# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 166
**Author:** ![dirtball](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dirtball/32/18772_2.png) [@dirtball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dirtball)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2023, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3312 "2023-04-17T14:11:59Z")
These sure are some crummy jokes. ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2023, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3313 "2023-04-17T16:12:26Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > So then I went to the German bakery, where they greeted me as I entered. > > “Gluten tag!” Don’t try the gift shop there. I hear it’s pure poison. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2023, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3314 "2023-04-18T14:41:28Z")
### What’s orange and lives in a forest, but isn’t a fox? I lied. It was a fox. * * * ### A snake walked into a bar. The bartender said, “How did you do that?” * * * ### I’m really tired about people coming to my door and telling me I have to be “saved” or I’ll “burn”. Stupid firefighters. * * * ### Why don’t calculus majors throw house party. They know you can’t drink and derive. * * * ### If you’re bad at delegating… …get someone else to do it. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2023, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3315 "2023-04-19T12:19:57Z")
### I caught my kid reading _Fahrenheit 451_, and asked him how he liked it. He said, “It’s pretty lit.” * * * ### Did you hear the one about the guy who owned 40 cats and a pet boa constrictor? Sorry… 39 cats and a pet boa constrictor… * * * ### I’ve decided I want a pet termite. I’m going to call him Clint. Clint Eatswood * * * ### A walkie-talkie invited a lump of coal to dinner and a movie. Classic example of radio-carbon dating. * * * ### Why did the walrus feel bad about himself? Because he was untuskworthy. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2023, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3316 "2023-04-19T13:25:06Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I’ve decided I want a pet termite. I’m going to call him Clint. > > Clint Eatswood Ha, love a good bad pun. **Clint the termite walks into a bar.** Asks, “is the bar tender here?” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2023, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3317 "2023-04-19T13:52:08Z")
A termite couple in a restaurant: “Table for two, please.” ---
**Author:** ![kk\_fusion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kk_fusion/32/15276_2.png) [@kk\_fusion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kk_fusion)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2023, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3318 "2023-04-19T15:58:22Z")
A little late, but … Jesus: Table for 26 please. Tavern owner: But … you guys are only 13? Jesus: Yeah, but we all like to sit on the same side. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2023, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3319 "2023-04-19T21:29:49Z")
Da Vinci was far ahead of his time in his understanding of sitcom camera framing. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2023, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3320 "2023-04-19T22:02:08Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline. Thank God this didn’t go where I was expecting. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2023, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3321 "2023-04-20T12:19:11Z")
### A beautiful woman walks into a bar. “What’ll it be?” asks the bartender. “I’ll have a double entendre,” she said… So he gave it to her. * * * ### There’s a highway to hell but a stairway to heaven. Says a lot about traffic expectations. * * * ### I was recently diagnosed with fear of giants: Fee-fi-phobia. * * * ### Me (shaking a Magic 8-Ball): Will my vision ever get better? Coconut: * * * ### I’m not saying she’s a gold digger… …but she does have an unusual amount of mining equipment. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2023, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3322 "2023-04-20T15:48:49Z")
no message ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2023, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3323 "2023-04-20T21:40:16Z")
_Heard at a medical conference:_ Jean-Claude invites his friend Jean-Charles to his theme party where everyone has to come dressed as an emotion. He greets his first guest, who is dressed from head to toe in red. “Nice to see you, Jean Luc. But can you explain your costume?” “Jean-Claude, I am red with hanger!” “Great costume! Come into the party!” He greets his second guest, who is dressed from head to toe in green. “Nice to see you, Jean Jacques. But can you explain your costume?” “Jean-Claude, I am green with henvy!” “Great costume! Come into the party!” Then he sees his friend Jean-Charles. He is naked. But on closer look, his privates are mostly covered by a small fruit. “That is an unusual costume! Can you explain?” “Jean-Claude, I am fucking in dis pear!” (Apologies for the stereotypical accents and such. If it is any consolation the joke was told by a Quebecois doctor.) ---
**Author:** ![Thing.Fish](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thing.fish/32/9168_2.png) [@Thing.Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thing.Fish)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2023, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3324 "2023-04-21T02:11:33Z")
He forgot about Jean-Jacket, who then arrived, also naked, but with a pie pan covering his privates, surrounded by a bunch of gooey yellowish stuff. When asked what emotion he was, he replied “I’m fucking dis custard!” ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2023, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3325 "2023-04-21T09:01:17Z")
Yup, I first heard that joke as 2 Jamaicans arriving at the party - “I am fucking dis custard, and my friend is in dis pear.”. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2023, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3326 "2023-04-21T12:40:56Z")
### I just flew in from a Transformers convention… …and, boy, my arms are tires. * * * ### Gas stations are running out of gas in Florida, and drivers are panic buying, fearing a shortage. It’s a self-fuelfilling prophecy. * * * ### Scientists have invented a pill that will cure your thirst. Of course, you do have to take it with two full glasses of water. * * * ### Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore. There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail. * * * ### Don’t get in line behind Satan at the tax office: The devil takes many forms. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2023, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3327 "2023-04-21T14:08:41Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Scientists have invented a pill that will cure your thirst. > > Of course, you do have to take it with two full glasses of water. **There’s a sure cure for the common cold.** Wrap yourself up in blankets, and drink three or four glasses of scotch. Repeat daily. In a week or ten days, you’ll be well! ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2023, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3328 "2023-04-21T20:40:17Z")
[This has a better effect when spoken] Q: Did you hear about the guy who bowled three hundred and one? A: No - tell me about it. Q: Did you ever see someone bowl three hundred and lose? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2023, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3329 "2023-04-21T20:44:03Z")
Yep, that’s one I learned as a kid. It reminds me of this physical joke: I have eleven fingers. What? No, you don’t! Sure I do! _[counting fingers on one hand]_ One, two, three, four, five… _[counting fingers on the other hand]_ Ten, nine, eight, seven, six. Six and five are eleven! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2023, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3330 "2023-04-22T14:22:48Z")
[I had cataract surgery yesterday. It all went well, but I’m not really seeing well enough to do much online today. Tomorrow, more jokes!] ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2023, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3331 "2023-04-22T14:24:45Z")
I don’t get that one. mmm [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=165) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=167)