# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 158
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2023, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3152 "2023-03-15T13:09:41Z")
### Not only is smoking bad for you, but it’s one of the leading causes of statistics. * * * ### Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. * * * ### A vasectomy is never having to say you’re sorry. * * * ### A theater usher notices a man stretched across three seats. He walks over and whispers, “Sorry, sir, but you’re allowed only one seat.” The man moans but doesn’t budge. “Sir, if you don’t move, I’ll have to call the manager,” says the usher. Again the man moans but stays put. The usher returns with the manager who also asks him to move without success. Finally they call a cop. “All right, buddy,” says the cop. “What’s your name?” “Joe,” mumbles the man. “Where you from, Joe?” asks the cop. The man whispers, “The balcony.” * * * ### Harry and Tom are walking down the road. Harry turns to Tom and says, “If you had two Rolls-Royce convertibles would you give one to me?” Tom replies, “We’ve been friend for years, of course I’d give you one.” Harry then says, “And if you had two speedboats, would you give me one of them as well?” Tom replies, “After all we’ve been through together I surely would give you a speedboat.” Harry says, “So what if you had two chickens. Could I have one of those?” “No,” says Tom. “I’d keep both of them.” Harry says, “Why? You’d give me a car and a boat but you wouldn’t give me a chicken? What’s the difference?” Tom replies, “The difference is, you know darn well that I’ve got two chickens." ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2023, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3153 "2023-03-15T13:11:27Z")
My wife: You don’t like blowing air at me, do you? Me: I’m not a fan. . . . . . (came up with this one myself) ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2023, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3154 "2023-03-15T13:20:37Z")
Like it! Reminds me of an old favourite of mine (which has probably been in the thread already, but what the hell): Two wind turbines are talking, one says “So, what’s your favourite type of music?”. The other one replies “I’m a big metal fan”. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2023, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3155 "2023-03-15T13:43:01Z")
I like trying to find ways to mold these jokes into Boy Scout skits. Two scouts are trying to light a fire 1st scout - We have some embers going keep blowing on it while I grab some tinder 2nd scout does nothing and lets the ember go out 1st scout - What’s the deal, you have a problem with blowing air? 2nd scout - I’m not a fan. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2023, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3156 "2023-03-15T17:46:12Z")
Well done. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2023, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3157 "2023-03-15T23:28:16Z")
What’s the difference between a four-year-old-child and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2023, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3158 "2023-03-16T01:49:40Z")
### Actual headline: [Gwyneth Paltrow claims rectal ozone therapy has been ‘very helpful’](https://www.bing.com/ck/a?!&&p=820b6689d330c203JmltdHM9MTY3ODgzODQwMCZpZ3VpZD0wZjMzNzY0ZC0wMzY5LTYwNDAtMzVjZi02NjM1MDJjMTYxMzkmaW5zaWQ9NTI2Mw&ptn=3&hsh=3&fclid=0f33764d-0369-6040-35cf-663502c16139&u=a1aHR0cHM6Ly91ay5uZXdzLnlhaG9vLmNvbS9nd3luZXRoLXBhbHRyb3ctY2xhaW1zLXJlY3RhbC1vem9uZS0wMjU5MDMwMDEuaHRtbA&ntb=1). Ahem. Blow it up your ass, Gwyneth. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2023, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3159 "2023-03-16T01:50:24Z")
Sorry, not every joke is going to be a winner, but this seems vile. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2023, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3160 "2023-03-16T01:56:39Z")
I had to google that. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2023, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3161 "2023-03-16T11:50:42Z")
too soon. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2023, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3162 "2023-03-16T12:20:07Z")
