# Minion Community College **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 10, 2005, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873 "2005-03-10T18:38:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/1 "2005-03-10T18:38:22Z")
Inspired by [the Mad Scientist Curriculum](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=304591&page=1&pp=50), and bolstered by this sort of discussion in [this week’s MMP](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=305764&page=4): > [@Theodore Striker](#): > > You see, this henchman business is an all or nothing proposition. If you fail too dramatically, you can never go back to being a common lackey, you are kicked out of the family entirely, with a possibility that you will be replaced. However, you cannot have your own underlings until they have grown up a bit, and even then, they have to be carefully groomed by assigning minor tasks like letting the dog in and out. Being a henchman can be a daunting balancing act that takes years of practice and devotion to even begin to master, and is not for the faint of heart, or slow of mind. I thought it might be a good idea to develop a lower level curriculum for the aspiring lackey, minion, henchman or even sidekick. So, what sorts of courses will we need to provide the next generation of minions the proper training? ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/2 "2005-03-10T18:50:58Z")
I’m not good at coming up with labels, but I do have some ideas. - An introductory course is needed to define the duties and responsibilities of henchmen vs. lackey vs. minions. They’re not all the same. - Care and feeding of your Fearless Leader. - Basic Equipment required, and where to acquire it all. - Anticipating Fearless Leader’s Needs versus Wasting Time and Resources. ---
**Author:** ![Taters](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/taters/32/2845_2.png) [@Taters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taters)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/3 "2005-03-10T18:51:06Z")
Taking Orders and Carrying them Out 101 Bowing and Scraping to your Superior 101 through Upper Level The Boss is Right all the Time 101 through Upper Level ---
**Author:** ![Lobsang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobsang/32/4067_2.png) [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/4 "2005-03-10T18:52:54Z")
- Standing behind bigger minions while shaking the fist. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/5 "2005-03-10T19:02:56Z")
I like to think that naked thread-running is a useful thing to know… ---
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/6 "2005-03-10T19:16:35Z")
Sould a henchman wear his hench on the right or the left? And what about henchwomen? We gotta have henchwomen so’s we can have henchchildren. Won’t someone think about the henchchildren? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/7 "2005-03-10T19:19:25Z")
I think we’ll have to pay special attention to the outplacement service. Getting the wrong henchman associated with the wrong Master is just a disaster waiting to happen. ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/8 "2005-03-10T20:36:05Z")
> [@ShibbOleth](#): > > I think we’ll have to pay special attention to the outplacement service. Getting the wrong henchman associated with the wrong Master is just a disaster waiting to happen. Sure, hiring can be a problem. But firing is easy. Just use a big enough cannon. ---
**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/9 "2005-03-10T20:42:45Z")
> [@Sean Factotum](#): > > I’m not good at coming up with labels, but I do have some ideas. > > - An introductory course is needed to define the duties and responsibilities of henchmen vs. lackey vs. minions. They’re not all the same. > - Care and feeding of your Fearless Leader. > - Basic Equipment required, and where to acquire it all. > - Anticipating Fearless Leader’s Needs versus Wasting Time and Resources. - Hunchback procedures - “Eye-gore” or “Igor”, which is right for you? ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/10 "2005-03-10T20:57:37Z")
So, first semester course load might look something like this: - Obeisance - Basic Reanimation Assistance - Intro to Torture & Restraints - Grovelling: Keep fed and keep the Master happy Is that enough, or should I add a couple of courses? ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/11 "2005-03-10T21:40:21Z")
How 'bout: **Basic Henchman Grooming** –How to look imposing, while still looking less imposing than your master. **Basic Weapons Training** –Every henchman needs to know how to weild a weapon of only for self-defence. In this course you will learn how to use pistols, rifles, and swords/knives. “Soldier-type” henchmen are recomended to take: **Advanced Weapons Training** , and one of the following **Fire-arm Mastery** , **Melee-weapon Mastery** , or **Futuristic Weapon Mastery** B]Advanced Weapons Training\*\*–In this course you will advance you’re proficiency with weapons from **Basic Weapons Training** , and be introduced to futuristic weapons, such as lasers, lighsabers, and deathrays. **Fire-arm Mastery** –In this course you will perfect you’re use of you’re choise of various types of pistols, rifles, automatic weapons, etc. **Melee-weapon Mastery** –In this course you will perfect you’re use of you’re choise of various types of swords, axes, flails, knives, etc. **Futuristic Weapon Mastery** –In this course you will perfect you’re use of you’re choise of various types of lasers, lightsabers, and deathrays. **Basic Magic** –This course covers how to use basic attack spells such as fireballs, and lightning. ---
