# Misleading Tourists **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 26, 2001, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825 "2001-10-26T18:07:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![August\_West](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/august_west/32/18069_2.png) [@August\_West](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/August_West)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2001, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/21 "2001-10-27T19:01:25Z")
[list][_] In the taverns, you should loudly speculate on Brett Favre’s homosexuality [_] ---
**Author:** ![August\_West](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/august_west/32/18069_2.png) [@August\_West](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/August_West)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2001, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/22 "2001-10-27T19:03:55Z")
[list]Wear lots of brown when walking through the woods in November ---
**Author:** ![D18](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c57346/32.png) [@D18](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D18)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/23 "2001-10-28T00:08:34Z")
- be sure to compliment us on how well we speak English - don’t forget to mention how much more you can buy with a US dollar than with one of ours - and please be sure to remind us that you don’t really consider Canada to be a different country - it’s more like the 51st state. That really gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling! See you soon, eh? And \*\*matt[/] the Hotel de Ville thing was priceless! ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/24 "2001-10-28T00:47:09Z")
\*\* Howdy Part’nah Welcome to Texas\*\* please be sure to do all of this while visiting my lovely state: When at the alamo, ask to see the basement. TRUST me, this little joke has not grown thin! In fact, the tour guides make it a point to take you out for beers after your tour! When in a large crowd, sing LOUDLY at the top of your voice: THE STARS AT NIGHT… as a state law, we Texans must stop what we are doing and perform the clap part of this song. When in Dallas, ask to be taken to where Kennedy was Murdered. please don’t say assasinate. thats so cold and clinical. Also, be sure to ask us how we feel to be responsible for his death. When in Houston, get a Taxi and take a quick jaunt to El Paso for Dinner! When in El Paso, please ask to go to Rosa’s cantina. and sing that El Paso Song. please buy a 10 gallon hat. You’ll blend right in with the rest of us! Tell us how much you know about Texas…you saw that dallas tv show after all. (oh yeah, ask us if we know who shot JR. who-boy, that one’s a laugh-riot) Be amazed that we all don’t have that accent! Tell me, for example, that i surely must not be a native cause I don’t sound like one! Ask to see our horses! we all have them, doncha know? and lastly. please end every sentence with “eeeeeeew wee!” ---
**Author:** ![Wind\_Sorceress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a87d85/32.png) [@Wind\_Sorceress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wind_Sorceress)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/25 "2001-10-28T04:41:00Z")
very bad advice (do all of the opposite if u want to make a good impression) 1)DO talk in English. no one understands you ( what? i do…wait a second) 2)Dis all the fruits that you’ve never seen before 3) trip over the threshold of a temple 4) make a mess at a night market 5) ask your guide a idiotic question like “where is taiwan located?” 6) eat stinky tofu and say it’s stinky but delicious at the same time 7) break all the taboos if you’re visiting at festival time that’s all i can think of for now. let me grab **Cougarfang** and see if she can come up with more ---
**Author:** ![mischievous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mischievous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mischievous)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/26 "2001-10-28T07:04:54Z")
in **NYC** … Go ahead, ask me what the tallest building left is. ---
**Author:** ![DarkJudicator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/da6949/32.png) [@DarkJudicator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DarkJudicator)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/27 "2001-10-28T07:36:25Z")
- Yes, the Crocodile Dundee movies ARE representative of the typical Australian. - Movies and TV shows do not lie, Fosters really is the highest quality beer we have. The only reason you’ll never see anyone drinking that cra-… ambrosia is because we’re courteous enough to save it for the American tourists. - Jokes about Lindy Chaimberlain never, EVER get old. (oh, I’m sorry… that’s “A DINGO TOOK MY BABY!” jokes to you) - If you’re British, feel free to visit our fine shores, and while taking in a Fosters at one of our distinguished drinking establishments, make a good-natured joke about how the Ashes belong in Britain. The locals will appreciate your sense of humour, and if you throw in something about the Lions thrashing the Wallabies they might even shout you a round… of _gag_ Fosters. (by the way, tell the bar staff you feel a bit homesick and ask for your beer warm… nobody will laugh, really!) - All Australians think of AFL (Australian Rules football… you know, the one where they bounce the ball) as a pretend sport, but are afraid to say so because of the risk of ridicule. You, however, as a visitor to our shores may feel free to express what we’re all thinking and call the players pansies (even though gridiron players wear twenty kilos of padding on the field…_cough_). Oh, and we LOVE it when someone refers to AFL as “aerial ping-pong”. - IT’S NOT A SHRIMP, IT’S A #^%@^%$# PRAWN!.. oh, sorry, my \ key came unstuck. Yes, Australians are renowned for saying “throw another shrimp on the barbie”. Give us your best rendition in a full-bore, Crocodile Dundee Aussie accent. Another thing that never gets tired. - Oh, make sure then when you say Aussie, you pronounce it OSS-EE. It does not, repeat NOT, sound like Ozzy. We’re very grateful every time an American gets this one right. - Another one for the British: that big, bright thing in the sky? It’s called the SUN. 