# Minor Pitting of Mother-In-Law **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 22, 2011, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082 "2011-12-22T15:28:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![G-SE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f0a364/32.png) [@G-SE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G-SE)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/41 "2011-12-22T23:05:29Z")
Grow a spine or open your damn wallet, geez. ---
**Author:** ![Huerta88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/82dd89/32.png) [@Huerta88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Huerta88)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2011, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/42 "2011-12-22T23:44:07Z")
OP has my sympathies and I can understand the appeal of a minimalist dinner without a big production (though my family goes big and everyone seems to be happy, including the womenfolk who kind of fight over who “gets” to cook and clean up). Given we have a fair number of non-U.S. posters who can probably identify with family holiday melodrama but not with this “Bob Evans” of which the OP speaks, as an F.Y.I. – it’s kind of like a Shoney’s, or Cracker Barrel. No, wait, that didn’t do you much good. [http://bobevans.com/Menu/Carryout](http://bobevans.com/Menu/Carryout) It’s a suburban/highway casual American food eatery. The meal the OP describes would be right in their wheelhouse. And lest you think Bob Evans is some horrible pit of inedible food from the handful of posts saying “that sounds so sad” – don’t be misled. It’s perfectly serviceable, perhaps somewhat bland, usually decently-prepared and tasty enough. I’ve eaten there dozens of times, never had a meal I hated (and as with any mid-to-inexpensive range restaurant, use your common sense if a menu item seems too ambitious for a non-haute-cuisine kitchen to pull off reliably – I generally avoid seafood, for instance, in places like this). ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/43 "2011-12-23T00:29:39Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > What does your wife think of the situation? You don’t think she’d enjoy her mom’s cooking at holiday time? How does she feel about you putting her on the spot to be the “bad cop” with her Mom? Haha, what are you talking about?! I’d be the bad cop if anyone were in this situation. But for the record, since you asked, my wife and I are 100% in agreement both in sentiment and analysis of the situation. She’s read this thread, for example. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/44 "2011-12-23T00:30:56Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > Gross. I hope you told her you were doing the Bob Evans Christmas Meal when you invited her, because that sounds depressing as shit. > Of course, she should have been more gracious and just accepted that that was what you were doing, but I don’t know anyone for whom going to a family holiday and finding out that it was chain-restaurant takeout Christmas wouldn’t be pretty shocking. I find this incomprehensible, but so does MIL apparently… It’s supposed to be about the family comraderie, not the food source. Ain’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/45 "2011-12-23T00:32:03Z")
> [@redtail23](#): > > Oh, please. I’m very fond of food and love to cook. We host Thanksgiving and Xmas dinners for 3 families = lots of people. All homemade and damn good. > > But I have also eaten holiday dinners from a local store, when circumstances warranted it. That was fine also. And at the time, it kept the holiday from turning into an insane, over-stressed nightmare instead of a pleasant time with family. We had a lovely dinner and a great time - with no cooking and very little cleanup. I appreciated the effort that folks made to create a good holiday, however that happened. > > Was it as good as our cooking? No. It was, however, just as good as homemade dinners I’ve had elsewhere. Please note that I didn’t feel the need to tell those people that their holiday meal was inadequate either - I was appreciative of their efforts, whatever they may have been. > > MiL is a spoiled brat and needs to get over herself. Exactly all of the above, except I’m not sure I’d say MIL is a spoiled brat. She’s set in her ways, let’s say. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/46 "2011-12-23T00:33:41Z")
> [@Vihaga](#): > > I just think giving her a heads-up would have been fair if she’s used to doing Christmas with the family a certain way. I seriously cannot wrap my head around inviting anyone to my house and having that exchange without giving them fair warning beforehand, especially my mother. The way we saw it, the ceremonies weren’t central to the purpose of the visit. ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/47 "2011-12-23T00:38:54Z")
> [@perfectparanoia](#): > > I hope you get this resolved. Really, your wife (as pregnant as she may be) needs to deal with it. Well… there’s a history here, that probably need not be discussed in detail here. Suffice to say, my main concern, in the end, is to keep the peace, whatever that may entail. I believe, in this case, that this is going to involve MIL and I cooperating in the kitchen, MIL paying for anything over $20 (I’m going to insist on this if it becomes an issue but I think it won’t now that things have had a chance to settle in) and wife resting and playing with kids and helping in kitchen as she damn well pleases. This way, each of us gets something, and everyone’s happy(?). > [@](#): > > Personally, if my mom wanted to cook dinner, she would also buy and clean up (cause that’s the way she rolls) so I won’t be in this situation and if she wasn’t, I would tell her to shove it (nicely, of course). > > As the son-in-law, you are in a bad position to be negotiating. Your wife has said what she wants (Bob Evans) and your mother-in-law wants something different. You are basically screwed. Yup, but you know, family, etc. Funny thing my MIL did–when wife came home from work today, MIL said “So, **Frylock** was saying you might want me to cook Christmas dinner.” You know, somehow that comes out sounding more evil than it seemed at the time when she said it. Hrm… (But to be clear, wife had previously been informed of the entire actual conversation MIL and I had. We just backed away and pretended not to hear or something. Like I said–history.) ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/48 "2011-12-23T00:40:06Z")
