# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 121
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2022, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2412 "2022-08-14T19:11:55Z")
### Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes. But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time. * * * ### 44% of Marriages end in divorce. That means 56% of marriages are fatal. * * * ### What’s the hardest part of being a vegan? Waking up at 4.30 am to milk the almonds. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2022, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2413 "2022-08-14T21:15:08Z")
Everyone knows Karl Marx for his work with communism, but nobody remembers his sister, Onyur, who invented the starter’s gun. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2022, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2414 "2022-08-14T21:29:05Z")
ANYA, man, ANYA. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2022, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2415 "2022-08-14T21:32:07Z")
Hah! Guess who is heavily medicated? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2022, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2416 "2022-08-14T21:34:32Z")
Well, I’m glad you’re friends with Karl Medds’s sister Anya. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2022, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2417 "2022-08-15T13:57:13Z")
### I’ve decided to adopt a four-day work week - I really hope my boss doesn’t find out. * * * ### This is the hammer, this is the screwdriver, this is the wrench… …you know the drill. * * * ### Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long? Waiter: No sir, round. ---
**Author:** ![its\_the\_daddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/bb73d2/32.png) [@its\_the\_daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/its_the_daddy)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2022, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2418 "2022-08-15T16:38:36Z")
**Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud.** Yes Sir, it’s just been ground. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2419 "2022-08-16T04:21:18Z")
You know dentists are more prone to depression; they’re always looking down in the mouth. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2022, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2420 "2022-08-16T14:42:57Z")
### How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? Narcissists don’t use light bulbs. They use gaslighting. * * * ### I now identify as boring. My preferred pronouns are ho/hum. * * * ### There’s two types of people in the world - Those who proofread their posts, and those who do. ---
**Author:** ![De\_La\_Rue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@De\_La\_Rue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/De_La_Rue)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2022, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2421 "2022-08-17T19:18:00Z")
### At the Zoo “…And here we have the elephant, the largest land animal in the world. Every day it eats three dozen bunches of bananas, six tons of hay, and two thousand pounds of assorted fruits…Madam, please do not stand next to the elephant…Madam, PLEASE do not stand so close to the elephant’s backside…MADAM…oh, fuck. George, start digging.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2022, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2422 "2022-08-17T20:27:25Z")
What was that old joke about an elephant, and a monkey frantically trying to insert a cork? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2022, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2423 "2022-08-17T20:56:34Z")
### A wife is like a hand grenade… Take off the ring and say good bye to your house. * * * ### How does a geometry teacher drink beer? From pint A to pint B. * * * ### You’re shown four kids, named Seven, Eight, Nine, and Eleven, and told that one of them is constantly bullied at school. Which one, and how do you know? The answer is Nine, because they’re always the closest to the mean. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2022, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2424 "2022-08-18T15:32:49Z")
### I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…” “But it’s just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.” * * * ### My Dad was in the hospital after being electrocuted - When he left he was discharged. * * * ### Is good intention enough to be an organ donor? No, it also takes guts. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2022, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2425 "2022-08-18T16:17:31Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Is good intention enough to be an organ donor? > > No, it also takes guts. Or a good heart. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2022, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2426 "2022-08-18T17:53:33Z")
It really takes some balls. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2022, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2427 "2022-08-18T18:37:39Z")
I hear it’s a very visceral experience. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2022, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2428 "2022-08-19T00:20:58Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### My Dad was in the hospital after being electrocuted - > > When he left he was discharged. He was a conductor, no doubt? > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Is good intention enough to be an organ donor? > > No, it also takes guts. **I’ve kept every poo I’ve ever done!** I really have my shit together. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2022, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2429 "2022-08-19T13:56:55Z")
## An OB/GYN student is late for his final exam. He races out of bed, gets dressed, and is out the door in 5 minutes. He quickly gets to the lecture hall, and sits down just in time to receive a test. Unbeknownst to him however, he had run to the wrong room: the Law lecture hall. The student reads over the first question, assured in his ability, but is shocked when he doesn’t understand the first question: “Advice offered to the court by a third party.” _Why is this on my medical test?_ He thinks. The man glances over to his right in askance, but sees the other students diligently writing. Determined to not make a fool of himself, he writes “prescription”. He reads the next question: “An admission of guilt on the principle of not contesting the charges.” He glances around again, confused, and ends up writing “c-section”. He reaches the third question, and is well and truly lost. ”The principle that recognizes legal practices, regardless of whether they are codified.” He writes down “delivery”, but then leans over to ask another student for help. The other student glances at his paper, and says: “It’s not delivery! It’s de jure, no?” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2022, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2430 "2022-08-19T14:00:34Z")
### My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she _still_ won’t say where she got them! * * * ### I celebrate Halloween in August When you show up at someone’s door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff. * * * ### A 60 year old man named Bill goes to get his physical. When his doctor is finished, he shakes his head. “Bill, you’re a 60 year old man, you have the body of a guy in his 40’s. You’re in better health than most patients I see. I have to ask - how old was your dad when he died?” “WHAT?”, Bill bellows, “Who says Dad’s dead?” The doctor starts to stammer an apology, but Bill continues, “He’s 82, still working, and is also in great shape! He’s entering a weightlifting competition in August!” “That’s amazing,” the doctor replies. “So then, how old was your grandfather when he passed?” “WHAT?”, Bill roars again, “Who said Grampa’s dead? He’s 109, runs Meals on Wheels for people decades younger than him, he owns a sailboat, and he’s getting married to a 30 year old woman next month!” The doctor is floored. “That’s impressive, Bill.” He pauses. “I still have a question though. Why would a guy who’s 109 want to get married to a 30 year old woman?” “HA!” Bill chortles. “Who said he WANTED to get married?” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2022, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2431 "2022-08-19T16:02:47Z")
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do? The husband says, Change the battery in your hearing aid.’ I picked up my phone and asked Alexa a question. She said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” So I tried again. She said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” Then it dawned on me, I’d left my phone in Airplane mode. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=120) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=122)