# Middle age and becoming "invisible" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 17, 2013, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176 "2013-03-17T15:45:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/61 "2013-03-19T04:54:34Z")
> [@F.U.Shakespeare](#): > > A typical example: I once walked into a Ruby Tuesday’s restaurant lobby for lunch. The place is not especially busy. The seating hostess is standing at a podium handling the menus. I assume she will greet me when she finishes what she’s doing momentarily. I wait maybe 10 seconds. > > Then, a middle-age woman accompanied by a girl of around 12 walk in and stand next to me in the lobby. The hostess greets her, and asks, “Two?” (IOW, Are there two people in your party?) Although it must be less true of a Ruby Tuesday’s than at a fine dining restaurant, just showing up without a date or a party most likely added to your invisibility. I suppose they don’t expect customers to show up alone. > [@](#): > > I have wracked my brain trying to remember if I was less than cognizant of middle-age and older people when I was a kid. My parents were much older than usual (mom and dad were 42 and 66 when I was born, respectively), so I may have thought of older people differently than most kids do. Interesting question! I’m in my mid fifties myself, but looking back at my student days, and then at least my first ten years in the working world, it strikes me that almost everyone around me was in my general age demographic. Besides the obvious example of parents, teachers, professors, and bosses almost always fit into that older demographic as well. In other words, the situation doesn’t come up that often for young people. As for being invisible… Well, for a start, at the office where I work I can be sitting at my desk all day and the others totally ignore me. At home, even though we are in the same room, my wife does not speak to me for hours, people pass me by in the street without a glance in my direction, and I can walk into a room without… ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/62 "2013-03-19T04:55:48Z")
Even now you yourself, you do hardly notice me… ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/63 "2013-03-19T05:01:53Z")
> [@deltasigma](#): > > Exactly. Whether you realize it or not, wearing “age appropriate” clothing is the same as putting on a uniform - you may as well be wearing a [ghillie suit](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghillie_suit). Does anyone besides me wonder why, as the article says, they felt the need for camouflage when fly-fishing? ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/64 "2013-03-19T09:51:04Z")
> [@](#): > > Although it must be less true of a Ruby Tuesday’s than at a fine dining restaurant, just showing up without a date or a party most likely added to your invisibility. I suppose they don’t expect customers to show up alone. I think that part of this is body language, too. When I walk into a restaurant, intending to eat with only my book for company, I look straight at the host/hostess. If I’m meeting someone, though, I will look around, to see if my companion is waiting or is perhaps already seated, and I’m not trying to catch the host’s eye. ---
**Author:** ![Rala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Rala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rala)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/65 "2013-03-19T10:48:06Z")
> [@Balance](#): > > On a more serious note, there may be more to it than people simply ignoring you. Some of the examples seem to be cases when the oblivious individual truly did not see a person standing in plain sight. It’s a phenomenon I’m familiar with; I have been overlooked more than once by friends who were actively looking for me, despite the fact that I was standing in plain sight and close at hand. (This sort of thing has happened to me fairly often for most of my life, so it’s not just encroaching middle age ninjosity. :p) > > There has to be some factor that makes certain people unobtrusive. I’m reminded of a point in one of Larry Niven’s short stories: the protagonist could identify people who were very old, but retained a youthful appearance due to a life-extending drug, by the way they moved. Their movements tended to be smooth and purposeful. Economical. They knew where they were going and what they were going to do before they started, so there was no hesitation or wasted motion. > > Perhaps some people hold themselves more still as they age. They fidget and shift around less. Motion catches the eye, so if you don’t move much, you may get overlooked in favor of people or things that are moving. Interesting! I’m familiar with the apparent invisibility phenomenon too, despite still being young. Last week, I had to give a group presentation for one of my classes. I showed up five minutes early and went over to stand with my group mates, waiting until it was time to start. A minute or so after I arrived, one of my group mates asked another “Have you heard from **Rala**? Is she on her way?”. I was standing right next to them, but he seemed genuinely surprised when I said “I’m here”. This sort of thing happens to me a fair bit. It reminds me of a bit from a Terry Pratchett book: > [@](#): > > She sat silently in her rocking chair. Some people are good at talking, but Granny Weatherwax was good at silence. She could sit so quiet and still that she faded. You forgot she was there. The room became empty. > Tiffany thought of it as the I’m-not-here spell, if it was a spell. She reasoned that everyone had something inside them that told the world they were there. That was why you could often sense when someone was behind you, even if they were making no sound at all. You were receiving their I-am-here signal. > Some people had a very strong one. They were the people who got served first in shops. Granny Weatherwax had an I-am-here signal that bounced off the mountains when she wanted it to; when she walked into a forest, all the wolves and bears ran out the other side. She could turn it off, too. She was doing that now. Tiffany was having to concentrate to see her. Most of her mind was telling her that there was no one there at all. I think that I’ve always had a subtle I-am-here signal, and I can turn it off too. Comes in handy when I really don’t want to be noticed for some reason. Still body language could be part of that, like **Balance** suggests. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Gadai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@An\_Gadai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Gadai)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/66 "2013-03-19T11:01:01Z")