😛 And don’t worry about offending us, we’re very thick-skinned, so if anything isn’t exactly to your liking let everyone in the vicinity know what’s wrong, preferably letting your accent show and letting everyone know that things were never like this back in \. We wouldn’t DREAM of calling you a whingeing Pom. Really. _sniggers_ ---
**Author:** ![TeaElle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@TeaElle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeaElle)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/28 "2001-10-28T07:43:47Z")
Not only do we wish to repeatedly answer “What’s the tallest building left?” we all wish to rehash, repeatedly, where we were when the planes hit. Please feel free to approach any New Yorker on the street to ask this poignant and important question. ---
**Author:** ![DarkJudicator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/da6949/32.png) [@DarkJudicator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DarkJudicator)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/29 "2001-10-28T07:57:21Z")
- Australians and New Zealanders will never get offended if you get them confused. We’re interchangeable. Think of it as like comparing Americans and Canadians, or Irish Republicans and Unionists… we’re practically brothers. 😛 - Leading on from that, all the New Zealand sheep jokes will be met with hearty laughter if applied to Aussies. We’re laughing WITH you, of course. - If you do happen to meet any of our native New Zealand brothers while you’re in Oz, show them your best attempt at doing the Haka. That always goes down well. - The correct name for our second-best known native animal is koala bear. That’s koala BEAR. It’s very, very important you don’t forget the bear part. - We’re very eager to hear what happens in our favourite American shows, and LOVE being told what’s going to occur six months down the track - we live for spoilers. I love this thread. :.) ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/30 "2001-10-28T10:13:10Z")
-Go to downtown Sydney or Melbourne and ask where the kangaroos are. -Ask how long we’ve had ATMs (or if you’re feeling brave, television, or electricity). -Comment that we’re driving on the wrong side of the road, and that you’re amazed there aren’t more accidents. -Remind us that cricket is not as good as baseball (we forget sometimes). -Loudly pine for favourite products that you “can’t get here”. -Tell us how many more lanes your roads have, or how much less you pay for “gas” (we’re always keen to know this). -Display a fascination for Vegemite. -Display a fascination for the Coriolis Effect. -If you are Japanese, **do not** make any attempt to leave your tour group, make contact with the locals, eat local food, or stay at one tourist attraction for more than five minutes before getting back on your bus. -If you are Canadian, just keep reminding us. About every fifteen minutes would be a minimum. Thanks. And here’s a more benign way of making fun of tourists -without their even knowing. It’s PostcardBingo[sup]TM[/sup], a game loved by Aussie postal workers: The rules are simple. Players agree to use either British, American, or New Zealand tourists’ postcards, and score a point for each standard phrase found. **British** (One point for each of the following, or for close variations on their themes) -To All at Number \*\* -The flight over was soooo long _(extra point for more than five o’s. Another extra point if written by a child who adds “…but good”)_. -We went to where they film _Neighbours_ (or _Home and Away_). -The beer is shite. -I met this bloke from (_insert English city_)!!! We’re going to buy an old car and go to Byron Bay. I can’t wait!!! -I got rat arsed. **American** -G’day Mates!! (This one kills us. Really. We never get tired of it.) -Here I am in OZ! _(duh)_ -Here I am in S_i_dney _(five points for the “i” spelling)_. It’s kinda small and a bit like SF. -I’ve petted a koala _(extra point if spelled “k **ao** la”)_ and a kangaroo. -The flight over was sooo long (UK scoring system applies). -The Aussies really like us Americans. -They have such a quaint accent (_We love being told this too_). -We saw where they filmed _Babe_. -I had some Fosters. It was ok, but Travis (or Chuck or Randy) had to help me walk back to the hotel. -I got laid! **New Zealand** -Sydney is incredible. It’s huge! -The plane ride was fun (\* but the taxi driver went very fast around the corners -from Nanna\*). -Going to the rugby tomorrow (_not from Nanna_) -I’m staying in Bondi with my cousin. He’s getting me a job. He’s alright, hey? -The beer is f**king shit. -Not bad here, but f**king Aussies everywhere! Heh! -I had to hammer some f\*\*king bloke in the pub. ---
