# Mistress, girlfriend - what? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [March 6, 2003, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571 "2003-03-06T20:55:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![boo\_boo\_bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@boo\_boo\_bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boo_boo_bear)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/1 "2003-03-06T20:55:49Z")
Two questions: 1.) The American Heritage Dictionary’s sixth definition for the word ‘mistress’ is: > [@](#): > > 1. A woman who has a continuing sexual relationship with a usually married man who is not her husband and from whom she generally receives material support. Now if I - an unmarried male - see a married woman from time to time (over a period of almost twenty years) and I don’t support her materially (gifts, yes - but no actual support) would she be my mistress? Or is there another term that is more appropriate? 1. How should she refer to me? If she goes into a store, for instance, to exchange an item of clothing that I bought her as a gift and my name is on the credit card receipt, does she just explain that it was a gift purchased by a friend (that was my solution to her question). But in more intimate conversations with other women, how might she refer to me? Is there a somewhat more ambiguous term that she could use - a masculine version of ‘mistress’? ‘Lover’ just doesn’t sit well with me - it implies, to me, a primarily sexual relationship; and we’re too old, now, to refer to one another as ‘girlfriend’ and ‘boyfriend’… I’m looking for an answer by March 30th… so there’s no big hurry… Thanks, in advance, -bbb- ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/2 "2003-03-06T21:23:16Z")
The obvious answer, of course, is to use the masculine form of ‘mistress,’ which would be ‘master.’ Somehow, though, I don’t think this would solve the problem. It’s cumbersome, but ‘significant other’ or ‘SO’ might work. Of course, if her husband discovers your 20-year relationship, you might be referred to as ‘defendant.’ ---
**Author:** ![december](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/838e76/32.png) [@december](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/december)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/3 "2003-03-06T21:24:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sauron \* > \*\*Of course, if her husband discovers your 20-year relationship, you might be referred to as ‘defendant.’ \*\* Or ‘decedant.’ ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/4 "2003-03-06T21:26:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sauron \* > \*\*Of course, if her husband discovers your 20-year relationship, you might be referred to as ‘defendant.’ \*\* Or “the deceased.” ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/5 "2003-03-06T21:28:14Z")
Sorry, **december** , you won fair & square! ---
**Author:** ![Rug\_Burn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a87d85/32.png) [@Rug\_Burn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rug_Burn)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/6 "2003-03-06T21:28:30Z")
1. Fuck Buddy 2. Sugar Daddy ---
**Author:** ![DreadCthulhu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/db5fbb/32.png) [@DreadCthulhu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DreadCthulhu)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/7 "2003-03-06T21:34:48Z")
Sugar Daddy doesn’t work, as that normally implies an older man lavishing gifts and supporting a younger women. Fuck Buddy sounds about right, but I wouldn’t use it in polite society. ---
**Author:** ![Stitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c2a13f/32.png) [@Stitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stitch)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/8 "2003-03-06T21:36:09Z")
Worry about what people would call you. As an alternative to “deceased” allow me to off “castrato.” Hope you get the loyalty you deserve. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d26b3c/32.png) [@UncleBill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBill)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/9 "2003-03-06T21:52:38Z")
She is your girlfriend (if you see her exclusively). You are her Lover. Paramour, if you want to get fancy. You both are dumb. ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/10 "2003-03-06T22:10:07Z")
Quite the judgemental bunch aren’t we? Although I do not approve of adultery, bbb hasn’t given us too much info besides the fact that the woman he has been seeing for twenty years is married and that they are too old to refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. I doubt that she is happily married and there’s even a possibility that the marriage is one of convenience for this woman and her husband. Perhaps they both see other people outside of the marriage with the other’s knowledge but have chosen not to divorce for reasons unknown. If everyone is happy and fully informed of what’s going on then this is not as bad as it initially sounds… of course if the married woman was my wife and I didn’t know that she had a thing going on with bbb things would get ugly really fast. I still have no idea what to call bbb except that I won’t be calling him rude names or insulting a woman we know nothing about. ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/11 "2003-03-06T22:29:50Z")
[slight hijack] This has nothing much to do with the OP, but I saw a toast somewhere, “Here’s to our wives and our girlfriends. May they never meet…” [/slight hijack] ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/12 "2003-03-06T22:57:10Z")
Thinking back to old Led Zepplin and AC/DC lyrics (great cite huh!) makes me suggest the term “backdoor man” for the OP. I agree the OP probably shouldn’t be doing what he is doing, but we mustn’t judge him on the little that we know. Cheers, Bippy ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/13 "2003-03-06T23:14:24Z")
You’re a “kept man,” a “toyboy,” a “temporarily unemployed pool boy,” a “male chippie,” “just a gigolo.” “Himbo.” “Gentleman Escort.” And you’re not the first. ---
**Author:** ![maralinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@maralinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maralinn)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/14 "2003-03-06T23:18:17Z")
There isn’t a word in English you’re going to like, sorry. The most accurate word is “lover” if the relationship is sexual, and “friend” if it isn’t. And I feel that the words she uses in private, intimate conversations are not only none of our business, it’s none of yours. But that’s just my opinion. Here’s a link to a thesaurus: [http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/thesaurus](http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/thesaurus) ---
**Author:** ![Swagman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Swagman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swagman)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/15 "2003-03-06T23:19:15Z")
I’d suggest she could be your ‘Ladylove’ and you her ‘Admirer’. ‘Admirer’ implies something not just sexual and a bit more intense than just a friend. Ignore the moralists BBB - you both sound mature enough to know what you’re doing. ---
**Author:** ![newcrasher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b3f665/32.png) [@newcrasher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/newcrasher)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/16 "2003-03-06T23:34:55Z")
How about “accompliss”? You have to wonder why two grown people would carry on a 20 year relationship that is based is deception and lies. You, knowing it can never mature, and she, knowing her closest relationships are worthy of scorn. Judgemental? Outrage is not completely dead yet. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![newcrasher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b3f665/32.png) [@newcrasher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/newcrasher)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/17 "2003-03-06T23:36:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Swagman \* > \*\*I’d suggest she could be your ‘Ladylove’ and you her ‘Admirer’. ‘Admirer’ implies something not just sexual and a bit more intense than just a friend. Ignore the moralists BBB - you both sound mature enough to know what you’re doing. \*\* Not getting caught, and being mature are two different things. He is enabling her to be deceptive to her husband. If the marital relationship is so bad, she should live her life honestly and have the courage to file for divorce. ---
**Author:** ![Kjetil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bc8723/32.png) [@Kjetil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kjetil)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/18 "2003-03-06T23:42:32Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. A woman who has a continuing sexual relationship with a usually married man who is not her husband and from whom she generally receives material support. “_Usually_ married?” > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by boo\_boo\_bear \* > 2) How should she refer to me? Mistress and mister? ---
**Author:** ![Kjetil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bc8723/32.png) [@Kjetil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kjetil)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2003, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/19 "2003-03-06T23:45:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by newcrasher \* > **If the marital relationship is so bad, she should live her life honestly and have the courage to file for divorce.** …But then she’ll have to give up the throne to Charles- Oh, damn, shouldn’t have said that. Two useless posts in a row, woohoo. ---
**Author:** ![boo\_boo\_bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@boo\_boo\_bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boo_boo_bear)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/20 "2003-03-07T00:45:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rug Burn \* > \*\*1. Fuck Buddy > > 1. Sugar Daddy \*\* We dallied with the first for years - it just doesn’t seem appropriate any longer… -bbb- [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571.md?page=2)