# More Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** comedian-jokes\ **Created:** [February 27, 2020, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629 "2020-02-27T23:57:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 196
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2023, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3912 "2023-09-18T22:30:25Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > Nothing; you can’t cross a scalar and a vector OMG… ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2023, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3913 "2023-09-18T22:50:29Z")
Since you popped in, I’ll wheel out my favourite mathematical joke (probably not for the first time in the thread). What’s purple and commutes? An Abelian grape! ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2023, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3914 "2023-09-18T23:41:08Z")
> [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](#): > > ### A frog goes into a fast food restaurant and orders a cheeseburger. > > The cashier says, “Yes, sir, and would you like flies with that?” As Kermit said, time’s fun when you’re having flies. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2023, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3915 "2023-09-19T05:13:12Z")
And I’ll pull out my favorite physics bumper sticker: “Conserve energy: commute with a Hamiltonian” ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2023, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3916 "2023-09-19T12:31:56Z")
### What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye, matey! ### Why was the pirate sent to the principal’s office? He was tarrrr-day! ### What’s a Pirate’s favorite letter? The one from the general manager telling him he’s been traded to the Mets. ### A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.” The doctor: “It’s ok, they’re benign.” Pirate: “Count again, I think there be ten!” ### Apple has come up with the latest fashion accessory for pirates. The iPatch. Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2023, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3917 "2023-09-19T15:30:13Z")
I probably posted this one in this thread before, but in honour of the day… There was a pirate who had agreed to do an interview with a local tv station. The reporter was very courteous and professional, giving a bit of background as to the pirate’s business. He then began interviewing him. ‘Cap’n Swag, I see you have a peg leg. How did that come about?’ ‘Well, y’see I were sailing along the coast of South Africa, looking to plunder some locals when as I boarded the small boat from the ship, a great white shark came up and bit me leg clean off.’ 'Harrowing! I notice you’re wearing a hook? What happened to your hand? ‘Oh now that’s quite the tale. I was cutlass-to-cutlass against a rival pirate. Seemed like the fight went on for hours! We were both exhausted, but when I went to block a blow, I met him with me hand instead of me sword. Took it right off. I’ve had the hook ever since.’ ‘Fascinating!. What about your eye patch? How did you lose your eye?’ ‘Arrrrr… That would be the seagull.’ 'The seagull? ‘Aye. It were a beautiful day on the sea. I looked up at a passin’ seagull, and the scurvy thing crapped right in me eye!’ ‘But… How did that cause the loss of your eye?’ ‘Well… It were me first day with the hook.’ ---
**Author:** ![a6ka97](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c2a13f/32.png) [@a6ka97](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a6ka97)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2023, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3918 "2023-09-19T16:39:56Z")
Something to think about when you’re stoned, not saying you personally get stoned, just people who smoke and ponder these things. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. ---
**Author:** ![Ponderoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponderoid/32/19221_2.png) [@Ponderoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponderoid)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2023, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3919 "2023-09-19T16:48:50Z")
> [@a6ka97](#): > > Fruit flies like a banana. Every time I see that joke I envision trying to throw a banana like a boomerang. ---
**Author:** ![its\_the\_daddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/bb73d2/32.png) [@its\_the\_daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/its_the_daddy)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2023, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3920 "2023-09-19T19:20:53Z")
([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3IFdA280Ts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3IFdA280Ts)) And tits like coconuts ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2023, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3921 "2023-09-19T19:31:07Z")
> [@Ponderoid](#): > > Every time I see that joke I envision trying to throw a banana like a boomerang. No, no, no. What you want is a FISH boomerang. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2023, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3922 "2023-09-19T21:24:05Z")
Paging Lew Zealand. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2023, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3923 "2023-09-20T00:26:43Z")
Here’s a pirate joke I came up with all by myself. Pretty sure I posted it here before, but it’s been a year or two… **Did the pirate’s wife cry much when she divorced her husband?** No, she just shed a private tear. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2023, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3924 "2023-09-20T00:53:20Z")
Hmm, that one has a **coarse air** about it. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2023, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3925 "2023-09-20T12:39:34Z")
😄 👏 👏 ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2023, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3926 "2023-09-20T12:45:30Z")
### What did Sigmund Freud believe came between fear and sex? Funf. * * * ### After 20 years of dating an archeologist, it’s all over… …she was always digging up the past. * * * ### To this day we are still intrinsically racist. Our white blood cells hate foreigners. * * * ### What do you call an English jazz musician? An Anglo-Saxophonist. * * * ### It’s shocking to hear about Russell Brand, isn’t it? I had no idea he was a comedian. ---
**Author:** ![Ponderoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponderoid/32/19221_2.png) [@Ponderoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponderoid)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2023, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3927 "2023-09-20T21:12:07Z")
I don’t do funerals. I won’t go to yours, and I won’t expect you to come to mine. ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2023, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3928 "2023-09-21T16:06:47Z")
### Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, “Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?” Mum replies “No, because she is in heat.” “What does that mean?” asked Lulu. “Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.” Lulu goes out to the garage and says, “Dad, can I take Daisy for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.” He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent. “Ok, you can go now, but keep her on the leash and only go one time around the block.” Lulu left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash… Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Daisy?” Lulu said, “She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home!” * * * ### How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh? Ten-tickles. Of course it only has 8 of those. So the first two were test-tickles! * * * ### How does a dog camouflage itself in the forest? It barks. * * * ### What do a Credit Card and a Gymnast have in common? Outstanding Balance! * * * ### National Pride Day should be September 22. September 23 is the first day of Autumn, and as everyone knows, Pride goes before a Fall. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2023, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3929 "2023-09-22T14:05:06Z")
**When God created the duck, He said…** ‘Waterproof that chicken, and give it a kazoo!’ ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2023, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3930 "2023-09-22T15:06:09Z")
### Instead of partying my neighbor goes into the woods every weekend to distract the deer hunters. That’s how he saves a few bucks. * * * ### I say, I say, I say, did you hear about the elephant with herpes? It turned out to be pachydermatitis. * * * ### A man walks into a bar with a beard made up entirely of grass. The bartender asks, “Why the lawn face?” * * * ### Jesus died for your sin. But your cos and tan? That’s on you. * * * ### Why do birds fly south for the winter? It’s too far to walk. ---
**Author:** ![solost](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/solost/32/11776_2.png) [@solost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solost)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2023, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629/3931 "2023-09-23T14:47:08Z")
Patient: Doc, I think I’m losing my hearing. Doctor: describe the symptoms to me. Patient: uh, ok, Homer’s a big fat lazy yellow bastard, and he’s married to a woman with big blue hair who’s way out of his league. —slightly altered, but stolen from Billy Connelly [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=195) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/more-jokes/848629.md?page=197)