# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 127
**Author:** ![WhyKickAMooCow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/9fc29f/32.png) [@WhyKickAMooCow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyKickAMooCow)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2022, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2532 "2022-09-21T15:48:03Z")
Q: What do you call a woman who has a pint of ale balanced on her head? A: Beatrix Q: Why should you never buy trousers from the Ukraine? A: Because Chernobyl Fallout ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2022, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2533 "2022-09-21T16:30:58Z")
> [@WhyKickAMooCow](#): > > Q: What do you call a woman who has a pint of ale balanced on her head? > A: Beatrix Huh? [Discourse] ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2022, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2534 "2022-09-21T16:37:40Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > Huh? Beer tricks. I know. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2022, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2535 "2022-09-21T16:40:25Z")
I was reading it ‘be a tricks’. I should have guessed from the second one he was speaking with an accent. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2022, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2536 "2022-09-21T17:40:15Z")
Like your cousin from Boston? ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2022, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2537 "2022-09-21T21:25:34Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > > [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > > > You’d think it be R, but his first love will always be the C. > > Not true–but a pirate only tells their favorite letter to their captain. > > Go ahead: pretend you’re my captain, and order me to tell you my favorite letter. I order you to tell me your favorite letter, Matey! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2022, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2538 "2022-09-21T21:31:10Z")
[![](https://forum.mygolfspy.com/uploads/monthly_2022_09/image.jpeg.1df8dcf834261d9c360e7652570d90ac.jpeg) ](https://forum.mygolfspy.com/uploads/monthly_2022_09/image.jpeg.1df8dcf834261d9c360e7652570d90ac.jpeg) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2022, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2539 "2022-09-21T21:34:44Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > I order you to tell me your favorite letter, Matey! _I, I, Cap’n!_ ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2022, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2540 "2022-09-21T22:24:55Z")
I just made this up/made this. [Click for entire rebus.] [[Album] imgur.com ![](https://i.imgur.com/xK8sLHf.jpeg?fb "imgur.com") ](https://imgur.com/a/mKN9feC) ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2022, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2541 "2022-09-21T22:50:50Z")
> [@WhyKickAMooCow](#): > > Q: What do you call a woman who has a pint of ale balanced on her head? > A: Beatrix Q: What do you call a woman who has a pint of ale balanced on a pool cue? A: Beatrix Potter ---
**Author:** ![WhyKickAMooCow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/9fc29f/32.png) [@WhyKickAMooCow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyKickAMooCow)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2022, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2542 "2022-09-22T09:12:23Z")
I thought you Americans were the ones with the accents… ---
**Author:** ![WhyKickAMooCow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/9fc29f/32.png) [@WhyKickAMooCow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyKickAMooCow)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2022, 9:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2543 "2022-09-22T09:13:18Z")
All these crap jokes and it’s mine you groan at!? ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2022, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2544 "2022-09-22T11:14:41Z")
I don’t afford that level of compliment to everyone ! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2022, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2545 "2022-09-22T14:52:04Z")
### What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A happy pitbull * * * ### My English friend was shocked to find out that his ancestors came from Transylvania. Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror. * * * ### “How much do you love me?” she asked. I said, “Look into the sky and count the stars. That’s how much I love you.” “But the sun is shining!” she said. “There you go.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2022, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2546 "2022-09-23T13:42:32Z")
# Some Russian anti-war jokes 1. “Partial mobilization” is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts. 2. “Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?” “I don’t know, son, I’m not into politics.” 3. For a long time, the government told us, “if you don’t like Russia, go to another country.” Now they tell us, “if you like Russia, go to the trenches.” 4. We gave Putin our freedoms in exchange for prosperity and security. Now we have neither freedom, nor prosperity, nor security. 5. Can we have go back the last year, when we were told to stay home and self-isolate? 6. So, if my two neighbours next door conduct a referendum over who my house belongs to, and I get outvoted 2-1, it’s the “democratic vote of the people” and my home is now theirs? 7. They call a war a “special operation”, they call bombings “loud noises”, they call a rout “a regroup”. I guess now they’ll be calling forced conscription as an “all-expense paid vacation abroad.” 8. Mom used to tell me, “avoid strange men on the street, they might give you drugs.” Now she tells me, “avoid strange men on the street, they might give you a conscription notice.” 9. The generals told me, “we don’t abandon our own.” I thought they meant that they wouldn’t abandon me. Now I know that they meant I’m not one of their own. 10. The government told me, “if you don’t like Putin, you can always vote for someone else.” But it’s rather hard to do, when all the candidates I want to vote for are in prison. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2022, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2547 "2022-09-24T13:05:25Z")
### My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped. “That’s amazing.” “Not really. That’s when it fell on top of him.” * * * ### “In what state were you born?” “Well, I…I was naked.” * * * ### I got a job that pays in vegetables The celery is great. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2022, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2548 "2022-09-25T00:35:36Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > * * * > > ### I got a job that pays in vegetables > > The celery is great. True story: There’s a musician who always comes to play at the local Farmers’ Market, and as musicians do, he always puts out a tip jar. By the end of the evening, it’s always full of fresh produce. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2022, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2549 "2022-09-25T12:43:54Z")
### A girl knocked on my door today… Asking for a donation for the local swimming pool…. so I gave her a glass of water. * * * ### A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, “Has my brother been in for a drink here today?” The barman looks at the penguin and says, “I’m not sure. What does he look like?” * * * ### Not saying my local pub is rough… but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi. ---
**Author:** ![Tride](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tride/32/13907_2.png) [@Tride](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tride)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2022, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2550 "2022-09-25T23:06:19Z")
With apologies to David Sedaris: two Catholic priests are taking an Uber to the airport. The car is inexplicably pulled over by the police. The priest roll the window down and a slightly breathless cop pokes his head in: “I’m looking for two child molesters!” The one priest looks at the other, turns back with a slightly grim smile, “OK, we’ll do it!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2022, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2551 "2022-09-26T18:23:05Z")
### How do you find a velociraptor ? You divide the distanceraptor by the timeraptor. * * * ### My wife thinks I don’t respect her boundaries I was so shocked, I didn’t want to read her diary anymore. * * * ### When I was young, I was very poor. After years of struggle, I’m no longer young. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=126) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=128)