# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 169
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2023, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3372 "2023-05-02T00:49:33Z")
[![](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/wlvyvk371hdeco3/20230501_112428.jpg?dl=0) ](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/s/wlvyvk371hdeco3/20230501_112428.jpg?dl=0) ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2023, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3373 "2023-05-02T08:44:59Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > –Ron Wood **Roy** Wood ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2023, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3374 "2023-05-02T13:25:10Z")
> **[Ronnie Wood Quote](https://www.azquotes.com/quote/931124)** > > I'm a diplomat by nature. I help find the middle ground. I crack a joke and use humour to help resolve potentially vicious situations quickly. It gets things in perspective and helps everyone to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2023, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3375 "2023-05-02T13:31:25Z")
I’m more confused than ever - where do the [ELO and Wizzard](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roy_Wood) fit into all this? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2023, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3376 "2023-05-02T14:47:37Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > **Roy** Wood Ah, sorry. I’m blaming this one on the cataract surgery. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2023, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3377 "2023-05-02T14:55:11Z")
### King Charles III was a very good cello player when he was young. He’s an Artist formerly known as Prince. * * * ### You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for… Times new ramen! * * * ### To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing.. There’s no way you can get a weigh with it. * * * ### In the first draft for Kung Fu Panda’s script … …the country of origin was written as TH, instead of CHN. However, it was just a Thai Po. * * * ### An employee asks his boss, “Can I have two weeks off for Christmas?” His boss replied, “It’s May…”, to which the employee responded, “Oh, sorry. May I have two weeks off for Christmas?” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2023, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3378 "2023-05-03T14:32:49Z")
### A man is sitting in a bar drowning his sorrows. “What’s the matter?” asks the bartender. “Last month my father died leaving me $15,000,” says the man. “Then a week later my mother died and left me $25,000. A week after that my auntie died and left me $40,000. This week? – nothing.” * * * ### The trouble with being punctual is… …people think you have nothing better to do. * * * ### Don’t tell your friends your problems. Tell your enemies your problems. They’re far more interested in hearing about them. * * * ### What do nostalgic proctologists do? Look up old friends. * * * ### I don’t know much about philately… …but I know what I lick. ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [May 3, 2023, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3379 "2023-05-03T21:21:05Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### An employee asks his boss, > > “Can I have two weeks off for Christmas?” > > His boss replied, “It’s May…”, to which the employee responded, > > “Oh, sorry. May I have two weeks off for Christmas?” Brilliant. > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### The trouble with being punctual is… > > …people think you have nothing better to do. I’m using that ! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2023, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3380 "2023-05-04T11:09:25Z")
### Cassette tapes have a side A and a side B… …so it follows that they’re successor would be a CD. * * * ### What tastes better than it smells? Your tongue. * * * ### Last night I went to a will reading… …It was a dead giveaway. * * * ### My car keeps saying it’s low on fuel… …but I think it’s just gaslighting me. * * * ### We can thank the Arabs for 9/11. Without them it would still be IX/XI. ---
**Author:** ![Author\_Balk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Author\_Balk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Author_Balk)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2023, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3381 "2023-05-04T11:26:58Z")
I got an email claiming it could show me how to read maps backwards. It was spam. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2023, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3382 "2023-05-04T16:41:40Z")
### What is the most common cause of feline blindness? Cat-aracts * * * ### Doctor, I’m having trouble with my eyesight. No kidding. This is a hot dog stand. * * * ### My grandpa returned from the war with one leg. He never did say who it belonged to. * * * ### I enrolled in a course by mail, “How To Deal With Disappointments”. I got the first lesson. It was an empty envelope. * * * ### Why did Darth Vader go the record store? He was looking for the hidden rebel bass. Happy Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you! ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2023, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3383 "2023-05-04T19:06:24Z")
The IRS is going after the Sand People for tax evasion. They single file to hide their numbers. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2023, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3384 "2023-05-05T23:30:41Z")
### What does a cat say on 5/5? Happy Cinco de Meow. * * * ### Why shouldn’t you underestimate Cinco de Mayo? It’s nacho average holiday. * * * ### King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did. Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time. * * * ### When they film the biography of George Santos’s life, it will read: “based on a false story”. * * * ### If my male child was being stubborn before a flight could I check him with my luggage? Or would I have to carry on my wayward son? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2023, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3385 "2023-05-06T14:07:11Z")
### I hear the dentists are going on strike next week. Brace yourselves. * * * ### Where will the new King of England keep his armies? In his sleevies. * * * ### I learn a lot from my mistakes. I think it’s time to make more. * * * ### My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. I’m feeling cannelloni right now. * * * ### Everyone has a different view of life. I, myself, am a solipsist. But that’s just me. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2023, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3386 "2023-05-06T14:31:15Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### An employee asks his boss, > > “Can I have two weeks off for Christmas?” > > His boss replied, “It’s May…”, to which the employee responded, > > “Oh, sorry. May I have two weeks off for Christmas?” I just heard a variant of this from one of my co-workers, starting with Student: Can I do something to improve my grade? ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2023, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3387 "2023-05-06T18:47:23Z")
A lady ahead of me ordered fast food. The cashier said, “That’ll be $6.66.” She said, “Oh no. I don’t like that total. Better throw in a corndog.” This woman is an inspiration. She’s out there fighting off the powers of Satan with a corndog as her weapon of choice. ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2023, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3388 "2023-05-06T18:58:16Z")
Just heard a woman go, “Nooooo, my cell phone” from inside a porta potty. Wishing her nothing but the best. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2023, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3389 "2023-05-07T14:44:30Z")
**When a cow forms a chrysalis…** It transforms into a beautiful beef Wellington. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2023, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3390 "2023-05-07T15:02:21Z")
### King Charles actually farted in the middle of his coronation, but no one really said anything. This is because noble gases don’t cause a reaction. * * * ### Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town? It’s called, “The Changing of the Locks”. * * * ### How did Pavlov come to always have such nice hair? He conditioned it. * * * ### What can you convert Christmas into? Christenergy. * * * ### My friend Joe went on the Dollty Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leeeeean. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2023, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3391 "2023-05-08T02:46:47Z")
What’s the worst thing Willie Nelson can say to you while you’re having sex with him? “I’m not actually Willie Nelson.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=168) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=170)