**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/31 "2001-10-28T12:03:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wind Sorceress \* > \*\*very bad advice (do all of the opposite if u want to make a good impression) > > 1)DO talk in English. no one understands you ( what? i do…wait a second) > 2)Dis all the fruits that you’ve never seen before > 3) trip over the threshold of a temple > 4) make a mess at a night market > 5) ask your guide a idiotic question like “where is taiwan located?” > 6) eat stinky tofu and say it’s stinky but delicious at the same time > 7) break all the taboos if you’re visiting at festival time > > that’s all i can think of for now. let me grab **Cougarfang** and see if she can come up with more \*\* _YANK_ ok, ok, i’m here _snicker snicker_ oooookay, some more for taiwan: at a temple, it is customary to run around screaming your head off at the statues. we are really impressed by your chinese level. go on, read the street signs out loud to us. we really don’t understand any of them. go on. yes, we think that taiwan should rejoin china, and no, we don’t mind having missiles shot at us. discuss that at the top of your voice in a restaurant, we’ll be happy to join in and agree with you. a corollary to WS’s 1): we really don’t understand english, so it’s ok to diss the really fat old lady squeezed into the tiny, tacky dress next to you on the bus. ---
**Author:** ![TV\_time](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f17d59/32.png) [@TV\_time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TV_time)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/32 "2001-10-28T14:39:10Z")
1. Be sure to enjoy the scenery while driving in our mountains and if you can’t take it all in at the posted speed limit feel free to slow down to a crawl. Don’t worry that the **74 cars** stacked up behind you seem upset and overheating, it’s just our way of saying welcome to the mountains. 2. If you don’t see chicken fried steak or grits on the menu of the eating establishment you are dining at be sure to ask for it. (also, they probably just forgot to put Lone Star on the wine list–be sure to ask for that, too). 3. On the ski slopes, some visitors don’t realize that the person with the loudest clothes and voice has the right-of-way at all times, including in the warming house. 4. While hunting for you deer or elk, the color tan is very in this year, orange is so '90s. 5. We like to keep up on the prices of different items around the country, so do use phrases like, “I only pay half that much in Dallas.” ---
**Author:** ![mischievous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mischievous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mischievous)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/33 "2001-10-28T17:40:35Z")
And some more light-hearted ones from **NYC** … When going to Lincoln Center, nearly any northbound train will get you there. I particularly recommend the “A” train. [sub]This was more fun when 125th St was more dangerous[/sub] I know mass transit can be confusing, so please, feel free to bring your car with you. Don’t worry about any parking tickets you may receive, the city has **absolutely no way** of tracking you back to your home state. And the native New York drivers are nowhere near as agressive as you’ve been told. If you’re disoriented, the convient numbered street plan is there for you. Just stop on the nearest corner, right under the sign, and discuss which way you want to go. Particulary in midtown, and especially during Christmas shopping season. The hip-hop boys love it when you mock them. They respect you more for it. To add to their awe, finish up by declaring your pride in your own hometown. In the local argot this is phrased as “This is (insert your nowhere town), representin’!!!”. They’ll be wowed. If you try and get into a club and they tell you its a private party, by all means threaten to call the cops, sue the club, come back with baseball bats, etc… They’ll be properly intimidated. Not only will they let you in, but the doorman will personally introduce you to those hot gothic chicks you were trying to follow in. mischievous ---
**Author:** ![mapsmith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/848f3c/32.png) [@mapsmith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mapsmith)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/34 "2001-10-28T20:17:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by MrVisible \* > \*\*Here in Tucson, we do looooove our tourists. Here’s a helpful little guide. > > 1. Tucson in the summertime is a great time to get yourself an amazing tan. The locals are all pale because we’re saving all the sunshine for you. Go on out, grab a blanket, heck with sunscreen, and roast yourself for an hour or two. You’ll get all the color you ever wanted. > > 2. Yeah, we’ve got some funky ideas about traffic control. Turn lanes? Turn signals? They’re for chumps, ignore them. And you know that weird lane on Broadway, that goes one way in the morning, and another at night? We just call that the suicide lane for chuckles. Don’t fret about it; use it any way you please. Don’t read the signs, either. They’ll just confuse you. > > 3. “It’s a dry heat.” Wow. I never, ever thought of it that way before. What a clever turn of phrase! Dry heat. I’ll have to remember that. > > 4. You know those fuzzy little cacti? Teddy Bear Cactus, they’re called. The ones that actually look furry? Petting them is a local pastime. Try it; you’ll love it. Just rub them all over yourself; good for the skin, so I’m told. > > And have a nice stay here in the Old Pueblo. \*\* To add a few more: 1. That town out west, Ajo, is pronounced with a long A, and the “j” sounds like an “h”. 2. During the summer, the proper greeting is “hot enough for you” 3. We love the Arizona Cardinals Football Team. It is just the thing to get respect in the NFL. 4. We really like Phoenix here in Tucson. We hope to be just like them in a few years. 5. “You want to get to the east side? Just take the Crosstown Freeway.” 6. "Just go ahead and park your RV across three lanes of Traffic. That is what the lines in the roadway are for. 7. Did you get your oven mitts with the Rental Car. It is required to drive with them on in June, here in Tucson. