# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 110
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2022, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2192 "2022-06-16T11:44:08Z")
### A 10-year-old girl asks her mum, “Mummy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replied: “Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth & I took care of it every single day. After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, rolled it up, smoked it, and got so high that we forgot to wear a condom." * * * ### What did Yoda say when the bakery was out of Pies? Dough. Or Doughnut. There is no Pie. * * * ### What’s a pirate’s favourite file type? .rar ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2022, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2193 "2022-06-16T12:50:01Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > My dad made the same claim, late 1960s. Aren’t you in Michigan too? My dad was away a lot for days at a time on ‘business trips’ when I was a kid. Hmmm… ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2022, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2194 "2022-06-16T12:52:51Z")
I remember that was a Smothers Brothers bit. Dick was acting the part of a pretentious poet, trying to find a rhyme for “fields of orange,” when Tom told him nothing rhymes with orange. The closest you can get is door hinge. So Dick tried out “fields of door hinge.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2022, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2195 "2022-06-16T16:33:57Z")
> [@solost](#): > > > [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > > > My dad made the same claim, late 1960s. > > Aren’t you in Michigan too? My dad was away a lot for days at a time on ‘business trips’ when I was a kid. Hmmm… Bro! mbm ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2022, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2196 "2022-06-16T16:44:43Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > Bro! > > mbm You should meet our sister Pam. She’s a real go-getter! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2022, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2197 "2022-06-17T18:02:34Z")
### What do you call the Beatles’ drummer when in Mexico? Gringo Starr * * * ### “Beatles or Stones?” I asked my son. “Why can’t we have something normal for dinner?” he replied. * * * ### Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub. …Landlord says, “Sorry, mate, you’re barred and those guys are banned”. ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2022, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2198 "2022-06-17T23:52:31Z")
_Man calls the hospital. ‘My wife is about to give birth.’ ‘Okay sir. Is this her first child?’ ‘No I’m her husband.’_ Man is in the doctor’s office. ‘Will I be able to play the piano when this surgery is done?’ ‘I don’t see why not.’ ‘That’s funny. I never could before.’ _Man sees an adorable little dog behind the counter of a gas station. ‘Does your dog bite?’ he asks the clerk. The clerk sniffs indignantly and says ‘No. My dog doesn’t bite.’ So the man reaches over to pet the dog, and he bites him in a deathgrip. ‘I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite?’ The clerk sniffs indignantly again. ‘That’s not my dog.’_ Last night I dreamt I was hunting elephants in my pajamas. How elephants could fit into my pajamas I’ll never know. (_Groucho Marx_) ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2022, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2199 "2022-06-18T02:10:55Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > Man sees an adorable little dog behind the counter of a gas station. ‘Does your dog bite?’ he asks the clerk. The clerk sniffs indignantly and says ‘No. My dog doesn’t bite.’ So the man reaches over to pet the dog, and he bites him in a deathgrip. ‘I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite?’ The clerk sniffs indignantly again. ‘That’s not my dog.’ [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/qypEulhiHAw/maxresdefault.jpg "Pink Panther - Does your dog bite?") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qypEulhiHAw) ---
**Author:** ![CardboardBoxx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardboardboxx/32/7079_2.png) [@CardboardBoxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CardboardBoxx)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2022, 10:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2200 "2022-06-18T10:14:49Z")
A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood donation centre. The vicar says, “My blood is type A”, the priest says “Mine is type B”. The rabbit says “I think I’m type O” ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2022, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2201 "2022-06-18T11:56:18Z")
😁 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2022, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2202 "2022-06-18T17:50:06Z")
### Inflation in the US is so bad right now that… I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail. * * * ### My girlfriend thinks I’m terrible in bed. Kind of an unfair judgment to make in less than a minute. * * * ### On the internet you can be whoever you want, it’s strange so many people choose to be stupid. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2022, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2203 "2022-06-19T01:54:49Z")
> [@Jim\_B](#): > > _What’s brown and sticky?_ > > A stick. Q. What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? A. Dr. Dre. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2022, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2204 "2022-06-19T16:41:41Z")
### Did you know fish swim in schools? Except on a Sunday, when they swim in churches and pray to Cod. * * * **What is brown, hairy, and wears sunglasses?** A coconut on vacation. * * * **What do you do if you get rejected at the sunscreen company?** Reapply ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2022, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2205 "2022-06-19T20:22:18Z")
# DAD JOKES Happy Father’s Day! - Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. - When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there. - Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie. - We all know about Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage. - When does a joke become a “dad joke”? When it becomes apparent. - I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears. - What is the most popular fish in the ocean? A starfish. - Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them. - What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner’s on me. - Did you hear about the surgeon who enjoyed performing quick surgeries on insects? He did one on the fly. - What’s a vampire’s favorite ship? A blood vessel. - There’s only one thing I can’t deal with, and that’s a deck of cards glued together. - The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. ---
**Author:** ![Jim\_B](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jim_b/32/4338_2.png) [@Jim\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jim_B)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2022, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2206 "2022-06-19T21:58:05Z")
I ONCE MADE FRIENDS WITH A SHARK. _With friends like these, who needs anemones?_ ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2022, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2207 "2022-06-19T22:07:26Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > - Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. …I don’t get this one. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2022, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2208 "2022-06-19T22:13:08Z")
Throw a comma in the middle of “bookmark.” ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2022, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2209 "2022-06-20T02:16:52Z")
> " formic (adj.) > > 1791 (in formic acid), **literally “from ants,” coined from Latin formica “ant”** So formic is acid…but it’s also ant acid? [formic | Etymology of formic by etymonline](https://www.etymonline.com/word/formic#:~:text=formic%20(adj.),it%20by%20distilling%20red%20ants). ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2022, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2210 "2022-06-20T13:30:18Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Did you know fish swim in schools? > > Except on a Sunday, when they swim in churches and pray to Cod. Unless they’re ag-cod-sic. I’ll show myself out of the thread now… ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2022, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2211 "2022-06-20T14:22:58Z")
Me: You know that according to Schrödinger, anything you put in a box is both dead and alive. Everyone at the funeral: _nervously looks at the coffin_ That joke was so bad that Schrödinger might be rolling in his grave… AND NOT!!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=109) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=111)