# Momma, the whore of sandwich Babylon **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 13, 2003, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546 "2003-06-13T12:52:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/1 "2003-06-13T12:52:03Z")
I just went to the local gas station to grab my lunch. The fridge had a selection from an unsalubrious Dublin-based sandwich company called “Momma’s Kitchen”. I’m vaguely aware of the low quality of the sandwiches they turn out, but I was in a hurry and didn’t have time to go anywhere else to grab a bite. I selected **Cajun Chicken**. A look at the label promised “Chicken, cajun spices, mayo and horseradish on brown bread”. Mmmm mmmm mmmm. Sounds good. I unwrapped it. It looked the part. I bit into it. Holy living shit on a cracker. I’m nearly retching. What the fuck was _that_ meant to be? I pulled it apart. Let me enumerate the horrors I saw therein.[ol][li]Bread: it was certainly brown in colour. It was also damp, soggy, and misshapen. Most professional sandwich outfits use special bread of a certain consistency that doesn’t readily absorb moisture, and of a large and uniform shape. Not Momma. I’m guessing she gives backhanders to a sleazed up baker to retrieve the rejected shit from out of the dumpster. Either that or she wrests it from the mouths of ducks in the park.[/li][li]Next, butter. [/li] Butter? Who the fuck puts butter with mayo? What the fuck right has butter got to be in this monstrosity? Butter is a fatty substance, as is mayo. You have one or the other. Not both. You might want butter in, say, a jam sandwich, but not with something that’s already got a savoury sandwich base. This practice should be illegal. Indeed, no butter was advertised on the label, but Momma saw fit to slap about a quarter-inch of lard-like yellow crap on the inside of each slice of bread, nicely congealed due to the temperature of the fridge. I presume this is to act as a sealant to prevent the bread going soggy (see point 1). It didn’t work. [li]Now I’m looking for the mayo and horseradish. There’s definitely something orangey scraped across the top of the butter. I can’t smell anything because of the smell of butter, but I’m assuming this is the promised condiment. See, the point of the mayo is to add moistness, as well as to convey flavour, and act as a vehicle for other seasonings. If you miss it out, or spread it to the depth of a single molecule, it won’t. There was no aroma of horseradish, either.[/li][li]Finally, the chicken. It is dry as a bleached Mojave desert skull, with the texture of toilet paper. It is somewhat orange in color. It too smells of butter.[/li] One of the many things it lacks is the slightest touch of cajun spices (I suspect they just sprayed the bits of chicken orange with food colouring). Does Momma actually know what “cajun” means? When sniffing or chewing this sandwich, do I find myself transported to a steamy bayou, munching down on fiery hush puppies and crapaud while listening to zydeco? Do I fuck. I am, in fact, transported to a butter factory on a Dublin industrial estate, a few yards from a corrupt bakery.[/ol]The whole managed to be both soggy and dry at the same time. How can this be? Well, the bread pulped immediately and stuck to the roof of my mouth, leaving me with slowly-melting shards of solid butter, against which slid tasteless unlubricated dry chicken pieces. Then my saliva hit it, and it turned merely into a claggy paste, cut through with liquified fat. Hmmm, now I’m starting to get it - mayo and spices = expensive; butter = cheap. The conniving bitch did the ol’ switcheroo. Momma lied to me. The only part of the label that was honest was the word “sandwich”, in that the bread-like substance did appear, for the most part, to surround the filling. But apart from that instance (which I suspect happened purely by serendipity) she has dissembled and obfuscated, and possibly poisoned me. I’m particularly aggrieved to have been suckered by the whole butter/mayo bait-and-switch routine. If I were labelling it in line with trades descriptions legislation, I’d have called it “butter and dirty bread slop sandwich with unidentifiable cardboard/meat pieces”. I can’t believe I paid €2.85 for this sorry pile of shite, and I can’t believe a chicken died to create it. ---
**Author:** ![kabbes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e99b99/32.png) [@kabbes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kabbes)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/2 "2003-06-13T13:08:41Z")
That’s bad-ass. Noone should mess with a man’s lunch. Least of all the person who was supposed to have done a proper job of making it. Remember - Marks and Spencer is your _friend_. pan ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/3 "2003-06-13T13:23:44Z")
Please tell me you didn’t actually _eat_ the whole sandwich. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/4 "2003-06-13T13:24:00Z")
I stopped buying sandwiches at gas stations when I gave half a sandwich to my dog, and he wouldn’t eat it. This is the dog that eats cat poop and vomit. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/5 "2003-06-13T13:26:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by neuroman \* > \*\*Please tell me you didn’t actually _eat_ the whole sandwich. \*\* I was hungry, and I couldn’t leave the office. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![manwithaplan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f1d935/32.png) [@manwithaplan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manwithaplan)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/6 "2003-06-13T13:33:51Z")
I too have danced the lunchtime tango with Momma. Never again. She left me with beard rash and she dropped the hand. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_Wright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Steve\_Wright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_Wright)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/7 "2003-06-13T13:41:01Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by jjimm \* > \*\* Then my saliva hit it, and it turned merely into a claggy paste, cut through with liquified fat._\* You know, I’ve been _thinking_ about getting myself a sig line … ---
