# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 161
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2023, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3212 "2023-03-25T13:35:05Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### My wife was very disappointed when I told her I had the words “I Love You” tattooed on my penis. > > She said, “There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.” A man is on vacation in Jamaica. He’s relieving himself at a urinal, next to a Jamaican who works at the resort. He says to the Jamaican, “hey, sorry to stare— I couldn’t help but notice you have the name ‘Wendy’ tattooed on your penis. So do I! It’s my wife’s name. What a coincidence!” The Jamaican says, “the A/C in here is a little cold for my liking. My tattoo actually says ‘Welcome to Jamaica! Have a nice day’”. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2023, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3213 "2023-03-25T17:38:05Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > * * * > > ### I don’t trust atoms. > > If you run them through a background check, you’ll see they always carry charges. And they make up everything. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2023, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3214 "2023-03-25T19:52:18Z")
Reese Witherspoon is getting divorced from her spooning partner of 12 years: > **[Reese Witherspoon announces divorce from husband Jim Toth | CNN](https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/24/entertainment/reese-witherspoon-jim-toth-split/index.html)** > > Reese Witherspoon and her husband Jim Toth are divorcing after 12 years of marriage. She’ll now be known as ‘Reese Withouterspoon’. What, too spoon? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2023, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3215 "2023-03-26T15:29:11Z")
### The pastor asked a little girl why one should remain quiet in church. The little girl replied ‘because everyone is sleeping.’ * * * ### What’s the most persuasive argument against democracy? “Have you ever worked in retail?” * * * ### If vegans have an argument… Is it still called a beef? * * * ### Who’s the Death Star’s greatest country singer? Darth Brooks. * * * ### I think the Russian invasion of Ukraine was caused by a translation error. The Russian military invading Ukraine all have Z’s, and the Ukrainians fighting back are the “Not Z’s”. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2023, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3216 "2023-03-27T13:25:52Z")
### If everyone in the world held their hands together around the equator, most of them would drown. * * * ### My teacher told me I didn’t deserve an “A” for my paper. He berated me. * * * ### The only thing flat earthers fear… is sphere itself. * * * ### The inventor of Tetris passed away recently, and his casket was buried vertically. The entire cemetery disappeared. * * * ### Fasting isn’t expect of Muslim children until puberty. That means all Muslim children grow up to fast. ---
**Author:** ![dirtball](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dirtball/32/18772_2.png) [@dirtball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dirtball)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2023, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3217 "2023-03-27T15:29:09Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### My teacher told me I didn’t deserve an “A” for my paper. > > He berated me. Well, that’s not as bad as getting degraded, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2023, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3218 "2023-03-27T21:42:58Z")
Or F’ed over. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2023, 9:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3219 "2023-03-28T09:18:00Z")
**Did you know that Peruvian owls tend to hunt in packs?** Because they’re Inca hoots. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2023, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3220 "2023-03-28T10:58:53Z")
How long does it take to explain the difference between anarchy and monarchy? Just a mo. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2023, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3221 "2023-03-28T12:26:58Z")
### Pillsbury Doughboy death notice. Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly. Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects; including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Capt. Crunch. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and raised in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being flakey at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, and his three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough. He and his wife also had one in the oven. He is also survived by his father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2023, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3222 "2023-03-28T12:33:24Z")
### I’ve fought Medusa before. First I was afraid, then I was petrified. * * * ### Why are the banks collapsing? Dunno, they can’t account for their problems. * * * ### I lost my job as a clown, so I’m selling my car. It’s a real deal. 11,000 miles, seats 26. * * * ### What happens when someone hits you with high frequency? It hertz. * * * ### Elton John’s put on a bit of weight recently. Goodbye, normal jeans. ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2023, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3223 "2023-03-29T11:29:10Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### A little girl goes to her local library to take out a book called Advice for Young Mothers. > > “Why do you want a book like that?” says the librarian. > The little girl replies, “Because I collect moths.” Joke of the week ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2023, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3224 "2023-03-29T11:57:50Z")
Glad you liked it. * * * ### A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!” “What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.” “This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman. “What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?” “My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!” “What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.” “That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I used a different rooster,” he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!” * * * ### Nobody was scared when the clown invasion started at the beach ”I mean, it’s just one boat” they said. ”How bad can it be?”. * * * ### I was so bored I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary. I learned Next to Nothing. * * * ### What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium. * * * ### My son is rehearsing for a part as a dictionary It’s going to be a play on words. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2023, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3225 "2023-03-29T13:27:47Z")
**I’ve been trying for years to get a professional hide and seek tournament going.** But good players are hard to find. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2023, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3226 "2023-03-30T13:14:07Z")
### I lost my left hand in an accident a few years ago. It drives my girlfriend crazy. She’s a palm reader and wants to know what happens next. * * * ### I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest. –Steven Wright * * * ### Why are bears large, brown and hairy? Because if they were small, white and smooth, they’d be eggs. * * * ### Clones are people two. * * * ### A man goes into a butcher shop. The butcher points to some beef hanging from the rack and says, “I bet you $10 that you can’t touch that meat.” “No thanks,” replies the man. “The steaks are too high.” ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2023, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3227 "2023-03-31T04:47:29Z")
The Opening Day baseball game was played in Oakland against Los Angeles. Although some in the crowd were Angels fans, most were Athletics supporters. ---
**Author:** ![colinfred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colinfred/32/21338_2.png) [@colinfred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colinfred)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2023, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3228 "2023-03-31T15:45:50Z")
**How does The Rock urinate?** He dwaines his johnson. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2023, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3229 "2023-03-31T17:14:32Z")
> [@solost](#): > > She’ll now be known as ‘Reese Withouterspoon’. > > What, too spoon? One of my longtime favorites was to ask, **“Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed? Reese something or another?”** Then when your listener says, _“Witherspoon”_ you say, **“No, with a KNIFE, silly!”** Everyone I know is SO sick of that one! ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [March 31, 2023, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3230 "2023-03-31T19:30:00Z")
A baby boy was born with no eyelids. The doctor says, “This isn’t a big deal. He was circumcised, so we’ll just use the foreskin to create eyelids.” Afterwards, the doctor proclaimed the surgery a success, but the parents complained, “Now he’s cockeyed!” ---
**Author:** ![Ignatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3be4f8/32.png) [@Ignatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignatz)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2023, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3231 "2023-04-01T01:22:50Z")
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