# Mistress, girlfriend - what? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [March 6, 2003, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571 "2003-03-06T20:55:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![boo\_boo\_bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@boo\_boo\_bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boo_boo_bear)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/21 "2003-03-07T01:04:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Swagman \* > \*\*I’d suggest she could be your ‘Ladylove’ and you her ‘Admirer’. ‘Admirer’ implies something not just sexual and a bit more intense than just a friend. Ignore the moralists BBB - you both sound mature enough to know what you’re doing. \*\* I like ‘admirer’ - while I admit that ‘the affair’ might be morally wrong to some (as alluded to in some posts) - it started long before the marriage… we dated in high school, lost track of one another for a couple of years, got back together as friends who happened to sleep together from time to time. I introduced her to the man who became her husband and was in the wedding party. He has always been aware of our relationship and has always approved of it - they are both my best friends. Their children regard me as a kind and generous uncle and we all three go to great lengths to make certain that the kids aren’t aware that Mom and Uncle BBB have a ‘special relationship’. It may sound strange, but after 20 years, it’s something we’re very comfortable with… I’m sure stranger attachments have formed… And as my health has declined, I am no longer able to make love to her as I would like - but to hold her close and kiss her is the finest therapy I have found. I do love her - and I am her admirer (I could go on at length about just how much I admire her); so 'Ladylove" and ‘Admirer’ sound perfect and poetic to me… Thanks so much to those who answered - particularly those who were nonjudgmental! -bbb- ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/22 "2003-03-07T01:04:58Z")
“Mistress” is one of those words whose meaning has changed over the years. It used to be a title of respect for a married woman, which is where we get “Mrs.” from. Then it evolved into a term meaning an unmarried woman who is financially supported by her lover. (Whether or not the man was married, these were “bad” women in a time when women could only have sex within the marriage.) Other than “gigolo” I am aware of no common equivelent for men who were in the same position, though, of course, women have kept male lovers down through the ages, as have men. Today, “mistress” is used rather infrequently, mostly replaced by “lover” which does not have the same negative tinge that “mistress” acquired and is gender-neutral. I agree with the other posters that this is what you would be refered to as. There’s a relatively interesting book on this subject called \* The Other Woman \* which is a history of the mistress down through the ages. ---
**Author:** ![X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bbe5ce/32.png) [@X\_Slayer\_ALE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/X_Slayer_ALE)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/23 "2003-03-07T01:15:28Z")
Yer just a Gigolo everywhere you go people know the part you plaaay in… gigolo gigolo gigolo you pay for every dance sellin’ each romance… ---
**Author:** ![boo\_boo\_bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@boo\_boo\_bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boo_boo_bear)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/24 "2003-03-07T01:17:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by newcrasher \* > \*\*You have to wonder why two grown people would carry on a 20 year relationship that is based is deception and lies. You, knowing it can never mature, and she, knowing her closest relationships are worthy of scorn. > > Judgemental? Outrage is not completely dead yet. > > :mad: \*\* There have never been any deception or lies - I’m not sure how you read that into my original message. And it has matured - wonderfully. Are we worthy of scorn? Maybe… She has a great marriage to a great guy (whose only fault, perhaps, is that he is married more to his job, at times, than to his wife and kids) and they have incredible children. Do we deceive the children by not explaining the relationship? Maybe. We’ve discussed the notion that one of the kids may one day actually pop the question and have decided that the answer would be dependent on the age and maturity of the child - a lie in one instance (the first lie, however) and the truth in another scenario. ---
**Author:** ![boo\_boo\_bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@boo\_boo\_bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boo_boo_bear)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/25 "2003-03-07T01:20:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Swagman \* > \*\*I’d suggest she could be your ‘Ladylove’ and you her ‘Admirer’. ‘Admirer’ implies something not just sexual and a bit more intense than just a friend. Ignore the moralists BBB - you both sound mature enough to know what you’re doing. \*\* I like ‘admirer’ - while I admit that ‘the affair’ might be morally wrong to some (as alluded to in some posts) - it started long before the marriage… we dated in high school, lost track of one another for a couple of years, got back together as friends who happened to sleep together from time to time. I introduced her to the man who became her