# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 162
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2023, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3232 "2023-04-01T02:34:45Z")
He should see it coming. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2023, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3233 "2023-04-01T11:20:49Z")
I’ve been meaning to post this one since I first saw the MPSIMS thread, and [this thread](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/mpsims-will-be-getting-a-minor-rename-to-miscellaneous-and-personal-stuff-i-must-share/981943) and Derleth’s reply brought it to mind. From circa 1530, reported by Erasmus: While saying the Latin Mass, an elderly priest perpetually used the incorrect word “sumpsimus” instead of the correct “mumpsimus”. When a younger priest tried to get him to change his practice, he said, “I’ve been saying it for 40 years. I’m keeping my old mumpsimus, and you can take your new sumpsimus out of here.” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2023, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3234 "2023-04-01T11:29:15Z")
### Two men were fishing in a kayak when they became cold. They lit a fire in the kayak, which burned through the bottom and they sank. Which goes to show, you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. * * * ### Farmer Brown had an attractive young wife. He discovered he couldn’t keep his hands off of her. So he fired them. * * * ### A man swallowed all of the tiles from a Scrabble game. The doctor said the problem will eventually work itself out, but not in so many words. * * * ### How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one; they don’t like to share the spotlight. * * * ### I have learned a lot from my mistakes. If I had to do it all over again, I’m sure I could repeat them exactly. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2023, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3235 "2023-04-01T12:37:23Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done, > > so now I just have to fill in the rest. > –Steven Wright This is literally how I FINALLY got started on my dissertation. Then, I formatted the (future) text by copy-pasting “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” throughout. Two years later, one of the last actions before printing it was to Ctrl-F for that phrase, to make sure I hadn’t missed any. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2023, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3236 "2023-04-01T12:42:30Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > A man swallowed all of the tiles from a Scrabble game. His next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster. ---
**Author:** ![abcdefghij](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/43a26b/32.png) [@abcdefghij](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/abcdefghij)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2023, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3237 "2023-04-01T13:26:50Z")
> [@JKellyMap](#): > > Then, I formatted the (future) text by copy-pasting “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” throughout. Married to Shelly Duvall at the time? ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2023, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3238 "2023-04-01T14:03:03Z")
Precisely! ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2023, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3239 "2023-04-01T21:09:42Z")
> [@JKellyMap](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > A man swallowed all of the tiles from a Scrabble game. > > His next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster. Well, it probably wouldn’t be too bad if he only had a vowel movement. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2023, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3240 "2023-04-02T10:44:23Z")
### It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for. “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his father told him. “Wouldn’t you know it,” Johnny fumed, “the one Sunday I don’t go and He shows up!” * * * ### The police pulled me over. An officer came up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said “Scissors!” and sped away. They’ve been following me for nine blocks. I think he wants a rematch. * * * ### I’ve managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety. I’m so glad alcohol doesn’t dictate my life any more. * * * ### I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail. But apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition. * * * ### Hey, what’s the deal with Orion’s belt? It’s just a waste of space. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2023, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3241 "2023-04-02T11:12:09Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > waste waist? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2023, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3242 "2023-04-02T11:16:30Z")
Homonym humor. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2023, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3243 "2023-04-03T11:26:11Z")
My wife asked me why I was yelling at my Easter candy. I told her I’m just giving a shout-out to my peeps. * * * When I was a child my parents filled my head with nonsense like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Now that I’m older and wiser, I don’t believe in that sort of nonsense, thank God. * * * What beer should you drink on Easter?? Rolling Rock * * * Name one good thing about having dementia. You can hide your own Easter eggs. * * * Could someone help me with my crossword clue, “Where they nailed Jesus”? It’s 2 across. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2023, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3244 "2023-04-03T11:40:51Z")
It must have been hard for him to find an A&E. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2023, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3245 "2023-04-03T11:46:01Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > > [@JKellyMap](#): > > > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > > > A man swallowed all of the tiles from a Scrabble game. > > > > His next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster. > > Well, it probably wouldn’t be too bad if he only had a vowel movement. > > mmm No word on his condition yet. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2023, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3246 "2023-04-03T11:54:01Z")
### I hope Death is a woman. That way, she won’t come for me. * * * ### What do you call a bunch of deaf people? I don’t know, but it’s definitely not a herd. * * * ### How do fish get high? Seaweed * * * ### I was raised as an only child. It was very difficult for my sister. * * * ### My friend says he climbed to the top of Mt. Everest last year. But he tells a lot of tall tales, so I’m not sure if he made it up. ---
**Author:** ![kwintenstraler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kwintenstraler/32/10698_2.png) [@kwintenstraler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kwintenstraler)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2023, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3247 "2023-04-03T12:45:03Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > Name one good thing about having dementia. > You can hide your own Easter eggs. There are even 3 good things about having dementia: 1. You meet new people every day 2. You can hide your own Easter eggs 3. You meet new people evert day ---
**Author:** ![Dogginit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dogginit/32/16920_2.png) [@Dogginit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogginit)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2023, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3248 "2023-04-03T18:57:56Z")
A mohel decided to retire after 40 years of practice. All those 40 years he had saved each and every foreskin. Upon retirement, he took all the foreskins to a leather shop, and asked the proprietor to craft something from them. After two weeks, he’s called back to the leather shop, and handed a change purse. “After 40 years, collecting all those foreskins, all I get is a coin purse?” The proprietor replied, “Stroke it a little, it turns into a 3-piece set of luggage!” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2023, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3249 "2023-04-03T19:36:44Z")
There was a mohel who was so well-known, they called him Max the Knife. Thank you! Try the calamari! ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2023, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3250 "2023-04-03T19:44:15Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > Thank you! Try the calamari! It’s not kosher. ---
**Author:** ![abcdefghij](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/43a26b/32.png) [@abcdefghij](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/abcdefghij)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2023, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3251 "2023-04-03T19:45:56Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > It’s not kosher. What if it chews its cud? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=161) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=163)