# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 135
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2022, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2692 "2022-11-11T15:07:49Z")
### Ronald and Andrea are watching TV one evening. Ronald gets up and heads toward the kitchen. “Honey, are you getting a snack?” “Yes, dear, I’m still hungry.” “Me, too.” “Well, what would you like?” “Vanilla ice cream.” “And would you like anything on that?” “Good idea. How about strawberries and hot fudge?” “Coming right up.” “Hold on, honey. Don’t you want to write that down? You know how forgetful you are these days.” “Don’t be silly! Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and hot fudge.” Fifteen minutes later, Ronald returns to the living room with a plate of bacon and eggs. “Thanks, honey,” Audrey says, “but you really should have written it down. You forgot the toast.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2022, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2693 "2022-11-11T15:10:51Z")
### The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one. The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout “Vive la France!!” The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout “Viva España!!” The King of England drops his, but there is a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts “God save the Queen!!!” * * * ### Today’s date is 11/11. Unless you’re from the U.K., in which case it’s 11/11. * * * ### What was Yoda’s last name? Ladyhoo. ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [November 11, 2022, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2694 "2022-11-11T15:17:05Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Today’s date is 11/11. > > Unless you’re from the U.K., in which case it’s 11/11. Actually, it’s 11/11. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2022, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2695 "2022-11-12T00:02:10Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Today’s date is 11/11. > > Unless you’re from the U.K., in which case it’s 11/11. A friend of mine arranged to retire on Feb. 2, 2002. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2022, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2696 "2022-11-12T00:03:56Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > A friend of mine arranged to retire on Feb. 2, 2002. Well, that’s two much. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2022, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2697 "2022-11-12T19:50:21Z")
Yeah, that’s a two too far. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2022, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2698 "2022-11-12T19:57:29Z")
Et tu, @Hypno-Toad ? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2022, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2699 "2022-11-12T19:58:36Z")
### What’s the difference between gray and grey? One is a color, and the other is a colour. * * * ### What is the opposite of wrinkly? Irony. * * * ### What do you call the trend to cancel pineapples? Banananas! . . . . . . . . . . .. . . [That is to say, “ban ananas”.] ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 12, 2022, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2700 "2022-11-12T20:10:38Z")
# Gallager! Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain’t fruits or nuts, is flakes. Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra. I don’t know why they say “you have a baby.” The baby has you. I found out why God made babies cute. It’s so you don’t kill them. If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed. If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like? Why do they call 'em ‘buildings’ when they’re done building 'em? They ought to be called ‘builts.’ Or, ‘crumblings.’ ‘I live in that crumbling over there.’ Remember this advice… Never let your mom comb your hair when she’s mad at your dad! I like church though. Church was a reminder there was something worse than school. [https://th.bing.com/th/id/R.a4d47bd2ec6c6f77b8531d82ee96351c?rik=nFOw3Pzeoz3xgQ&pid=ImgRaw&r=0](https://th.bing.com/th/id/R.a4d47bd2ec6c6f77b8531d82ee96351c?rik=nFOw3Pzeoz3xgQ&pid=ImgRaw&r=0) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2022, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2701 "2022-11-13T14:26:34Z")
### My buddy told me his dog could bring him a ball from a mile away. Sounds pretty farfetched. * * * ### If Mr. Miyagi was a plastic surgeon, what would his slogan be? Racks on, racks off. * * * ### What did 3 say after it was slapped? “What was that 4?” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2022, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2702 "2022-11-13T14:41:05Z")
Propaganda: When a British bloke takes a good look at something. mmm ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2022, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2703 "2022-11-13T15:37:04Z")
I thought it was a socially correct male goose. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2022, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2704 "2022-11-13T15:47:22Z")
At a number of fantasy conventions we attended, a bunch of my friends and I went as Elves in Camo, a paramilitary concept. My elf name was Propagandalf. ---
**Author:** ![Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e4f/32.png) [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Digital_is_the_new_Analog)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2022, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2705 "2022-11-14T00:31:32Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Elves in Camo I read this as “Elvis in Camo” and was even more amused, although the comment about the name was a tad bit confusing 😅 ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2022, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2706 "2022-11-14T13:19:38Z")
When Humphrey Bogart died, he went to heaven and met the ancient Greek father of geometry and said: “Here’s looking at Euclid” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2022, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2707 "2022-11-14T15:37:08Z")
### Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer.” Wife texts back 10 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.” * * * ### My favorite Disney movie is _The Hunchback of Notre Dame_. I love a hero with a twisted back story. * * * ### I’m writing a movie about Pinocchio joining the mob: _Woodfellas_ ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2022, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2708 "2022-11-14T15:39:37Z")
If life hands you melons… perhaps you’re dyslexic. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2022, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2709 "2022-11-15T13:27:41Z")
### My alcoholism is screwing up my law career. Every time I go to pass the bar… …I just go in. * * * ### My daughter asked me, “What do ballerinas wear?”, and I did not remember. I feel bad that I couldn’t put tu and tu together. * * * ### Why did the Mandalorian buy protein powder? It is the whey. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2022, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2710 "2022-11-15T13:30:04Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### My alcoholism is screwing up my law career. > > Every time I go to pass the bar… > > …I just go in. > > * * * SNL [did that one this past weekend](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ta1Volfoob8). ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2022, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2711 "2022-11-15T18:11:58Z")
So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: “Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I’m all out of ideas at the moment, I’m kind of bored with the standard action flicks.” Chuck says: “Don’t you have any ideas?” “Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers” That’s when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: “That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!” “And who will you be, Arnold?” “I’ll be Bach.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=134) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=136)