# Monopoly of power through moral outrage **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 23, 2011, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801 "2011-08-23T17:35:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/41 "2011-08-24T23:48:25Z")
You are the parent and what you say goes, and no back talk or disrespect of any kind. Be like a judge and allow no contempt in your “courtroom”. Disagreements with your decisions must be put in writing for an appeal when you calm down. I have no kids. Could you tell? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2011, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/42 "2011-08-24T23:54:38Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats](#): > > When she accuses you of being a bully, try some evil laughter. > > Then make her do whatever it is you’re trying to make her do. I usually say “I’m the Mom…its my job to bully you.” I also tell my kids when they say “he’s picking on me” - “that’s why we gave you a brother, so you’d grow a thicker skin.” ---
**Author:** ![shakabroh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@shakabroh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shakabroh)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/43 "2011-08-25T02:14:52Z")
> [@The\_Second\_Stone](#): > > You are the parent and what you say goes, and no back talk or disrespect of any kind. Be like a judge and allow no contempt in your “courtroom”. Disagreements with your decisions must be put in writing for an appeal when you calm down. > > I have no kids. Could you tell? Even out-of-the-box thinking like yours is good…though perhaps a little over-simplified for my situation. Thanks for trying nonetheless. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/44 "2011-08-25T03:10:46Z")
> [@Rekd](#): > > Sounds like your daughter is going to be a life-long liberal. 😃 you sure she’s not trying to be a victim like Glenn Beck? ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/45 "2011-08-25T03:38:20Z")
Sociopathy is heritable. Do you think it’s possible your daughter is a sociopath, too? Even if she’s not, she’s been the victim of a sociopath’s whims for her entire life. Of COURSE she’s going to be fucked up. I really think you guys should go to counseling. The internet has some good advice, but none of it can substitute for a doctor. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/46 "2011-08-25T05:18:45Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Sociopathy is heritable. Do you think it’s possible your daughter is a sociopath, too? > > Even if she’s not, she’s been the victim of a sociopath’s whims for her entire life. Of COURSE she’s going to be fucked up. I really think you guys should go to counseling. The internet has some good advice, but none of it can substitute for a doctor. I was wondering that, too. Did the professional who assessed your ex as a sociopath also assess your daughter? I think counselling for your daughter would be a very good idea, too - she’s got to be awfully confused about her feelings towards her mother. ---
**Author:** ![shakabroh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@shakabroh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shakabroh)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/47 "2011-08-25T07:15:02Z")
I agree with you guys. I think sociopathy (if you can call it) is like a vampire disease. My wife had it. The funny thing is that my wife didn’t always display the symptoms of a sociopath. And then around her 30’s I started to see it…and it got worse and worse. Finally I had to get away from her. I’m glad I did. Unfortunately my daughter didn’t get away. Anyway, what I mean to say is that I feel that my daughter has gotten ‘bitten by the vampire.’ I feel that she has the seeds growing in her to turn her into a vampire. It is horrible saying these things about your own flesh and blood. But sentimentalism is not going to solve my problems. Realism might. I agree with you guys. I feel my daughter is a sociopath in the making. This is nothing any parent should look forward to. Right now my daughter feels that she has life all figured out. She is far from feeling like she needs to go to counseling. She is proud of how manipulative she is. She sees it as one of her core strengths and the power she wields in the world. She feels that this is a power that few have. The funny thing is that she does have amazing people skills. She’s always had a gift of being able to size people up and interact with them in such a way as to be in their good graces. But, one day, like her mother, there will be a few people who will not be willing to continue to play according to her games. Perhaps like her mother she too will be bitter and alone. But by then it will be too late. I am reaching out to the resources I have. You guys are one of them. At the end of the day, if I come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do, I will cut my losses and move on. But these are words no parent is ever proud to utter. Untill I come to the conclusion otherwise, I will keep trying. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 9:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/48 "2011-08-25T09:34:30Z")
> [@dangermom](#): > > Yes, slow and quiet is huge. I have found that it works very well. Humor can help too. Sometimes a bit of relief for the situation, and then you can go back to the main issue a bit more calmly. I once used this with someone who had a pattern of blowing up in towering rants if she saw that she wasn’t getting her way. She did this once, and as everyone sat there in shocked silence after this, I said _Barbara, you’re just so cute when you get all angry._ Then it was her turn to sit there in shocked, or maybe enraged silence, while others laughed, and the Chair brought the discussion back to the motion under consideration. Now she was a grown woman (40+ year old), instead of a teenager. She sometimes acted like one, but she could learn. For as long as she was on the Board of Directors of that organization, she didn’t fly into rages like this at Board Meetings anymore. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/49 "2011-08-25T13:23:19Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > TL;DR version: it is too late. Go into damage control mode so she does not cause undue pain to you and other members of the household. Please don’t do this. Get her some professional help first. ---
