# Met a very influential person who could help my kid get into a competitive Uni. What now? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 8, 2013, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789 "2013-05-08T13:35:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/21 "2013-05-08T18:34:57Z")
What now? Get a life. Don’t waste your kid’s life plotting his future by glomming onto big shots. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/22 "2013-05-08T18:44:07Z")
> [@newcrasher](#): > > Oh…craven…yes. I hope I haven’t given you the vapours. Think of that poor man you’re taking advantage of. I’m sure in all his years of political operating he’s absolutely _never_ had somebody solicit his influence. :rolleyes: Get realistic people. This is a classic schmooze. The Pol man is probably on to **newcrasher’s** moves and doesn’t seem to care since it’s a situation he’s had to deal with his whole life. The fact that he offered an invitation pretty much shows that he’s not concerned about getting played. And while a nine year old kid shouldn’t be actively pursuing a university it doesn’t harm him to see university life or have a favorite college sports team. A visit is not going to harm him. ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/23 "2013-05-08T18:45:39Z")
> [@delphica](#): > > As someone who works with admissions for a competitive university, this type of influence is greatly overrated by the general public. I have been in meetings where we had to decide if we would admit the actual children of people like this, and sometimes the decision is not to admit. There would be a very close-to-zero impact on the decision process for the child-of-a-friend. > > A more typical response would be to make the admissions decision about kid without any consideration of the person of influence (a blind decision), and then after the decision is made, let the influential person know maybe a day in advance of the official notification date. That way, if the kid is admitted, the influential person can have the fun of delivering the news, and implying it was due to his/her influence … or if the kid is rejected, the influential person can break the news gently. In my experience, people love the first option, but often decline to get involved with the second option. > > Plus, we also get a lot of calls from such influential people who come right out and say “I told the parents I would call, so I am calling … but beyond the literal fact that I am holding a telephone and speaking with you, I have no investment in what happens after we hang up.” > > He sounds like a decent guy, and maybe would be a fun person to know. If you decide to get to know him, it should be based on that. This is what have I have seen from the outside - thank you for sharing your inside perspective. [QUOTE=lieu] This gentleman obviously is too intelligent to intentionally put himself in an obligation he has no desire to fulfill. This would be a good experience for your son regardless of whether the man remains an influential resource for you so I’d do it based on that alone. And then, if the friendship continues or he makes an additional gesture, it’s good again. Take him up on it while leaving him with an easy out… and good luck! [/QUOTE] And that is the common sense about pursuing this type of relationship, regardless of where it goes. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/24 "2013-05-08T19:19:11Z")
> [@Lasciel](#): > > Hate to break it to you, but there is a distinct segment of American society where 9 year olds are already far into creating their “life portfolios” for meeting the admission standards into the school of their (parents’) choice. Between legacies and naked ambition, there are families undertaking strenuous social maneuvers in order to get their PRESCHOOLERS into the “right schools” to feed into the university they are aiming for. > > It aint pretty (and I don’t think it’s necessary) but it is what it is. 9 is plenty old enough in that sort of environment to have made a decision about what school he wants, and if he does change his mind later, a competetive social/scholastic history and an influential family contact won’t do him any harm if he applies elsewhere when the time comes. 1000 times THIS!!! This dad is doing right by his kid. It’s not his fault you’re jealous of who he knows! He’s doing his job as Dad making sure his kid has a bright future. To the OP: try to score some baseball tix, and invite him to a game this summer, so you stay on his radar. At 9 years old, the kid needs to know that his future is important. He can spend his summers “having fun”, but school is his job right now, and he needs to make sure his “last school job” (college) is the best it can be. He can have fun again after he retires. ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/25 "2013-05-08T19:21:08Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > I have two main issues, here : > > 1)You want your kid to get an undeserved advantage over others by using this man’s influence. > > 2)You intend to use someone as a tool by befriending him with the sole intent of benefiting from his influence. You make these sound like _bad_ things?! :dubious: He’s just making sure his son has the best future he can, as any responsible parent would. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/26 "2013-05-08T19:22:20Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > He can have fun again after he retires. Wow, that sounds like a fun life. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/27 "2013-05-08T19:27:02Z")
**LWBR** -I’d agree if this was the 1950’s, and the USA was the dominate economy on Earth. Unfortuantely, that is not the case, and this kid needs to prepare himself for this new reality. This dad is just being honest with his son. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/28 "2013-05-08T19:30:30Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > You make these sound like _bad_ things?! :dubious: He’s just making sure his son has the best future he can, as any responsible parent would. You mean other than [research](http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200411/nation-wimps) that suggests that parents overprotecting, overscheduling, and (specifically) pulling strings for their kids tends to lead to delayed adolescence, anxiety disorders, severe difficulty with decision-making, and other lovely dysfunctions? Yeah, no problem with that. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/29 "2013-05-08T19:36:57Z")
etv78 has interesting long-held grudges against his parents involving his own school career, so take anything he says about the matter w/ that grain of salt. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/30 "2013-05-08T20:26:17Z")
> [@newcrasher](#): > > 1. It’s called cultivating contacts and it is often the way things get done. I wouldn’t expect my son to get in based solely on this man’s influence. But should my son be qualified and this man’s influence could be helpful, what is the harm? > . The harm is done to the kid who is just a bit more qualified than your qualified son, but is passed over thanks to this man’s influence. That’s what you’re hoping, no? That this influence will give your son an edge that other candidates won’t have? ---
