# Monty Python\`s LOTR **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 19, 2002, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039 "2002-03-19T14:04:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![adent2003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df788c/32.png) [@adent2003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adent2003)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/61 "2003-01-15T18:46:12Z")
… a Balrog with a wizard’s staff up his nose. ---
**Author:** ![adent2003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df788c/32.png) [@adent2003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adent2003)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/62 "2003-01-15T18:51:22Z")
Sam: I want to be called Loretta! ---
**Author:** ![Kilt-wearin\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/82dd89/32.png) [@Kilt-wearin\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilt-wearin_man)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/63 "2003-01-15T20:32:30Z")
Sauron, standing on a balcony: “Mowrdwor is your _fwiend!_” (just building on **jr8** ’s brilliance…) “I am Aragorn, Heir of Gondor!” “Heir of _who?_” “Heir of Gondor!” “Well, I didn’t vote for ya!” “You don’t vote for heirs!” “Well, 'ow do you become heir, then?” And so on… “How not to be seen…Boromir of Gondor is hiding behind this bush. Please stand up, Boromir…\” ---
**Author:** ![NicePete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ee7513/32.png) [@NicePete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NicePete)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/64 "2003-01-15T21:09:40Z")
I did two on page [five](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=138905&pagenumber=5) of the original thread. Sorry I don’t know how to link to individual posts, but they’re toward the bottom. ---
**Author:** ![adent2003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df788c/32.png) [@adent2003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adent2003)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/65 "2003-01-15T21:13:17Z")
That was the first lesson on How not to be Seen! Don’t Stand Up! Mr Took of the Shire is also hiding behind this bush. Mr Took, stand up, please! \. Mr Took has learned the first lesson on How not to be seen. However, he chose an obvious piece of covor \ Thanks for the inspiration, Kilt-wearin’ man! ---
**Author:** ![adent2003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df788c/32.png) [@adent2003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adent2003)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/66 "2003-01-15T21:25:31Z")
(Outside the gates of Mordor where we find Frodo, Sam and Gollum watch the gates close in front of them.) Sam: Mr. Frodo, I think I have a plan! (Cutaway to shot of the hills where we hear sounds of various power tools. Next we see the Trojan Rabbit being wheeled to the gate. Soldiers open the gate and take the Rabbit inside. Frodo, Sam, and Gollum look on from the hills) Frodo: Okay, Sam. What’s the plan. Sam: Well, you, Gollum and I… leap out of the rabbit. Frodo: Who leaps out of the rabbit? Sam: You, Gollum and I. (Frodo smacks Sam in the back of the head. Next they hear the sound of a catapult being launched and they see the rabbit is flying towards them.) All: Run Awaaaaaay! Run Awaaaay! ---
**Author:** ![goonhead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ebca7d/32.png) [@goonhead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/goonhead)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/67 "2003-01-15T21:32:06Z")
And now for something completely different: an orc with three buttocks! * * * **Wiffin Poofs** Tolkien in his first book wrote about wrote about, Tolkien in his first book wrote about wrote about wrote about he wrote about hobbits! **Announcer:** I’m afraid we didn’t have a winner in the summarize Tolkien competition, so we’ve decided to give the prize to the girl with the biggest tits! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/68 "2003-01-15T22:15:59Z")
Mi sÿster vås stæbbed bĭ å Ňazgůl wøns… ---
**Author:** ![adent2003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df788c/32.png) [@adent2003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adent2003)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2003, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/69 "2003-01-15T22:31:04Z")
We apoligize the previous subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked and thrown into the Crack of Doom. ---
**Author:** ![Kilt-wearin\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/82dd89/32.png) [@Kilt-wearin\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilt-wearin_man)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/70 "2003-01-16T15:22:16Z")
I put one on page 27 (good lord!) of the [Monster Thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=138905&perpage=50&pagenumber=27) so I’ll refrain from re-posting it, but I’ll give highlights… _Balrog_ “What…is your NAME?” _Gandalf_ “Gandalf the Grey.” _Balrog_ “What…is your QUEST?” _Gandalf_ “To cast the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom!” _Balrog_ “What…is in my POCKET?” _Gandalf_ “I don’t know THAT! AAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!!!” _Gandalf is cast into the chasm_ ---
**Author:** ![adent2003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df788c/32.png) [@adent2003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adent2003)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/71 "2003-01-16T16:54:27Z")
No. 24… The Ent. * * * Mr Frodo Baggins of Bag End of the Shire is attempting to be the first hobbit to cross the Misty Mountains on a tricycle. His tricycle has the 6" steel hull, 24 first class cabins and a radar scanner. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/72 "2003-01-16T16:58:57Z")
Welcome to “On Literature.” I’m your host, Melvin Wright. Our guest today is J.R.R. “Two Sheds” Tolkien. ---
**Author:** ![adent2003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df788c/32.png) [@adent2003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adent2003)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/73 "2003-01-16T17:20:05Z")
Elrond: One day, my dear daughter, all of this will be yours. Arwen: What, the curtains! Elrond: No, not the bloody curtains! ---
**Author:** ![adent2003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df788c/32.png) [@adent2003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adent2003)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/74 "2003-01-16T17:23:21Z")
Hallo, Mum! Hallo, Dad! There’s a dead orc on the landing! What’s his allegence? Saurumon! It’s tatooed on the back of his neck! ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2003, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/75 "2003-01-16T17:29:48Z")
Mÿnd yů, Ňazgŭl stæbs kan bï nāsti… ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2003, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/76 "2003-01-17T03:17:52Z")
tracer: specious delicious ravenous ---
**Author:** ![amy\_attorney](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47774/32.png) [@amy\_attorney](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amy_attorney)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2003, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/77 "2003-01-17T03:32:32Z")
(originally posted by me on the big monster thread over yonder…) Outside the gates of Mordor… Gollum: Master, I havesss an idea… (cut to view of soldiers outside the Black Gate, looking bored) (cut to view of pastoral scene of trees… sounds of hammering, axes, and finally a chainsaw) (cut to view of large wooden rabbit…er, coney…being wheeled up to the Black Gate and being taken inside) (cut to view of Gollum, Frodo and Sam looking down at the Black Gate from the nearby hillside) Frodo: and now what happens, Smeagol? Smeagol: Now, you, Ssssam, and I, we waits until dark…then we hopsss out of the rabbit, catching Ssssauron’s armies in their sleep! Not only in their sleep, but totally by surprise! Sam: WHO leaps out? (Frodo smacks his head) Gollum: Perhaps if we built a large wooden Nazgul… (scene fades) ---
**Author:** ![HDS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/bb73d2/32.png) [@HDS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HDS)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2003, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/78 "2003-01-17T03:42:42Z")
_picture of Tom Bombadil_ Sir Not Appearing in This Film ---
**Author:** ![adent2003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df788c/32.png) [@adent2003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adent2003)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2003, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/79 "2003-01-17T19:22:43Z")
The Nazgul on your television set will now explode! ---
**Author:** ![adent2003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df788c/32.png) [@adent2003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adent2003)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2003, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039/80 "2003-01-17T22:27:28Z")
(Gandalf, having defeated the Balrog, lies on his back exhausted. The camera comes in for a close up to Gandalf’s face) Gandalf: It’s… (Cue Liberty Bell March)… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/monty-python-s-lotr/99039.md?page=5)