# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 167
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2023, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3332 "2023-04-22T14:24:47Z")
OK, I don’t get that latest one 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2023, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3333 "2023-04-22T20:44:02Z")
[Not a joke. I had cataract surgery. I’m having trouble seeing the screen clearly.] ---
**Author:** ![K364](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k364/32/5_2.png) [@K364](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K364)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2023, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3334 "2023-04-23T01:18:11Z")
I’m in a band called dyslexia We just released our greatest shit album ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2023, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3335 "2023-04-23T10:41:03Z")
They know that ! You obviously _couldn’t_ see what they did there ! > [@K364](#): > > I’m in a band called dyslexia > > We just released our greatest shit album I bet someone’s done that ! ---
**Author:** ![TCMF-2L](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tcmf-2l/32/16553_2.png) [@TCMF-2L](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TCMF-2L)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2023, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3336 "2023-04-23T11:21:57Z")
As done by industrial band KMFDM > **[Greatest Shit](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greatest_Shit)** > > Greatest Shit is a compilation album by KMFDM. It was released on September 28, 2010. This special edition version of Würst has the same track listing as that album on its first disc, and comes with a second disc of additional mixes and edits of new and classic KMFDM tracks. Also the bootleg album Elvis’ Greatest Shit which assembled some of his worst tracks > **[Elvis' Greatest Shit](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elvis%27_Greatest_Shit)** > > Elvis' Greatest Shit is a bootleg recording of Elvis Presley, released in July 1982. It assembles a number of studio recordings—including some film scores—and outtakes intended to represent the worst recordings Presley made in his career. > The disc was assembled by a bootlegger known simply as "Richard", who thought some fans were overenthusiastic to the point of deification, and wanted to show that Presley, like most other artists, could not produce exclusively critically acclaimed work througho... TCMF-2L ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2023, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3337 "2023-04-23T12:50:03Z")
### If Marie Antoinette, Anne Boleyn, Charles I, and Louis XVI formed a band, what would its name be? The Talking Heads. * * * ### Soulja Boy is not even a soldier. Dr. Dre is not even a doctor. Adele is not even a computer. * * * ### Spotted an albino dalmatian today. It was the least I could do. * * * ### There’s no reason to be angry at lazy people: They didn’t do anything. * * * ### What do you call a grizzly bear in the rain? A drizzly bear. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2023, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3338 "2023-04-24T01:03:12Z")
**The pessimist says, ‘This can’t get any worse!’** The optimist says, ‘Of course it can!’ ---
**Author:** ![Wallaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/dc4da7/32.png) [@Wallaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallaby)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2023, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3339 "2023-04-24T02:47:16Z")
My wife told me on the phone if I didn’t leave the bar in the next 10 minutes, she’d give my dinner to the dog. I was home in 5. I love that dog. I’d hate for something to happen to him. ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2023, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3340 "2023-04-24T05:01:56Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > * * * > > * * * > > ### Spotted an albino dalmatian today. > > It was the least I could do. > > * * * That one made my day. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2023, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3341 "2023-04-24T12:03:07Z")
### If Barbie is so popular… …why do you have to buy her friends? * * * ### Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off. * * * ### My dog is so lazy, if another dog barks he won’t bark in return. He’ll just nod. * * * ### In the movies… why does every building in France have a view of the Eiffel Tower? * * * ### A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir. Only one carrion allowed per passenger.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2023, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3342 "2023-04-24T21:53:20Z")
I’ve heard that one as “Would you like to check that?” “No, it’s carrion”. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2023, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3343 "2023-04-25T02:34:06Z")
Doctor: I need a urine sample and a stool sample. Old man: What did he say? Wife: He needs your underwear. * * * Doctor, handing a newborn to the new dad: I’m very sorry, your wife didn’t make it. New dad: Well then give me the one she made. * * * ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2023, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3344 "2023-04-25T12:00:37Z")
### What is the most common question a Finnish detective asks a suspect? What where you doing the night between November and May? * * * ### My wife hates it when I bring my work home. I’m an embalmer. * * * ### The new Russian AI application **ChatKGB** - it’s asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them. * * * ### I used to work for an origami company… …but it folded. * * * ### Policeman interrupts young couple parked in cemetery He shines his flashlight in the faces of the embarrassed couple and asks “Didn’t you see the sign that says the cemetery is closed after sunset?” The young man replies "No officer, we drove in the other entrance that has the sign that says “Get lots while you’re young.” ---
**Author:** ![Wallaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/dc4da7/32.png) [@Wallaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallaby)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2023, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3345 "2023-04-26T00:30:29Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### My wife hates it when I bring my work home. > > I’m an embalmer. Sewer cleaner here. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2023, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3346 "2023-04-26T12:57:07Z")
### My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meager rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc. I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster. * * * ### If Mr. Miyagi was a plastic surgeon, what would his slogan be? Racks on, racks off. * * * ### If life gives you lemons make lemonade… If life gives you melons you’re dyslexic. * * * ### Minister: “I couldn’t help notice that your husband walked out of my sermon this morning.” Lady: “Don’t take it personally, he’s been walking in his sleep for years.” * * * ### Why is Fox News so tired? They’re all Tucker’d out. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2023, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3347 "2023-04-26T21:19:02Z")
Why did my balcony collapse? (post removed by moderator) ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2023, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3348 "2023-04-27T12:34:57Z")
😆 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2023, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3349 "2023-04-27T13:02:56Z")
### Why didn’t the ants catch COVID-19? They have little Antibodies. * * * ### A rich man, after 50 years of marriage, once looked at his wife and said: - 50 years ago, we had a small house and an old car. We slept on the couch and watched a small black-and-white TV, but every night I went to bed with a beautiful 19-year-old girl. Now I have a huge expensive house, many expensive cars, a huge bed in a luxurious bedroom, and a wide-screen color TV, but I share a bed with a 69-year-old woman. I’m starting to doubt my marriage. His wife suggested: -You can find yourself a 19-year-old girl, and I will make sure that you live again in a small house, sleep on a sagging sofa, and watch black-and-white TV. * * * ### I am terrified of escalators. I’m taking steps to mitigate my fears. * * * ### Sex is great at 50… …though I live at number 48. * * * ### Why did the stuttering prisoner die in prison? He couldn’t finish his sentence. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2023, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3350 "2023-04-27T13:18:58Z")
What makes a joke a dad joke? When it leaves to take the trash out and never returns. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2023, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3351 "2023-04-27T17:02:38Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I am terrified of escalators. > > I’m taking steps to mitigate my fears. I spent a minute or two trying to figure out an alternate meaning or a play on words for the word ‘mitigate’ when it finally dawned on me that ‘steps’ was the key to getting the punchline 🤦‍♂️ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=166) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=168)