# Morbid TV Humor: Who Would You Kill on...The Simpsons **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [December 12, 2005, 8:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-tv-humor-who-would-you-kill-on-the-simpsons/335234 "2005-12-12T08:48:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-tv-humor-who-would-you-kill-on-the-simpsons/335234/21 "2005-12-12T21:17:30Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#): > > Hmm. That’s a good point. And it would be a good way to introduce a new character for Burns’ new sidekick, as voiced by Christopher Lee. Lee already played a wannabe Ruler of Middle Earth in LotR, so he could be the Machiavellian schemer assistant to Monty Burns. I like it. Of course, I like Christopher Lee in anything. ---
**Author:** ![Rodgers01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@Rodgers01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodgers01)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2005, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-tv-humor-who-would-you-kill-on-the-simpsons/335234/22 "2005-12-12T21:19:20Z")
> [@Ponder Stibbons](#): > > Hmm. That’s a good point. And it would be a good way to introduce a new character for Burns’ new sidekick, as voiced by Christopher Lee. Lee already played a wannabe Ruler of Middle Earth in LotR, so he could be the Machiavellian schemer assistant to Monty Burns. > > The new character would be named Dick Cheney. No, that’s been done. Umm. I’ll just call him “Fred” because I can’t think of anything. > > Fred gets introduced as a Federal Nuclear Power Plant Inspector who, of course, finds the many things wrong with the plant. At first he seems unbribeable, an Elliot Ness type. But then a series of things go wrong at the plant, culminating with the mysterious disappearance of Smithers. We eventually find he’s been stuffed in with the fuel rods in the containment chamber itself. Really grisley. Fred then tells Monty that he’ll meet the same fate if he doesn’t play ball. The deal is, of course, a nice fat bribe and a new job as Burns assistant. > > Watch out for future episodes where Fred tries to do in Burns in all sorts of fascinating ways, only to be foiled again and again. Kind of like watching SS Bob trying to kill Bart, only funnier. Very good, though perhaps instead of Fred they should bring back Karl, Homer’s one-off assistant (in the episode in which Homer grows hair and gets promoted) voiced by Harvey Feierstein – that guy was pretty scheming, and he was even more openly, flamboyantly gay than Smithers. A love triangle sub-plot, anyone? ---
**Author:** ![Zahava424](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/76d3ee/32.png) [@Zahava424](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zahava424)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-tv-humor-who-would-you-kill-on-the-simpsons/335234/23 "2005-12-13T02:08:07Z")
I definitely second the death of Hans Moleman. He’s just depressing, and I don’t think he’s funny. Of course, in keeping with the character, he’d have some intensely pathetic death-- Getting a letter bomb on valentine’s day after thinking someone cared enough about him to send him something. ---
**Author:** ![Diceman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Diceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diceman)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-tv-humor-who-would-you-kill-on-the-simpsons/335234/24 "2005-12-13T03:11:55Z")
Manner of death is important, eh? OK, try this: Smithers finally “comes out,” and tells Mr. Burns that he’d give anything to be his lover. Burns thinks about it for a second, and then shrugs and says "Oh, why the hell not? It’ll be the most action I’ve had in decades. But I insist on being the ‘top.’ " Cue romantic music and a parody scene in which Burns and Smithers run through fields and do all kinds of other stereotypical couple-in-love stuff. As the sun sets, Smithers carries Burns over the threshold of Burns’ mansion. The next morning, Smithers is feeling ill, so he goes to see the doctor. Remember that episode where Burns learns that he has every disease known to man, but he hasn’t died because they’re all in balance? Well, Smithers has just contracted every sexually-transmitted disease known to man! But he doesn’t have any of the non-STD’s to balance them out, so he’s doomed. Upon learning this, Smithers becomes morose and asks the doc how much time he has left. The doctor checks his watch and says, “I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long.” Smithers screams, and then he decays away to dust, just like that Nazi guy at the end of _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade._ Later, the doctor walks into Burns’ office and hands him a Zip-loc bag containing Smither’s remains. Burns falls into a suicidal depression and, deciding to go out with a bang, he tries to cause the nuclear reactor to explode. Homer stops the meltdown (through dumb luck, of course) but Burns ends up getting mutated into some sort of grotesque inhuman freak, which escapes into the woods. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-tv-humor-who-would-you-kill-on-the-simpsons/335234/25 "2005-12-13T04:59:08Z")
No one’s mentioned Patty and Selma? Of course the likeliest death there is lung cancer . . . not entertaining enough . . . Hey, did they ever out Patty as gay? ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-tv-humor-who-would-you-kill-on-the-simpsons/335234/26 "2005-12-13T05:08:32Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > No one’s mentioned Patty and Selma? Of course the likeliest death there is lung cancer . . . not entertaining enough . . . Hey, did they ever out Patty as gay? Yes, she’s a lesbian (which explains why she never showed interest in men like her sister). She was outed this year when Springfield legalized gay marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-tv-humor-who-would-you-kill-on-the-simpsons/335234/27 "2005-12-13T07:18:51Z")
> [@mobo85](#): > > Yes, she’s a lesbian (which explains why she never showed interest in men like her sister). Except MacGyver…which is almost understandable, really; aside from the voice, and assuming he keeps his shirt on, he could pass for a butch lesbian. 😃 Who would _I_ kill? Eh, I’d just have Lisa set up a series of Buddist prayer wheels, then rip off [The Nine Billion Names of God](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nine_Billion_Names_of_God). Poof. No more monster. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-tv-humor-who-would-you-kill-on-the-simpsons/335234/28 "2005-12-13T18:18:56Z")
“The Martyrdom of Ned Flanders” would be a concept worthy of its own thread . . . [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/morbid-tv-humor-who-would-you-kill-on-the-simpsons/335234.md?page=1)