# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 171
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2023, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3412 "2023-05-13T13:59:54Z")
### I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler. He lost my case. * * * ### Scene at the supermarket… Customer: Pardon me, but are these vegetables genetically modified? Clerk: No, sir. Why do you ask? Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask? * * * ### I hear Grasshopper meat is a great source of protein; sustainable, and you can eat them cold! Locusts, on the other hand, have to be swarmed up first. * * * ### The inventor of the wind chill factor died this week. He was 86 but felt more like he was 64. * * * ### I told my daughter, “Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?” She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. “It’s true!” “When was the last time you ate a monkey?!” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2023, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3413 "2023-05-13T14:11:44Z")
**I lost my wife’s favourite audio book.** I’ll never hear the end of it. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2023, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3414 "2023-05-14T00:36:02Z")
**My Plan:** 1. Get 15 identical cats. 2. Invite someone over. 3. When they ask how many cats I have, tell them, ‘Just one. But he’s really fast.’ ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2023, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3415 "2023-05-14T01:02:42Z")
**I have a half-brother.** Different fathers? Shark attack. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2023, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3416 "2023-05-14T01:25:54Z")
I saw that one as “My half-sister and me aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws any more.”. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2023, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3417 "2023-05-14T11:30:28Z")
### I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, Eggs” I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma” - and then it hit me. * * * ### I accidentally gave my girlfriend Superglue instead of lip gloss – She is still not talking to me. * * * ### What do little shops become at full moon? Werehouses * * * ### What’s the sign most of people are compatible with? The dollar sign. * * * ### What’s the easiest way to get gravel in the back of a minivan? Tell one or more children not to get gravel in the back of that minivan. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2023, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3418 "2023-05-14T18:19:48Z")
**Vibrator** Humdinger ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2023, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3419 "2023-05-15T14:01:21Z")
**Doctor sitting next t a grieving mother outside of the ER:** ‘His underwear was spotless.’ [I think the cartoon was from \*The New Yorker\*.] ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2023, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3420 "2023-05-15T14:53:20Z")
**I love Motown music. In fact I can barely go three seconds without mentioning a Motown group.** Four, tops. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2023, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3421 "2023-05-15T15:38:02Z")
### Girl, are you an amusement park? 'Cause I see six red flags. * * * ### A Möbius strip walks into a bar, sobbing. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong, buddy?” The Möbius strip replies, “Where do I even begin?” * * * ### My asshole of a neighbor knocked on my door at 2.30 am last night! Luckily I was still up playing my bagpipes. * * * ### I told my psychologist that everybody hates me. He told me I was delusional… everybody hasn’t met me yet. * * * ### What has long ears, whiskers and says, “You talkin’ to me?!” Rabbit DeNiro ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2023, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3422 "2023-05-15T21:07:11Z")
Now this is funny. I wish I’d thought of that one! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2023, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3423 "2023-05-15T21:52:47Z")
Search spotless underwear cartoon to see it. I’d link to it, but it wants to download. ---
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2023, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3424 "2023-05-15T22:23:59Z")
Here you go… [![Imgur](https://i.imgur.com/sCvIRRu.jpeg "Imgur: The magic of the Internet") ](https://imgur.com/sCvIRRu) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2023, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3425 "2023-05-16T12:32:37Z")
### I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic before my operation… “Go ahead,” he replied. “Knock yourself out…” * * * ### What do you call a shrimp that gets run over by a car? Road Krill * * * ### When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee. It is considered a family hairloom. * * * ### William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated. Nurse: Which arm? Shakespeare: As You Like It Nurse: Was that painful? Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing Nurse: You will have to have a second jab. Shakespeare: Measure For Measure Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covid? Shakespeare: Comedy Of Errors Nurse: I heard your wife Anne decided to get vaccinated in the company of her friends? Shakespeare: The Merry Wives of Windsor Nurse: Did you try convincing her? Shakespeare: Love’s Labour Lost Nurse: Wouldn’t she listen to you? Shakespeare: A Midsummer Night’s Dream Nurse: So what happened at the other vaccination centre? Shakespeare: The Tempest Nurse: But it worked out? Shakespeare: The Taming Of The Shrew Nurse: So it is okay then? Shakespeare: All’s Well That Ends Well Shakespeare: Will I have any adverse effects? Nurse:. Wait until The Twelfth Night * * * ### Why was the teacher covered in mustard? Because she was a sub. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2023, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3426 "2023-05-16T13:37:54Z")
The Shakespeare entry inspired me to create my own. * * * * * * _ **Stephen King goes to the Doctor.** _ * * * Nurse: When did you make your appointment? **Stephen King: 11/22/63** Nurse: What time? **Stephen King: Just After Sunset** Nurse: You’re a little bit late, why? **Stephen King: Roadwork** Nurse: So what brings you in today? **Stephen King: From a Buick 8** Nurse: No, I mean, why are you here? **Stephen King: Desperation** Nurse: Who referred you to us? **Stephen King: Doctor Sleep** Nurse: Where does he practice? **Stephen King: The Institute** Nurse: Sorry for the wait, we are short today. **Stephen King: Skeleton Crew?** Nurse: Yes. Any medical history? **Stephen King: Insomnia** Nurse: Anything else? **Stephen King: Rage** Nurse: What time do you usually go to bed? **Stephen King: Four Past Midnight** Nurse: And when do you wake up? **Stephen King: Later** Nurse: Any pain right now? **Stephen King: Misery** Nurse: Where does it hurt? **Stephen King: Under the Dome** Nurse: How do you usually deal with the pain? **Stephen King: The Breathing Method** Nurse: What else? **Stephen King: Elevation** Nurse: So where do you live? **Stephen King: Black House** Nurse: The one near the graveyard? **Stephen King: Pet Sematary** Nurse: Oh yeah, what’s buried there? **Stephen King: Bag of Bones** Nurse: Do you need a Band-Aid? **Stephen King: If It Bleeds** Nurse: Any plans for the rest of the day? **Stephen King: Stephen King Goes to the Movies** mmm ---
**Author:** ![pjd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pjd/32/3009_2.png) [@pjd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pjd)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2023, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3427 "2023-05-16T14:59:24Z")
tbh, fwiw, imho… yours is better ! ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2023, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3428 "2023-05-16T15:19:19Z")
It’s not a competition. I laughed at yours. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2023, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3429 "2023-05-17T13:30:12Z")
### What has four legs and flies? A picnic table. * * * ### Knock, knock. Who’s there? Delores. Delores who? Delores be an England. * * * ### What do you get when you cross a turtle with a cow? A turtleneck jersey. * * * ### Why did the little boy cross the road? He didn’t wear his seat belt. * * * ### What did the right butt cheek say to the left? It’s amazing we’re still together considering all the shit we’ve been through. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2023, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3430 "2023-05-17T15:20:12Z")
Reminds me of what a co-worker said when she farted loudly at work: **“Did you hear what that asshole said behind my back?!”** ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2023, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3431 "2023-05-17T16:15:12Z")
**What did one burp say to the other burp?** ‘Let’s be little stinkers and sneak out the back way.’ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=170) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=172)