# Missing banter at work **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 27, 2011, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485 "2011-07-27T14:14:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Bibliovore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bibliovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bibliovore)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/1 "2011-07-27T14:14:25Z")
[background note - I’m hard of hearing and wear hearing aids] I’m getting really fucking pissed off at missing twenty fucking conversations a day here at work - especially when people keep fucking talking over my fucking head as though I’m not fucking there. HELLO! Why the fuck don’t you try actually having a fucking conversation with me once in a while? I don’t particularly give a shit about whatever the latest fucking gossip actually IS, but it’d be fucking nice to be fucking included once in a fucking while. Why the fuck do I have to keep fucking asking what’s going on and trying to get involved in the conversation? It makes me feel like a needy little kid rather than a member of the “team” who’s actually valued enough to share a bit of banter with. It’s so fucking isolating and demoralising, but at the same time such a seemingly petty issue that even bringing it up will make me sound like the world’s whiniest, most pathetic asshole. FUCK! ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/2 "2011-07-27T14:37:22Z")
> [@Bibliovore](#): > > [background note - I’m hard of hearing and wear hearing aids] Maybe they’ve tried to include you, but due to your hearing issues you are unaware, and they assume that means you are ignoring them/don’t care to be included. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/3 "2011-07-27T14:40:05Z")
Can you turn up the hearing aid? ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/4 "2011-07-27T14:42:38Z")
Perhaps they find it unpleasant to talk to you because you say ‘fuck’ all the time. But what the fuck do I know. ---
**Author:** ![Bibliovore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bibliovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bibliovore)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/5 "2011-07-27T14:43:40Z")
Everyone in our 5-strong team is aware of my hearing difficulty. I know they’re not trying to include me because I’m looking at them when they speak - they’re directing their conversation to each other and not to me. In fact they’re not even looking at me to see whether I’m following. The only time they do look at me during these conversations is when I pipe up to ask who or what they’re talking about. My trying to include myself in this way should be ample evidence to them that I want to be included, but I can’t keep saying “What? What?” like a fucking child. It’s so demoralising - some days it rolls off my back, but today it’s hurting. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/6 "2011-07-27T14:43:52Z")
It’s the look on your face. Just a guess but people who have difficulty hearing will usually frown when they are concentrating on the sounds and speech they hear. Your co-workers have incorrectly mistaken the look on your face for disapproval. They think that by including you they are annoying you. You might just work it into the conversation (that you start) that you have to work a little harder at conversation but you still want to be included. Tell them the frowns are concentration moves. Also, If you are constantly asking them to repeat what they said then it’s time to upgrade the hearing aid. And fuck 'em if they can’t get a clue. ---
**Author:** ![Bibliovore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bibliovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bibliovore)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/7 "2011-07-27T14:44:49Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Can you turn up the hearing aid? Wish I could. I wear them in both ears and even when they’re in, I have trouble following group conversations that are batted back and forth across the desks. ---
**Author:** ![Double\_Foolscap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/85e7bf/32.png) [@Double\_Foolscap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Double_Foolscap)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/8 "2011-07-27T14:45:07Z")
Have you tried starting banter yourself, to show willing? Maybe your coworkers suspect that you don’t care about gossip, so think that they’re being courteous by not wasting your time. A few “So how 'bout them Knicks” comments might go some way to counteract that. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/9 "2011-07-27T14:47:28Z")
> [@Bibliovore](#): > > Wish I could. I wear them in both ears and even when they’re in, I have trouble following group conversations that are batted back and forth across the desks. I think that it’s possible that this is exactly the reason that they are ‘talking over your head.’ It’s obviously very difficult for you to follow a conversation between multiple participants, and I’m sure they do realize that. But it’s probably also awkward for them to stop a conversation to repeat to you what has been said. Which sucks, but that’s what I’m feeling. ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/10 "2011-07-27T14:53:25Z")
> [@Bibliovore](#): > > HELLO! Why the fuck don’t you try actually having a fucking conversation with me once in a while? I don’t particularly give a shit about whatever the latest fucking gossip actually IS, but it’d be fucking nice to be fucking included once in a fucking while… You answered your own question, I think. They don’t include you once in a while because you don’t particularly give a shit about whatever they’re talking about amongst themselves. I’m left out of sports conversations at work because I have no interest in them (well, except for the ultrarare swimming conversation in Olympics years). Everyone can tell that I have no interest in sports conversations, and so when they’re talking about the latest baseball game they don’t include me. If I were to show an interest in baseball – keep up on the players, follow the scores, etc. – then I’d be included. ---
**Author:** ![Bibliovore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bibliovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bibliovore)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/11 "2011-07-27T15:04:06Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Perhaps they find it unpleasant to talk to you because you say ‘fuck’ all the time. > > But what the fuck do I know. Hah I know you’re kidding, but I never swear at work - the one time I swore out loud at an email I’d received, everyone was _shocked_! No I save my profanities for when I’m venting in the Pit or when I’m driving. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/12 "2011-07-27T15:11:33Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > Perhaps they find it unpleasant to talk to you because you say ‘fuck’ all the time. Perhaps he’s not actually saying it though but, instead, just using sign language. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/13 "2011-07-27T15:14:12Z")
I have a bad ear. I cope by either pretending I heard and understood what was said (simply nodding and murmuring “mmm” is amazingly effective, and I’ve yet to accidentally agree to wear a puffy shirt), or by repeating what I thought they said. “Am I sailing back to port? Huh?” “No, I said have you _emailed me that report_?” “Ahh. Yeah, I don’t even own a boat.” ---
