# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 183
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2023, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3652 "2023-07-19T15:34:09Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I’ve only opened up three birthday cards and am already up $150. > > Gee, I love being a mailman. Glad to see you haven’t lost your mailman job between posts #2408 and #3648! ---
**Author:** ![Mark\_Finn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@Mark\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mark_Finn)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2023, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3653 "2023-07-19T16:48:31Z")
Customer: “Waiter - this coffee tastes like mud.” Waiter: “Well - it was just ground yesterday.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2023, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3654 "2023-07-19T16:55:44Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > > [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > > > ### Chef: The two things I cook best are meat loaf and apple pie. > > > > Customer: And which is this? > > This reminds me of this one that I posted a couple of years ago. > > > [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > > > An Englishman goes into an American diner and orders the soup of the day. When he sees it he says disgustedly, ‘Good lord! What is this?’ The waitress replies, ‘It’s bean soup.’ The Englishman says, ‘I don’t care what it’s _been!_ What is it _now?_’ Waiter to a table full of middle-aged women: “Is anything ok?” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2023, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3655 "2023-07-19T17:27:38Z")
> [@hogarth](#): > > Glad to see you haven’t lost your mailman job between posts #2408 and #3648! Ah, your memory is better than mine! ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2023, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3656 "2023-07-20T13:50:54Z")
> [@Johnny\_L.A](#): > > This reminds me of this one that I posted a couple of years ago. > > An Englishman goes into an American diner and orders the soup of the day. When he sees it he says disgustedly, ‘Good lord! What is this?’ The waitress replies, ‘It’s bean soup.’ The Englishman says, ‘I don’t care what it’s _been!_ What is it _now?_’ That reminds _me_ of one I heard years and years ago. It’s a gross-out joke though, so I will spoiler out the gross part-- be warned… * * * A traveling salesman stops into a diner for lunch and sits down at the counter. The owner says “what’ll it be, buddy?” The salesman says “I’ll take a bowl of chili.” the owner says “sorry, we’re all out.” the salesman says “that’s a shame-- I really had a hankering for chili.” The owner says “the guy next to you got the last bowl.” The salesman looks at the guy sitting next to him, who’s eating a sandwich, with the full bowl of chili just sitting there. The salesman says to him “excuse me, but I really felt like a bowl of chili-- you going to eat that?” The guy says “no, help yourself.” So the salesman starts hungrily eating the chili. A little past halfway through the bowl, he sees a dead mouse revealed at the bottom. He’s so disgusted, he throws up the already eaten chili back into the bowl. The guy next to him says, “yep, that’s about as far as I got, too.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2023, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3657 "2023-07-20T13:57:02Z")
> [@solost](#): > > That reminds _me_ of one I heard years and years ago. It’s a gross-out joke though, so I will spoiler out the gross part-- be warned… And that reminds _me_ of a cartoon I saw decades ago (probably in _Playboy_). Behind a Chinese restaurant: A server stands in the doorway. A cook holds a bowl in front of a wino’s mouth, waiting for the wino to vomit into it. The chef says [using offensive language, elided], ‘You tell that [American, Caucasian customer] he’ll just have to _wait_ for his hot-and-sour soup!’ ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2023, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3658 "2023-07-20T15:05:43Z")
### If all the world’s a stage… … where does the audience sit? * * * ### My wife is as beautiful as the day I married her. It just takes her 15 minutes longer to get there. * * * ### How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? He’s got that down-in-the-mouth look. * * * ### In 1946 Rosamond Lehmann attended a dinner given by Edith Sitwell at the Sesame Club following a poetry reading at the Wigmore Hall: ‘Dylan Thomas and his wife both arrived wildly drunk, fought and hit each other, and altogether presented a painful problem to Edith and all the distinguished guests, as they could neither be disposed of nor tamed,’ Rosamond related. ‘I shall never forget Mrs Thomas shoving a drunken elbow into her ice cream, then offering the elbow to T. S. Eliot & telling him to “lick it off ”.’ Selina Hastings, _Rosamond Lehmann_ * * * ### Ignorance is no excuse – It’s the real thing. – Irene Peter * * * ### People fall in love… … but they have to climb out. – Lawrence J. Peter ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2023, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3659 "2023-07-21T08:59:40Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### In 1946 Rosamond Lehmann attended a dinner given by Edith Sitwell at the Sesame Club following a poetry reading at the Wigmore Hall: > > ‘Dylan Thomas and his wife both arrived wildly drunk, fought and hit > each other, and altogether presented a painful problem to Edith and all > the distinguished guests, as they could neither be disposed of nor tamed,’ > Rosamond related. ‘I shall never forget Mrs Thomas shoving a drunken > elbow into her ice cream, then offering the elbow to T. S. Eliot & telling > him to “lick it off ”.’ > > Selina Hastings, _Rosamond Lehmann_ The Sitwell siblings (Edith, Osbert and Sacheverell) were a mad bunch all on their own, and surrounded themselves with similarly eccentric types. > [@](#): > > Cosmetics entrepreneur Helena Rubinstein once invited Edith Sitwell to lunch. At one point, Helena was amazed to learn that Sitwell’s ancestors had burned Joan of Arc at the stake. Helena’s response? “Well,” she said, “somebody had to do it!” > [@](#): > > The architect Sir Edwin Lutyens was famed for his penchant for practical jokes. On one occasion, while visiting the celebrated Sitwell family, he drew several strands of horsehair from a broken couch, wrapped them in paper, and placed them in the drawer of a little-used desk. Sure enough, some time later Osbert Sitwell discovered the unusual package, upon which Lutyens had helpfully scribbled an explanatory note: “A lock of Marie Antoinette’s hair,” it read, “cut from her head ten minutes after execution.” > [@](#): > > Edith Sitwell once received letter from a concerned reader. “Dear Dame Edith,” it read. “As an admirer of your poems I am nevertheless greatly disturbed by a poem containing a line about the mating of tigers. I have a daughter of 19—at that age when the brook runs into the river—and a son aged 10 who is very restless. I wish to entreat you, dear Dame Edith, when you write your poetry, to consider the disturbing effect that lines like those about the mating of tigers may have on the young.” Edith’s reply? “Tell your dirty little brats to read King Lear.” > [@](#): > > The composer William Walton lived in their London apartment for many years. He wrote music to accompany Edith’s public readings of her poetry and composed ‘‘Belshazzar’s Feast’’ in the stables at Weston Hall, near Towcester, Northamptonshire. > > ‘‘He made such a frightful din on the piano we had to banish him from the house,’’ Sir Sacheverell once said. > [@](#): > > In 1954 the poet Edith Sitwell was named a Dame of the British Empire. While visiting America some time later, she was approached by a rather aggressive man. “Why do you call yourself ‘Dame’?” he demanded. “I don’t,” Sitwell politely replied. “The queen does.” > [@](#): > > One day Edith Sitwell reluctantly informed her parents that she was leaving the family home. “I can write so much better,” she explained, “when I’m alone.” “And you prefer poetry to human love?” her father asked. “As a profession?” Edith sardonically replied. “Yes.” This is a review of one of Sir Osbert Sitwell’s autobiographies, titled “The Scarlet Tree: The Charming and Perceptive Account of How Young Osbert Became The Unwilling Victim of Victorian Education”: > [@](#): > > Excellent. Both funny and sensitive: describes the Edwardian part of his upbringing, not sparing his eccentric, self-indulgent and unreasonable parents while clearly fond of them. This is an interesting picture of privileged aristocratic life of the period, through the eyes of a child and with the self-awareness of an adult simultaneously. The adults spend all their time either changing their clothes or killing animals, seem to have little real interest in their children (who are handed over to others), and spend huge quantities of money on a whim (the source of all the money is a combination of vast land holdings and iron foundries). The account of the coming-out party for his sister, the poet Edith Sitwell, illustrates the waste and the thoughtlessness: huge amounts spent on redecorating the house (one of their houses, that is), but no young people invited to a party for a teenager, and the main events based around the races, which Edith didn’t like. Osbert’s description of his first prep school, and his references to the experience of others, echoes so many: horrible, in a word. The story of his father’s manservant’s adventures in Italy is hilarious - he was proposed for, and elected to, the Camorra - seemingly an organisation which at the time issued membership cards, which could be shown in order to obtain free admission to places (!) “Henry was a member of the Camorra - whereas I never even got into Pop!” The Sitwells were also the subject of satirical sketch by Noel Coward “[The Swiss Family Whittlebot](https://www.jstor.org/stable/10.2979/jmodelite.39.1.129)”. The Sitwells did not take this well. We now return you to the usual stream of jokes. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2023, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3660 "2023-07-21T12:24:45Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > at that age when the brook runs into the river (quoted by Gyrate, not said by Gyrate) Any idea what that line means? (From the context apparently something to do with sexual desire; but I can’t figure it out.) ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2023, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3661 "2023-07-21T12:28:23Z")
I take it as meaning when an individual becomes part of society, but YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2023, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3662 "2023-07-21T12:38:45Z")