**Author:** ![puddleglum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puddleglum/32/137_2.png) [@puddleglum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puddleglum)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/50 "2011-08-25T16:25:01Z")
If she is a sociopath then therapy will probably not help and may hurt. However, after being married to a sociopath you are probably extra sensitive to sociopath like behavior and may be jumping to a conclusion. One of the only ways that has been shown to help sociopath is to rationally invite them to look at how their behavior has worked out. Your ex is brilliant at manipulating people and she is bitter and alone. You are a decent non-manipulative person with a loving family and a good job. It sounds like the sociopathic behavior has not worked out for your ex. Your daughter is probably old enough to look at her mother’s life and decide if that is how she wants to end up. Rejecting her mother’s manipulative ways does not mean rejecting her mother. You can love someone and hate a part of their personality, like a relative of an alcoholic does. Your daughter will probably never hate her mother the way you do, but can acknowledge the wreck her mother is. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/51 "2011-08-25T16:30:37Z")
> [@shakabroh](#): > > When you’re dealing with mature people, there is give and take and you come to an understanding. But when you’re dealing with an immature person… you need to take a very different approach than one in which you deal with someone mature. > I almost feel like she knows that if she were to engage in a mature conversation, that she has no grounds to act. > > She thrives in the yelling and screaming and chaos of it all. I don’t. When things escalate to yelling and screaming, she’s in her element. I’m not. “I’ve got a hearing problem. When you yell at me/whine/don’t vocalize/speak like the Cussing Smurf, I can’t understand a thing you say!” Works with my nephews, with my mom, with grandma… ---
**Author:** ![shakabroh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@shakabroh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shakabroh)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/52 "2011-08-25T18:55:49Z")
> [@t-bonham@scc.net](#): > > Humor can help too. Sometimes a bit of relief for the situation, and then you can go back to the main issue a bit more calmly. > > I once used this with someone who had a pattern of blowing up in towering rants if she saw that she wasn’t getting her way. She did this once, and as everyone sat there in shocked silence after this, I said _Barbara, you’re just so cute when you get all angry._ Then it was her turn to sit there in shocked, or maybe enraged silence, while others laughed, and the Chair brought the discussion back to the motion under consideration. > > Now she was a grown woman (40+ year old), instead of a teenager. She sometimes acted like one, but she could learn. For as long as she was on the Board of Directors of that organization, she didn’t fly into rages like this at Board Meetings anymore. I like this. I will try it. Yesterday, listening to all your advice, I sat down at a park, closed my eyes and visualized my daughter in one of emotionally filled rants. I could feel myself tightening up within myself even as I visualized. But I knew I was in a safe place within myself. I think I need to do more of this and visualize myself gracefully extricating myself from these emotional tight spots. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of doing this before. Taking myself through very emotionally trying situations in my own privacy. Kind of exercising myself…or stress testing myself, if you will. Cuz you know that if I can’t even do this when I am in the privacy of my own queit company, I sure as heck won’t be able to do it with her yelling and screaming all over me. I need to take back the power that I have given her up being able to push my buttons. ---
**Author:** ![shakabroh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@shakabroh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shakabroh)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/53 "2011-08-25T19:00:16Z")
> [@puddleglum](#): > > If she is a sociopath then therapy will probably not help and may hurt. However, after being married to a sociopath you are probably extra sensitive to sociopath like behavior and may be jumping to a conclusion. One of the only ways that has been shown to help sociopath is to rationally invite them to look at how their behavior has worked out. Your ex is brilliant at manipulating people and she is bitter and alone. You are a decent non-manipulative person with a loving family and a good job. It sounds like the sociopathic behavior has not worked out for your ex. Your daughter is probably old enough to look at her mother’s life and decide if that is how she wants to end up. Rejecting her mother’s manipulative ways does not mean rejecting her mother. You can love someone and hate a part of their personality, like a relative of an alcoholic does. Your daughter will probably never hate her mother the way you do, but can acknowledge the wreck her mother is. I like where you’re going with this. Please tell me more. Give me more specifics. ---
**Author:** ![shakabroh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@shakabroh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shakabroh)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/54 "2011-08-25T19:02:27Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > Strongly, strongly recommended: [Back In Control](http://www.amazon.com/Back-Control-Gregory-Bodenhamer/dp/067176165X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314215993&sr=8-1) by Gregory Bodenhamer. Probably wouldn’t hurt to buy [Parent in Control](http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Control-Restore-Relationship-Adolescent/dp/0684807777/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b)as well; it deals with the younger kids. BiC deals with the teens. > > Did I mention that I strongly recommend these books? I have adopted several of his suggestions in my teaching techniques. Thank you for the book recommendation, I’ll look into it. ---
**Author:** ![shakabroh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@shakabroh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shakabroh)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/55 "2011-08-25T19:03:50Z")
> [@curious11](#): > > At work we had to take Non-Defensive Communication classes based on a book by Sharon Ellison, “Don’t Be So Defensive!” and “Taking the War Out of Our Words.” The book has many examples of manipulation and how to defuse situations with quiet questions. > > ! Thank you for the book recommendation, I’ll look into it. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2011, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/56 "2011-08-25T19:39:46Z")
Pretty much all teenagers fit the description of sociopath. Some grow out of it. ---
**Author:** ![shakabroh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@shakabroh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shakabroh)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2011, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801/57 "2011-08-30T22:46:13Z")
I need help coping with passive aggression. If anyone can give me any advice, I would be grateful. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monopoly-of-power-through-moral-outrage/593801.md?page=2)