**Author:** ![etv78](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d78d45/32.png) [@etv78](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/etv78)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/31 "2013-05-08T20:30:46Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > The harm is done to the kid who is just a bit more qualified than your qualified son, but is passed over thanks to this man’s influence. That’s what you’re hoping, no? That this influence will give your son an edge that other candidates won’t have? Again, WHY should he worry about another kid? His job is to worry about his kid! **Bob** -I agree I have issues with my parents. Dunno how many grains of salt people need. 😉 **FH** -We NEED kids to “worry” about their future! If they don’t worry, they’ll settle for second rate, and nobody should have to settle. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/32 "2013-05-08T20:32:23Z")
Hey, **newcrasher** , ignore all the haters - they just don’t have experience at this level. The person you are referring to in the OP expects to be “used” (folks at that level call it networking) - that is how power and influence is expressed, by using it. Just play it cool, be respectful, don’t become a pest, and you can probably make this work for years to come. Once he gets to know your kid as a person, he’ll likely be more than happy to help mentor him in his own small way. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/33 "2013-05-08T20:34:14Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > The harm is done to the kid who is just a bit more qualified than your qualified son, but is passed over thanks to this man’s influence. That’s what you’re hoping, no? That this influence will give your son an edge that other candidates won’t have? That won’t happen - if anyone loses it’s the guy on the bottom of the list who was on the edge anyway (everyone gets pushed down one spot). ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/34 "2013-05-08T20:38:35Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > You make these sound like _bad_ things?! :dubious: He’s just making sure his son has the best future he can, as any responsible parent would. Absolutely. Both using influence to advance someone less deserving and using a person as a mean towards a self-serving end are morally wrong. Now, I understand that many people have no qualm with doing so, and no qualm with teaching their children such values as “you’ll get ahead, not by your competences but by knowing the right people and feigning friendship with them”. However, obviously, not all “responsible parents” have an “anything goes as long as you can prosper” attitude, otherwise, nobody would receive any moral education. You might find what the OP is hoping to do to be acceptable, but for my part, I put trying to get ahead by using someone’s influence in the same moral category as cheating during your exams or bribery. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/35 "2013-05-08T20:38:45Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Again, WHY should he worry about another kid? His job is to worry about his kid! > **Bob** -I agree I have issues with my parents. Dunno how many grains of salt people need. 😉 > **FH** -We NEED kids to “worry” about their future! If they don’t worry, they’ll settle for second rate, and nobody should have to settle. some people are perfectly happy to take second rate if it means they don’t have to wait until retirement to enjoy life. IMHO, people should chill a bit more about their kids’ future, and let things work out, or not, depending on how things work out down the road. Sooner or later, people learn to get enough done to get a shot at their dreams. There are worst things in life then not getting into your first choice of colleges. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/36 "2013-05-08T20:40:41Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > **FH** -We NEED kids to “worry” about their future! If they don’t worry, they’ll settle for second rate, and nobody should have to settle. Which was partially the point of the article. The thesis is that parental interference - including string-pulling - cripples a child’s ability to understand their own strengths and weaknesses, their ability to cope with difficult tasks, etc., leaving them at a loss when things happen like professors actually expecting you to study or bosses expecting you to meet demanding tasks and deadlines. This results in serious generalized anxiety disorders, not in rather bland “worry about the future.” ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/37 "2013-05-08T20:42:13Z")
> [@etv78](#): > > Again, WHY should he worry about another kid? His job is to worry about his kid! > . Hmmm…because our moral values, generally speaking, go beyond “why should we worry about anybody else than ourselves” (for non-sociopaths, at least)? ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/38 "2013-05-08T21:00:23Z")
I’m just amazed that the US university system has provisions for allowing ‘influence’ to facilitate admissions. How does that work? In Aus, either you get a high enough score in your final high-school year to qualify for admission to a particular course at a particular university, or you don’t. Simply, the more prestigious the study-path (think medicine, law etc) and the more prestigious the university (think Sydney, Melbourne) the higher the score you will need. That’s it. No correspondence will be entered into. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/39 "2013-05-08T21:00:48Z")
I don’t see a problem with cultivating a friendship. He seems like a cool guy. And if it pays off for your son down the road, that’s great! As long as you’re not only associating with this guy because of what you can get out of him later, then just pursue a friendship like you would with anybody else. Don’t let him hang around your kid without you until you know him better. Invite him over for dinner sometime. Evaluate how he interacts with your child. If you don’t get any creepiness vibes, and your child wants to go to the game, then let him. It’s not rocket surgery! ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789/40 "2013-05-08T21:10:12Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > I’m just amazed that the US university system has provisions for allowing ‘influence’ to facilitate admissions. > > How does that work? > :dubious: Admissions officers consider a variety of factors, including test scores, grades, essays, extra curricular activities, and personal references. That last one is where you might want to get a letter from General Powell if he knows you. For the top tier schools, they get more than enough applicants that have the grades and scores to get in. Something like a letter from a US Senator might (or might not) be enough to put you on the short list. > [@](#): > > Harvard turned down 1,100 student applicants with perfect 800 scores on the SAT math exam. Yale rejected several applicants with perfect 2400 scores on the three-part SAT, and Princeton turned away thousands of high school applicants with 4.0 grade point averages. Needless to say, high school valedictorians were a dime a dozen. [cite](http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/04/education/04colleges.html?_r=0) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/met-a-very-influential-person-who-could-help-my-kid-get-into-a-competitive-uni-what-now/657789.md?page=3)