> [@G-SE](#): > > Grow a spine or open your damn wallet, geez. It’s not about spines or wallets. It’s about keeping things as peaceful and enjoyable as possible. (Which, come to think of it, requires both spine and wallet on occasion so…) ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/49 "2011-12-23T00:41:55Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Haha, what are you talking about?! > > I’d be the bad cop if anyone were in this situation. > > But for the record, since you asked, my wife and I are 100% in agreement both in sentiment and analysis of the situation. She’s read this thread, for example. Hrm, no, she hasn’t read the thread.Rather, she’s been fully apprised of its content. Sorry about that… ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/50 "2011-12-23T00:58:04Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Like I said, she’s “willing” to make it. If we actually let her make it, I guarantee you that she: > > –would do it > – **would be royally pissed off about it.** MIL isn’t clueless, she is controlling and passive aggressive. Best to deal with it now, cause it will only increase. Trust me, I’ve been there. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/51 "2011-12-23T01:09:06Z")
You guys like Bob Evans? Hey, get one of these and some paper plates and you’ll never have to cook or clean again. Just order a new case of product every week or two. > **[ComicBook.com](https://comicbook.com/approved/)** > > Comic Book Movies, News, & Digital Comic Books Link safe for work but not arteries. ---
**Author:** ![Belowjob2.0](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Belowjob2.0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belowjob2.0)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/52 "2011-12-23T01:25:30Z")
Is there any way you could just let her make dessert? Does she have a specialty dessert, some kind of pie or cake that she’s famous for? Have her just make that and tell her how wonderful she is for making it. Praise it to the heavens. That way, no high level kitchen ops beginning at 0 dark thirty. Minimal mess. And she’ll secretly appreciate not having to work so damned hard. And you gots young’uns. They lurves anything with sugar in it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/53 "2011-12-23T02:06:35Z")
> [@Belowjob2.0](#): > > Is there any way you could just let her make dessert? > > Does she have a specialty dessert, some kind of pie or cake that she’s famous for? Have her just make that and tell her how wonderful she is for making it. Praise it to the heavens.\ That’s a great idea. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/54 "2011-12-23T02:59:11Z")
All the best advice in the thread tied up in one neat solution. Dear MIL: I know you’d love to make a traditional dinner for the family this year but you know that even though wifey shouldn’t be on her feet she won’t be able to stop herself from trying to help you. We’re going to go back to our ordering in plan for dinner but since I know you want to do something special for her and the kids why don’t you make your famous x. It will be a great addition and feel more like Christmas for everyone. Just let me know what you need and I’ll make sure it’s here and ready for you. Love always, Frylock ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/55 "2011-12-23T03:24:44Z")
Yeah, I’m thinking about doing that. I think it may work… ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/56 "2011-12-23T03:44:15Z")
There’s nothing “sad” about the OP’s original plans. Holiday gatherings are for people to be together and to enjoy whatever they have. It’s really horrible for someone—especially your own damn mother—to get all shirty about your wanting to simplify a holiday meal for the sake of convenience when you’re freaking pregnant. And I don’t blame the OP for “not having balls” or whatever stupid bit of macho bullshit. Sometimes it’s valid to just expect other people to behave graciously and understandingly without putting pressure on you. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/57 "2011-12-23T05:32:34Z")
With all respect for others’ cultures and traditions, take out on Christmas is just … sad. Part of the holidays is dancing around the kitchen to the aroma of cinnamon and sugar cookies, looking for the second colander, raising eyebrows at the ground cloves, sipping just a little bit too much wine, while one woman gets annoyed, another gets panicked, and a third stations herself by the sink washing out the colander and other kitchen equipment, … and all three suddenly realize everything with a Y-chromosome is sitting in the living room, farting on the couch and bitching because they can’t get to the refrigerator to get another beer. Screw it, order out. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/58 "2011-12-23T14:39:10Z")
And **Moonlitherial** for the win! ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/59 "2011-12-23T14:56:20Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > Dear MIL: > I know you’d love to make a traditional dinner for the family this year but you know that even though wifey shouldn’t be on her feet she won’t be able to stop herself from trying to help you. We’re going to go back to our ordering in plan for dinner but since I know you want to do something special for her and the kids why don’t you make your famous x. It will be a great addition and feel more like Christmas for everyone. Just let me know what you need and I’ll make sure it’s here and ready for you. > Love always, > Frylock “Why are you giving me a letter? I’m standing right here.” ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2011, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/minor-pitting-of-mother-in-law/607082/60 "2011-12-23T14:59:14Z")
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