**Author:** ![Theodore\_Striker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Theodore\_Striker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Theodore_Striker)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/12 "2005-03-10T21:40:24Z")
**Shibb** - How can the first semester not include some sort of massage basics? And what about the Master? You have to prepare them to take control of the underling and groom them. There is much manipulation to be done, ya know! **Sean-** You’ve been around here long enough to know that cannon really isn’t an appropriate disposal method. Some suggestions include trebuchet, robot of death, and of course 1920’s style death ray. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/13 "2005-03-10T21:48:35Z")
> [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#): > > **Basic Weapons Training** –Every henchman needs to know how to weild a weapon of only for self-defence. In this course you will learn how to use pistols, rifles, and swords/knives. “Soldier-type” henchmen are recomended to take: **Advanced Weapons Training** , and one of the following **Fire-arm Mastery** , **Melee-weapon Mastery** , or **Futuristic Weapon Mastery** > B]Advanced Weapons Training\*\*–In this course you will advance you’re proficiency with weapons from **Basic Weapons Training** , and be introduced to futuristic weapons, such as lasers, lighsabers, and deathrays. > **Fire-arm Mastery** –In this course you will perfect you’re use of you’re choise of various types of pistols, rifles, automatic weapons, etc. > **Melee-weapon Mastery** –In this course you will perfect you’re use of you’re choise of various types of swords, axes, flails, knives, etc. > **Futuristic Weapon Mastery** –In this course you will perfect you’re use of you’re choise of various types of lasers, lightsabers, and deathrays. It’s probably an advanced course, but there needs to be someplace where you teach them the skill of whooping @$$ on everyone _except_ for the hero, who some how manages to defeat you. ---
**Author:** ![Lightnin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightnin/32/180_2.png) [@Lightnin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightnin)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/14 "2005-03-10T21:52:36Z")
Timing is Everything, or How to Wait For Your Turn in a Brawl. It’s a poorly trained group of minions that attack the hero _en masse_. Remember- a good minion waits his turn. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2005, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/15 "2005-03-10T23:05:00Z")
Seems to me that some aspect of recruitment (sure, make henchbabies, but these things take time to develop) should be involved. Perhaps a Public Relations, Marketing-type deal? After all, it’s one thing to control a vast empire, but it’s another thing not to run it into the ground. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/16 "2005-03-11T00:19:45Z")
> [@iampunha](#): > > Seems to me that some aspect of recruitment (sure, make henchbabies, but these things take time to develop) should be involved. Perhaps a Public Relations, Marketing-type deal? After all, it’s one thing to control a vast empire, but it’s another thing not to run it into the ground. Have you ever seen _Blazing Saddles_? ---
**Author:** ![Theodore\_Striker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Theodore\_Striker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Theodore_Striker)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/17 "2005-03-11T00:48:38Z")
We really need to define the parameters of each position, as well as their context, because there is a distinct difference between being the henchman to one’s sig. other, and being a henchman to a crazed madman hellbent on world domination. But with that in mind, we could go all University with it, and have a college for each particular context, with degree programs within each. After viewing some of the replies here, there are some people that frighten me. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/18 "2005-03-11T01:11:11Z")
How to grow a Hunch 101 How to develop your Hunch into a grotesque deformity with exercise 201 Grave Robbing 101: This Is Your Shovel Grave Robbing 102: Crawling Out Of A Grave After Falling In. Grave Robbing 103: Not Falling Into Graves. Grave Robbing 201: Cracking Open Tombs Grave Robbing 301: DON’T PULL OUT THAT STAKE (no grade, pass/fail) ---
**Author:** ![Jennshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Jennshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennshark)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/19 "2005-03-11T01:16:03Z")
Don’t forget the social safety nets! ACC 321: Retiring Well with Minion-mum Investments ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2005, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873/20 "2005-03-11T12:28:09Z")
> [@Jennshark](#): > > Don’t forget the social safety nets! > > ACC 321: Retiring Well with Minion-mum Investments I’m trying to figure out whether to groan or smile on this one. I think maybe both. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minion-community-college/293873.md?page=2)