# Monkubines: a business proposal **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 4, 2009, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247 "2009-08-04T01:26:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/21 "2009-08-04T03:43:59Z")
The only monkubine I would ever want is Jane Goodall. She’s a beautiful wimmens and brainy. [Sexy munkeywoman](http://www.wildchimpanzees.org/media/photo_gallery_jpg/goodall_26.jpg). ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/22 "2009-08-04T03:46:18Z")
If I had the money for all that surgery, I could either: a. get REAL chicks; or, alternatively b. use the money on surgery to make ME attractive, thus leading to a. (and I’d probably still have money left over, because human surgery has GOT to be cheaper) ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/23 "2009-08-04T04:31:14Z")
Gee, it’s almost like a monkey butler… but with sex. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/24 "2009-08-04T04:52:38Z")
No matter what the critter ended up looking like, I wouldn’t want it, because I couldn’t talk to it, or have any sort of real relationship with it. I’d still only be having sex with a critter. I’ll stick to a vibrator if it’s a choice between critters and appliances. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/25 "2009-08-04T05:04:58Z")
A monkey’s skull is inherently shaped different than a humans. There’s simply no way to make one look anything like a human without killing it. More importantly, monkeys are feral creatures and would almost certainly be a danger to provoke in such a way. If you want something docile, cute, and cuddly you’re going to have to go with domesticated animals or humans. Humans can be only three feet tall. You could start a breeding farm, killing them once they started to mature into a psychologically demolished state, or simply put them into a vegetative state via surgery/drugs. Gestation times are longer, but at least there’s a wider audience for humans. And if you opt for the killing side of things, you can always start a new brand of health food, Soylent Green. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/26 "2009-08-04T05:38:34Z")
> [@chorpler](#): > > This is somewhat similar to the whole “When we finally figure out artificial intelligence and can put one into a cloned human body, or can create robot bodies that are close enough to human to have sex with, will it be ethical to program an artificial intelligence to love having sex with you?” debate … but better because it involves the term “monkubines.” Dare I say it? Aw, hell: Band name! ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/27 "2009-08-04T05:44:08Z")
> [@SmashTheState](#): > > Would _you_ have any moral objection to having your own personal Brad Pitt, Scarlett Johansson, George Clooney, or Summer Glau at your sexual beck and call? Is it possible with modern medical science? And would it be legal? Moral objection: Yes Possible: No, and no time soon. Legal : No, due to both bestiality and animal cruelty laws I figure this is going to be some sort of panhandler/street person/ homeless activist/anticop metaphor (You won’t have sex with a monkubine for moral reasons, but you’ll let the government of Ontario…). If not, let’s talk the next step - how would you feel about monkubine’s working the street, or acting as panhandlers. By the way, I wish I’d thought of **Monkubine** as a username ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/28 "2009-08-04T05:53:35Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > You’d have creatures that looked physically human, but acted like apes. That sounds more creepy than erotic. Are you sure anyone would even be able to tell the difference? ---
**Author:** ![supergoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@supergoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/supergoose)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/29 "2009-08-04T06:13:14Z")
I came in here expecting a business proposal involving actual monks (the religious dudes) in some way, like there’s a subculture you wish to cater to that finds monks incredibly sexy. I’m a little disappointed. (Though I’m sure the subculture exists. There’s a subculture for everything.) ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/30 "2009-08-04T06:13:49Z")
I think the uncanniness would come from behavior as much as actual appearance. Would you like to spend time with some _thing_ that looks exactly like Scarlett Johansson or George Clooney, except massively retarded and staring at you with soulless vacant eyes and mouthing inarticulate gibberish? Now if Paris Hilton is more your thing, then more power to ya. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/31 "2009-08-04T06:20:06Z")
> [@supergoose](#): > > I came in here expecting a business proposal involving actual monks (the religious dudes) in some way, like there’s a subculture you wish to cater to that finds monks incredibly sexy. I’m a little disappointed. (Though I’m sure the subculture exists. There’s a subculture for everything.) There is a group of eunuch-transvestites who are the priest(ess) prostitutes of some Hindu deity. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/32 "2009-08-04T11:12:33Z")
SmashTheState, what you’ve just proposed is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent OP were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational business plan. Everyone on this board is now dumber for having read it. I recommend no individual or corporation invest any money in your proposal, and may God have mercy on your soul. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/33 "2009-08-04T12:32:46Z")
My recommendation is to take this idea to PETA. Y’all deserve each other. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/34 "2009-08-04T12:56:01Z")
Why kan’t you use the blind instead? We all cnow they kan’t be human. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/35 "2009-08-04T15:02:42Z")
> [@Ludovic](#): > > Why **kan’t** you use the blind instead? We all cnow they **kan’t** be human. (Bolding mine) You’re saying he’s a real pissant? ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/36 "2009-08-04T15:03:46Z")
I can’t really enjoy sex unless I’m objectifying women. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/37 "2009-08-04T17:48:45Z")
Worst idea I’ve ever seen proposed here. Maybe anywhere. Combines the worst aspects of Dr. Josef Mengele’s work with animal cruelty, slavery, perversion, objectification, glorification of plastic surgery, and the general descent of Man into degeneracy. ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/38 "2009-08-04T17:53:16Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > Worst idea I’ve ever seen proposed here. Maybe anywhere. Combines the worst aspects of Dr. Josef Mengele’s work with animal cruelty, slavery, perversion, objectification, glorification of plastic surgery, and the general descent of Man into degeneracy. Um, yeah. I’d have a huge moral problem with torturing an animal pure pleasure. And I don’t mean the sex, I mean the surgery. Even if it were possible to make an ape of any kind look remotely like a good-looking human, you’re are talking about years of massively painful plastic surgery. Leg-lengthening procedures involve breaking the bones & slowly pulling them apart so the empty spaces fill with bone. Like someone said above, if you had that much money you could find a really hot person willing to be with you. ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/39 "2009-08-04T17:59:41Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > SmashTheState, what you’ve just proposed is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent OP were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational business plan. Everyone on this board is now dumber for having read it. I recommend no individual or corporation invest any money in your proposal, and may God have mercy on your soul. On the other hand he did coin the term Monkubine, which I can’t say without cracking a smile. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2009, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247/40 "2009-08-04T18:01:48Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > Combines the worst aspects of Dr. Josef Mengele’s work with animal cruelty, slavery, perversion, objectification, glorification of plastic surgery, and the general descent of Man into degeneracy. Agreed. I think it will be a huge success. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monkubines-a-business-proposal/505247.md?page=3)