# "Modern" wedding vows? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 12, 2006, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088 "2006-02-12T06:25:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2006, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/21 "2006-02-13T17:46:15Z")
I’ll be back to deal with this “husband” thing; right now I have to run. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2006, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/22 "2006-02-13T18:36:10Z")
> [@AskNott](#): > > I had dodged around “husband and wife” because it implies ownership. I made sure that “man and wife” wouldn’t be in our wedding ceremony. To me, that implies ownership, or at least inequality, much more than “husband and wife” does. > [@whiterabbit](#): > > I am never, ever, going to be Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. I have a name too! I don’t know what I’d to do to somebody who referred to me that way (if I was married) but it sure wouldn’t be pretty. Change my last name? Sure. But I’d find it really insulting to be referred to as Mrs. Him. I bristle every time we get mail addressed that way. I make him open it- my name’s not on it, so I can’t open it. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2006, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/23 "2006-02-13T20:01:29Z")
> [@Webster's New Twentieth Century Dictionary](#): > > **hus band, n.** [ME. _h(o)usbonde; AS. husbonda, husbunda; hus,_ house, and _bonda, bunda,_ master, head of a family, married man.] It goes on to list several obsolete and modern definitions. My point is that the word is rooted in a role of master of the house. In animal husbandry, you aren’t married to the pigs, you own them. You manage them. I’m a modern man, and I don’t buy that ancient picture of the man being master over his wife. Marriage is a shared endeavor, with two equal partners. I have been to weddings where the minister went on and on about the wife’s obedience to the husband, and it made me angry. I wanted to stand up and shout, “That shit don’t make it anymore, Jack.” This time, _I_ was the minister, and I didn’t wan’t any hint of the old master-and-helpmeet bullshit. > [@whiterabbit](#): > > I am never, ever, going to be Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. I have a name too! I don’t know what I’d to do to somebody who referred to me that way (if I was married) but it sure wouldn’t be pretty. Change my last name? Sure. But I’d find it really insulting to be referred to as Mrs. Him. I understand that completely. However, she had some very tricky family dysfunction issues that I had to dance around. I can’t really explain them to you, but I had a good reason for writing the last line the way I did. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2006, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/24 "2006-02-13T20:13:55Z")
> [@AskNott](#): > > I have been to weddings where the minister went on and on about the wife’s obedience to the husband, and it made me angry. I wanted to stand up and shout, “That shit don’t make it anymore, Jack.” This time, _I_ was the minister, and I didn’t wan’t any hint of the old master-and-helpmeet bullshit. It’s a good thing that the rabbi at our wedding didn’t say anything like that. I think Mr. Neville, his parents, my parents, and I might have all laughed ourselves to death if he had. ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2006, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/25 "2006-02-13T21:13:45Z")
The editing of duration is bad enough – I’ll love thee until … um… I don’t anymore – but I have a problem with the whole concept of “writing your own vows”. If you think you’re a better writer than the anonymous author who came up with “to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness & in health…” etc – you’re probably wrong. ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [February 13, 2006, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/26 "2006-02-13T22:12:39Z")
Maybe my next marriage I’ll have it be for 10 years. If we’re still going strong, we can renew and get a sticker, just like the DMV without the lines. ---
**Author:** ![FilmGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@FilmGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FilmGeek)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2006, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/27 "2006-02-14T00:18:56Z")
We’re writing our own vows. It’s not a matter of being a ‘better writer’, it’s personalizing and making them our own. Why should I use some random dude’s words when I could use my own. The vows could sound shitty to someone outside the marriage, but I’m not getting married for anyone but myself and my future husband. For the record, the ceremony is just the two of us, our parents and our siblings. That reminds me, I need to write my vows. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/28 "2006-03-13T15:48:48Z")
My mom (in her early 70s) insists on mail to her being addressed to “Mrs. Myhusband’sfirstname Myhusband’slastname.” She’s actually a little offended if it’s addressed to “Mrs. Myfirstname Myhusband’slastname.” I don’t understand it, myself, but that’s how she was raised. Whatever. When my wife and I were married, I told her that I would be honored if she took my last name, but it was her decision. She considered hyphenating (too cumbersome) before taking my last name, and prefers her mail addressed to “Mrs. Herfirstname Herhusband’slastname,” or omitting the “Mrs.” entirely. But she sometimes gets mail addressed to her as a “Ms.” WTF? I always thought that was for unmarried women who didn’t like the more quaint “Miss.” ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/29 "2006-03-13T15:57:35Z")
> [@Elendil's Heir](#): > > My mom (in her early 70s) insists on mail to her being addressed to “Mrs. Myhusband’sfirstname Myhusband’slastname.” She’s actually a little offended if it’s addressed to “Mrs. Myfirstname Myhusband’slastname.” I don’t understand it, myself, but that’s how she was raised. Whatever. > > When my wife and I were married, I told her that I would be honored if she took my last name, but it was her decision. She considered hyphenating (too cumbersome) before taking my last name, and prefers her mail addressed to “Mrs. Herfirstname Herhusband’slastname,” or omitting the “Mrs.” entirely. > > But she sometimes gets mail addressed to her as a “Ms.” WTF? I always thought that was for unmarried women who didn’t like the more quaint “Miss.” “Mrs. HisFirst HisLast” was (and often still is) considered proper etiquette for a married woman - IIRC, “Mrs. HerFirst HisLast” was once either only for divorced or widowed women, I can’t recall which. That might be the source of your mother’s consternation. Ms. is considered proper use when you are unsure of the married status of a woman, or if she prefers not to advertise her married status in her title, or if she simply prefers the usage. It is a comparatively fairly old form of address, actually, contrary to those people who suggest it’s a product of modern feminism. (It’s also short for “Mistress”, and not **that** kind, pervs.) IIRC, Ms. is a not uncommon form of address for women in parts of the southern US as well. ---
**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/30 "2006-03-13T16:58:12Z")
I think any wedding ought to include a couple of lawyers-one for the bride, one for the groom. There should be leagl contracts signed and witnessed. The lawyers should also sign and verify that the contracts were arrived at legally. Of course, thats why people have prenuptual agreements! 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/31 "2006-03-13T19:42:38Z")
> [@Ferret Herder](#): > > Ms. is considered proper use when you are unsure of the married status of a woman, or if she prefers not to advertise her married status in her title, or if she simply prefers the usage… None of those apply here, and those using it for my wife know that. I wonder if they’re trying to tell _me_ something? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2006, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088/32 "2006-03-13T19:50:17Z")
> [@Elendil's Heir](#): > > None of those apply here, and those using it for my wife know that. I wonder if they’re trying to tell _me_ something? :dubious: Improper usage would be using it when the addressee doesn’t use it and they know it. Maybe they think they’re being “modern” or something. (I use “Ms.” and a hyphenated surname, and you probably wouldn’t be surprised that people who know better, like my inlaws, tend to screw up both. Then again, I have a friend who used to hyphenate my husband’s surname as well, as a poor joke.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/modern-wedding-vows/344088.md?page=1)