# Morbid jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 6, 2008, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264 "2008-05-06T05:20:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 7:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/21 "2008-05-07T07:49:20Z")
I wasn’t sure whether to post this until I read some of the others. A 40-year old man and a 10-year old boy are walking into the woods together after dark. The boy says, “Gee, Mister, I’m scared!” The man says, “You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk out of here alone.” Here’s another one not so morbid, but pretty gross: 😃 A drunk party guest approaches his host and asks, “Hey, do you have green toilet paper that says, ‘Fuck you!’?” His host replies, “No, I don’t.” The drunk responds, “Well then, I must have wiped my ass with your parakeet.” ---
**Author:** ![pretend\_my\_name\_is\_witty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b9e5f3/32.png) [@pretend\_my\_name\_is\_witty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pretend_my_name_is_witty)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/22 "2008-05-07T08:01:32Z")
Not morbid, but most of the jokes here are just tasteless as these threads always end up, so here’s mine… \*In my family, we call my Grandad ‘Spiderman’… …he hasn’t got any super-powers, he just finds it tough getting out of the bath\* ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/23 "2008-05-07T13:37:51Z")
[QUOTE=Derleth] How many Jews can you fit in a VW Beetle? Plenty, once you’ve cleaned out all the Palestinians. [/QUOTE] I thought it was “four in the seats and 12 in the ashtray”. Sorry, I’m just repeating what I heard on The Dope. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/24 "2008-05-07T14:32:40Z")
What’s black and white and red all over and can’t get through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/25 "2008-05-07T14:38:29Z")
[Jack Handey](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Handey) is always a good source of morbid jokes. > [@Jack Handey](#): > > I think it’s tragic that whole families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. ---
**Author:** ![Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de053/32.png) [@Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackknifed_Juggernaut)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/26 "2008-05-07T14:47:54Z")
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!” “Then this month,…” continued, the friend, “Nothing! Not a single dime!” ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/27 "2008-05-07T15:09:50Z")
Remember the “Mommy, Mommy!” jokes? “Mommy, Mommy! There’s a bruise on Grandma’s leg!” “Shut up and eat around it.” ---
**Author:** ![Flander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8c91f0/32.png) [@Flander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flander)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/28 "2008-05-07T15:14:26Z")
Two lovers are naked in bed, getting frisky. The guy says, “Honey, I love you so much. Let me do anal.” She is hesitant, but agrees. At first he’s gentile. But after a few minutes, she stops him, 'Oww! It kinda hurts." He says, “It’s ok, it will feel better in a bit.” A few more minutes pass and he starts getting into it, kinda rough. “AAhhh, It hurts! I think we should stop,” she says. “Oh come on! I love you! Please let me do this. If you love me, you’ll let me!”, he replies. She concents. Now he’s really driving it home. Just before he’s about to cum, she screams, “Stop!! We have to stop. I can’t take it anymore! The pain is EXCRUCIATING!!!” “Excruciating!!!..” That’s a big word for an eight year old! ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/29 "2008-05-07T15:27:23Z")
“Mommy, Mommy! I can’t stop running in circles!” “Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.” What’s grosser than a pile of dead babies? A live one on the bottom eating its way out. What’s black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white, black and blue? A nun falling down the stairs. ---
**Author:** ![ChiefScott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58f4c7/32.png) [@ChiefScott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChiefScott)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/30 "2008-05-07T15:30:17Z")
[QUOTE=Flander] … At first he’s gentile. [/QUOTE] Wow. Who’da thunk screwing 8-year-olds turns you Jewish. ---
**Author:** ![Flander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8c91f0/32.png) [@Flander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flander)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/31 "2008-05-07T16:11:20Z")
[QUOTE=ChiefScott] Wow. Who’da thunk screwing 8-year-olds turns you Jewish. [/QUOTE] Speaking of which… What’s the difference between a pizza and a jew? The pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/32 "2008-05-07T17:25:49Z")
What’s black and white and black and off-white and black and beige and black and brown and black and black? A nun on a spit. On a scale of one to ten, how old is Michael Jackson’s boyfriend? ---
**Author:** ![Sunrazor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sunrazor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunrazor)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/33 "2008-05-07T17:46:25Z")
Avid golfer is recounting the horrible day he had golfing with his wife: “Things went fine on the front nine, but two strokes into the tenth, Mildred just dropped dead. Dead, I tell you! There was simply no reviving her!” “Omigod, that must have been absolutely awful!” his friend sympathizes. “I can’t tell you how godawful it was. Eight holes of hit the ball, drag Mildred, hit the ball, drag Mildred!” ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/34 "2008-05-07T18:58:04Z")
What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. ---
**Author:** ![nikonikosuru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5f8ce5/32.png) [@nikonikosuru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nikonikosuru)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/35 "2008-05-07T22:45:11Z")
One day, a mother and her three daughters were playing in the park. The first daughter, Rose, ran up to her mother and yelled: “Mommy mommy! Why did you name me Rose?” The mother kissed her on the forehead and replied “Because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head and I knew right then to name you so.” The girl, content with this, runs back off to play. The second daughter, Daisy, ran up to her mother and yelled: “Mommy mommy! Why did you name me Daisy?” The mother kissed her on the forehead and replied “Because when you were born, a daisy petal fell on your head and I knew right then to name you so.” The girl, content with this, runs back off to play. The last daughter, Brick, ran up to her mother and yelled: “GAughghghhhghghghghghhfghtthhhhgh!” ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2008, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/36 "2008-05-07T23:25:10Z")
[QUOTE=nikonikosuru] The last daughter, Brick, ran up to her mother and yelled: “GAughghghhhghghghghghhfghtthhhhgh!” [/QUOTE] 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/37 "2008-05-08T01:14:13Z")
A guy goes to the doctor’s surgery for a checkup. The doctor tells him, “I’m sorry, I have two pieces of bad news. The first is that you’ve got Alzheimers disease.” The guy says, “What’s the second piece of bad news?” The doctor replies, “You’ve got cancer and you’ll be dead inside 3 months.” The guy says, “Well, at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease.” ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/38 "2008-05-08T01:17:02Z")
[QUOTE=nikonikosuru] The last daughter, Brick, ran up to her mother and yelled: “GAughghghhhghghghghghhfghtthhhhgh!” [/QUOTE] That was incredibly tasteless and offensive. Keep 'em coming! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/39 "2008-05-08T01:23:13Z")
In old westerns, when a baby is being born, why does the birth assistant always call for hot water? (Warning: in exceedingly bad taste!) To make soup in case things don’t go well. ---
**Author:** ![nikonikosuru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5f8ce5/32.png) [@nikonikosuru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nikonikosuru)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2008, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264/40 "2008-05-08T02:11:05Z")
[QUOTE=Freudian Slit] That was incredibly tasteless and offensive. [/QUOTE] Thank you. 😃 I sent this to my brother when he was in basic training and he almost got in trouble for laughing out loud, heheh. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-jokes/448264.md?page=3)