# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 145
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2023, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2892 "2023-01-10T19:38:02Z")
### “Hi, my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic.” “Sir, this is Triple A, not AA.” “I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake.” * * * ### My girlfriend asked me if I’ve seen the dog bowl.. I said “I didn’t even know he could.” * * * ### Why didn’t the life guard save the drowning hippie ? Because he was too far out, man…. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2023, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2893 "2023-01-10T22:09:19Z")
What did the hippie call all his ex-wives? One Mrs. Hippie, Two Mrs. Hippie… ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2023, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2894 "2023-01-10T22:25:01Z")
I’ll share that one, but I’m changing the punchline to ‘Mrs. Hippie One, Mrs. Hippie Two, Mrs. Hippie Three…’ because I always count the number of seconds after that number of seconds has past. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2023, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2895 "2023-01-11T06:40:32Z")
You’ve got to be the first person I’ve ever encountered who counts “Mississippi seconds” backwards like that. … then again, how often does the topic come up? Perhaps many of you strange backwards-counters walk among us. Do you hang your toilet paper backwards, too? 🤨 ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2023, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2896 "2023-01-11T11:53:36Z")
Teacher: Henry, give me a sentence starting with " I ". Henry: I is… Teacher: No, Henry. Always say, “I am.” Henry: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.” Teacher: Henry, how do you spell “crocodile”? Henry: “K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L” Teacher: No, that’s wrong Henry: Maybe it’s wrong, but you ask me how I spell it. Teacher: Henry give me two pronouns. Henry : Who, me? Teacher: Henry, I know you are bad at spelling, that’s why I told you to write down this sentence 10 times. Why did you write it only 4 times? Henry: I’m also bad at math. Henry: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet Henry: OK abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz Teacher: Where’s the p? Henry: Half way down my leg. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2023, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2897 "2023-01-11T15:08:25Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > You’ve got to be the first person I’ve ever encountered who counts “Mississippi seconds” backwards like that. > > Do you hang your toilet paper backwards, too? 🤨 Counting the second first doesn’t make sense, because a second hasn’t passed when you say the number. It would be like calling a newborn baby a year old, or saying a new decade starts with a zero year. A second hasn’t passed until after you say ‘Mississippi’. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2023, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2898 "2023-01-11T15:34:42Z")
### When God called for all the dinosaurs to return to him in Heaven, that was the Velocirapture. * * * ### What do you call thunder and lightning in a tea cup A storm brewing * * * ### Why were the tangerine and the mango so romantic? Together, they tango. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2023, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2899 "2023-01-11T16:09:49Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > Teacher: Henry, give me a sentence starting with " I ". > Henry: I is… > Teacher: No, Henry. Always say, “I am.” > Henry: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.” The teacher said, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” From the back of the room Henry piped up, “Yeah, right.” ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2023, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2900 "2023-01-12T20:06:07Z")
According to the National Missing and Unidentified Persons (NamUS) database, more than 600,000 people go missing annually. You would think the price of kidneys would go down. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2023, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2901 "2023-01-12T21:57:41Z")
That reminds me of a bit from Conan O’Brien’s show: They say prostitution is a victimless crime. If that’s true, then where’s my wallet? That witch stole my wallet!! ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2023, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2902 "2023-01-13T10:29:52Z")
Police officer: You failed your drug test Me: That’s because I had a poppy seed bagel for breakfast Police officer: How do you explain the marijuana and cocaine? Me: It was an everything bagel ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2023, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2903 "2023-01-13T15:50:30Z")
### Going into open heart surgery I asked the doctor how long am I going to be in the hospital?? He said, if all goes well, about a week… if it doesn’t, about 30 minutes.. [credit: Rodney Dangerfield] * * * ### Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic? He does 18 holes a day. * * * ### A political joke for both sides: Joe Biden has forgotten more about governing than Trump ever learned. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2023, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2904 "2023-01-14T18:10:08Z")
### “When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat…” the vowels." Friend: “Why?” Me: “Sometimes.” * * * ### I asked a plumber what time it was. He told me it was between 8 AM and 4 PM. * * * ### I can’t lift a ton of chicken soup but I can lift a ton of pho. Because a pho ton is light. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2023, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2905 "2023-01-14T18:22:30Z")
Doctor: I’m sorry but your tests say that you have a disease that is 100% fatal. Patient: Isn’t there anything we can do? Doctor: Well, there is a spa down the road that has special medicinal mud baths. You can try that. Patient: Will it cure me or at least give me more time? Doctor: No, but it will get you used to being covered in dirt. Doctor: I’ve got bad news: Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I didn’t know you were into astrology Doctor: I’m not. My thermometer just broke. The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like My wife says that’s not what “You could have a stroke at any moment” means. Patient: Are you a James Bond fan? Doctor: No ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2023, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2906 "2023-01-14T18:26:53Z")
Nitpicker-Mercury cant be in another planet, it has to be in a sign. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2023, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2907 "2023-01-14T18:36:45Z")
Well, the doctor _did_ say he wasn’t into astrology. mmm ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2023, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2908 "2023-01-15T02:34:49Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_97,w_100,c_scale/v200/6605132b0982e64ca45904feef1c214b) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_97,w_100,c_scale/v200/6605132b0982e64ca45904feef1c214b) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2023, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2909 "2023-01-15T02:38:39Z")
[![](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_98,w_100,c_scale/v200/7ddc8b082ee50eeb751fcc86858a1f9f) ](https://images.spot.im/image/upload/q_70,fl_lossy,dpr_3,h_98,w_100,c_scale/v200/7ddc8b082ee50eeb751fcc86858a1f9f) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2023, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2910 "2023-01-15T02:40:33Z")
Is that a joke, or a political jab? (Certain people claimed that COVID was being blamed for every death so that hospitals could get money. Or something.) ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2023, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/2911 "2023-01-15T02:55:23Z")
It’s just “Florida Man.” I posted it for the chuckle. Some people blame everyone’s death on the vaccine too. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=144) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=146)