# Mild Pitting - posters asking for advice and then ignoring it
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [November 27, 2008, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735 "2008-11-27T20:10:00Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)
#### Post date: [November 27, 2008, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/1 "2008-11-27T20:10:00Z")
The latest, greatest example of this - [in this thread, Freejooky asks for advice about dating a high schooler (she’s 16, he’s 27).](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=494614) After many, many responses, **Freejooky** comes back with,
> [@](#):
>
> So, an update, and then I’m pretty much done talking about this for fear of putting too much personal info out there…I had dinner with her family today, and they were totally laid-back about the whole thing. I didn’t really announce my “intentions” as much as just get to know them as their daughter’s guest, and by the end of the night I think we all felt totally comfortable with each other and her mother tacitly let me know that they felt fine with me taking their daughter out and that they trusted me. They’re on the more eccentric end of the Mensa spectrum, just straight out of The Royal Tenenbaums or Salinger’s Glass Family stories, so I can tell that they’re just being totally open-minded about the whole thing. Thank God for Mensa - any other parents would have probably already written me off as a creep, but they were already suggesting a great sushi place for me to take their daughter.
>
> I’m picking her up from school tomorrow (half-day…nice!) and we’re going to get lunch and check out new comics. One day at a time!
(Post #144.)
You post a thread asking us about dating a 16 year old, and while we’re answering, you start dating a 16 year old, then come back and tell us, “Thanks for the responses! I’m going to do as I please regardless.” You know what else would accomplish that? Not bothering to ask us what we thought in the first place. Of course you don’t have to listen to us; we’re just anonymous internet people. Surprisingly enough, though, if 50 anonymous internet people tell you something is a bad idea, it’s probably a bad idea. One favour you can do for us - come back and complain when things go badly. Then we can have an extremely satisfying round of “I told you so!” Unless you’re in jail; we’ll understand then.
I’m not hoping to change anyone’s mind or accomplish anything here; I just wanted to express my frustration at posters doing this. **Freejooky** is by no means the first, and I’m sure he won’t be the last.
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### Author:  [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)
#### Post date: [November 27, 2008, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/2 "2008-11-27T20:24:19Z")
I think he was more bragging than asking.😛
But yeah, we get that a lot here. But the very worst for that sort of thing is the eBay boards, where a OP will come in, ask a question (“Should I leave Negative Feedback?”) then they get 12 NO! answers, a couple “whatever you want” and a nutjob saying “NEG THEM ALL!!!”. So they take the nutjobs advice. Worse is when they start the thread and they go back and leave the NEG (or refund or ship or whatever) before they even get a answer.:eek:
I am not too sure why dudes do this.
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### Author:  [@Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rube_E.Tewesday)
#### Post date: [November 27, 2008, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/3 "2008-11-27T20:27:16Z")
> [@DrDeth](#):
>
> I think he was more bragging than asking.😛
Yeah, that one seemed exactly like the joke about the old man who runs into the confessional:
“Father, I just had sex with a teenage girl!”
“How long has it been since your last confession?”
“I’ve never been to confession, I’m Jewish.”
“Then why are you telling me this?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
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### Author:  [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)
#### Post date: [November 27, 2008, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/4 "2008-11-27T20:33:04Z")
I don’t lose sleep over it.
The same thing happens to me at work all day long.
Most people asking for advice want either support for what they are already doing, or a softer, easier way to achieve their goals.
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### Author:  [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)
#### Post date: [November 27, 2008, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/5 "2008-11-27T20:36:53Z")
> [@Rube\_E.Tewesday](#):
>
> Yeah, that one seemed exactly like the joke about the old man who runs into the confessional:
>
> “Father, I just had sex with a teenage girl!”
>
> “How long has it been since your last confession?”
>
> “I’ve never been to confession, I’m Jewish.”
>
> “Then why are you telling me this?”
>
> “I’m telling everybody!”
I admit that I laughed. 20 years ago I would have said no big deal, what is funny about that? It sucks getting old.
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### Author:  [@straight\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/straight_man)
#### Post date: [November 27, 2008, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/6 "2008-11-27T21:21:56Z")
It’s just people being people. Actually, I don’t think this is a particularly bad case, since there was little consensus beyond “be very, very careful”, and **Freejooky** may well take _that_ advice. Of course, he didn’t check in (that we know of) before making his decision, but hey, who cares? This is just an quasi-anonymous message board, not a symposium of great people or a posse of his nearest and dearest.