husband and was in the wedding party. He has always been aware of our relationship and has always approved of it - they are both my best friends. Their children regard me as a kind and generous uncle and we all three go to great lengths to make certain that the kids aren’t aware that Mom and Uncle BBB have a ‘special relationship’. It may sound strange, but after 20 years, it’s something we’re very comfortable with… I’m sure stranger attachments have formed… And as my health has declined, I am no longer able to make love to her as I would like - but to hold her close and kiss her is the finest therapy I have found. I do love her - and I am her admirer (I could go on at length about just how much I admire her); so 'Ladylove" and ‘Admirer’ sound perfect and poetic to me… Thanks so much to those who answered - particularly those who were nonjudgmental! -bbb- ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/26 "2003-03-07T02:24:34Z")
If the husband is aware and comfortable with the relationship, I really don’t see a moral problem. There is no “deciet” involved in an open marriage. If it works for them, with no hurt feelings, then that’s perfectly fine. I would object if the husband was unaware, but after 20 years, he’d either have to be blind, deaf and housebound, or as dumb as an ox not to have noticed \* something \* was up. ---
**Author:** ![Stitch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c2a13f/32.png) [@Stitch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stitch)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/27 "2003-03-07T06:26:42Z")
\>Ignore the moralists BBB - you both sound mature enough to know what you’re doing.\< Sorry, I thougt the OP was talking about adultery. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Kentzel-Griffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ccd318/32.png) [@John\_Kentzel-Griffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Kentzel-Griffin)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/28 "2003-03-07T07:20:02Z")
We’re getting away from the General Questions here. This forum is for factual answers to questions. If you want to debate the morality of adultry, start a thread in Great Debates. Let’s stick to factual answers to the General Question here. Thanks. **DrMatrix** - General Questions Moderator ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/29 "2003-03-07T15:12:43Z")
Hey, the perfect answer is in the OP. She should call you her **Boo Boo Bear**. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/30 "2003-03-07T15:38:05Z")
I remember a Doonesbury strip that dealt with this. Joanie Caucus is living with her younger bf Rick but hasn’t married him yet. She’s with him at some soiree, and introduces him to her boss, Congresswoman Lacy Davenport. Joanie says “This is Rick, my um, er…” and Lacy says “Your Young Man, dear.” Joanie sighs with relief as Rick says “I never knew they invented a term for that.” ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/31 "2003-03-07T16:01:17Z")
“inamorata” (I may have spelled it wrong) pronouned en’-amo-rata ---
**Author:** ![boo\_boo\_bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a88e4f/32.png) [@boo\_boo\_bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boo_boo_bear)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/32 "2003-03-07T16:14:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by plnnr \* > \*\*“inamorata” (I may have spelled it wrong) > > pronouned en’-amo-rata \*\* Now **that** is perfect! And lovely as well! Thanks, -bbb- ---
**Author:** ![sonicsink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@sonicsink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sonicsink)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/33 "2003-03-07T18:09:07Z")
I once hear a woman refer to the guy as her “man friend”. I suppose its the grown up version of “boyfriend” and it sounds a little more discreet. ---
**Author:** ![sonicsink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@sonicsink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sonicsink)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2003, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/34 "2003-03-07T18:12:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sonicsink \* > \*\*I once hear a woman refer to the guy as her “man friend”. I suppose its the grown up version of “boyfriend” and it sounds a little more discreet. \*\* Ug! Ignore the terrible spelling and grammar ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2003, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/35 "2003-03-08T00:24:58Z")
Don’t make this more complicated than it has to be, Boo Boo Bear. A mistress is simply something between a mister and a matress. ---
**Author:** ![Walloon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/fbc32d/32.png) [@Walloon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walloon)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2003, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571/36 "2003-03-08T07:39:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by maralinn \* > \*\*There isn’t a word in English you’re going to like, sorry. The most accurate word is “lover” if the relationship is sexual, and “friend” if it isn’t. > \*\* Whatever became of, you know, _love_? I thought the term “lover” makes it pretty clear that “love” is what the relationship is about. Have “love” and “sex” switched places? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mistress-girlfriend-what/159571.md?page=1)