**Author:** ![One\_And\_Only\_Wanderers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/838e76/32.png) [@One\_And\_Only\_Wanderers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/One_And_Only_Wanderers)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/8 "2003-06-13T13:41:24Z")
I was in Dublin last Thursday, and as it was a busy day, and we didn’t have the chance to pop out, myself and my colleague made the msitake of getting our sandwiches from the on-site vending machine. My tastebuds may never be the same again…I think i would havd preferred a BAD tasting sandwich. The monstrosity I was provided with (a chicken tikka wrap) actually managed to taset of nothing. it was like dining on cardboard (yes I did finish, I hadn’t eaten since 4.30 am and wasn’t due to get home til 9 pm)… Bleurrrgh! ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/9 "2003-06-13T13:43:36Z")
You are complaining about a _gas station sandwich_ in a country not normally noted for culinary excellence, and beyond this not only is it a gas station sandwich it’s a half hearted attempt to make a “Cajun Chicken” sandwich for an Irish gas station grab and go cooler. You’re alive. Count yourself lucky and move on. Brown bag it next time. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/10 "2003-06-13T13:45:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by neuroman \* > \*\*Please tell me you didn’t actually _eat_ the whole sandwich. \*\* Actually, my hipocrisy in this regard reminds me of something I once heard from Aussie comedian Rodney Rude, which went sort of like: "I was in a bar once and I met this ugly woman. Christ, she was ugly. She was the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen. The sort of bird you’d wake up in bed next to and gnaw your own arm off to avoid waking her up as you left. So anyway, after I’d fucked her…" ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/11 "2003-06-13T13:48:04Z")
I feel like I’m having a post-dempster conversation with Eric Robert Rudolph. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/12 "2003-06-13T13:49:41Z")
Dump dump, I meant dumpster! Christ, if there was one word I ought to be able to spell… ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/13 "2003-06-13T13:56:52Z")
I thought you meant Nigel Dempster, toadie to the royals, drunk driver, and [official liar](http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,3604,974952,00.html). ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/14 "2003-06-13T14:29:40Z")
I’m still reeling over the idea of an Irish company purporting to manufacture Cajun Chicken. As anyone knows, proper Cajun cooking has to be done by little old ladies from Thibodeaux or St. Martinsville Gobear (whose momma lives in a little town on Lake Pontchartrain and makes a tasty red beans and rice with real andouille sausage) ---
**Author:** ![AnnaLivia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/edb3f5/32.png) [@AnnaLivia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnnaLivia)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/15 "2003-06-13T15:31:26Z")
There was a pretty good Creole place back in Temple Bar, if I remember correctly. All I really remember was that it took a hellishly long amount of time and the people I was with made me pay far more than I should have for my share of the bill. My vote was for the Mongolian BBQ place. For sandwiches I used to hit O’Briens, seeing as it was so close to the Newman House (a only had a short break between classes for lunch). I had a bit of a thing for their salami and their brie and tomato. Expensive, but worth it. AL ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/16 "2003-06-13T15:33:58Z")
There still is one - Tante Zoe’s. Me, **Aro** , **Twisty** et al went there recently. They’ve fucked up the jambalaya recipe though. ---
**Author:** ![AnnaLivia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/edb3f5/32.png) [@AnnaLivia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnnaLivia)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/17 "2003-06-13T15:43:20Z")
That’s sad to hear they made a mess of it…But nice to know it’s there if I get back. I’ve tucked away the knowledge that Momma is a sandwich whore for future reference, as well. AL ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/18 "2003-06-13T15:53:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jjimm \* > **Now I’m looking for the mayo and horseradish. There’s definitely something orangey scraped across the top of the butter. I can’t smell anything because of the smell of butter, but I’m assuming this is the promised condiment.** :eek: Eeughh! As far as I know, neither mayonaisse nor horseradish is ever supposed to be “orangey”. Of course, I’ve never been to Ireland. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Saintly\_Loser](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saintly_loser/32/4045_2.png) [@Saintly\_Loser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saintly_Loser)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/19 "2003-06-13T15:58:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jjimm \* > **You might want butter in, say, a jam sandwich . . .** A butter and jam sandwich? I think I’d rather have Momma’s cajun chicken sandwich. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2003, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546/20 "2003-06-13T16:06:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lainaf \* > \*\*I stopped buying sandwiches at gas stations when I gave half a sandwich to my dog, and he wouldn’t eat it. This is the dog that eats cat poop and vomit. \*\* I have to say that I’m glad I’d finished my lunch before getting to this part! Cracked me up and grossed me out simultaneously! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/momma-the-whore-of-sandwich-babylon/181546.md?page=2)