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### Author:  [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)
#### Post date: [November 27, 2008, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/7 "2008-11-27T22:05:56Z")
Sometimes I will solicit advice on a message board or from someone I am personally close to, (more often the latter) and then go ahead and ignore it. The reason isn’t because I don’t value others’ perspectives - I very much do, and that’s why I ask for them in the first place. But in the end nobody can know/see a situation that affects you with the same eyes you do.
Taking advice from others is kinda like the leftover Thanksgiving turkey - you may end up eating some of it, all of it, or none of it, but it’s good to know you have the option and you’re not gonna starve.
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### Author:  [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)
#### Post date: [November 27, 2008, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/8 "2008-11-27T22:10:03Z")
In that case it wasn’t so much ignoring the advice as having already decided what to do. Why ask in that situation?
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### Author:  [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)
#### Post date: [November 27, 2008, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/9 "2008-11-27T22:25:12Z")
It does seem like a lot of advice threads are from folks who’ve made up their minds and are looking for support, or justification, or help with rationalizing something they’re skeevy about.
What bugs me more is the ones where the poster doesn’t return to share what happened. I’m **still** curious about the guy who was gonna tell his friend that his wife was cheating.
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### Author:  [@Sofis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofis)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2008, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/10 "2008-11-28T00:04:29Z")
Because, of course, one should always follow advice given by random strangers on the internet.
**Freejooky** gets to make decisions regarding his life, not you. He solicited opinions from several sources, including the girl’s parents. Given that those opposed to the relationship included a fair number of people hysterically accusing him of being a would-be child molester (for which there aren’t enough :rolleyes: in the world), I’m not surprised if he found this view unconvincing.
Frankly, I don’t think much of anyone is upset because he didn’t follow advice or made up his mind before asking (which you know how?). You’re upset because he’s doing something you think is immoral. You have the right to think that, but he has the right to disagree. And you have the right to whine about it. A right you are utilizing; good on you.
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### Author:  [@Junior\_Spaceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Junior_Spaceman)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2008, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/11 "2008-11-28T00:08:59Z")
I basically agree with Sofis.
Also, isn’t the point of a message board to have discussions? And if the discussion interests enough people, then it’s worth having.
So the number of people who are actually impacted by whether some random guy dates some random girl might be two, or five, or 12 or whatever, but thousands of us get to read something. If the question doesn’t interest anyone, it dies. Where’s the problem?
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### Author:  [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2008, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/12 "2008-11-28T00:18:06Z")
> [@DrDeth](#):
>
> I am not too sure why dudes do this.
Not just dudes on this board: my impression is quite to the contrary. How many OPs have we had that started out with “I’m cheating on my husband but I’m finally happy in my life, tee hee, am I a bad girl?” or “He cheated on me but since he got out of prison he says he’s changed himself, should I go ahead and have his baby?” or something like that. And fifty posts later she seizes on the one post that says “don’t listen to all the h8ters, you go girl!” and dismisses all the others.
Well, I recall at least one or two on this board and far, far more in real life experience.
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### Author:  [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2008, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/13 "2008-11-28T00:26:40Z")
I’m not convinced there is any 16 year old girl interested in him. The guy started a troll thread, got a predictable response, came back and said “neener, neener”.
Of course, if he gets sent to “Pound Me in the Ass State Pen”, I shall laugh long and loud at him.
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### Author:  [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2008, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/14 "2008-11-28T00:28:48Z")
> [@Sofis](#):
>
> Because, of course, one should always follow advice given by random strangers on the internet.
>
> . . .
> Frankly, I don’t think much of anyone is upset because he didn’t follow advice or made up his mind before asking (which you know how?). You’re upset because he’s doing something you think is immoral. You have the right to think that, but he has the right to disagree. And you have the right to whine about it. A right you are utilizing; good on you.
Agree up to a point, but one of the things I like about the SDMB is the sense of community. There are many people here who’ve posted parenting issues (like myself), genuine relationship questions or have sought support through unemployment or serious illness. I’m grateful for the information and support I’ve gotten here–most of all for the fact that much of isn’t blind “follow your bliss” stuff but real advice and information, sometimes contrary to what one would prefer to hear.
So I can understand the annoyance when some poster enters this community with ostensibly similar issues or questions but then pisses on the same spirit and support that others have been grateful for.
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### Author:  [@Sofis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofis)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2008, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/15 "2008-11-28T00:38:19Z")
> [@Koxinga](#):
>
> Agree up to a point, but one of the things I like about the SDMB is the sense of community. There are many people here who’ve posted parenting issues (like myself), genuine relationship questions or have sought support through unemployment or serious illness. I’m grateful for the information and support I’ve gotten here–most of all for the fact that much of isn’t blind “follow your bliss” stuff but real advice and information, sometimes contrary to what one would prefer to hear.
