nothing to do with hospitality. I have many times been at the receiving end of hospitality and sometimes at the giving end of it too. I think hospitality is a good thing, but that has nothing to do with this thread. I think that the title of the thread make this clear, but if it is not clear, please PM a moderator to have him or her clarify it for you, and any other doper. > > Also, I’m not “horribly bothered”. Sometimes people starts threads on the internet that they are not “horribly bothered” by. They might for instance be a bit curious, and they want to have a discussion about it. Right now I’m having an interesting discussion regarding men habitually paying the bill for “high earning women” > [quote **shag man**] > because they are men, and because the other part is a woman. > > I find that curious. > > I’m not “horribly bothered” by it. > > I find it curious. So I’m asking dopers what they think about it. > > Is this difficult to understand? > > If so, how old are you? There’s a strange assumption here that men _object_ to paying on dates. Some men might object, but I certainly don’t. (I don’t think I’ve ever dated a ‘high earning woman’ per se). I was actually once on a date where I suggested splitting the bill and she was really offended, so I learned my lesson early. I’m currently (semi-casually) dating someone who paid for a drink on our first date b/c I didn’t have my wallet at hand, but was careful to add, “don’t worry, you’ll be paying for most things if we start dating.” ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2017, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668/89 "2017-08-03T04:07:24Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > So if you’re out on a first date and the man insists on paying that’s not a big thing. But if you continue and he always insists on paying and gets mad if you want to pay, that tells you something about him. Likewise if you’re out with a woman and she gets offended if the man doesn’t pay. If a woman who would never pay for a date is seeing a guy who would never not pay then congratulations, they’re perfect for each other. Otherwise, not so much. Yes, this is definitely me. I’m looking for someone who likes traditional gender roles (to a point: I don’t care about monogamy, etc., but I do like the traditional gender roles when it comes to things like paying), so the whole question about paying is a really good filter for me. If someone wants to split things 50/50, we won’t be agood fit. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2017, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668/90 "2017-08-03T04:21:38Z")
If taking someone out on a date is not hospitality, then what is it? That’s a bizarre statement to me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/men-why-are-you-paying-for-the-date-women-why-do-you-accept-it/791668.md?page=4)