# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 103
**Author:** ![dirtball](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dirtball/32/18772_2.png) [@dirtball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dirtball)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2022, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2052 "2022-05-20T14:21:43Z")
So what grade did you get? ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2022, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2053 "2022-05-20T14:23:21Z")
Better than I expected after that fiasco. B minus, I think? ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2022, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2054 "2022-05-20T14:27:29Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why have there been no alien sightings in our galaxy yet? > > They’re lactose intolerant. Heh. Did you know “gaLAXy” and “lactose” share the same Proto Indo European root? (Meaning “milk,” obviously). ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2022, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2055 "2022-05-20T18:45:55Z")
> [@JKellyMap](#): > > Heh. Did you know “gaLAXy” and “lactose” share the same Proto Indo European root? (Meaning “milk,” obviously). Yes, and, after all, it’s the Milky Way. The PIE root is glag- [or g(a)lag-], and lettuce is also from that root (from its milky white liquid). ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2022, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2056 "2022-05-20T18:47:24Z")
Cool! Okay, enough fighting ignorance…more jokes, please! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2022, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2057 "2022-05-20T18:49:41Z")
### Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves - Today was the tip of the iceberg. * * * ### I was grilling some lettuce over a fire for dinner. My dad came over, took one look and said: That’s chard, you idiot. * * * ### Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition? 'Cause it starts a head and is usually shredded ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2022, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2058 "2022-05-21T16:41:02Z")
### At my funeral I’d like someone to grab the bouquet from my casket and toss it into the crowd to see who’s next. * * * ### A bear, a mountain lion and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Nobody panic! I’m calling animal control.” * * * ### Zelensky calls Putin Zelensky: Hey Volodya, wanna hear a joke? Putin: Sure Zelensky: Ukraine Putin: I don’t get it. Zelensky: You will never get it. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2022, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2059 "2022-05-21T19:15:53Z")
American: “If it wasn’t for us, the French would all be speaking German.” Frenchman: “If it wasn’t for us, Americans would all be speaking English.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2022, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2060 "2022-05-22T01:07:38Z")
A pirate walks into a bar with a large, beautiful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, 'Where did you get _that?_ The parrot says, ‘Tortuga!’ ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2022, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2061 "2022-05-22T14:07:02Z")
> [@Peter\_Morris](#): > > Frenchman: “If it wasn’t for us, Americans would all be speaking English.” Does this refer to how Quebec is a major region within North America? If so, why not say “Spanish,” since Spanish America has ten times as many speakers as French America? ---
**Author:** ![CardboardBoxx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardboardboxx/32/7079_2.png) [@CardboardBoxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CardboardBoxx)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2022, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2062 "2022-05-22T14:44:21Z")
I think it’s basically suggesting that “American English” is a bastardisation of the queen’s English. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2022, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2063 "2022-05-22T15:01:32Z")
> [@JKellyMap](#): > > > [@Peter\_Morris](#): > > > > Frenchman: “If it wasn’t for us, Americans would all be speaking English.” > > Does this refer to how Quebec is a major region within North America? It is a reference to how George Washington would have lost the Revolutionary War without French help. And how the Americans mangle the English language. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2022, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2064 "2022-05-22T15:02:43Z")
Ah, and the French helped the Americans win their War of Independence, so….gotcha. “Immigrants — we get the job done” — Lafayette and Hamilton ETA - ninja’d ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2022, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2065 "2022-05-22T15:03:57Z")
UK population: 67.22 million US population: 329.5 million It’s the Brits who are the manglers. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2022, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2066 "2022-05-22T15:21:21Z")
There are more English speakers in India or China than both combined. We’re all manglers. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2022, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2067 "2022-05-22T16:20:50Z")
