# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 130
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2022, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2592 "2022-10-12T15:41:35Z")
I came home and discovered the kids had been on eBay all day. Tomorrow I’ll lower the price a little. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2022, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2593 "2022-10-12T19:38:37Z")
# I recently heard about a young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross country adventure… So, I headed down to the library with my daughter to see if they had a copy. The librarian said the description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2022, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2594 "2022-10-13T12:36:38Z")
### Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot - 5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets. * * * ### Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms suddenly There would be mass confusion. * * * ### Vampires aren’t real. Unless you count Dracula. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2022, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2595 "2022-10-13T15:10:45Z")
My wife says I have two major flaws. Number one is _I don’t listen_ and Number two… I wasn’t paying attention. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2022, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2596 "2022-10-13T18:52:10Z")
I once had lunch with Bobby Fischer in an Italian restaurant. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2022, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2597 "2022-10-14T02:14:05Z")
Why the hell would you need salt in an Italian restaurant??? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2022, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2598 "2022-10-14T15:49:16Z")
### Why do sharks live in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze * * * ### I went to a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L. L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper? Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it’s salt. If it is the letter P, it’s pepper. L: Oh, so pepper comes out from the P hole? Me: … Erm… Yes… L: I know! Then the salt comes from the S hole! * * * ### Bought some 250 million year old Himalayan salt But it expires in August. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2022, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2599 "2022-10-15T15:37:55Z")
### A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: “Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies.” Student: “Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?” * * * ### I like my coffee like I like my women… Strong, and able to give me the kick in the ass I need to get movin’ in the morning! * * * ### Did you hear David Copperfield has stopped doing the old trapdoor disappearing trick? It was just a stage he was going through. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2022, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2600 "2022-10-15T19:53:42Z")
A couple are eating dinner in a fine dining restaurant. The man drops his spoon, and immediately the waiter appears at his side with a replacement spoon. “Wow, that was quick, thanks!”, says the diner. “You are welcome”, says the waiter. “We recently had an efficiency expert come in to review our processes and make recommendations. They said that the spoon is the most-dropped utensil, and that we waiters should always carry a spoon with us.” “Fascinating”, says the diner. “By the way, you should know that your fly is unzipped.” “Yes, I know”, replied the waiter. “That was another suggestion from the expert. He said that each waiter should tie a string around his penis and leave his fly unzipped. If we have to go to the bathroom, and we pull the string to unfurl our penises, we would not have to wash our hands. That would save 20 minutes per day.” “Hmm”, says the diner, “but how do you get your penis back in your pants? “I don’t know about the other guys but I use the spoon.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2022, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2601 "2022-10-16T14:00:08Z")
# A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest… …when the bear almost catches the rabbit, they run into a magical frog who stops them. The frog says “I am a magical frog and you both can make 3 wishes that I will make come true”. The bear shouts “I go first! I go first! I want all the other bears in this forest to be hot female bears!!!” The frog waits 2 seconds and says “your wish is granted. Now, what is your first wish, rabbit?” The rabbit says “I want to have a cool motorcycle helmet” The frog frowns but says “your wish shall be granted.” and _ploop_ a beautiful cool motorcycle helmet appears out of nothing in front of the rabbit. “You again bear” The bear is jumping impatiently on his feet and shouts “yes, yes, uhmm, I want all the bears in the forests next to this forest to be hot female bears also!!” The frog waits 2 seconds and says “Your wish is granted. Your turn rabbit” The rabbit says “I want a new and very fast motorcycle.” The frog is looking a bit puzzled at the rabbit, but sighs and says “your wish shall be granted.” and _ploop_ a beautiful motorcycle appears out of nothing in front of the rabbit. “Ok bear” says the frog “your last wish” The bear can almost not hold his excitement and replies “yes yes yes I know! I want all the other bears in all the forests on the entire planet earth to be extremely hot female bears!!!” After a deep sigh the magic frog says “your wish is granted” “Now rabbit, your 3rd wish. It is your final wish so better make it a good one” says the frog. The rabbit puts his shiny helmet on, steps onto his motorcycle, kicks the ignition to start the engine and pulls the throttle a few times making the engine roar. Then he looks with a cheeky smile at the bear before turning to the frog and says: “Here is my final wish…” He points at the bear and says “I want that bear to be gay” and with thundering engine the rabbit pulls off into the forest… The magical frog follows him in the distance and mumbles “your wish is granted.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2022, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2602 "2022-10-17T13:33:00Z")
### Walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer - I said “OK, this isn’t working out.” * * * ### A police officer spotted an elderly lady knitting whilst driving. “Pullover”, he exclaimed. “No, it’s a scarf”, she replied. * * * ### Did you guys know Sting has gone missing? The Police have no lead. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2022, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2603 "2022-10-18T14:31:56Z")
### Where did the square go after killing the triangle? To prism. * * * ### I was going to cook an alligator for dinner… But realized I only had a croc pot. * * * ### What’s God’s favorite musical chord? G sus ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2022, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2604 "2022-10-19T01:27:53Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer - > > I said “OK, this isn’t working out. This one’s funny! ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2022, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2605 "2022-10-19T07:18:09Z")
The punchline is supposed to be is there a Dog. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2022, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2606 "2022-10-19T11:49:22Z")
> [@stui\_magpie](#): > > The punchline is supposed to be is there a Dog Maybe @Johnny_L.A is a tad dyslexic 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2022, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2607 "2022-10-19T12:19:53Z")
### A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father… “Papa!” the boy exclaims. “Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!” The father immediately slaps the child. “Spendthrift!” he screams. “You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!” * * * ### How to determine sex of aquarium fish Easy. Give it some food. If he eats it, then it’s a male, if she eats it, then it’s a female. * * * ### I always feel like a 9 or 10 after I leave a buffet… Because I over ate. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2022, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2608 "2022-10-19T13:19:52Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac? > > He was awake all night wondering if there is a god. > [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > I’m _pretttttty_ sure that’s not how the punchline goes. > **[Dyslexics](https://xkcd.com/745/)** > > And of course I had to redo this like three times because I kept writing 'UNTIE'; I kept doing 'doing 'doing it wrong' wrong' wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2022, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2609 "2022-10-19T13:40:14Z")
> [@solost](#): > > > [@stui\_magpie](#): > > > > The punchline is supposed to be is there a Dog > > Maybe @Johnny_L.A is a tad dyslexic 🙂 I addressed the typo a while ago. > [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > > [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > > > I’m _pretttttty_ sure that’s not how the punchline goes. > > It’s either a typo, or I’m dyslexic. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2022, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2610 "2022-10-19T14:52:11Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > I addressed the typo a while ago. Hey, you’re dyslexic, I’m forgetful. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2022, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2611 "2022-10-20T02:10:57Z")
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