# Merry Christmas you f'ing thieves! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 22, 2010, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107 "2010-12-22T19:47:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![WPA-Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WPA-Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WPA-Guy)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/1 "2010-12-22T19:47:00Z")
Living here in Western PA is like living in the 1950’s and I hate it when the real world encroaches on our corner of the boonies: our area has had two robberies in the past few days. A crime wave right at Christmas. On Sunday someone broke into my co-worker’s neighbor’s home, while they were at church, and took their two shotguns and a safe with all their family’s important documents. These folks are Amish, just married in their early 20’s with little kids, have no money (or electronics or drugs or jewelry). This morning someone broke into anther family’s home, took all the Christmas presents, took all the electronics – Xbox, Wii, games – and then tore apart the bathrooms looking for prescription drugs. Thankfully the kids were at school and the parents at work. News travels fast here, especially when everyone has unlimited texting, so now the town is in an uproar. We’re being warned that people are watching your routine and are waiting to rob you blind. It doesn’t help that we have police protection only right in town: if you live in one of the townships you have to call the State Police and they are 20 miles away. So Merry Christmas you fucking thieves. Just because you are thieving out here in the country doesn’t mean you won’t get caught. People here have lots of time on their hands and they pay attention to what’s going on at their neighbor’s house and they like to talk to the cops. The cops have lots of time on their hands to track your asses down. Plus, do it again and you’ll find out lots of people have guns they are not afraid to use. You know there are a lot of deer around here and I hope one jumps out at you when you’re taking your haul. Also, watch for the turkeys they’ll fly right into your windshield. Every other person who thinks they can come here and be a lowlife has either gone to jail, hung themselves, or been run out of town, so stay the fuck away. Rural retribution is a bitch. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/2 "2010-12-22T20:07:54Z")
> [@WPA-Guy](#): > > Every other person who thinks they can come here and be a lowlife has either gone to jail, hung themselves, or been run out of town, so stay the fuck away. Rural retribution is a bitch. What makes you so certain the thief isn’t a local? I’ve lived in country towns, and i went to school with lots of people who lived in small country towns, and for all their down-home friendliness, plenty of small towns have their share of petty crooks. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/3 "2010-12-22T20:22:48Z")
First, that sucks and my condolences to the victims. Second, I take it authorities have rounded up the usual suspects? ---
**Author:** ![WPA-Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WPA-Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WPA-Guy)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/4 "2010-12-22T22:22:32Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > What makes you so certain the thief isn’t a local? I’ve lived in country towns, and i went to school with lots of people who lived in small country towns, and for all their down-home friendliness, plenty of small towns have their share of petty crooks. Yeah, we have our share of local crooks, so my neighbors and I will be watching eBay and Craig’s List for the stolen stuff. It amazes me the success rate of solving crimes around here. Someone always sees something and the police usually find out who the criminal is. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/5 "2010-12-22T22:37:15Z")
You don’t live in [Cabot Cove](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086765/), by any chance, do you? ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/6 "2010-12-22T22:40:00Z")
Now I have this weird image of Amish people feverishly texting warnings to each other. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/7 "2010-12-22T22:43:29Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > What makes you so certain the thief isn’t a local? I’ve lived in country towns, and i went to school with lots of people who lived in small country towns, and for all their down-home friendliness, plenty of small towns have their share of petty crooks. All true, but I’d think that if the criminals were local, there’d have been some indications previsouly - Small, less bold burglaries. Plus, a local would know that there’s not typically a whole lot of fungible goods in an Amish home. Could _still_ be a local, but I’d lay odds against. ---
**Author:** ![wintertime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c68b51/32.png) [@wintertime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wintertime)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/8 "2010-12-22T23:10:49Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > Now I have this weird image of Amish people feverishly texting warnings to each other. Using what? Catapults? ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/9 "2010-12-22T23:28:45Z")
> [@wintertime](#): > > Using what? Catapults? Semaphore ---
**Author:** ![WPA-Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WPA-Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WPA-Guy)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/10 "2010-12-22T23:40:05Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > Now I have this weird image of Amish people feverishly texting warnings to each other. Funny enough some Amish here have cell phones. It depends on what their particular group allows. The weirder image is the canoe one family has put on wheels and uses as auxiliary seating behind the regular horse and buggy. ---
**Author:** ![wintertime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c68b51/32.png) [@wintertime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wintertime)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/11 "2010-12-22T23:48:45Z")
> [@Harmonious\_Discord](#): > > Semaphore Efficient. Though less likely to make an impact than hurling a stone tablet across the river.\* > [@](#): > > Semaphore had been around for centuries, and everyone knew that knowledge had a value, and everyone knew that exporting goods was a way of making money. And then, suddenly, someone realised how much money you could make by exporting to Genua by tomorrow things known in Ankh-Morpork today. > > And some bright young man in the street of Cunning Artificers had been unusually cunning. > > Knowledge, information, power, words…flying through the air, invisible… > > And suddenly the world was tap-dancing on quicksand. > > – **Pratchett, Terry: The Fifth Elephant** You see why my mind couldn’t possibly make the connection? * * * - No, I have nothing against the Amish. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/12 "2010-12-23T19:55:52Z")
Blech. I know (on a smaller scale) how it feels to be robbed near xmas since someone ganked 50 bucks from my checking account through paypal and I STILL have no idea how they got my password. If I was big into holidays (I’m not) I’d be really depressed this week. sigh. Thankfully it was immediately flagged as fraudulent and I’m only a couple days away from having Paypal put the money back into my bank account. But robbery the week before Christmas, what a shitcunt thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/13 "2010-12-23T21:09:40Z")
Amish have shotguns? I thought they were just supposed to stand there and let punks dab ice cream cones on their noses. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/14 "2010-12-23T21:23:25Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > Amish have shotguns? I thought they were just supposed to stand there and let punks dab ice cream cones on their noses. Ducks will not be tolerated. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/15 "2010-12-23T21:29:16Z")
Learn something every day. I used to think that when Amish wanted to sit in the buggy’s front passenger seat they’d yell “SHUNNING!” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2010, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/16 "2010-12-24T01:40:21Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > Amish have shotguns? I thought they were just supposed to stand there and let punks dab ice cream cones on their noses. I think that’s the Buckingham Palace Guards? Seriously, I believe their guns would be for hunting. ---
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/17 "2010-12-24T20:19:58Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > I think that’s the Buckingham Palace Guards? > > Seriously, I believe their guns would be for hunting. Or putting livestock down. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/18 "2010-12-24T20:30:33Z")
Nitpick: If nobody was home, it’s a “burglary” which is a crime against property. A “robbery” is a crime against a person by taking stuff using force or fear against the victim. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/19 "2010-12-24T20:42:38Z")
> [@wintertime](#): > > Using what? Catapults? Barns being way too slow… > [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > Amish have shotguns? _Trying to picture the Amish dancing to ‘Jump Around’ by House of Pain_ ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2010, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107/20 "2010-12-24T21:33:16Z")
> [@WPA-Guy](#): > > This morning someone broke into anther family’s home, took all the Christmas presents, took all the electronics – Xbox, Wii, games – and then tore apart the bathrooms looking for prescription drugs. Pretty strong clue there. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/merry-christmas-you-fing-thieves/565107.md?page=2)