### Not to brag, but I’m fluent in 10 languages. English and Binary. * * * ### Why are Nordic languages so hard to understand? English: A dog. Swedish: What? English: The dog. English: Two dogs. Swedish: Okay. We have: En hund, hunden, Två hundar, hundarna. German: Wait, I wan’t to try it too! English: No, go away. Swedish: No one invited you. German: Der Hund. English: I said go away. German: Ein Hund, zwei Hunde. Swedish: Stop it! German: Den Hund, einen Hund, dem Hund, einem Hund, des Hundes, eines Hundes, den Hunden, der Hunden. Finnish: Sup. English: NO. Swedish: NO. German: NO. Finn, you go away!! Finnish: Koira, koiran, koiraa, koiran again, koirassa, koirasta, koiraan, koiralla, koiralta, koiralle, koirana, koiraksi, koiratta, koirineen, koirin. German: WHAT? Swedish: You must be kidding us! English: This must be a joke… Finnish: Aaaand… koirasi, koirani, koiransa, koiramme, koiranne, koiraani, koiraasi, koiraansa, koiraamme, koiraanne, koirassani, koirassasi, koirassansa, koirassamme, koirassanne, koirastani, koirastasi, koirastansa, koirastamme, koirastanne, koirallani, koirallasi, koirallansa, koirallamme, koirallanne, koiranani, koiranasi, koiranansa, koiranamme, koirananne, koirakseni, koiraksesi, koiraksensa, koiraksemme, koiraksenne, koirattani, koirattasi, koirattansa, koirattamme, koirattanne, koirineni, koirinesi, koirinensa, koirinemme, koirinenne. English: Those are words for a dog??? Finnish: Wait! I didn’t stop yet. There is still: koirakaan, koirankaan, koiraakaan, koirassakaan, koirastakaan, koiraankaan, koirallakaan, koiraltakaan, koirallekaan, koiranakaan, koiraksikaan, koirattakaan, koirineenkaan, koirinkaan, koirako, koiranko, koiraako, koirassako, koirastako, koiraanko, koirallako, koiraltako, koiralleko, koiranako, koiraksiko, koirattako, koirineenko, koirinko, koirasikaan, koiranikaan, koiransakaan, koirammekaan, koirannekaan, koiraanikaan, koiraasikaan, koiraansakaan, koiraammekaan, koiraannekaan, koirassanikaan, koirassasikaan, koirassansakaan, koirassammekaan, koirassannekaan, koirastanikaan, koirastasikaan, koirastansakaan, koirastammekaan, koirastannekaan, koirallanikaan, koirallasikaan, koirallansakaan, koirallammekaan, koirallannekaan, koirananikaan, koiranasikaan, koiranansakaan, koiranammekaan, koiranannekaan, koiraksenikaan, koiraksesikaan, koiraksensakaan, koiraksemmekaan, koiraksennekaan, koirattanikaan, koirattasikaan, koirattansakaan, koirattammekaan, koirattannekaan, koirinenikaan, koirinesikaan, koirinensakaan, koirinemmekaan, koirinennekaan, koirasiko, koiraniko, koiransako, koirammeko, koiranneko, koiraaniko, koiraasiko, koiraansako, koiraammeko, koiraanneko, koirassaniko, koirassasiko, koirassansako, koirassammeko, koirassanneko, koirastaniko, koirastasiko, koirastansako, koirastammeko, koirastanneko, koirallaniko, koirallasiko, koirallansako, koirallammeko, koirallanneko, koirananiko, koiranasiko, koiranansako, koiranammeko, koirananneko, koirakseniko, koiraksesiko, koiraksensako, koiraksemmeko, koiraksenneko, koirattaniko, koirattasiko, koirattansako, koirattammeko, koirattanneko, koirineniko, koirinesiko, koirinensako, koirinemmeko, koirinenneko, koirasikaanko, koiranikaanko, koiransakaanko, koirammekaanko, koirannekaanko, koiraanikaanko, koiraasikaanko, koiraansakaanko, koiraammekaanko, koiraannekaanko, koirassanikaanko, koirassasikaanko, koirassansakaanko, koirassammekaanko, koirassannekaanko, koirastanikaanko, koirastasikaanko, koirastansakaanko, koirastammekaanko, koirastannekaanko, koirallanikaanko, koirallasikaanko, koirallansakaanko, koirallammekaanko, koirallannekaanko, koirananikaanko, koiranasikaanko, koiranansakaanko, koiranammekaanko, koiranannekaanko, koiraksenikaanko, koiraksesikaanko, koiraksensakaanko, koiraksemmekaanko, koiraksennekaanko, koirattanikaanko, koirattasikaanko, koirattansakaanko, koirattammekaanko, koirattannekaanko, koirinenikaanko, koirinesikaanko, koirinensakaanko, koirinemmekaanko, koirinennekaanko, koirasikokaan, koiranikokaan, koiransakokaan, koirammekokaan, koirannekokaan, koiraanikokaan, koiraasikokaan, koiraansakokaan, koiraammekokaan, koiraannekokaan, koirassanikokaan, koirassasikokaan, koirassansakokaan, koirassammekokaan, koirassannekokaan, koirastanikokaan, koirastasikokaan, koirastansakokaan, koirastammekokaan, koirastannekokaan, koirallanikokaan, koirallasikokaan, koirallansakokaan, koirallammekokaan, koirallannekokaan, koirananikokaan, koiranasikokaan, koiranansakokaan, koiranammekokaan, koiranannekokaan, koiraksenikokaan, koiraksesikokaan, koiraksensakokaan, koiraksemmekokaan, koiraksennekokaan, koirattanikokaan, koirattasikokaan, koirattansakokaan, koirattammekokaan, koirattannekokaan, koirinenikokaan, koirinesikokaan, koirinensakokaan, koirinemmekokaan, koirinennekokaan. Swedish: Breath!! German: Whattaaa? English: Okay, now you’re just making things up! Finnish: And now the plural forms….. English: WHAT?!?! * * * ### My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages It sounds challenging, but I know she’s going to nail Polish. * * * ### Some say that the English language is hard to learn. But you can do it through tough, thorough thought though. * * * ### I have very nearly signed up for Danish language classes I just need to dot the A’s and cross the O’s. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2022, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2068 "2022-05-22T16:32:58Z")
I stole the last two. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2022, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2069 "2022-05-22T21:00:30Z")
A stereotypical pirate walks into a pub - patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand and a parrot on his shoulder. The barman says “OK, so how did you lose your other parrot ?” ---
**Author:** ![gkster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gkster/32/14107_2.png) [@gkster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gkster)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2022, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2070 "2022-05-23T04:07:58Z")
@pjd that reminds me of this one which I heard 50 years ago: A hitchhiker with 3 eyes, one leg, and no arms is waiting by the side of the road. An Englishman pulls over and says “Aye, aye, aye, you look ’ armless, hop in.” (I googled it and also saw a version with an Irishman pulling over.) ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2022, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2071 "2022-05-23T04:53:15Z")
> [@pjd](#): > > A stereotypical pirate walks into a pub - patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand… The one I heard (too long and don’t remember the details, but they were EPIC!)… Had the punchline… _“Arg… T’was me first day with the hook, and I tried to wipe me eye”_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=102) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=104)