I’m 31 and tall and wide and feel the same as the OP. It’s quite liberating in a way since I typically walk around naked. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/67 "2013-03-19T12:45:29Z")
> [@deltasigma](#): > > Exactly. Whether you realize it or not, wearing “age appropriate” clothing is the same as putting on a uniform - you may as well be wearing a [ghillie suit](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghillie_suit). > > However you don’t have to go to the opposite extreme and look ridiculous (not that Hawaiian shirts are ridiculous - trying to keep an open mind here). You just have to bust out of the stereotype of what a middle-aged suburban man looks and dresses like. I have to agree with this. I would bet if you looked at dressed and carried yourself like George Clooney or Matt Damon, you would get more attention. But a typical paunchy, balding, middle-aged man quietly standing there in his Dockers, a faded old dress shirt and a web leather belt from 1992 is probably going to just fade into the background. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/68 "2013-03-19T14:24:00Z")
I think it’s partly when you were young, hot and rocking the latest style hair and fashions, your pride in yourself and confidence in your appearance is absolutely projected in your energy. By your mid fifties, your hair may be greying or disappearing. There could be a slight paunch. Chances are you dress for comfort over the latest cutting edge style. You have lost some of the confidence in appearance, that you once had. You begin to feel less comfortable drawing attention to your body as it may be wrinkled, or ‘less than ideal’ as when you were younger. You dress to disguise what you perceive as flaws. Judging yourself ‘less than’ the youthful ideal zaps your confidence and that is what’s making the energy you put out, so different, I think! Whereas as young people, we unconsciously adopt styles that draw attention to ourselves, as middled agers, we have moved on from that place. I feel it’s a totally natural transition, a function of the maturity of no longer so desperately needing to draw attention to ourselves, so we will feel alive. If you have ever sought to not draw any attention to yourself, you’re aware of all the body language etc. It almost seems by middle age some people have unknowingly accepted that as a default energy to put out to the world, daily. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/69 "2013-03-19T14:30:17Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > I think it’s partly when you were young, hot and rocking the latest style hair and fashions, your pride in yourself and confidence in your appearance is absolutely projected in your energy. > > By your mid fifties, your hair may be greying or disappearing. There could be a slight paunch. Chances are you dress for comfort over the latest cutting edge style. You have lost some of the confidence in appearance, that you once had. You begin to feel less comfortable drawing attention to your body as it may be wrinkled, or ‘less than ideal’ as when you were younger. You dress to disguise what you perceive as flaws. Judging yourself ‘less than’ the youthful ideal zaps your confidence and that is what’s making the energy you put out, so different, I think! Although my hair may be greying or disappearing, and I\* could\* have a slight paunch, I assure you I am more confident in my appearance than when I was rock solid and full haired. ---
**Author:** ![Colophon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f05b48/32.png) [@Colophon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colophon)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/70 "2013-03-19T15:02:48Z")
I just turned 36 on Sunday. I am no longer in even the most generous “young” demographic. So far, I’m still visible, but I’ll let you know if ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/71 "2013-03-19T15:31:24Z")
The first time I heard of this phenomenon was 30+ years ago, when a friend’s mother complained she couldn’t get a salesclerk to even acknowledge her while shopping at Neiman-Marcus. In the smugness of my youth, I suggested she wear a sign saying “I wouldn’t be shopping here if I couldn’t afford it.” Now that I’m at that stage myself, I realize that it wouldn’t make any difference if I came in wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. ---
**Author:** ![Lucretia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/13edae/32.png) [@Lucretia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucretia)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/72 "2013-03-19T18:56:26Z")
I’ve been growing my hair since my early 20’s, for a very long time simply out of laziness, but now I realize it serves a very useful function…people _see_ me. Seriously, my hair buys me attention on the “minor celebrity” level, and now I wouldn’t get rid of it at gunpoint. ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/73 "2013-03-19T18:58:47Z")