Apologies. ### I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon. Neil before me. * * * ### What did the dog say when it ran into the tree? Bark! * * * ### What do you call a pig that jumped over a barbed wire fence? Pulled pork. * * * ### Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they have honeycombs. * * * ### When it comes to doing my taxes online… the state taxes are the lesser of two eFiles. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2023, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3163 "2023-03-16T13:20:44Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Actual headline: [Gwyneth Paltrow claims rectal ozone therapy has been ‘very helpful’](https://www.bing.com/ck/a?!&&p=820b6689d330c203JmltdHM9MTY3ODgzODQwMCZpZ3VpZD0wZjMzNzY0ZC0wMzY5LTYwNDAtMzVjZi02NjM1MDJjMTYxMzkmaW5zaWQ9NTI2Mw&ptn=3&hsh=3&fclid=0f33764d-0369-6040-35cf-663502c16139&u=a1aHR0cHM6Ly91ay5uZXdzLnlhaG9vLmNvbS9nd3luZXRoLXBhbHRyb3ctY2xhaW1zLXJlY3RhbC1vem9uZS0wMjU5MDMwMDEuaHRtbA&ntb=1). > > Ahem. Blow it up your ass, Gwyneth. Bravo! 👏 👏 👏 She certainly has a lot of wacky ideas about proper care and maintenance of her nether regions. > **[Sorry, Gwyneth Paltrow, but steaming your vagina is a bad idea](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/30/sorry-gwyneth-paltrow-but-steaming-your-vagina-is-a-bad-idea)** > > Paltrow’s lifestyle site goop.com recommends an “infrared and mugwort steam” treatment. Dr Ann Robinson suggests you think before straddling the kettle ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2023, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3164 "2023-03-16T13:49:50Z")
God help me, I laughed. (I might not have before Clapton went all COVID-kooky). ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2023, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3165 "2023-03-16T14:03:06Z")
Did I tell you about my idea for a mind controlled air freshener? It makes scents when you think about it! ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2023, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3166 "2023-03-16T14:53:36Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Apologies. > > ### I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon. > > Neil before me. Well, I just posted that last week, but next time be careful. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2023, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3167 "2023-03-16T16:45:50Z")
All right, I will. Here’s a replacement joke. ### What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2023, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3168 "2023-03-17T16:49:29Z")
### What do you call an Irish spider? Paddy Longlegs. * * * ### Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? It was too far to walk. * * * ### When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato? When it’s a French fry. * * * ### How old are leprechauns? So old they remember when rainbows were black-and-white. * * * ### Knock, knock. Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a Happy St. Patrick’s Day. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2023, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3169 "2023-03-17T19:46:59Z")
OK, time for this one again… O’Leary was lying in his deathbed, with perhaps only hours left to live, when he smelled the rich aroma of corned beef and cabbage wafting up from the kitchen. ‘Wife!’ he called to his wife, ‘Before I pass, I’d like one more bowl of your fine corned beef and cabbage, if ye’d be so kind as to bring me some.’ He wife called back, ‘Sure’n I can’t do that! I’m savin’ it for the wake!’ ---
**Author:** ![mordecaiB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mordecaib/32/7725_2.png) [@mordecaiB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mordecaiB)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2023, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3170 "2023-03-17T20:42:34Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I stabbed a zombie, put a stake in the vampire’s heart, and beat to death the Devil himself, > > and my wife yelled from the other room, “You’re supposed to give them candy, Frank!” Funny! Little jokes like these make me wish I could actually remember jokes longer than a day. 🙁 > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### How does a physicists propose a threesome? > > He says he wants to perform the double-slit experiment. That’s naughty! > [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > I’ve only had 3 cups of coffee so far. Could someone explain the genie joke for me? > > mmm > [@solost](#): > > It boils down to “be careful what you wish for”. As a guy who’s just naturally irresistible to women, I can understand the punchline better than most.\* > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > You might think it would be nice to be irresistible to women, but remember that includes ugly women, old women, mafia boss’s wives, etc., etc. It can only end in tears. > [@Cheesesteak](#): > > I don’t think the joke is about being irresistible, it’s about a wish going so bad that the second wish is to put everything back the way it was… then you use your last wish to make the same horrible wish that went bad. Damn, we hit the explaining jokes threshold. That’s going to slow the thread down. Thanks, **Mean\_Mr.Mustard**. > [@RickJay](#): > > What’s the difference between a four-year-old-child and a bag of cocaine? I can’t believe I didn’t see that coming. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2023, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3171 "2023-03-17T22:04:03Z")
**What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?** One less drunk. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=157) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=159)