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Laughing\_Lagomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laughing_Lagomorph)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/35 "2001-10-28T20:20:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RenMan \* > \*\*Laughing Lagomorph, these are great 🙂 \*\* Shucks, I’m speechless. Yours were funny too! I’ve been to Australia twice. I’m glad to see I did all the right things… ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/36 "2001-10-28T21:48:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by matt\_mcl \* > The government of Quebec runs a very inexpensive line of official hotels called the Hôtel de Ville; there’s one in each city. If you visit the one in Montreal (metro Champ-de-Mars) be sure to give my regards to the concierge, Monsieur Bourque. I apologise in advance for being an exceptionally thick and unworthy Brit. But could someone please decode the jokes involved in this? Excellent thread, and I loved the NY posts about “Which is the tallest building left”. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/37 "2001-10-28T21:58:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DarkJudicator \* > > - If you’re British, feel free to visit our fine shores, and while taking in a Fosters at one of our distinguished drinking establishments, make a good-natured joke about how the Ashes belong in Britain. The locals will appreciate your sense of humour, and if you throw in something about the Lions thrashing the Wallabies they might even shout you a round… of _gag_ Fosters. (by the way, tell the bar staff you feel a bit homesick and ask for your beer warm… nobody will laugh, really!) Aren’t The Ashes _always_ in England? ::d&r:: ---
**Author:** ![Rayne\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/df705f/32.png) [@Rayne\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rayne_Man)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2001, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/38 "2001-10-28T22:20:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ianzin \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by matt\_mcl \* > > The government of Quebec runs a very inexpensive line of official hotels called the Hôtel de Ville; there’s one in each city. If you visit the one in Montreal (metro Champ-de-Mars) be sure to give my regards to the concierge, Monsieur Bourque. > > I apologise in advance for being an exceptionally thick and unworthy Brit. But could someone please decode the jokes involved in this? > > Excellent thread, and I loved the NY posts about “Which is the tallest building left”. \*\* Hotel de Ville is the name of the town hall in most French towns and in French speaking Canada. Hotel just means “house” ( sorry I can’t do that curved line over the O) ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2001, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/39 "2001-10-29T02:25:37Z")
[sub][sup]for nasty tourists only, I don’t mind the other kind, in fact I like em.[/sup][/sub] Feel free to complain about how friggin’ expensive everything is. Misery loves company and we’ll probably all go out for beers. Even though Hawaiian only has a handful of letters whose pronounciations never change, don’t bother learning them. It’s fun to try and interpret what your saying. Koo e oh. Koo e oh. Oh you mean Kuhio, hahaha, good one. Be sure to complement us on how well we speak English. We love complements. When you’re leaving be sure to tell us how nice it will be to get back to the US. It makes us feel so wanted. Never had poi before? Well here’s a big heaping spoonful, enjoy! ## And this one I mean. There’s nothing to see outside of Waikiki. I love the Tucson ones. I used to live there. Here’s another. Be sure to ask where the Saguaros are. With a hard ‘g’. I have a Sun Devil T-shirt for you. For Free! ---
**Author:** ![Geek\_Mecha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecae2f/32.png) [@Geek\_Mecha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geek_Mecha)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2001, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825/40 "2001-10-29T03:09:24Z")
More Hawaii: Never mind the one-letter difference-- Waianae and Waialae are the _same_. Find the Trask sisters, and tell them how happy they should be that Hawaii’s part of the United States. They’ll take you in and treat you like a king. It might be a little tricky finding an ABC Store in Waikiki. Keep your eyes peeled. Ala Moana’s a crappy shopping center. Stick with Windward Mall. It rocks! It’s perfectly safe to go hiking/diving/fishing/volcano exploring in Hawaii, even if you’ve never done so before. Doing it alone and without any means of communicating with civilization? Even better! That’s the best way to experience Hawaii. Go tell the Japanese tourists at the Arizona Memorial they have no business being there. Tell them that if they don’t scram, you’ll have another atomic bomb dropped on 'em. A bright red sunburn = cool. The locals will respect you and consider you a true Hawaiian. Dive in there and grab that octopus. Yeah, that big purple one. Now bite its head off. Fresh, raw octopus head is a delicacy here. Turn one down, and you’ll offend _everyone_. Yes, the “Kaneohe-- Circle Island” bus will take you to Kona. Those big Samoan guys? They’re wearing _skirts_. Compliment them on their choice of attire. If you walk up to that guy over there near the canoe, he’ll paddle you over to Maui. All it’ll cost you is a ti-leaf wrapped pig leg. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/misleading-tourists/89825.md?page=3)