# Minor Pitting of Mother-In-Law **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 22, 2011, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082 "2011-12-22T15:28:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/1 "2011-12-22T15:28:15Z")
Can’t share this on FB so I share it here… MIL is visiting over Christmas Break. We have a small house. We’re not prone to spend a lot of money on food. My wife is twice-pregnant and not really apt for getting around and doing things much right now. We have two small children. House is CROWDED. We try to keep things SIMPLE. The following dialogue occured: MIL: What are we doing for Christmas dinner? Me: Well, we were pretty busy on Thanksgiving and just bought a turkey dinner from Bob Evans, and it was actually pretty good and was only twenty bucks–just a turkey alone from the grocery store is almost that much–so we were probably going to do that. MIL: Oh, well, I’m happy to cook Christmas Dinner if you like. Me: Hmm. [Thinking: Really REALLY don’t want to deal with the cleanup, the chaos surrounding the cooking, etc etc. But she seems to have some emotional investment in this…] I’ll… talk to [my wife/her daughter] about it. MIL: Do you guys like stuffing? Me: Yes, but let me talk to wife/daughter about it. MIL: [Gets out cookbook, starts writing down a list] Me: Making a list? MIL: Yes. Do you like salad? [Continues list] Me: [After the considerably long list of ingredients for a complete dinner is finished.] So… I guess we’ll go to the store in a while. We were only planning on spending $20… do you think you can pitch in for anything over that? MIL: [winces, looks down, draws out her words in a long high pitched whine]… I guess??.. It’s that last but that get’s a minor fuck you from me. This was her damn idea. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/2 "2011-12-22T15:34:56Z")
And you just know that though she volunteered to make it, if we actually let her do all the making, this would not be to her liking. And goddamnit the cleanup. With me being the only one really able to do substantial housework for the next several months this is going to be a disaster. Not that I’m no good at it but it’s just too much for one person. (Not specifically the after-christmas-dinner cleanup, but just all the housekeeping in general, which this just adds a ton to for a day.) (Also, housework enrages me, but that’s my problem, not MIL’s.) Don’t fking volunteer for things you don’t actually intend to carry out voluntarily. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/3 "2011-12-22T15:37:28Z")
I think your MILK should have been more sensitive to the fact that you only had $20 to spend on a holiday dinner for 6 people since staying at your place would have clued her in to your financial straits. Other than that, I think she thought she was being helpful in making a home-cooked old-fashioned holiday dinner. ---
**Author:** ![Bloodless\_Turnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@Bloodless\_Turnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bloodless_Turnip)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/4 "2011-12-22T15:37:38Z")
No is a complete sentence 🙂 Just tell her no. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/5 "2011-12-22T15:44:20Z")
Open your mouth and tell her the damn truth! " I love the sounds of your idea, but it’s just not going to work for us. This year, we’ll have to do it my way, sorry. But I promise in the future, (perhaps when circumstances are less stressful, y’know?), I’d love to take you up on that offer." Then gently, direct her energies to helping you with the damn housework, which, it sounds like, you could really use. She’s looking for a way to help, give her one! ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/6 "2011-12-22T15:51:20Z")
This is a characteristic pattern in my wife’s family–both sides of it, in fact. They express their love by obligating each other. Sounds weird I know but it’s the truth. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/7 "2011-12-22T15:57:59Z")
OT, but I must know. What’s twice-pregnant? Are you expecting twins? ---
**Author:** ![grayhairedmomma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/47e85d/32.png) [@grayhairedmomma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grayhairedmomma)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/8 "2011-12-22T16:03:40Z")
You got a four-person, full turkey dinner from Bob Evans for $20? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/9 "2011-12-22T16:07:03Z")
> [@grayhairedmomma](#): > > You got a four-person, full turkey dinner from Bob Evans for $20? Yes–Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green beans with bacon, cranberry sauce, and rolls. Twenty dollars plus tax. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/10 "2011-12-22T16:10:44Z")
