# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 17
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/322 "2021-06-11T01:20:10Z")
> [@Dr.Winston\_OBoogie](#): > > “That’s nice.” I heard it ‘charm school’ and ‘Fabulous!’ ---
**Author:** ![Wallaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/dc4da7/32.png) [@Wallaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wallaby)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 10:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/323 "2021-06-11T10:21:21Z")
A pessimist assumes all woman are bad, and an optimist hopes so. Its been two years since the last recorded sighting of Elvis. I hope nothing has happened to him. I got my wife a French Maid outfit to brighten things up a bit. Didn’t work - house is still a mess. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/324 "2021-06-11T15:09:59Z")
### I call my horse Mayo, Sometimes Mayo neighs. * * * ### Why can chess Bishops only more diagonally? Because north, south, east and west are Cardinal directions. * * * ### A man walks into a sperm bank. The doctor says “get a load of this guy” * * * ### How do you make a condom for frogs? Rib it. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/325 "2021-06-11T15:16:08Z")
@Prof.Pepperwinkle : Good stuff! Have you discovered the fabled Bottomless Well of Dad Jokes? ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/326 "2021-06-11T15:23:14Z")
A great many of mine come from Reddit’s joke subthread. And I do look at other sites as well. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/327 "2021-06-11T15:53:00Z")
> [@solost](#): > > If prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, how did the first one get paid? She didn’t. He stiffed her. :rimshot: ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/328 "2021-06-11T16:00:14Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > She didn’t. He stiffed her. Yeah, so after that, he refused to pay her? I invented a joke the other day while making chili. It’s a little gross & risque, but not enough to spoiler blur (I think) since we’re all adults here: The head cook at a restaurant has to run out on a quick errand, so he gives his assistant a couple tasks to do while he’s gone. When he gets back, he finds his assistant furiously masturbating into a big pot of chili. The head cook says… . . . “You idiot, I said to add _ **CUMIN** _ seed!” ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/329 "2021-06-11T16:12:05Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > Another Jack Handey: > > Old people are like Slinkys, it’s so much fun when you push them down the stairs. My favorite Jack Handey: The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/330 "2021-06-11T16:28:46Z")
A birthday card I gave a friend years ago: The phone rings. “Urology department, can you hold?” ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/331 "2021-06-11T16:34:03Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > “Urology department, can you hold?” Reminds me of a joke I heard years ago: Former Olympic Gold medal-winning skier Picabo Street went to nursing school afterward, and now she’s a nurse in an Intensive Care ward. She answers the phone “Picabo, I.C.U.” ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/332 "2021-06-11T16:39:31Z")
^ Supoib! ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/333 "2021-06-11T18:01:16Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > > [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > > > Another Jack Handey: > > > > Old people are like Slinkys, it’s so much fun when you push them down the stairs. > > My favorite Jack Handey: > > The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. My favorite Jack Handey (at least, I think it’s a Jack Handey)-- just a classic, well constructed joke: > When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa did … > > …not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car. Which reminds me of one of my favorite Emo Philips jokes: > My girlfriend got mad at me because I didn’t open the car door for her… > > …but I was too busy swimming to the surface. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/334 "2021-06-11T19:57:15Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > The Lady replied, “All Are Present Today.” I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2021, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/335 "2021-06-11T20:09:32Z")
The other times, not everyone was there so they talked trash about the absent woman/women. Since they only talked trash – behind the absent women’s backs – nobody could say anything. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2021, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/336 "2021-06-12T12:18:05Z")
### A weasel walks into a bar The bartender says “Wow! In all my years bartending I’ve never had a weasel stop by! What can I get you?” “Pop” goes the weasel. ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2021, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/337 "2021-06-12T12:36:44Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > The Lady replied, “All Are Present Today.” > > I don’t get it. Would have been better to say: “Everyone’s here today.” ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2021, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/338 "2021-06-12T12:40:28Z")
“If God dwells inside us, I hope He likes enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting” ~Jack Handey “My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.” ~Rodney Dangerfield I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. ~Steven Wright “Love is the answer. But while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” ~Woody Allen “What’s going down, Normie?” “My butt cheeks on that bar stool.” ~Norm Peterson, Cheers. More from Norm… [https://www.bauer.uh.edu/rsusmel/Other/norm.htm](https://www.bauer.uh.edu/rsusmel/Other/norm.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2021, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/339 "2021-06-13T01:51:26Z")
My dad wasn’t around when I was growing up. He never did a thing for me. But then, I suppose, if it weren’t for him I would not even be here. Thanks for nuttin’, Dad. mmm ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2021, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/340 "2021-06-13T13:27:43Z")
### I hate hotel towels…So thick and fluffy. I can’t even close my suitcase. * * * ### A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned. * * * ### A doctor’s receptionist is working away when she sees a nun running out of the doctor’s office in floods of tears. “What’s up with her?” asked the receptionist. “Oh, I told her she was pregnant”, answered the doctor. “Oh, no! That’s terrible”. “Don’t worry,” said the doctor, “she’s not, but it’s cured her hiccups”. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2021, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/341 "2021-06-13T19:21:27Z")
Q. How do you find Will Smith after a blizzard? A. Follow the Fresh Prints. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=16) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=18)