Monty Python non sequitur thread

Dad… it’s the man from ‘The Hay Wain’ by Constable to see you.

Tungsten carbide drills! What the bloody hell’s tungsten carbide drills?

But it’s my only line!

You’re all bloody fancy talk since you left London.

Opening titles
THE PANTOMIME HORSE IS A SECRET AGENT FILM.
WRITTEN BY TALBOT ROTHWELL AND MIREILLE MATHIEU.
BASED ON AN IDEA BY EDWARD VII.
DIRECTED BY QUEEN JULIANA OF THE NETHERLANDS.
PRODUCED BY SIR ALEC DOUGLAS-HOME AND KING HAAKON OF NORWAY.
A CORPSE-HAKKON PRODUCTION.

He’s had a hard day, dear; his new play opens at the National Theatre tomorrow.

Well one day I was sitting at home threatening the kids, and I looked out of the hole in the wall and sees this tank drive up and one of Dinsdale’s boys gets out and he comes up, all nice and friendly like, and says Dinsdale wants to have a talk with me. So he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale’s. And Dinsdale’s there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers and a man they called ‘Kierkegaard’, who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and Dinsdale sayd ‘I hear you’ve been a naughty boy Clement’ and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out, and I said my name’s not Clement and then he loses his temper and nails my head to the floor.

I’m not dead!

Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their country, they began to operate what they called “The Operation.” They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the so-called protection money. Four months later, they started another operation which they called “The Other Operation.” In this racket, they selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn’t pay them. One month later, they hit upon “The Other Other Operation.” In this, the victim was threatened that if he didn’t pay them, they would beat him up. This, for the Piranha Brothers, was the turning point.

I think I’ll go for a walk!

As their empire spread however, we in Q Division were keeping tabs on their every move by reading the colour supplements.

You’re not fooling anybody, you know.

I remember Doug was very keen on boxing, but when he learned to walk he took up putting the boot in the groin. He was very interested in that. His mother had a terrible job getting him to come in for tea. Putting his little boot in he’d be, bless him. All the kids were like that then; they didn’t have their heads stuffed with all this Cartesian dualism.

No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O’Tracy.

It is easy for us to judge Dinsdale Piranha too harshly. After all he only did what many of us simply dream of doing… (tic…controls himself) I’m sorry. After all a murderer is only an extroverted suicide. Dinsdale was a looney, but he was a happy looney. Lucky bastard.

But our sales would plummet!

We are here today to witness the opening of a new box to replace the box which used to stand at the corner of Ulverston Road and Sandwood Crescent. Owing to the road-widening programme carried out by the Borough Council, the Ulverston Road box was removed, leaving the wall box in Esher Road as the only box for the Ulverston Road area. This new box will enable the people of the Ulverston Road area to post letters, post-cards and small packages without recourse to the Esher Road box or to the box outside the post office at Turner’s Parade which many people used to use, but which has now been discontinued owing to the opening of this box and also the re-organization of box distribution throughout the whole area, which comes into force with the opening of new boxes at the Wyatt Road Post Office in July.

I think it’s be more appropriate if the box bore a great red label warning “LARK’S VOMIT.”

Sshh, dear, don’t cause a fuss. I’ll have your spam.