# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 156
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2023, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3112 "2023-03-07T14:34:41Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > I can’t get my car fixed, because I don’t know any Quantum mechanics. The big problem with driving the Volkswagen Quantum was, if you looked at the speedometer you had no idea where you were; if you checked a map you had no idea how fast you were going. ---
**Author:** ![K364](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k364/32/5_2.png) [@K364](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K364)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2023, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3113 "2023-03-07T15:24:26Z")
And the entanglement with other cars is a big problem as well. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2023, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3114 "2023-03-07T15:36:57Z")
### Why did the quantum physicist have such toned abs? Because they planck constant. * * * ### Why do physicists never share their feelings? Because their feelings have no matter. * * * ### How does a physicists propose a threesome? He says he wants to perform the double-slit experiment. * * * ### A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball. The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume. The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced. The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number. * * * ### Marie Curie was a brilliant physicist but Einstein was exponentially smarter than her. E = M.C.² ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2023, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3115 "2023-03-07T22:33:21Z")
There are three unwritten rules for a happy life: 1. 2. 3. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2023, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3116 "2023-03-07T22:41:34Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Why did the quantum physicist have such toned abs? > > Because they planck constant. Y’know, everyone’s always looking for a piece of the action. But Planck already found it. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2023, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3117 "2023-03-07T22:43:24Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > Y’know, everyone’s always looking for a piece of the action. But Planck already found it. 'k. … ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2023, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3118 "2023-03-08T13:53:04Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### How does a physicists propose a threesome? > > He says he wants to perform the double-slit experiment. Groan… 🤦‍♂️ 😊 I guess physicists don’t go for devil’s threesomes, then, eh? But if they did…? > **[The Twin-Rod Thought Experiment](https://ui.adsabs.harvard.edu/abs/1972AmJPh..40.1091W/abstract)** > > Einstein's 1911 twin-rod thought experiment is analyzed, and some of its implications for the physical status of length-contraction within the special theory of relativity are examined. Contrary to a widespread view, it is shown that the twin-rod... ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2023, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3119 "2023-03-08T14:05:44Z")
### Tell us you’re wealthy without telling us you’re wealthy. “Jeeves, tell those people I’m wealthy.” * * * ### Not to brag, I aced the drug test at work today. Nobody scored higher than me. * * * ### How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? Tell them you can’t come. * * * ### How do the pancakes hoodwink the bacon and eggs? Surreptitiously * * * ### Today is International Woman’s Day. Yesterday was International Libraries Day… They sure kept that quiet. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2023, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3120 "2023-03-08T14:29:10Z")
I don’t know what HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of them. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2023, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3121 "2023-03-08T20:55:26Z")
Huh? Discourse. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2023, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3122 "2023-03-08T22:14:09Z")
80HD = ADHD more Discourse ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2023, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3123 "2023-03-08T22:50:57Z")
Ah. I was reading HD80. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2023, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3124 "2023-03-08T23:37:28Z")
OK, that one is a bit arcane, maybe. A ratio of energy per frequency has the technical name “action”, and is useful in a number of physics contexts. Planck’s constant, then, is the smallest possible action. The piece of the action, as it were. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2023, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3125 "2023-03-09T02:49:27Z")
**I invented a thought-controlled air freshener.** It makes scents when you think about it. ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2023, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3126 "2023-03-09T03:11:29Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### New York is where you find the Big Apple. > > Minnesota is where the Minneapolis. > **[“Greetings From The Minneapple” Vintage Postcard - Minneapolis Minnesota Twins...](https://www.ebay.com/itm/225018636242)** > > “Greetings From The Minneapple” Postcard. Tourism card from 1981. Put out by the Minneapolis Chamber of Commerce and the Minnesota Twins along WLOL FM. It measures approximately 6” x 4 1/2”. It has not been posted, but shows a lot of wear. It has... ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2023, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3127 "2023-03-09T12:49:11Z")
### I told my tailor his prices were outrageous. He told me to suit myself. * * * ### What’s red and shaped like a bucket? A blue bucket painted red. * * * ### Why do fish live in salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze. * * * ### The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. * * * ### Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver. ---
**Author:** ![kwintenstraler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kwintenstraler/32/10698_2.png) [@kwintenstraler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kwintenstraler)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2023, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3128 "2023-03-09T18:05:08Z")
“Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.” “No, no, you’re thinking Neil.” “Fine, whatever, the first guy to _kneel_ on the moon.” ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2023, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3129 "2023-03-09T19:20:35Z")
“I am Buzz Aldrin, second man to walk on the Moon. Neil before me!” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2023, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3130 "2023-03-10T15:35:35Z")
### A man goes into a pub with a cat sitting on his head. The bartender pulls him a pint and says, “Look I don’t know if you know it but there’s a cat sitting on your head.” “What of it?” asks the man. “I always wear a cat on my head on a Monday.” “But today’s Tuesday,” replies the bartender. “Oh, God. Is it?” says the man. “I must look a fool.” * * * ### A mother is getting ready to go out with her small son. “Where are you going?” asks the boy’s father. “I’m taking Billy to the zoo,” says Mom. “Lazy bastards,” says the father. “If they want him tell them they can pick him up themselves.” * * * ### Ballet dancers are always dancing around on their toes. Why don’t they hire taller dancers? * * * ### Teacher: “Johnny, I believe you copied off Jimmy in the exams.” Johnny: “How can you tell?” Teacher: “Whenever Jimmy’s written ‘I don’t know’ next to a question, you’ve put ‘Neither do I.’” * * * ### "My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday." - Rodney Dangerfield ---
**Author:** ![Jaycat.again](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat.again/32/11525_2.png) [@Jaycat.again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaycat.again)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2023, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3131 "2023-03-10T18:03:55Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### A mother is getting ready to go out with her small son. > > “Where are you going?” asks the boy’s father. > “I’m taking Billy to the zoo,” says Mom. > “Lazy bastards,” says the father. “If they want him tell them they can pick him up themselves.” A cop pulls over a guy who has two monkeys in the car. ‘Where are you going with those monkeys?’ ‘I’m taking them to the movies.’ ‘Shouldn’t you take them to the zoo?’ ‘Naw, I took them there last week.’ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=155) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=157)