# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 173
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2023, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3452 "2023-05-26T14:01:54Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > Man: “I’ve always had this absurd feeling that I’m a cartoon character.” Well, you are looking a bit drawn… ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2023, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3453 "2023-05-26T15:19:21Z")
**To measure the quality of your puns…** You must use a sighsmograph. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2023, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3454 "2023-05-26T17:13:25Z")
### I always delay going to dinner at my mother-in-law’s… …I’m trying to put off the inedible. ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2023, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3455 "2023-05-26T21:52:03Z")
The cannibal coach couldn’t decide between the raw rookie or the seasoned veteran. ---
**Author:** ![Dahu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dahu/32/3416_2.png) [@Dahu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dahu)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2023, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3456 "2023-05-27T07:20:26Z")
I went for a job interview at the Blacksmiths yesterday. He asked me if I had ever shoed a horse. I said no, but I once told a donkey to f-off. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2023, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3457 "2023-05-27T14:05:56Z")
### A passenger on a cruise ship sees a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. “Who is that?” the passenger asks the captain. “I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad.” * * * ### What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married? “I want to grow mold with you.” * * * ### As I looked at my naked body in the mirror… I thought to myself, “I’m going to get kicked out of Ikea any moment now.” * * * ### I was given a single chance to fix an abacus - I better make it count. * * * ### A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet’s: He says: “I’ve come to talk wi’ thee about me cat.” The vet replies: “Is it a tom?” The Yorkshireman says: “No, I’ve brought him here wi’ me.” ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2023, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3458 "2023-05-27T14:16:20Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > ### I dated a Hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal. > > > > I didn’t get it. I was raised Catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him. > > This reminds me of a spectacular line from the show _Derry Girls_: > > > [@](#): > > > > How many pieces of communion do you think you’d need to swallow to eat a _whole Jesus_ ? My wife and I are not particularly religious, but the future Mrs. solost wanted to be married in a Catholic Church. I was waiting in a back room behind the altar area where the priest and the altar boys do their preparations just before the ceremony started. I found a sign above a little sink in that room amusing: DO NOT POUR LEFTOVER COMMUNION WINE DOWN SINK OR THROW OUT WAFERS! REMEMBER, IT’S THE TRANSUBSTANTIATED _ **ACTUAL** _ FLESH AND BLOOD OF CHRIST! Catholics take their transubstantiation _ **seriously** _. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2023, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3459 "2023-05-27T17:46:17Z")
and now even more jokes here: > [@Funny Quotes and Anecdotes](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/funny-quotes-and-anecdotes/984670/4): > > While watching TV news this morning, I grew weary of seeing various Texas politicians sniping at one another and requested a channel change. A few seconds later we were watching a documentary featuring screaming Bonobos throwing crap at each other. My wife looked up and said: “Sorry. I thought I’d changed the channel. Lemme try again.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2023, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3460 "2023-05-27T18:39:54Z")
> [@solost](#): > > I found a sign above a little sink in that room amusing: DO NOT POUR LEFTOVER COMMUNION WINE DOWN SINK OR THROW OUT WAFERS! REMEMBER, IT’S THE TRANSUBSTANTIATED _ **ACTUAL** _ FLESH AND BLOOD OF CHRIST! There were probably two sinks there. One was just a normal sink. The other one was a special sink that, instead of draining to the sewer, just drains straight into the ground. That sink is for washing out the communion chalice, and anything else that might have even slight traces of the Eucharist. Because you have to do something with those things, and mixing it all in with sewage would be disrespectful. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2023, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3461 "2023-05-27T19:08:02Z")
Not just the Catholics. In high school, I was part of a Lutheran youth group. We once visited a senior home and helped our pastor with a mass there. After the mass, the pastor had some leftover consecrated wine. I guess he figured me to be one of the more responsible kids of the group; after the service, he waved me over and asked me to help him out a little more – there was too much for him to deal with by himself, so he poured me a swig or two and we finished it off. No, I can’t say I was then able to peform any real miracles… unless surviving as long as I have counts, and maybe so. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2023, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3462 "2023-05-28T03:05:22Z")
A vignette at parachute training school: “If the main parachute fails to open, how long do we have to open the reserve chute?” “The rest of your life”. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2023, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3463 "2023-05-28T13:21:33Z")
### I threw a ball for my dog the other day - A little over the top, but he looked great in a tuxedo. * * * ### Why do broccoli make the best racecar drivers? Because they floret. * * * ### Why don’t racecar drivers eat before the big race? They might get Indy-gestion. * * * ### What do we want? RACECAR NOISES! When do we want it? NNNEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW! * * * ### What is written on a successful hacker’s tombstone? “R” His IP is well hidden. ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2023, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3464 "2023-05-29T03:21:25Z")
A snail was in an auto race, driving a car with a large “S” on the sides. One spectator commented: “Look at that ‘S’ car go!” ---
**Author:** ![KarlGauss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karlgauss/32/3713_2.png) [@KarlGauss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGauss)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2023, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3465 "2023-05-29T04:03:47Z")
I believe the spectator was Eddie Murphy. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2023, 10:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3466 "2023-05-29T10:09:58Z")
Alfred Drake, I think. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2023, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3467 "2023-05-29T12:00:59Z")
### Boss: “I can clearly smell alcohol on somebody’s breath!” One of the staff: “Um, boss, this is a Zoom meeting.” * * * ### If he were alive Steve Jobs would have made a much better president than Trump. But that’s comparing Apple to oranges. * * * ### It’s very difficult for Christians to do trigonometry. Because Christ took away their sin. * * * ### What do you call a dog that floats? A good buoy. * * * ### What was Helen Keller’s favorite color? Corduroy. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2023, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3468 "2023-05-29T16:26:14Z")
I heard a great joke about sausage but I forgot how it goes. I’ll have to send you a link. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3469 "2023-05-30T12:40:13Z")
### My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres. In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent…. But now is the winter of our disco tent. * * * ### I hate optimists. They’ll jump out of a plane expecting sunshine and rainbows to cushion their fall. Meanwhile, I’ll look both ways before crossing the street and get hit by the optimist. * * * ### My gloves were stolen yesterday.. They fell into the wrong hands. * * * ### I’m dating a gymnast. She’s head over heels. * * * ### Why did the walrus feel bad about himself? Because he was untuskworthy. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2023, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3470 "2023-05-30T19:04:45Z")
This just happened. I was at Trader Joe’s to pick up my Cobb salad. A ‘crewmember’ was stocking the salads. I told her that someone’s going to get married in a church. She looked puzzled. I pointed to the produce in the bin next to us and said, ‘Cantaloupe.’ She gave a polite laugh, and then as I turned to walk away with my salad she laughed harder and said, ‘OK, that was pretty good.’ ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [May 31, 2023, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3471 "2023-05-31T15:48:06Z")
### Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is. * * * ### What’s white on top and black at the bottom? Society. * * * ### Why did the Grim Reaper schedule an appointment with his eye doctor? He was having issues with his death perception. * * * ### A man is sitting in a confessional and says… Forgive me Father, Vicar, Pastor, Padre, Priest… For I have synonymed. * * * ### I don’t know why I was fired from the suicide hotline. I was doing a great job. Nobody ever called back for more help. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=172) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=174)