# Moral dilemma of sorts. What's the right thing to do in this situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 1, 2013, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872 "2013-11-01T20:21:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tanhauser\_Gate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@Tanhauser\_Gate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tanhauser_Gate)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/1 "2013-11-01T20:21:56Z")
Met a girl about 4 years ago, had a one night stand, things didn’t really work out–nothing dramatic happened but things ended a bit distastefully and we didn’t stay in touch. She lives in a different city. Fastforward to the present. I’m friends with a guy for about a year and I absolutely adore the guy, he’s great fun on nights out, he’s well-grounded, and he’s a great conversationalist and we see eye to eye on almost everything. I value good people like that, they’re hard to find. The other night we were out at a bar and he said his sisters were on the way over. You can see where this is going. One of the sisters was the girl I’d hooked up with. I can’t be 100% sure that she remembers me, but she almost certainty does. Do I keep my mouth shut, or do I take my friend aside and just tell him so everything’s above board? The worry is she’s tell him, and then I’ll seem like a liar. I’d hate for something like this to sour our friendship. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/2 "2013-11-01T20:27:59Z")
> [@Tanhauser\_Gate](#): > > Fastforward to the present. I’m friends with a guy for about a year and I absolutely adore the guy, What the heck straight man says he “absolutely adores” his male buddy? > [@](#): > > Do I keep my mouth shut, or do I take my friend aside and just tell him so everything’s above board? The worry is she’s tell him, and then I’ll seem like a liar. I’d hate for something like this to sour our friendship. Ask the girl what she wants to do, if you have a way of getting in touch with her without asking your friend for her info. ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/3 "2013-11-01T20:37:22Z")
> [@Tanhauser\_Gate](#): > > Do I keep my mouth shut, or do I take my friend aside and just tell him so everything’s above board? The worry is she’s tell him, and then I’ll seem like a liar. I’d hate for something like this to sour our friendship. Why would you seem like a liar? What did you say before? You say it ended distastefully. By that, do you mean you were an ass? It sort of sounds to me like this woman knows a little bit more about your personality than her brother and that worries you. I would recommend working on being the guy the brother knows and not the cad the girl remembers. ---
**Author:** ![Tanhauser\_Gate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@Tanhauser\_Gate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tanhauser_Gate)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/4 "2013-11-01T20:37:27Z")
@ bbery, Alright that does sound a bit flaming, I suppose I’m trying to convey that he’s not just a casual acquaintance despite only knowing him about a year ---
**Author:** ![Tanhauser\_Gate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8491ac/32.png) [@Tanhauser\_Gate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tanhauser_Gate)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/5 "2013-11-01T20:41:06Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > Why would you seem like a liar? What did you say before? You say it ended distastefully. By that, do you mean you were an ass? It sort of sounds to me like this woman knows a little bit more about your personality than her brother and that worries you. I would recommend working on being the guy the brother knows and not the cad the girl remembers. I’d seem like a liar by not telling him, like a lie of omission. No, the brother knows me well. The only important variable is that this is his sister. ---
**Author:** ![Redshirt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@Redshirt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Redshirt)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/6 "2013-11-01T20:49:48Z")
To keep it above board you could mention you had previously met the sister. To keep it appropriate you don’t have to say much more than that. “We had a date, it didn’t work out, we haven’t kept in touch. It was nice to see her again.” ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/7 "2013-11-01T21:01:55Z")
I think it would be weird not to tell him. Just be up front and say you dated her a few years ago and that it didn’t end all that well. Almost everyone has bad breakups. If you were an ass, hopefully you’ve become a better person and he knows that. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/8 "2013-11-01T21:02:31Z")
Talking to the girl would be the thing to do. It isn’t really her brother’s business so do whatever you and she can agree upon, if anything. If she talks to her brother by herself it’s not really your problem either, and if the guy decides to hate you then he wasn’t much of friend. This kind of thing wasn’t as common in my day when dinosaurs roamed the earth, but I don’t see the younger folk having much of a problem with it now. ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/9 "2013-11-01T21:06:18Z")
To keep things above board and avoid any awkwardness, make sure you use lots of air quotes when you talk to him about it. 'Clarence, I just wanted to tell you that I “know” your sister." ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/10 "2013-11-01T21:07:52Z")
> [@Tanhauser\_Gate](#): > > @ bbery, Alright that does sound a bit flaming, I suppose I’m trying to convey that he’s not just a casual acquaintance despite only knowing him about a year Okay 🙂 I just got a kick out of it. I wasn’t making fun in a mean way. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/11 "2013-11-01T21:15:08Z")
“Ha! No way! Your sis and I dated a few years ago! Dunno why it never went anywhere, she is one heck of a woman. Cool to see her again.” That should be fine, and it doesn’t necessarily say “I banged your sister”. But… what was the distasteful part? Because you might have to plan what to say if he asks further questions, and yes, coordinate that with her. Depending on what happened…? ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/12 "2013-11-01T21:57:50Z")
> [@Tanhauser\_Gate](#): > > I’d seem like a liar by not telling him, like a lie of omission. The only way it would be a lie of omission is if the guy had said, “Hey my two sisters are coming over and I sure hope you’ve never banged one of them in the past.” And then you said nothing. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/13 "2013-11-01T22:00:05Z")
You didn’t cheat on her with the other sister did you? Or with their Mom? That would be bad. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/14 "2013-11-01T22:11:22Z")
> [@SmellMyWort](#): > > You didn’t cheat on her with the other sister did you? Or with their Mom? That would be bad. Duh. With the brother. He _ **adores** _ him!! J/k. I thought it was cute that you said it that way. ---
**Author:** ![Thylacine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thylacine/32/1143_2.png) [@Thylacine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thylacine)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2013, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/15 "2013-11-01T22:31:50Z")
Another vote for check with the sister, brothers can be funny about the sexual lives of sisters, he may think she is waiting for marriage or something. If sister doesn’t want anything said, say nothing. ---
**Author:** ![HereToHelp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a87d85/32.png) [@HereToHelp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HereToHelp)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/16 "2013-11-02T20:27:01Z")
You could just say that you met his sister and went out with her once, you think. Then just see what he says. Don’t drag it out. Honesty is the best policy. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Habeed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a587f6/32.png) [@Habeed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Habeed)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/17 "2013-11-02T20:32:31Z")
> [@HereToHelp](#): > > You could just say that you met his sister and went out with her once, you think. Then just see what he says. Don’t drag it out. Honesty is the best policy. 🙂 Brother : “so did you fuck my sister” You : “Erm, I don’t remember” Brother : “My sister was such a lousy lay that you don’t remember!” Ass beating commences. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/18 "2013-11-02T22:20:41Z")
“Every sister I haven’t slept with, take one step back. Not so fast, Stephanie…” 😃 I think **Redshirt** nailed it (no pun intended). ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2013, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/19 "2013-11-02T23:56:10Z")
I’d be curious to hear from our female dopers about what they’d prefer the op would do if they were the sister, and do you, as the female, say anything? ---
**Author:** ![Obnoxious\_Hood\_Ornament](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/3be4f8/32.png) [@Obnoxious\_Hood\_Ornament](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Obnoxious_Hood_Ornament)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2013, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872/20 "2013-11-03T02:25:02Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > To keep things above board and avoid any awkwardness, make sure you use lots of air quotes when you talk to him about it. > > 'Clarence, I just wanted to tell you that I “know” your sister." Don’t forget to add the obligatory “, in the biblical sense.” to make sure the moment is perfect 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/moral-dilemma-of-sorts-whats-the-right-thing-to-do-in-this-situation/672872.md?page=2)