# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 168
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2023, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3352 "2023-04-28T14:15:28Z")
### Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black & white tattoos. Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon. * * * ### The U.S. government hired Stanley Kubrick to film the fake moon landing. But he was such a stickler for detail, he insisted it be filmed on location. * * * ### People are always telling me I’ll never make it as a horse whisperer… …but there are always naysayers. * * * ### My friend is such a fan of the Royal Family he named each of his sons after a king: Henry,George, Charles, Burger. * * * ### Boss: You are four hours late! What’s your excuse? Employee: I fell from the third floor this morning. Boss: That’s 30 feet tall. It wouldn’t have taken you more than a few seconds. ---
**Author:** ![K364](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k364/32/5_2.png) [@K364](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K364)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2023, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3353 "2023-04-28T14:58:28Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### People are always telling me I’ll never make it as a horse whisperer… > > …but there are always naysayers. neighsayers ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2023, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3354 "2023-04-28T15:17:20Z")
**I once found a suitcase with a mother opossum and two baby opossums inside.** Were they moving? That would explain the suitcase. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2023, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3355 "2023-04-28T20:03:36Z")
> [@K364](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > ### People are always telling me I’ll never make it as a horse whisperer… > > > > …but there are always naysayers. > > neighsayers What a nag. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2023, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3356 "2023-04-28T20:58:03Z")
> [@solost](#): > > What a nag. Keep that up and you’re not gonna be here furlong. mmm ---
**Author:** ![K364](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/k364/32/5_2.png) [@K364](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/K364)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2023, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3357 "2023-04-28T23:41:47Z")
Oh Wilbuuuurrr ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2023, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3358 "2023-04-29T00:05:49Z")
A farmer discovered a method of growing a field of vibrators. Now he has a problem with squatters. * * * * * * My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries. I said, “You may be right but I prefer whipped cream.” ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2023, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3359 "2023-04-29T04:27:33Z")
A friend opened a bar on the Moon. The drinks are great, but there’s no atmosphere. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2023, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3360 "2023-04-29T11:59:23Z")
### My sister who works at an upholstery factory fell into one of the machines yesterday…. Don’t worry she’s recovered. * * * ### Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, now you’re thinking—-it’s spelled “psychic”, stupid. * * * ### Knock Knock Who’s there? David. David who? It was at that moment David realized how serious his mother’s dementia was. * * * ### I’m an armchair psychologist… Yesterday I diagnosed a Lazyboy with schizophrenia. * * * ### Two great musicians hated each other And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played. After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the results were a dead heat- half of the audience voted for one, half voted for the other. Angrily, the first musician took out a clarinet. “Let’s see how you manage THIS” he hissed at the second musician. The second musician dutifully brought out his own and they played. Thirty minutes later, both musicians tired but nonetheless angry, asked the audience to cast their vote. The votes were tallied. Again, completely equal. Aghast but furious, the second musician brought out a piano, the first followed, and they played away. A full hour of a duet. Rachmaninov’s piano concerto in triple time, Flight of the forty million bumblebees. The musicians were exhausted but enraged. The vote cast. Another dead heat. So it went on. Each duet a different instrument, a longer time, a dead heat. Bassoons, oboes, flutes, Swiss alpine horns, ouds, theremins, holophonors, the list went on. Sweating profusely, absolutely livid, the first musician had enough. He staggered over and reached his hand into an ornate box. Suddenly the second musician, terrified thrust out his arm in desperation. “NO! We must not resort to violins.” ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2023, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3361 "2023-04-29T12:21:00Z")
**Why don’t boxers have sex the night before a fight?** They just really don’t like each other. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2023, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3362 "2023-04-29T23:04:58Z")
Bagel King finally opened a store in Rome. The Pope heard about it and decided to try it. He bought one and started to eat it. Impressed he offered a piece to his bodyguard and commented, “Hey this is a great; don’t you think it would go wonderfully well with lox and cream cheese?” “Yep”, agreed the bodyguard, “with a bit of sliced onion.” ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2023, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3363 "2023-04-29T23:16:21Z")
That one is right over my head. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2023, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3364 "2023-04-29T23:26:22Z")
I think he’s implying that both the Pope and his bodyguard have Jewish instincts? But who ever knows what lox tastes like, except they’ve had it on bagels with cream cheese? ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2023, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3365 "2023-04-30T05:01:50Z")
A pun, a shaggy dog story, and an anecdote walk into a bar. No joke. ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2023, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3366 "2023-04-30T09:47:30Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > My wife and I are both unemployed. **My wife and I are both unemployed.** My mum died in a car crash. We have two children and Grandma died recently, so my dad, at 73 is taking over as head of The Firm. Through no fault of our own, we have fallen out with my and my wife’s family, so we are struggling to pay the mortgage. I’ll do any job to take care of my family. Please share. Sincerely, Harry, Duke of Sussex. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2023, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3367 "2023-04-30T12:16:59Z")
# Last Night at the White House Correspondents Dinner: aka “Nerd Prom” “I’d like to stop right now, and congratulate tonight’s top scholarship recipient: Arizona State senior George Santos. Oh yeah, George couldn’t be here tonight. He’s auditioning for “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” We say good luck to you, George.” –Ron Wood * * * “Tucker Carlson is out of the job. Some people celebrating. But to Tucker’s staff I want you to know that I know what you’re feeling. I work at “The Daily Show” so I, too, have been blindsided by the sudden departure of the host of a fake news program.” -Ron Wood * * * “When the retirement age went up two years to 64 [in France] they rioted because they didn’t want to work till 64. Meanwhile in America, we have an 80-year-old man begging us for four more years of work.” – Ron Wood * * * “I want everybody to have fun tonight, but please be safe. If you find yourself disoriented or confused, it’s either you’re drunk or Marjorie Taylor Greene.” – Pres. Joe Biden * * * “I had a lot of Ron DeSantis jokes ready, but Mickey Mouse beat the hell out of me and got to them first.” –Pres. Joe Biden ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Klutz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/captain_klutz/32/4993_2.png) [@Captain\_Klutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Klutz)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2023, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3368 "2023-04-30T17:36:26Z")
I’m thinking of a seven letter word with three u’s in it. I’ll give you a hint, it’s unusual. Some people think I would make a good eunuch. But I’m not cut out for it. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2023, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3369 "2023-04-30T18:49:00Z")
> [@Captain\_Klutz](#): > > Some people think I would make a good eunuch. > But I’m not cut out for it. Just don’t have the cojones for it, eh? Here’s one I came up with while pondering how to change a carb on a ‘86 ATV this morning: **I’m a so-so mechanic…** In the sense that I’m so, so bad at it. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2023, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3370 "2023-05-01T00:32:26Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > Bagel King finally opened a store in Rome. The Pope heard about it and decided to try it. He bought one and started to eat it. Impressed he offered a piece to his bodyguard and commented, “Hey this is a great; don’t you think it would go wonderfully well with lox and cream cheese?” _“Holiness, it’s the best thing since sliced bread.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2023, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3371 "2023-05-01T16:46:29Z")
### Is it okay for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school? Or does that make me a bad teacher? * * * ### How do you starve an introvert? Tell them somebody else is in the kitchen. * * * ### Two asexuals sitting in a tree… S-I-T-T-I-N-G * * * ### Yo Mama so fat, You can hide behind her back and still be visible… Because of Gravitational Lensing. * * * ### A parishioner compliments the minister after a sermon, saying, “Reverend, your words today were akin to the peace and love of God.” “Thank you,” responds the minister, “Why do you say that?” The parishioner explains, " Because the peace of God passes all understanding, and the love of God endures forever." [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=167) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=169)