**Author:** ![Bibliovore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bibliovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bibliovore)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/14 "2011-07-27T15:14:24Z")
> [@BubbaDog](#): > > It’s the look on your face. > > Just a guess but people who have difficulty hearing will usually frown when they are concentrating on the sounds and speech they hear. > > Your co-workers have incorrectly mistaken the look on your face for disapproval. > They think that by including you they are annoying you. > > You might just work it into the conversation (that you start) that you have to work a little harder at conversation but you still want to be included. Tell them the frowns are concentration moves. > > Also, If you are constantly asking them to repeat what they said then it’s time to upgrade the hearing aid. > > And fuck 'em if they can’t get a clue. Thanks Bubba, but they all know about my hearing as I’ve explained it to them. they also know that when I frown at them in that particular way I’m just concentrating, not disapproving. And yeah, better hearing aids would be great but they’re not cheap and I can’t afford them right now. Even with top-of the line hearing aids though, I’m always going to be struggling. ---
**Author:** ![Bibliovore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bibliovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bibliovore)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/15 "2011-07-27T15:17:54Z")
> [@Lightray](#): > > You answered your own question, I think. They don’t include you once in a while because you don’t particularly give a shit about whatever they’re talking about amongst themselves. > > I’m left out of sports conversations at work because I have no interest in them (well, except for the ultrarare swimming conversation in Olympics years). Everyone can tell that I have no interest in sports conversations, and so when they’re talking about the latest baseball game they don’t include me. If I were to show an interest in baseball – keep up on the players, follow the scores, etc. – then I’d be included. Maybe, but they do this regardless of the topic. I’m not fussed about celebrity gossip for example, but they’ll act this way no matter what they’re talking about. ---
**Author:** ![amanset](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8dc957/32.png) [@amanset](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amanset)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/16 "2011-07-27T15:21:56Z")
Do you start many conversations? Because right now all this seems to be about what other people do. Living in a foreign country where it took me years to get proficient at the local lingo, I’ve spent years not knowing what the fuck is going on. I never expected people to speak English just for me. I just had to roll with it. ---
**Author:** ![Bibliovore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bibliovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bibliovore)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/17 "2011-07-27T15:22:11Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I think that it’s possible that this is exactly the reason that they are ‘talking over your head.’ > > It’s obviously very difficult for you to follow a conversation between multiple participants, and I’m sure they do realize that. > > But it’s probably also awkward for them to stop a conversation to repeat to you what has been said. Which sucks, but that’s what I’m feeling. Then what’s the solution? There has to be a happy medium between repeating every single word for my benefit and completely fucking ignoring me altogether. Seriously, I really don’t feel like a member of the team because I’m excluded from participating in the socialising banter at work. ---
**Author:** ![Bibliovore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bibliovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bibliovore)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/18 "2011-07-27T15:27:18Z")
> [@amanset](#): > > Do you start many conversations? Because right now all this seems to be about what other people do. Living in a foreign country where it took me years to get proficient at the local lingo, I’ve spent years not knowing what the fuck is going on. I never expected people to speak English just for me. I just had to roll with it. I used to. I’d always make a point of greeting everyone every morning, offering to make coffee, etc.. I even ask questions when I do catch a snippet of conversation in order to show an interest. I’m really not a sullen, sulky kinda guy - any Doper who’s met me knows that - but this kind of shit grinds me down sometimes to the point where if I’m having a really bad day, I’ll just jam on a set of headphones as a sort of “fuck you” to all of them, and seethe quietly as they chatter and laugh around me. ---
**Author:** ![Bibliovore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bibliovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bibliovore)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/19 "2011-07-27T15:32:13Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > Perhaps he’s not actually saying it though but, instead, just using sign language. As my hearing is steadily deteriorating and I’m only in my mid-thirties at the moment, there’s a very real possibility that I’m eventually going to lose my hearing completely and I’ll \*have \*to learn sign language. ☹ Fuck, that’s too depressing to even think about right now, but if that happens, one of the first thimgs I’m going to learn is how to swear, and then I’ll roundly curse the whole fucking lot of 'em! That’ll teach the fuckers! Hah! Take that! I gesticulate at you provocatively! _waggle, waggle, twiddle_ ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485/20 "2011-07-27T15:34:35Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > Perhaps he’s not actually saying it though but, instead, just using sign language. Notice how lieu didn’t even direct that comment toward you; talked right over your head! What a dick! No, I mean that. That was kind of a fucking dicky comment. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/missing-banter-at-work/590485.md?page=2)