### What has 50 feet but can’t walk? Half a centipede. * * * ### “Say, what’s the death rate around here?” “Same as anywhere else – one per person.” * * * ### A man complains to his friend that he’s having trouble keeping his neighbor’s free range chickens out of his flower beds. A couple of weeks later his friend notices the flower beds are doing great and asks how he managed to keep the birds away. “It wasn’t all that hard,” says his friend. “One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me pick them up. I wasn’t bothered after that.” * * * ### I call English my mother tongue… …as father rarely got the chance to use it. * * * ### A Freudian slip… …is when you say one thing, but mean your mother. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2023, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3663 "2023-07-21T13:10:40Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > * * * > > ### A Freudian slip… > > …is when you say one thing, but mean your mother. Freud claimed everything in psychology was all about the penis, but that’s just a phallusy. ---
**Author:** ![Author\_Balk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Author\_Balk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Author_Balk)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2023, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3664 "2023-07-21T13:50:55Z")
A Steven Wright joke. I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2023, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3665 "2023-07-21T14:13:24Z")
An angel was feeling rather blue with the uniform sameness of heaven and went to see St. Peter. “All I do,” the angel said, “is play the harp endlessly, and I’m getting bored.” St. Peter asked, “What would you rather do?” The angel answered, “I like to dance.” “We don’t allow dancing here in heaven,” St. Peter said, “but I can see you need a change so I will allow you to take advantage of a once-in-an-eternal-lifetime offer. I will allow you 24 hours leave to return to earth and dance.” “I’m gone,” the angel said and in a trice the angel was in California and quickly found a dance hall run by Samuel Frank. Checking the harp and wings, the angel boogied and danced and had a great time until just seconds remained of the leave. The angel grabbed up the wings and immediately was in heaven again. Returning to St. Peter, the angel said, “I’m back and I am so happy. I’ll never feel bored again.” St. Peter said, “That’s wonderful, but where is your musical instrument?” “Oh, no,” the angel said, “I left my harp in Sam Frank’s Disco!” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2023, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3666 "2023-07-21T14:17:05Z")
> [@Author\_Balk](#): > > I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Timely [post.](https://www.cnn.com/2023/07/21/entertainment/tony-bennett-dead-at-96/index.html) mmm ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2023, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3667 "2023-07-22T16:04:29Z")
### For the last couple of weeks i’ve been unable to stop singing songs by Tony Bennett, Nat King Cole, Perry Como and Bing Crosby. After a while it all got too much so I went to see my doctor. Apparently I have crooner virus! * * * ### After an undersea concert, a group of clam musicians go out for a night on the town They all left their instruments at the concert hall, except for Connie, who always insists on bringing her harp wherever she goes. They started out at a hip dance club called “Sam’s”. After a few drinks, they moved on to a few other clubs. As they were leaving the last one, Connie cries out, “Oh no!” Her friends asked her what was wrong, and she said, "I left my harp in Sam’s Clam Disco! * * * ### A married couple are celebrating their anniversary at the restaurant where they had their first date. About halfway through dinner, the husband asks his wife a question. “Honey, I was just wondering something,” he said. “What’s that, dear?” the wife wondered. “Well… we’ve been together for so long, and I’m wondering, you know, how many different men you’ve been with?” The wife is immediately reluctant to answer, not wanting to hurt her husband’s feelings. “Oh, I don’t know. You might get jealous and upset.” “No, no,” the husband promised. “I won’t get upset. Go ahead.” “Okay, let’s see.” The wife begins to count in her fingers. “One, two, three, four, five, six.” She immediately stops. “And then there was you.” The husband smiles when he realizes it wasn’t as bad as he thought it was. But he stops when he hears something. “Seven, eight, nine…” * * * ### I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale: I’ll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they’re actually cupcakes. * * * ### I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75. ---
**Author:** ![Author\_Balk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Author\_Balk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Author_Balk)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2023, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3668 "2023-07-22T18:33:01Z")
Psst, there is a slightly different version of the “I left my harp…” joke just before yours. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2023, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3669 "2023-07-22T19:41:46Z")
Yeah, I know, but this one’s for Tony. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2023, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3670 "2023-07-23T13:05:45Z")
### Did you hear they’re remaking _Dracula_? It’s a revamp. * * * ### Why do ants dance on the lids of jam jars? It says, “Twist to open”. * * * ### What’s the definition of a minor second? Two flutes playing in unison. * * * ### As people age, do they sleep more soundly? Yes, but usually in the afternoon. * * * ### Don’t join dangerous cults! Practice safe sects. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2023, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3671 "2023-07-23T13:14:49Z")
> [@Author\_Balk](#): > > Psst, there is a slightly different version of the “I left my harp…” joke just before yours. That reminds me: I left my tart in Aunt Fran’s Crisco. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=182) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=184)