… At parties for instance people never come up to me, I just sit there and everybody totally… ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2013, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/74 "2013-03-19T19:56:26Z")
I’ve been more or less invisible ever since I gave up on fashion at age 16. I call it my personal Somebody Else’s Problem field. I rather like it, as my goal is to get through the day with as little hassle as possible, and people don’t hassle someone they don’t notice. ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2013, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/75 "2013-03-20T00:20:32Z")
> [@shiftless](#): > > …Bars are the worst. No bartender can see me except for dark, seedy places. Second worse is department stores. I don’t even bother going in highend department stores because the sales people can almost walk right through me without noticing. This reminds me of the first role I saw Michael Richards in. He was on “Night Court” as a defendant who’d tried to burgle some place in broad daylight, thinking he could get away with it because he was “invisible.” “You’re invisible - since when?” “It was gradual, your Honor - at first only cabbies and store clerks couldn’t see me…” ---
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/76 "2013-03-21T00:36:13Z")
> [@F.U.Shakespeare](#): > > In one of his ‘Dilbert’ books, Scott Adams asserted that when out in public, a middle-aged white male of average height or below is basically invisible, especially to younger people. (I believe he went on to describe how this helped him by allowing him to observe people for his writing). > > I’m 5’7", but I was younger than middle age when I read this, and I didn’t give it much thought. But I’m 53 now, and I’m beginning to wonder if there’s something to it. > > By invisible, I don’t mean, “Pretty girls don’t smile at me”. I mean, _young people sometimes don’t notice me when I’m standing right in front of them._ With young girls, either you don’t have money or don’t make it look like you have money. With young men, when you don’t look dangerous enough. I can make a group of raccous college boys shut up just by looking in their direction (no hard eye-to-eye contact.) ---
**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/77 "2013-03-21T14:08:57Z")
This thread has jogged my memory-years ago, Don Imus was talking about a similar experience he had…while in a stuffy, chic NYC boutique. He was checking out some mens coats (pricetags \>$2000), and the sales clerk was ignoring him (as Imus said…“probably because I was dressed like a homeless person”. Anyway, Imus got a little peeved, and told the clerk, something like"I cold buy this dump today if I wanted to"…and stormed out in a huff! ---
**Author:** ![Ms.Pumpkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a87d85/32.png) [@Ms.Pumpkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms.Pumpkin)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/78 "2013-03-21T14:20:38Z")
FWIW, I’m 31 and I’ve always been invisible. But I’ve had friends tell me I give off a certain “leave me the hell alone” vibe, so it’s probably my own fault. ---
**Author:** ![ptr2void](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ptr2void/32/3406_2.png) [@ptr2void](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ptr2void)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/79 "2013-03-21T21:12:49Z")
Two fresh examples since my last post: 1. Told my wife I was going to get a haircut Monday evening. Went to the grocery, got the haircut, came home and watched TV with her for two hours. No comment. Next day, she says “Take off your hat; you never showed me your haircut.” “I was laying next to you on the bed for two hours with this haircut – without a hat – last night” “Well, I don’t look at you”. 2. In line at Dunkin’ Donuts for the aforementioned wife’s iced coffee just a couple of hours ago. Young girl cuts right in front of me in line and engages the cashier in questions about whether they were hiring, can she get an application, is the manager or assistant manager in. Goes on for a couple of minutes. Similarly-aged lady (to me) waited on just prior to this actually noticed and looked at me, shaking her head. So I’m only partly invisible I guess. Maybe I should put the rest of the weight I lost back on; it’ll be harder to miss me. ---
**Author:** ![Aquadementia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aquadementia/32/555_2.png) [@Aquadementia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aquadementia)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176/80 "2013-03-21T21:59:03Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > :dubious: Cite? I think there is a theory relating pheromones to testosterone levels, but we would still be talking about pheromones, which are dubious. I might have been more guarded about saying that, but it was already between a comment about old man smell and a Simpsons reference. But seeing if a lack of smell makes people invisible sounds like a good experiment for someone trying to win an Ig Nobel prize. > [@ptr2void](#): > > 1. In line at Dunkin’ Donuts for the aforementioned wife’s iced coffee just a couple of hours ago. Young girl cuts right in front of me in line and engages the cashier in questions about whether they were hiring, can she get an application, is the manager or assistant manager in. Goes on for a couple of minutes. Similarly-aged lady (to me) waited on just prior to this actually noticed and looked at me, shaking her head. So I’m only partly invisible I guess. Maybe I should put the rest of the weight I lost back on; it’ll be harder to miss me. If she’s hired you’ll never taste a donut again. Good luck trying to gain that weight back. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/middle-age-and-becoming-invisible/653176.md?page=5)