>
> So I can understand the annoyance when some poster enters this community with ostensibly similar issues or questions but then pisses on the same spirit and support that others have been grateful for.
But how did he piss on anything?
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### Author:  [@Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2008, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/16 "2008-11-28T00:42:15Z")
> [@Koxinga](#):
>
> Agree up to a point, but one of the things I like about the SDMB is the sense of community. There are many people here who’ve posted parenting issues (like myself), genuine relationship questions or have sought support through unemployment or serious illness. I’m grateful for the information and support I’ve gotten here–most of all for the fact that much of isn’t blind “follow your bliss” stuff but real advice and information, sometimes contrary to what one would prefer to hear.
>
> So I can understand the annoyance when some poster enters this community with ostensibly similar issues or questions but then pisses on the same spirit and support that others have been grateful for.
You’re still taking it too personally. It’s his life to fuck up as he sees fit. Advice should always be given in good faith but with no particular expectation that it will be followed.
If someone solicits advice in bad faith, walk away. There’s always someone else needing help, even if its deciding which tie to wear with which shirt. 😛
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### Author:  [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2008, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/17 "2008-11-28T00:54:14Z")
Come on, haven’t you ever had a real-life acquaintence who came up to you and said “Sofis/Jeff, I can’t figure out what to do, what do you think?” and then blows you off? Don’t know about you, but I find that kind of thing at least mildly annoying, and often causes me to lower my estimation of that person. What would really chap my hide never happens in real life but only on this message board: a person who comes to you (your community) for and then _pointedly_ ignores you even as you’re talking.
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### Author:  [@Sofis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofis)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2008, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/18 "2008-11-28T01:10:30Z")
> [@Koxinga](#):
>
> Come on, haven’t you ever had a real-life acquaintence who came up to you and said “Sofis/Jeff, I can’t figure out what to do, what do you think?” and then blows you off? Don’t know about you, but I find that kind of thing at least mildly annoying, and often causes me to lower my estimation of that person. What would really chap my hide never happens in real life but only on this message board: a person who comes to you (your community) for and then _pointedly_ ignores you even as you’re talking.
Not really, no. Certainly there have been cases where my advice was, ultimately, not taken, but that’s fine since it’s advice rather than binding orders (and I sure as hell wouldn’t want my advice to be interpreted as orders - I do not want that kind of responsibility for other people’s actions).
I assume by “blowing you off” you mean something beyond merely not taking the advice, but I’m not sure exactly what, and I’m not seeing how **Freejooky** did anything of the sort. Could you give an example of some manner in which he could have made and posted his decision to go ahead with the relationship that you wouldn’t consider blowing people off?
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### Author:  [@A.I.Wintermute](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A.I.Wintermute)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2008, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/19 "2008-11-28T01:12:49Z")
> [@Koxinga](#):
>
> Come on, haven’t you ever had a real-life acquaintence who came up to you and said “Sofis/Jeff, I can’t figure out what to do, what do you think?” and then blows you off? Don’t know about you, but I find that kind of thing at least mildly annoying, and often causes me to lower my estimation of that person. What would really chap my hide never happens in real life but only on this message board: a person who comes to you (your community) for and then _pointedly_ ignores you even as you’re talking.
It seems to me you just have a different set of expectations of being solicited for advice. If a friend asks you for advice, you seem to have some expectation that the friend is on the tipping point of a decision and you expect your advice (should you have a strong opinion) will be the decisive factor. I can see how you would interpret someone asking for advice and then not following it as being blown off, but I agree with **Sofis** and **Jeff** that for giving advice on the internet one might take a lower-key stance.
If someone is considering a tough decision, I’d think the most prudent course of action would be to consult multiple sources for advice. I’d want to hear different perspectives and try above all to ensure I’ve considered all the pros and cons. But if I do that, whichever my eventual decision, I’ll be “ignoring” some of the advice I got.
I expect **Freejooky** was strongly inclined to go ahead with this girl when he started the thread, but that was obvious from the outset. Perhaps he was really just looking for any compelling reasons to stay away that he hadn’t already weighed, and he didn’t see any. That’s OK too, isn’t it? It’s only bothersome to me if there were literally no response that could have made him change his mind, and there’s no way for us to know that. Feel free to withhold your advice from him in the future but I think he did nothing wrong.
P.S.: Hi Sofis, former GL poster/lurker here!
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### Author:  [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)
#### Post date: [November 28, 2008, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mild-pitting-posters-asking-for-advice-and-then-ignoring-it/474735/20 "2008-11-28T01:13:47Z")
I would rather someone ignore my advice than sneer at it, and it seems there have been way too many of the sneering OPs recently
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