# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 186
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2023, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3712 "2023-07-28T15:49:38Z")
### Little Boy: I cannot go to school today, Mummy. My tummy hurts. Mother: Where does it hurt? Boy: In school! * * * ### Why did the teacher write on the window. To make the lesson very clear. * * * ### What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock? Look, grandpa, no hands! * * * ### What kind of music do they play at… …Stonehenge? Hard rock. …a playground? Swing. …a nacho factory? Salsa. …the Coca-Cola plant? Pop. …a construction site? Heavy metal. * * * ### I lost my job at the restaurant supply store because I was stealing stuff. It was a whisk I had to take. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2023, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3713 "2023-07-28T15:57:36Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > I’m not that curious; but I am mildly curious about what was supposedly wrong with “exhales”. So I checked my copy (It’s easier to search digital books.) and came up with: > Bond lit one for her and put it between her lips. She took > a deep lungful of smoke and let it pour out through her > mouth with a slow sigh. So there it is. The lady in question is Vesper. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2023, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3714 "2023-07-28T18:26:31Z")
I guess what was wrong with “exhales” was just that it didn’t let him talk about her mouth. ---
**Author:** ![mordecaiB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mordecaib/32/7725_2.png) [@mordecaiB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mordecaiB)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2023, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3715 "2023-07-28T21:02:03Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > …a playground? Swing. But only with a safe shredded rubber layer over the ground! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2023, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3716 "2023-07-28T21:21:49Z")
Shamelessly stolen from the UFO/UAP debacle: ‘_A Flying Saucer lands on the White House Lawn_…’ **Aliens** : “We have come in peace - take us to your leader.” **Karine Jean-Pierre** : “He’s fallen and can’t get up.” '_A Flying Saucer lands on the Kremlin lawn…"_ **Aliens** : “We have come in peace - take us to your leader.” **Russian General** : “If you’ve really come in peace… Please, just take him away.” Why are aliens especially interested in abducting cows? _Because cows are known for jumping over the moon_. What did the alien’s wife say to him when he finally got home? “_Where on Earth have you been?_” Why did Wylie E. Coyote stop chasing the Roadrunner? “_Because he has a better chance of catching an alien_.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2023, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3717 "2023-07-29T00:25:25Z")
Two aliens are flying near earth. The first one says, “The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons.” The second one says, “Are they an emerging intelligence?” The first one says, “I don’t think so, they have it aimed at themselves.” ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2023, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3718 "2023-07-29T02:46:41Z")
Geometry: What the acorn said as it grew past the sapling stage. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2023, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3719 "2023-07-29T13:13:46Z")
### Job Interviewer: Describe yourself in three words. Me: I am a rebel. * * * ### The Three Stages of Marital Sex Stage One: Everywhere Sex. Sex in the lounge, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, you name it. Stage Two: Bedroom Sex. When the kids are asleep. Or at school. Or on camp. Stage Three: Hallway Sex. You walk past each other in the hallway and scream: “FUUUCK YOU!” * * * ### Yo Mama so old… … she’s a U.S. Senator. * * * ### In what country does it rain sheep? Bahrain. * * * ### Whoever said laughter is the best medicine… …clearly never suffered from erectile dysfunction. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2023, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3720 "2023-07-29T14:33:06Z")
I was on a solo tour of Europe, and I ran into Julia Roberts in Piazza Navona in Rome! We struck up a bit of a conversation, and I think she was actually flirting with me a little bit. She said, “Ooooh, it’s sooo hot out here today! Could you take my tour guidebook and just wave it toward my face to create a bit of a breeze, pretty please?” I said no. I’m just not a fan. ---
**Author:** ![KCB615](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ea666f/32.png) [@KCB615](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KCB615)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2023, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3721 "2023-07-29T16:01:42Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### Job Interviewer: Describe yourself in three words. > > Me: I am a rebel I actually did a variation of this one during a real jib interview. It was one word, and my response was “can’t follow directions.” The interview had been going great to that point, and the interviewer clearly had a good sense of humor. I got the job. ---
**Author:** ![its\_the\_daddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/bb73d2/32.png) [@its\_the\_daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/its_the_daddy)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2023, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3722 "2023-07-29T16:14:00Z")
Why do Norwehian warships have a barcode on the side? So when they get to port, they can Scandinavian. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2023, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3723 "2023-07-29T17:21:42Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### What do we want? > > RACECAR NOISES! > > When do we want it? > > NNNEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW! @Prof.Pepperwinkle : My nephew liked this joke so much he made me and Nana chant it over and over in the restaurant the other night. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2023, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3724 "2023-07-30T16:20:19Z")
### Bob goes to the doctor with a bump on his forehead. He says to the doctor, “I got this red lump. What do you think?” The doc runs a few tests and comes back looking flabbergasted. “Bob this is incredible…” “What is it?! Am I going to be okay?” “It’s like a UFO. I’ve only ever read about it but you never actually see one, this is amazing!” Bob is getting more nervous “Give it to me straight” he says “Well… There is a penis growing from your head” “A penis?! Cut it off!” " I can’t it’s already become a part of your brain, the operation would kill you" the doc explains. Bob asks “you mean to tell me every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror I’m going to see a penis growing from my forehead…?” The doc laughs… “Of course not! The balls will cover your eyes!” * * * ### Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch… Yeti never complains. * * * ### How long does it take to get through a labyrinth? A minotaur two. * * * ### When at a cocktail party, never try to initiate a conversation by talking about the Titanic. It’s a terrible icebreaker. * * * ### I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised…usually Australians boo meringue. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2023, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3725 "2023-07-30T22:37:52Z")
Overheard this one on my lunch break this morning: Q: What does a dentist call the X-rays he examines? A: His tooth pics. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2023, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3726 "2023-07-30T22:47:04Z")
What time did John Denver (and friends) finish writing, “Take Me Home, Country Roads”? Almost seven. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2023, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3727 "2023-07-31T12:32:18Z")
### A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates… ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked. ‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face … Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the sh\*t out of all of you!’ St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’ ‘Just a couple of minutes ago…’ * * * ### Why was the rodeo clown unhappy with his job? He was tired of all the bull. * * * ### Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you’re alive? Apparently, I did and won’t be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again… * * * ### Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.. But they didn’t planet… * * * ### How did the zombie know it had won the lottery? It was a dead giveaway. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2023, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3728 "2023-08-01T01:17:32Z")
I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins in all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down. — Mitch Hedberg ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2023, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3729 "2023-08-01T01:18:30Z")
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, I’m gonna go shave too. — Mitch Hedberg ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2023, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3730 "2023-08-01T12:11:01Z")
### I used to love Mitch Hedberg. I do now, but I did then too. * * * ### French vampires do not suck your blood. They sacrebleu. * * * ### “It’s no good; it’s over,” sobbed Julia, “you are so bad in bed!” “Oh, c’mon now,” replied Harold, “how can you tell after just 15 seconds?” * * * ### Teacher: Does anyone know how ventriloquism works? Student: I do, I do! Teacher: Put your hand up before you speak. Student: Exactly. * * * ### I’m so broke… …people break into my house to leave me food. ---
**Author:** ![Jaycat.again](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jaycat.again/32/11525_2.png) [@Jaycat.again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaycat.again)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2023, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3731 "2023-08-01T16:29:28Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### I’m so broke… > > …people break into my house to leave me food. When I was a kid, we were so poor, we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick _other_ people’s fingers. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=185) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=187)