[ol] [li]Take her to the grocery store.[/li][li]When you are about a third of the way finished shopping, tell her you need to run to the car for your wallet.[/li][li]Drive home.[/li][li]Load wife and kids in car for a “surprise adventure”.[/li][li]Tell wife her mom ran into an old friend and is spending the rest of the day with her.[/li][li]Take family for a long drive.[/li][li]Wing it from here. I’m not doing all your work for you.[/li][/ol] 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/11 "2011-12-22T16:13:54Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > [ol] > [li]Take her to the grocery store.[/li][li]When you are about a third of the way finished shopping, tell her you need to run to the car for your wallet.[/li][li]Drive home.[/li][li]Load wife and kids in car for a “surprise adventure”.[/li][li]Tell wife her mom ran into an old friend and is spending the rest of the day with her.[/li][li]Take family for a long drive.[/li][li]Wing it from here. I’m not doing all your work for you.[/li][/ol] > 😃 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/12 "2011-12-22T16:14:55Z")
> [@emmaliminal](#): > > OT, but I must know. What’s twice-pregnant? Are you expecting twins? Two boys. Paul and whatsisface. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/13 "2011-12-22T16:18:57Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > This is a characteristic pattern in my wife’s family–both sides of it, in fact. > > They express their love by obligating each other. > > Sounds weird I know but it’s the truth. Time to break that pattern, dude. Use the script that **elbows** so helpfully provided above. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/14 "2011-12-22T16:23:13Z")
I feel your pain, Frylock, and have the same attitudes towards spending too much on food as you do (as well as the hate for the cleanup.) However, you really shouldn’t host people for the holidays and expect them to pay for dinner, if you’re not able to spend more than $4 per person. If you’re not able to provide more than that to your guests (family or not), you should find a way to decline their visit. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/15 "2011-12-22T16:30:25Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > I feel your pain, Frylock, and have the same attitudes towards spending too much on food as you do (as well as the hate for the cleanup.) However, you really shouldn’t host people for the holidays and expect them to pay for dinner, if you’re not able to spend more than $4 per person. If you’re not able to provide more than that to your guests (family or not), you should find a way to decline their visit. Huh? We’re plenty able to “host” her for this visit. We told her what our intentions were, and our intentions are fine. Plenty of holiday food and fun for everyone. But she’s not happy with it and wants more to be spent. That’s on her. Don’t get the wrong impression–it’s not that we “can’t” spend more. We simply don’t see it as _worth_ spending more and never deceived anyone into thinking otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/16 "2011-12-22T17:12:12Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Open your mouth and tell her the damn truth! > > " I love the sounds of your idea, but it’s just not going to work for us. This year, we’ll have to do it my way, sorry. But I promise in the future, (perhaps when circumstances are less stressful, y’know?), I’d love to take you up on that offer." Wisdom! This! ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/17 "2011-12-22T18:30:00Z")
You sure didn’t put up much of a fight. Where is your wife that you can’t just pop in and ask her what she thinks? ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/18 "2011-12-22T18:30:39Z")
It’s called a spine. Look around somewhere because you appear to have misplaced yours. Better to have that fight now than to cultivate it for the Christmas Eve finale. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/19 "2011-12-22T18:54:12Z")
[QUOTE=Frylock] Don’t get the wrong impression–it’s not that we “can’t” spend more. We simply don’t see it as _worth_ spending more and never deceived anyone into thinking otherwise. [/QUOTE] So you have the money, but you’re going to charge your guests for food if they want something homemade? She sounds like a well-intentioned meddler, but you sound like a cheap bastard. Have a great holiday! ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/20 "2011-12-22T18:59:05Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > So you have the money, but you’re going to charge your guests for food if they want something homemade? If you’re a guest in someone’s home, you take what the host offers graciously, especially if you know your daughter is the host, is pregnant, and needs to rest. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082.md?page=2)